No One But You (Imperfect Hearts Book 1)
Author: Silva, Alexandra
Date: 2018-07-26

Copyright © 2018 Alexandra Silva

Cover Design by Tickle MEdia

Editing by Lit Chicks

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or transmitted in any form without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations for review purposes.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

To all the women who make life happen, and all the men who are there to support and lend a helping hand when we need it.

Author’s Note

This story deals with delicate subjects.

Stillbirth happens in around 1 in every 200 births in England.

Stillbirth and neonatal death is a sensitive subject that many people can find difficult to discuss publicly, and even reading about it can be harrowing. It’s not a topic that can be accurately portrayed or emotionally explained to suit or indeed demonstrate how it affects everyone who has gone through it.

The death of a baby has a profound and lasting impact on the parents and even the wider family.

1 in 3 stillbirths is described as unexplained. The exact reason for the baby’s death is unclear and this is because we don’t fully understand the causes of stillbirth. More research is needed.

There are many organisations worldwide that aim to help raise awareness and offer support to those affected by this tragedy. Although it may be difficult to reach out, support is never too far.

You are not alone.

https://www.sands.org.uk/

https://babyloss-awareness.org/

https://www.lilymaefoundation.org/

http://www.littlefingers.org.uk/

http://www.sands.org.au/

http://stillbirthfoundation.org.au/

https://sanda.psanz.com.au/

http://starlegacyfoundation.org/

http://www.pregnancylossdirectory.com/

https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Contents

Prologue

1. Jamie

2. Quincy

3. Jamie

4. Quincy

5. Jamie

6. Quincy

7. Jamie

8. Quincy

9. Jamie

10. Quincy

11. Jamie

12. Quincy

13. Jamie

14. Quincy

15. Jamie

16. Quincy

17. Jamie

18. Quincy

19. Jamie

20. Quincy

21. Jamie

22. Quincy

23. Jamie

24. Quincy

25. Jamie

26. Quincy

27. Jamie

28. Quincy

29. Jamie

30. Quincy

31. Jamie

32. Quincy

Epilogue

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Coming Soon

"Tragedy is more important than love. Out of all human events, it is tragedy alone that brings people out of their own petty desires and into awareness of other humans' suffering. Tragedy occurs in human lives so that we will learn to reach out and comfort others"

—C. S. Lewis

Quincy

Seven years earlier…

I stood in the darkened room. My hands strangling the side of the empty white cot bed. My eyes searched the pale blue sheets with the grey elephants. Although it was too dark for me to make out all the detail, I knew exactly what those sheets looked like. I’d memorised the random pattern in which the elephants rotated. Trunk up, trunk down, trunk to the left and trunk to the right. And then every other run had the trunk up elephant half faded. At the time I thought it was cute, even though he’d wanted to return them. I liked that it made the cot look lived in and cosy. Even if it had never had a baby in it.

The dark blue grey sky looked clear, bathing the room in a solitary and cold midnight tinge. I knew that I should’ve stopped going in that room. I knew that it would make me relive every moment of that god-awful day. I kept going over the weeks before it in my head, analysing everything I’d done. Because I must have done something wrong.

How had this happened? Why me?

I’d done everything right. I’d followed every rule. Down to every miniscule detail.

I’d cooked everything to within an inch of its life. My yolks had been hard. The fish had been the bare minimum. No Sushi. No alcohol. No cigarettes.

So why me? Why my baby?

My life felt like a sick game. I wasn’t ready to do it again. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want this baby, I wanted the one I’d held in my arms. My little boy. The one who never got to feel my love but had taken it all with him.

I had nothing left to give. I was an emotionally barren waste land. I was a sinking ship in the middle of a cold dark ocean. Although there were other ships around me, there was nothing that could be done, unless I dragged them down with me.

I could feel him watching me. I knew he was stood there with his sorry guilt and useless apologies, and I knew what was coming. He often stood just outside the room. It was like there was some invisible barrier keeping him out. Until tonight.

His shadow on the floor grew shorter as he came closer. Physically.

Things had changed.

The funny thing about things changing is that unlike what people told you, you can’t always go back. Sometimes things change, and they don’t make things better. Change doesn’t always equate to good.

I’d changed, and he’d changed, and it hadn’t made us better. It hadn’t made us stronger. It hadn’t brought us together.

I hated change. I hated it because it had offered me so much. It had promised me a future I didn’t even know I’d wanted so badly until it was put in front of me.

It hadn’t delivered.

“Quincy.”

I squeezed the soft wood harder. My rings digging into it. I could hear the grain of the wood wince as the metal gauged it.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

I swallowed back the scream that was trying to claw out of my chest.

He couldn’t do this anymore. I didn’t want him to do it any more either.

“I know.”

“I can’t watch you do this to yourself.”

“That’s ok.”

“This person. You. You’re just not who I fell in love with anymore.”

No Shit.

“I don’t know who you are.”

I’m the mother who never got to mother her child. I’m the mother who was robbed in plain sight.

“I’ve packed a bag...”

“I know.”

“I can’t stay in this house any more. I don’t know what to do with all the silence and weeping.” His soft voice wavered. He was hurting too. I knew that, but he’d been happy to pretend that life simply went on.

It didn’t.

He’d packed up all the other baby stuff. The steriliser was gone from next to the coffee machine. The bottles weren’t next to the glasses. The Moses basket wasn’t next to the bed. The baby toiletries weren’t on the edge of the bath. This room was all that was left.

“I wish I was enough to bring you back. I’ve tried every way I know how. I tried loving you more but that wasn’t enough either. I wish I was strong enough to just watch and wait for you to deal with it all. It’s been almost a year, Quincy.”

“I know.” I’d counted all 287 days since I’d held our boy. My boy. I’d scratched all 274 days into the tally in my chest since I’d buried him in the dirt.

“You won’t even talk to me.”

My eyes searched the quiet and picturesque London street outside. The Georgian townhouses and their window boxes. The flowers had been replaced with winter shrubbery.

“Goodbye Quincy, let me know when you’re ready to say more than I know or that’s ok, because it’s not. You’re not okay. I don’t think you want to be either.” I saw his arm raise toward me in his shadow and I stepped farther away. He sighed, defeated, “I’ll be at mum’s.”

He left. He didn’t wait for a reply. Good, because I had nothing to say. I didn’t want to talk to him. I had tried, but he never actually listened.

I didn’t want him anymore.

He’d used my baby to excuse his failings and his sins.

My little boy.

I wanted to break everything around me so that my brokenness fit.

I was furious at life for taking my baby, and he was happy to move on. He wanted to carry on like it had never happened.

I was angry at myself for not being aware of what had happened inside my own body.

Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference like everyone liked to point out. But I should’ve known when it happened. I should’ve felt it.

I should’ve felt my little boy’s heart stop.

I hadn’t.

I didn’t.

What kind of mother doesn’t realise that their child is gone?

Jamie

“Listen Jamie, I need you to be there. I know you’re a busy guy and all, but please, just be there before it starts.”

“Listen Jenna, I’m in theatre for the next six hours at the very least. Can you call me back after? I know this is important. I won’t miss it. Not for the world.”

What people don’t tell you about divorce is that it’s not just messy and difficult…it’s a political war field. Everything has to be said carefully to keep the “peace”.

“You’ve said that before.”

“Yeah, well, please forgive me if I think that saving someone’s life is more important than a ballet recital in which our daughter is the fucking tree.”

“Don’t be an ass. You told her you would be there. You promised her, don’t break it. It’s a big day.”

How ironic…promises and big days.

“You want to talk about promises and sticking to them?” I grabbed my wallet out of my inside coat pocket and touched my credit card to the reader as I got out of the black cab and nodded my thanks to the driver. “Speaking of big days when’s the wedding again?”

“You know what Jamie? I don’t have time for your shaming shit today.”

“Fine. Let me talk to her.” I heard her calling for Molly in a strained and riled yell.

There had been a time that I really loved Jenna. Or at least I thought I did. There had also been a time when I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with her. Until she fucked my best mate. My best man.

Turns out that a piece of paper doesn’t mean shit, much less promises and feelings. There was only one good thing that came out of our short-lived marriage…

“Daddy!”

“Hey munchkin. Are you ready for your big moment?”

“I’m a tree, daddy.” Her disappointment cut me in two, and suddenly I felt guilty for making it sound like it wasn’t a big deal—even if she was just a tree.

Honestly, I just liked to point those things out to annoy Jenna. She had a massive stick lodged up her arse. She wanted perfection in everything. Trouble was, I wasn’t perfect and much like me, our daughter wasn’t exactly what she’d hoped either. Not that she ever said anything, or even hinted at being disappointed with who our daughter had taken after.

That apple didn’t fall too far from this tree.

“You know, trees are a big deal…”

“Not like princesses.”

“Baby, you are a princess. You’re my princess, and I promise I’ll be there in the front row. I love you Molls.”

“I love you too daddy.” She sighed, as Jenna’s less than calm voice cut through our chat. “I have to go.”

“Have a good day at school, sweetheart.”

“Thanks.” I heard all the ruffling as she handed the phone back to her mother.

There were moments that I really had no choice but to let go of my anger and resentment, and in those moments, I wished that we weren’t another split family statistic. I wished I could find it in myself to let all the bad shit go and look past the hurt and the distrust.

I wanted nothing more than to be there every day for my daughter. It was such a pity that life had another plan for us altogether.

“Jamie, we’re running late. I’ve got to go, good luck with the surgery.”

“Jenna?”

“Yeah?” She sighed like she was readying herself for another dig.

“Save me a seat.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll be there, I promise. I’ve booked this afternoon off.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah. Bye.” I hung up and stuck the phone in my coat pocket as I walked through St. Ermin’s sliding glass doors.

The hospital was pleasantly quiet. The hallways weren’t packed with overflowing patients on gurneys. It felt like it was going to be an easy day.

It was like a deserted scene in one of those Wild West movies where the tumble weeds roll around aimlessly and pointlessly.

Even the staff seemed to be gone. I swiped my card on the staff changing room security reader—nothing.

“Come on you piece of…”

“You know, talking to it isn’t going to make it work. Much less insulting it.” She laughed.

“No, but it makes me feel better.” I moved out of the way as she swiped her staff ID and pushed the door open with her hip.

In one hand she held a coffee cup that looked like it’d had most of its contents spilled along the way. Her handbag hung from her arm and two overflowing note files were tucked into her elbow crease.

Typical Quincy.

I held the door open for her to go through, she barely managed to hold on to everything as she typed on her phone, her card now between her teeth.

I followed in after her, avoiding the trail of black coffee on the floor.

“Jesus, Quincy, could you possibly carry anymore?”

“No. Probably not.” She replied as she looked at her arms. “I got stuck in traffic and I thought it would be a great idea to get my notes out from the surgery yesterday, but it turns out that the moment I got them out the taxi driver decided to take a different route. A quicker one. Why he hadn’t thought of taking it in the first place, I have no idea. I mean is it so difficult to just be decent enough and take your client where they asked the quickest and most efficient route?”

“Not hard, but I’m guessing a lot less profitable for them. You’re rambling by the way and it’s far too early for that. My exceptional brain can’t take it.” I laughed as she peered around her locker door.

Her big blue eyes wide with mirth. They were so clear and sharp like glass.

“I’m exhausted.” She downed what was left of her coffee before putting her lab coat on. “I was here till three in the morning. I contemplated sleeping in one of the on-call rooms, but I needed to get a real change of clothes for later.”

“I heard about your Mitral Valve repair on the newborn.”

“It was touch and go for a moment.” She sighed. “Are you going?”

This is where things should have been weird and messy between us. But somehow, we just ignored the fact that my ex-wife was marrying her ex-husband. We’d talked about it once and decided to never talk about it again. Not that it was awkward, mostly because she didn’t want there to be an us and a them.

Quincy Cavendish had always been the peacemaker. We’d known each other from birth. Her brother had been one of my best friends. He’d been one of the best men at mine and Jenna’s wedding, before he got blown up by a landmine in Angola. He’d gone to help with the Yellow Fever outbreak and ended up in pieces. That’s life for you.

Phillip had been a brother to me and every time I looked at Quincy, I could see him. Well, a beautiful and dainty copy of him with blue eyes instead of the yellowish brown of his and marginally fairer skin.

“I’m out of here at three, tops. I’ve already had Jenna on the phone this morning.”

She laughed, “Yeah, Richard said she’d already told Mrs. Frost to reserve the front row. Do you think that’s why the girls always get the crappy parts?”

“I reckon she gets a kick out of making Jenna squirm. I can’t blame her.”

“I wish she wouldn’t use the girls for that. Want to share a cab?”

“Yes and yes.” I slammed my locker door shut. “I’ll meet you back here at half two. Keep your phone on loud, I’ll check in with you during my break.”

“I have rounds at ten, but they’re all pretty straight forward. I was actually planning on monitoring the Spencer baby today. I have this feeling…” She paused staring blankly at the vinyl flooring for a moment before she looked up at me from tying her laces.

She had that forlorn look in her eyes. It was this echoing sadness that cut through the brightness in her light blue eyes. It made my chest ache, and at the same time it took my breath away because, Jesus, even in her sadness she was strikingly pretty. Stunning actually.

“You’ve done everything you can. Now it’s up to the little guy.”

“I know, it’s just…you know.”

“I do.” I stood in the doorway as I took a good look at her, hoping she was doing okay. “Keep that phone on loud.”

I should’ve known that the moment I’d acknowledged how quiet the hospital was it would have me eating every single thought of getting out of here on time. It’d all started out so well. My surgery had gone without a glitch.

Cutting open a child was the bane of my life. For one, it made me think of my own. I pictured her. It was the sort of pressure that would probably put others off, but it just made me work harder. It made me work faster. It made my hands that much more precise. It also made me think of all the life that was right at my fingertips.

The moment that tumour was out, it was like I could breathe again because that little girl would eventually be able to walk again, she’d be able to feed herself and draw and dance, like my own. It was the kind of high I was addicted to.

I’d closed up earlier than anticipated and I’d almost finished the paperwork when the page came.

“Fuck, not today.” I shoved my phone back in my trouser pocket and ran out of my office.

My stethoscope and heart clashed with one another as I raced to A&E. I ran through doors and still empty corridors. I hated emergency pages. The adrenaline rush was nothing like you could replicate with extreme sports, but that initial panic that launched you into action…fuck. I always wondered how the life expectancy of a surgeon wasn’t a lot lower than your average John.

I took the stairs down, jumping two steps at a time.

I slammed my ID onto the security reader. Nothing. Again. Red light. Again. I yanked on the Paediatric A&E’s door as I rung the buzzer. I knew it was pointless.

“You need to get that fixed.” Quincy knocked my hand out of the way and instantly the door released.

“Thanks.” I called out behind me as I raced to the reception desk. “What’s going on?”

“Parents have brought toddler in with suspected concussion. Two-year-old, clean file. Mr. Cooper evaluated him, however the patient has since vomited. He’s irritable and drowsy.”

“Right, CT?”

“Richard said it was an obvious concussion. The family’s been here for over four hours, nothing else happened. We were just waiting on the discharge papers.” Beth sighed.

“Well, can we get that scan A-SAP. I don’t care who’s in front, the child gets priority.” I signed the request she put in front of me. “Where’s Richard?”

“He said something about having the afternoon off. This was his last case.”

“Get me that scan, Beth. I’ll go check on the patient.”

“Room 8.” She smiled at me and started powerwalking towards the imaging department. “A heads up, those parents are nervous wrecks. And Mr. Anson, don’t run on my floors.”

Quincy

I was never a fan of ballet. I never wanted to be a princess. I was always the girl that preferred guts to flowers. Which just made sitting here next to my ex-husband, the one that walked out of our home and never came back, a whole lot more uncomfortable.

When Richard found out I was pregnant with Pippa, it was too late. He didn’t want to come back and I definitely didn’t want him back. There was too much water under the bridge, as some might say.

After Theo I’d sworn I’d never have another child, in hindsight I probably should’ve been more attentive and pro-active when it came to birth control, but I was glad that my little girl came along.

At first, I didn’t think I could love her, but her quick firing heartbeat changed that. It was the push I needed to start pulling myself together. To get the help I needed to get myself out of the rut I’d fallen into.

Even if she was a tie to Richard, I didn’t resent her. How could I?

There were times when I questioned my life choices, mostly my decision to marry her dad, but there was never a moment that I regretted her.

She was my sunshine. My reason for breathing.

My little golden-haired girl, with her bright amber eyes and cute button nose…and her father’s personality. I hoped that she had just enough of me to balance out the unfortunate traits she’d inherited from him.

Somewhere along our journey he’d become callous and careless. He was unfeeling. At first, I thought it had been the outcome of losing our child. But I quickly realised that it was just him. He’d always been that way; I’d just been too wrapped up in my feelings and career to see what was right under my nose. I’d created this perfect version of him and that was all I’d chosen to see, until I walked in on him with another doctor. In the on-call room. With his dick down her throat. Sad really because up until then I’d been willing to try and make things between us work. I’d wanted our unborn child to have a full set of parents.

At the same time, it was a relief, I don’t know why but it felt like I didn’t have to try to fix something that in reality I didn’t want to fix. That was unfixable.

There was nothing left. No trust. No affection. No love. Nothing.

So yeah, here I was sat next to the man who’d cheated on his wife and then his best friend, and I was content because my baby was on stage with a crown of bright green leaves in her gold hair, a brown tutu dress and the biggest smile on her beautiful face.

Her freckled arms stretched and rounded above her head. One foot neatly tucked by her knee in an impressive passé she’d been practicing every night before I tucked her into bed. She was the sweetest and most precious thing I’d ever seen.

Jenna whispered something to Richard. His face growing sullen at her words before he turned to me. His jaw set in an irate line.

“Where is he?”

What I’d really wanted to say was none of your business, but I knew better. So, in favour of keeping the peace I mumbled the only thing I knew.

“He was waiting on a scan when I left.”

“He’s a fucking liability.”

Whoa there, on second thought, maybe I should’ve gone with my gut reply. Call me biased if you’d like, but Jamie was not a liability. He just had his way of prioritising things. The girls would have so many more of these recitals and performances that it didn’t really matter whether he missed one, but making a patient wait could cost them their life. On the grand scale of things, it was clear which was more important.

“Richard, at one point he was your best friend.” I pinned him with my stare. “Before you went behind his back. With his wife. In light of that, who’s the liability really?”

I smiled at one of the mums that was listening in to our conversation and turned back toward the stage.

“He better be here.”

“And if he isn’t, it’s because he can’t be.” I hissed.

Times like this I just wanted to slap him so hard. I wanted him to see further than just the end of his nose. You would’ve thought that he of all people would understand. Our career paths were pretty much the same after all.

I took a deep breath as my mother clasped my hand in hers and squeezed. I squeezed right back. She’d taken over Richard’s place in my life. She’d taken over his responsibilities. She’d held my hand and calmed me down when I’d had panic attacks in the weeks approaching Pippa’s birth. She’d been there for every scan, every blood test and after every meeting with my counsellor. It’d taken a lot of work and push on her part to get me back to being me. Sort of.

When Richard walked out I thought she’d blame me, but she just hugged me through it and told me how it made him a lesser man. Then when she found out about his on-call fun, she took me to the best divorce solicitor and made sure that I didn’t lose on that front because I’d already lost too much according to her.

My tears were never too much and my silence was never too loud for her. I hoped against hope that one day, if that day ever came, I could be the same rock to my daughter that my mother had been for me.

The first part of the recital ended. Some of the staff changed the set over as we went to grab teas and coffees. Some of the other parents stopped to talk, the bitch crew did their usual stare and sneer.

At first it bothered me, now it just made me feel sorry for them. It was sad that they felt the need to look down their noses at other parents who wanted the same things for their children.

I wandered outside, occasionally stopping to greet some of the other parents whose children were friends of Pippa’s. Jamie was stood just outside the black wrought iron school gates with a scowl marring his face as he typed on his phone. His hair was messy like he’d just gotten out of bed and his usually pristine appearance was a little rumpled. He stopped as his eyes found me. My heart dropping at the lack of his usual greeting smile.

Even in his perfectly dishevelled state he managed to steal my breath. He’d always been able to do it. I was always so aware of him that even my skin seemed to react to just his presence.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked as I stopped in front of him.

He sighed as he shook his head, craning it up like he was looking for something in the dark sky.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now.” He gritted.

“You said you were right behind me.”

“The imaging department was chock-a-block, I had to get a portable CT from the ICU. It was a mess. The notes said that there was a head injury, but the parents weren’t sure.” He shook a cigarette from the debranded packet and lit it before he offered it to me.

I couldn’t help but stare at the warning on the box. The ash foetus in the white ashtray with the words smoking kills glaring at me in a bold cursive.

“I’m fine.” I didn’t like smoking in front of Pippa, or Molly for that matter, and doing it practically on the school grounds just didn’t sit well with me. “They weren’t sure about what?”

“They went with what their consult said because it made sense. They didn’t think to let them know that they didn’t see their son actually injure his head. Just that he was playing happily one minute and the next he was screaming and holding his head. They just assumed that he hurt himself.”

It wasn’t the first-time parents had taken their child to A&E on assumptions. It happened all the time. In fact, more times than not there was nothing anyone could do. Sometimes it was a case of waiting it out. That’s just how it is with Paediatrics. But, for Jamie to have been that upset it meant that something was very wrong and that somewhere along the line someone had missed it.

“People assume all the time, Jamie. Guesswork is part of our job.” I took the cigarette from his hand and stubbed it on the wall before sticking the filter end in the bin close by. “You haven’t missed much. So far there’s been a lot of standing around in two different poses. I’d say that the second half promises more of the same.”

He laughed lightly as he bit into a piece of gum before he squeezed some anti-bac gel into his hands. “Here.”

I took the small bottle from him and squeezed some onto my hands too as we made our way through the school gates.

There’s nothing quite as heart-breaking as seeing a child crying a goodbye to their parent. I’d like to say that it being someone else’s child made it easier, but it didn’t. Pippa and I sat in the back of the cab watching as Molly clung to Jamie. Her little legs barely allowing her feet to touch at his back. Her arms so tight around his neck that he had no choice but to remain ramrod straight when I was so certain that every part of him was caving in on itself.

Streams ran down her red little face as his hand smoothed over her chestnut curls. My heart hurt for him as I pulled Philippa closer to me on the seat and stroked her hair. As selfish as it sounded, I wanted to hide the ugly pain from her.

“Why’s Molly crying mummy?” She peered up at me. Her eyes semi closed with sleep. I looked at my own mother trying to think of what she would’ve said if she were in my shoes. She gave me a sympathetic smile as she shook her head.

I could tell that she was getting emotional by the scene playing out in the cold. Jamie was like a son to her and her tear rimmed eyes spoke for how she was hurting for him too.

I absolutely hated this.

“She doesn’t want to say goodbye; she wants more cuddles with Uncle Jamie.” My mother cooed as she leaned across and wrapped her arm around Pippa, giving her a light squeeze before she pulled back and ran her thumb down the bridge of her nose.

“But I thought that she had cuddles with my daddy when I’m not there to cuddle him?” She looked up at her in confusion and then at me.

“Sometimes we don’t want to share. Sometimes we just want what’s ours.” I pulled her up onto my lap. “No one can replace your own daddy, sweetheart.” I kissed the top of her head and watched as Jamie buckled Molly into her booster seat.

He clenched his fists open and closed as he walked to our cab. His eyes firmly on the ground. I could feel my heart break for him. He was hunched like he’d just had all the life sucked out of him.

I hoped that Richard felt that way about leaving our daughter too, because that man walking towards me was part of the reason I made his life easier.

I never wanted to inflict that pain on anyone.

As I watched their car drive off, I hoped that he was just better at hiding his hurt than Jamie was.

Most of the cab ride to my house was quiet. Jamie barely even looked at us, always making sure that his face was in the shadow. Once in a while he’d give us a glance and his breath would catch as his eyes would pause on Pippa.

I wanted to reach over the empty space between us and give him some comfort. To show him that he wasn’t alone. To do for him what he’d done for me, but I knew that it wasn’t what he needed.

Pippa looked between all three of us, she smiled as she slid off my lap. She took small careful steps closer to him as I held her waist and then she lightly tapped him on his hunched shoulder.

“I know I’m not Molly, but I can give you a cuddle for now.” She whispered as he looked up at her and sat up.

She climbed onto his lap and laid her head on his shoulder. His arms completely enveloped her small frame as she hummed. Her little hands stroking the side of his face like I stroked hers when she needed comforting. Jamie had always treated Pippa like she was his own child, and I knew it wasn’t just because he was her godfather. I knew that he did it because of who we were. Of how close we were. He did it because with a heart like his, how could he not?

Mum and I looked at each other. Her hand trembling slightly as she laid it on her chest as we listened to my little girl singing Jamie the lullaby that he always used to sing to her.

“Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Hush now don’t you cry…”

He quietly hummed with her until she’d fallen asleep and then he just held her until we stopped outside the townhouse and mum took Philippa from him.

“I can take her up for you. She’s getting so heavy now.”

“Don’t be silly, I’ll be just fine.” She tucked my daughter’s face into the crook of her neck and squished her tiny body to her own, wrapping her winter coat around them both.

“James.” She touched his knee and gave it a squeeze. “You’re a good man. That girl is lucky to have you, you remember that.” She patted his cheek and he leant into her hand.

“Thank you, Gwen.” His voice was cracked like that of a hurt child. “Are you sure—”

“You two get back to work. I’ll be fine with this one.” She slammed the taxi door shut and we watched until she closed the front door behind her.

Jamie

We were both quiet most of the way back to the hospital. The way she looked at me with so much pity. I felt like an embarrassing mess. Whoever said that it got easier to walk away had no fucking clue. If anything, it got harder.

Molly’s tears got heavier and mine were on the brink of escape. I wanted to tear everything apart. I felt this indescribable anger build and root itself deep in my stomach every time I had to say goodbye to my daughter. Every time I had to watch her go home with the man that I had grown to envy and despise.

I envied every moment he got with my daughter that I didn’t. I despised his ability to live with himself. To continue living his life like he hadn’t torn mine apart.

Technically mine and Jenna’s divorce wasn’t finalised yet, and not only were they planning their wedding, but he’d moved into my house.

He got to see my little girl more than I did because more than anything, Jenna was great at making excuses as to why it was inconvenient for me to see our child. Ever since she’d moved Richard into our house I couldn’t stop by for a cuddle without asking first.

It was killing me. I was being choked out slowly and painfully.

“What…” Quincy took a deep breath and placed her hand on my forearm. “What happened earlier?”

I clenched my hands tighter together as our eyes met. I wanted to reach out and just let her soothe me, but I couldn’t. Because even though I told myself that we were friends, we weren’t. We were something else entirely. We weren’t friends and we weren’t more than friends. We were something somewhere in the middle. Always in the middle.

She didn’t give me one of her usual sweet smiles, instead her face was scrunched up like she was feeling everything I was. I dropped my eyes to where her hand rested on my arm and I wanted to tug her so hard that she ended up on me. I wanted my fingers to sink so deep into her flesh that she could really feel everything I was feeling, and then maybe she could take it all away. She’d seen me a lot worse than this, and yet this felt so much more intimate than all those other moments before. The squeeze of her hand and the probing glisten of her stare were harder and deeper.

I looked back up at her face. Her blue eyes were wide, and her dark golden hair twisted wildly around her face. She dropped her hand from my arm on a shaky exhale and I grabbed it, holding it between mine so tightly that I could feel her knuckles squeeze together.

She shifted forward in her seat and rested her elbow on my knee, her piercing eyes searched my face until they met mine again and she smiled.

She smiled, and it felt like I could finally breathe since I’d buckled my daughter into another man’s car. And I know I shouldn’t have asked, but the words were on the tip of my tongue and they just tumbled out.

“Why him? Why did you marry him?”

Her eyes fell to the floor and she swallowed like she couldn’t part with whatever answer had landed on her tongue. Instead she just shook her head as she stared at our feet. She tried to pull her hand back, but I just held on to it tighter.

I already knew why, and her tear rimmed eyes that looked everywhere except at me were a reminder of it.

“You left. You kissed me and refused to give me more, and then you left. You left me and then you found her.” Her gaze slid back to mine. “I watched as you made her promises, as you kissed her and danced with her. As you held her hand and beamed like you were the happiest man on earth, and I realised that you were someone else’s. So when he asked me again, I said yes.”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She shook her head like she was clearing it and when she focused on me again she gave me a forced smile that indicated she was done talking about the past.

“You haven’t answered my question. What happened today?” Unlike I expected, her voice was soft, she rested her hand on top of mine as I continued holding her other tightly.

“I don’t know.” I looked down at the marled black and grey carpet lining the cab floor. Her black heeled feet were tucked between mine. “I don’t know. Sometimes I feel so angry. It’s like I want to burn everything down around me. I want to hurt everything.”

She ran her hand from mine up my arm to my shoulder.

“I don’t know what to do with all this stuff bursting inside me, Quincy.” I sighed, my eyes glued to the soft creamy skin on her neck. “How do you do it?”

She shrugged as she rolled her lips between her teeth.

“I had to tell a family today that they couldn’t take their child home with them. I was only meant to make sure that it was nothing serious, like their consult had said, but instead I had to tell them that their son was…” My breath caught around the lump in my throat and my whole body shivered.

“Is it terminal?” She looked at me, alarm bright in her eyes.

“I don’t know.” I breathed out. “I saved a child in the morning and damned one in the afternoon.”

“No. You didn’t. You found the problem and now you’re going to do your damned best to fix it. That’s what you do, Jamie. That’s who you are.” She shook her head. “We’ll figure it out. It may be nothing of consequence.”

“I’ve seen those fuckers before. Even if I take it out, it’ll keep coming back.”

The taxi came to a stop. The bright lights from the hospital sign filling the back of the car with fluorescent red and white light. She let go of my hand and gathered her bag, picking up Pippa’s Ballerina Ragdoll from under it. She pulled down her black leather pencil skirt that had bunched around the middle of her thighs and stepped out into the cold.

I paid the driver and followed her. The clacking of her stiletto heels pulling me in behind her as we walked all the way to the staff room in silence.

The corridors were busy and heaving like every other Friday night. In a way it was a relief because I needed something to keep me going. To keep my head from overthinking everything and my anger from simmering.

I touched my ID to the security reader and pushed the door. It was like something came over me. One minute I was holding myself together and the next I blew. I didn’t even notice that Quincy had opened the stupid door and shoved me into the staff room.

That fucking door and this fucking card!

“You need to stop this before you completely lose the plot.” She dropped her bag on the bench and stuffed the Ragdoll she’d been clutching in it. “Stop thinking about all the things that are useless to think about. You’ve had a shit day. We’ve all been there,” She took her coat off, threw it on top of her bag and faced me.

She was so close I could make out the skin coloured lace of her bra under the stretched ivory cotton of her blouse.

“Believe me, I know how you feel, but you need to pull yourself together and push.”

“That sounds familiar.” I dragged my eyes to hers, pausing for a moment on her soft mauve lips.

She smiled and cupped my cheek, “Some wise guy told me that when I needed a swift kick up the arse.”

“Sounds like he had no clue.” I put my hand on hers.

“Don’t let it drown you, Jamie.” She sighed. “You’re too good for that.”

We stood there just breathing. I could feel myself unwind before she jumped back and snatched her hand away as someone walked in.

“Jamie…Quincy…”

“Raj.” We greeted him at the same time.

I put my lab coat on as I stole a little glimpse back at her. Her cheeks were a little blushed and her teeth worried her bottom lip.

“I’ll see you around?”

“Maybe, I’ve got a tonne of paperwork and the wards are quiet, so I think I’m just going to sit in the Paed’s A&E with Beth and catch up on all the admin.”

“Thanks.” I said quietly as she stopped in front of me tying her hair up into a ponytail.

“Anytime.” She smiled as her teeth sank into her bottom lip. Her head tilting to the side. “Do me a favour?”

“Anything.”

“Get your ID fixed.”

She looked me over with a pout as she walked past me to the door. I had to shake my head to clear it of all thoughts of her and her lacy underwear. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to look away from the doorway.

“Shit, does Richard know about you and his missus?”

My eyes snapped to Raj, the grin on his face making me want to knock his teeth out. “She’s not his wife and we’re just friends.”

Just friends.

“She doesn’t look at me that way.” He licked his lips as his eyes locked on the door she’d just walked out of.

“That’s because she doesn’t care about your existence.” I bit back.

“Ouch!” He threw a lollipop at my head as I walked to the door. “That stung.”

“Why are you carrying sweets around with you?” I unwrapped the Blackcurrant lolly and stuck it in my mouth.

“Easier to get the kids to comply, and it’s a Friday. Do you know how many drunk Uni girls will be coming through tonight? This is my favourite shift; they always remember the good doctor that gave them something to suck on.”

“You’re actually sick, you know that?”

“Yeah, so is banging your best friend’s ex-wife.” I gave him the finger as I walked out of the room to his hysterical laughs. “You’re not even a proper fucking Doctor anyway.”

And therein lies the issue of working in the same place as your ex-wife’s fiancé. Everybody knew our business. At least the nurses had stopped throwing me pitying glances every time I walked into the room. Or whispering amongst themselves every time Richard and I had a consult together. It was an awkward situation and at times it made doing our jobs difficult. Of course, it could’ve all been avoided had Dick kept his cock in his pants. Well away from my wife.

I sat in the staff room for most of the evening. I finished the paperwork I’d started earlier and then I went over the toddler patient’s scans.

His name was Jack Davies. He was almost three years old and he was slightly underweight. His birthday was in three weeks. And I hoped to God that he would live to see it.

I sat there and stared at the mass, building a 3D image in my head so I could twist and turn it and learn it. It was my thing. That was my ritual. I’d learn all there was to know about the tumour and then I’d figure out a way of cutting it out with as little impact on my patient as possible.

The problem with this type of tumour was that it had the potential of going from sleeping to hyper progressive in the blink of an eye. It wasn’t the first time I’d treated a Paediatric patient with one of these buggers. They were more common in children than adults, so I’d met my fair share of Posterior Fossa tumours. I knew these fuckers inside out. The problem was the part of the brain it was growing on, and unfortunately for this kid it was right on top of his spinal cord. It explained all his symptoms and a couple of other issues in his history such as his weight. The most frustrating part of all this is that if any Neuro specialist had come across his notes, they would’ve known exactly what was wrong with him. Or at least they would’ve suspected it, unlike a Trauma Consultant or General Practitioner.

I gathered up his notes and the iPad with his scans and headed to the 24-hour McDonalds across the street. I wasn’t ready to go home just yet, not to an empty apartment, so I needed something to keep me going and that was the only place to get a decent enough coffee at three in the morning.

Quincy

It was my first day off in six days. It had been a tough four weeks since Jenna and Jamie’s divorce finally came through. Although they’d been separated for over a year he still took it like a slap to the face. Which was understandable, but at the same time it stung. And I know I didn’t have any right to feel anything at all about the way he was taking it, but in the last few weeks things between us had shifted. The way he lingered every time he touched me was excruciating. I wanted more of it but at the same time I knew that that’s all there would be, because he was still dealing with the divorce.

Shortly after their divorce had come through Jenna and Richard set their wedding date, and that made it all worse. It was car crash television every time Jamie and Richard were in the same room. The death stares and glares were verging on idiocy. Twice over the last three weeks I’d had to practically pry them apart in the staff room. The pair of them were out of control and I was about ready to collapse on my bed and sleep for the next three days straight.

After I’d taken Pippa to school.

Bloody school run.

I’d barely made it up the stairs to the second landing when her humming reached me. I couldn’t help but smile even though it was ridiculous o’clock and every muscle and bone in my body was whinging at me.

She was sprawled on my king-size bed with her dolls around her and a small cushion stuffed up her nightie. She jumped as I walked in the room and quickly started yanking it out like she’d been caught red-handed.

“Hey sweetie, what are you doing up so early?” I dropped onto the bed beside her, propping my tired feet up on my pillows.

She looked at me sheepishly from under her lashes.

“What are you playing? Is nanny still asleep?”

“Nothing.” She replied quickly as she nodded.

“Well, why did you have a cushion on your tummy?” She had never been one to beat around the bush. This kid was always open and honest, and for some reason she was hiding something from me. “You know, when you were in my tummy I looked like I had a pillow right here too.” I patted my now flat belly.

“How did I get in your tummy?” She turned to me and started winding strands of my hair around her little fingers.

I took a deep breath. I hadn’t planned on having this conversation for a while yet. Philippa was six years-old; she did not need to be thinking of where babies came from.

I wracked my brain trying to think of where she’d gotten that train of thought from. I hadn’t even discussed this with Richard. This was probably one of those discussions that should be had with her dad around.

“Mummy?”

“Yes baby?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh,” clearly avoidance wasn’t going to work. “Well, daddy gave mummy a little seed to put in my tummy and keep in there until it had grown into a little baby. You.” I tapped the tip of her nose.

“How did you put the seed in your tummy?”

“Good question.” Shit. “Well, I swallowed it.”

“But daddy says that whatever you swallow comes out as poop or pee.”

“It’s a, ummm, special seed that only daddies can give mummies, and it only comes out when the baby is ready.”

“Is that how Jenna’s baby got in her tummy?”

“Excuse me?” My heart dropped to my stomach, making me feel sick. “What did you say?”

“You said that daddies give mummies special seeds to grow babies.”

“Yes, they do.” I could hear my heart thrumming in my ears, feel it thumping in my head.

“So, does that mean that my daddy gave Jenna a special seed to grow the baby in her tummy?”

“I…I…”

Her eyes rounded as she sighed.

“I don’t know Pippa. Did daddy tell you that Jenna has a baby in her tummy?”

“No. I heard them talking when I was at their house.”

I swallowed down my urge to curse Richard to hell and yonder. My mouth had actually dried up. I hadn’t given any thought to whether he and Jenna would have a child or children. Honestly? I just assumed that it wasn’t something they wanted.

“Well, how about I talk to your dad later and ask?”

She sucked in her lower lip as she picked at a bobble of lint on her nightie. “I don’t want him to be angry with me.”

“Don’t be silly, sweetheart, why would your dad be upset with you? You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Will he still be my daddy if Jenna has a baby?” She let out a soft sad sigh.

In that one moment my heart broke. I’d been blindsided by the news that I was still debating whether or not was true, and now my heart was bleeding for my little girl.

“Pippa, he will always be your daddy. No matter what and even if you have a little brother or sister. Just like if mummy ever had another baby, I would still love you just as much as I do now and more.”

“You promise?”

“Pinkie promise, baby.” I offered her my little finger and she hooked hers around it in an enthusiastic shake.

I’d spent most of the day talking myself out of banging down their door. I knew that we weren’t exactly the most communicative of families. For obvious reasons. I mean, our whole dynamic was edging on ridiculous. But something like this? Something this big needed fair warning. If I was taken aback by this news, I had no idea how hard it was hitting Pippa and when Jamie found out it was going to get downright messy.

I had to give it to Richard though, he didn’t do things by half. He’d gotten me pregnant within months of losing our first child and then he’d left me, and now he’d knocked Jenna up and booked a wedding date. He was all about the go big or go home. Except he never really did come back home to me.

If it weren’t for the fact that my little girl was clearly upset, I probably wouldn’t have cared as much. People move on. Life evolves.

Except, moving on wasn’t always so black and white. There was a grey area where the pain and resentment made it difficult to see him building a new life so easily with someone else. Our demise wasn’t based on just his infidelity or my lack of feelings toward him, although that was a big part of it, there were other factors. Like my depression and my grief, and his inability to care enough to just wait. In the end that was the problem. He was too ready to carry on, when I was still floundering in the quicksand behind him.

Jenna was never to blame for our bitter break up. She came afterwards, her betrayal was to her husband—my friend—not me. So, surprisingly the news didn’t upset me as such, if anything I was happy that they were actually serious because in a way it made all the pain and anger worth something. It added a deeper hue to that grey area.

But the reality was that they needed to be careful with the conversations they were having when the girls were around.

If it had been Molly having that conversation with Jamie after the last four weeks, he would’ve completely lost it. Especially with what had happened with the house. I still couldn’t believe that Jenna had expected him to just hand her the deeds to their home and walk away like he didn’t have any entitlement.

In the end Richard put up the money for Jamie’s share and essentially bought him out of his own home. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to sign my home over to Jenna, regardless of whether she’d paid for it or not. Part of the reason I hadn’t sold my house was because of all the memories I’d made within its walls. They’d seen so much of my love, happiness and even my pain. They’d been my hiding place, my shelter and my haven.

I hadn’t expected dad to sign the house over to me as a wedding present. It had been a part of our family for over three centuries. I had grown up running up and down those stairs, playing hide and seek with Phillip in those rooms.

Over time the pain had tainted those memories and a part of me kept asking why I still stayed. There were days I woke up and I could feel the pain strangling me, then there were others where I didn’t feel any of the darkness until I went past the room that had encapsulated so much of my grief.

I looked out of Pippa’s door and my heart squeezed at the now grey walled room and wondered whether I would’ve kept the walls pale blue. Whether we would’ve added stickers or maybe a mural. What the house would feel like with two kids running around rather than just Pippa playing in her room. I wondered if mum would sleep in one of the kids’ rooms or if she would sleep in the guest suite. Would she still be capable of keeping up with three grandchildren rather than just Daniel and Pippa?

Of course she would.

I got Pippa’s small weekend bag ready. Not that she needed one, Richard and Jenna had made sure that she had a place with them just as much as she did with me.

I text her dad to let him know I’d pick her up from school and drop her off at Jenna’s. Tonight was his last night on and our daughter’s first night with him. She’d spend the next four nights and then mum would pick her up from school on Tuesday before I got home from my second day back at work. It seemed pointless to have her stay at their house when he wasn’t even there, but I was certain that it was so Philippa got used to and familiar with Jenna as a mother figure when I wasn’t there.

Just admitting that, just that thought had me on the verge of hyperventilating. There were times when I got scared that she’d lessen the bond between me and Pippa. That she’d take my place, but at the end of the day she would always be my little girl.

I had carried her and nursed her. I had stayed up all night with her when she was sick, and I had kissed all her hurts better. Nothing would ever change or erase that.

The cab ride to the school was quick for a Friday afternoon. I ended up having to wait almost twenty minutes for the gates to open and then all the nannies and au pairs rushed the entrance like Harrods had a BOGOF promotion at their Louboutin concession.

I ended up making small talk with one of the mum’s I frequently bumped into during Sunday Mass.

Mass was really just another added cost to sending Pippa to one of the best Prep schools in London, that just so happened to be Catholic.

By the time we’d left the school grounds the car lined streets were back to their dual carriage width and there were only a few other parents walking along with their little ones.

I listened to every little detail of Pippa’s day as we walked hand in hand to her favourite coffee shop. She told me how Molly had gotten an award for advancing on her Violin grade and how Daniel had got into a fight with an older boy because his sister was picking on her.

I thumbed off a text to Dorian to go easy on him. I knew that Mr. Headley would’ve called her in to explain to her just why fighting was against the school code of conduct. He probably also shoved their in everything we do today, we follow Jesus and his way moto down her throat for good measure. Basically, he loved the sound of his own voice. He also loved to make single or divorced parents feel like they were less than the wholesome families.

Anyway, I hoped that she didn’t berate the poor boy for sticking up for his younger cousin.

I always took Pippa for cake and hot chocolate before dropping her off at her dad’s. It was my way of showing her that I didn’t want to let her go. I wanted to spoil her and make her feel special so that she didn’t feel like I was just dumping her on her dad.

That was a real fear of mine, that she would think I was leaving her with Richard and Jenna so I could go off and have fun without her. The idea that she might think I was trying to palm her off on her dad made me nervous.

By the time we got to Richard’s house it was starting to get dark. The door swung open before we even got halfway up the front steps and a very excited Molly jumped up and down on the top step, already home from her violin lesson, wearing a bright pink tutu, rainbow striped tights and a blinding yellow top with a smiling daisy on it that was sure to brighten any crappy early October evening. That was definitely a Jamie outfit. He always let Molly pick what she wanted to wear and compared to some of her other ensembles today’s was pretty tame.

He came out of the house to drag her back in as we got to the door. He twirled Pippa and pushed both of the girls through the threshold. I honestly hadn’t expected him to be there. After the confrontations between him and Richard, I thought he’d drop Molly off at the door and leave.

“You alright?” He pulled me in for a hug and kissed my temple.

He held me there for a moment like he needed that little bit of extra contact.

“Yeah. You?” I asked him over my shoulder as I spun around and walked inside.

“Oh, you know.” He smiled as he squeezed my shoulders with both of his hands.

“Yes. I. Do.” I replied back, punctuating every word by loosening a coat button.

“Hey Quincy.” Jenna stood in the kitchen doorway wiping her hands on a tea towel.

My eyes instantly searched her body for any sign that she was with child. But then, she was so slender, and she was wearing this oversized shirt over black leggings that fell loosely to the middle of her thighs.

“Are you staying?” She asked as she walked back into the kitchen.

“I was hoping to talk to you and Richard about something.”

“Yeah?” She smiled back at me.

I’d never tried to talk to her properly once she and Richard had come out. It was all about Pippa. What she liked. Her routine. Her allergies. Even though she already knew all those things because we had been somewhat friendly at one time. Our husbands had been best friends and our daughters were best friends.

I never gave her the time of day after she and Jamie broke up. I knew that he blamed Richard and all, but honestly, they spent more time apart than they did together.

Jamie was focused and driven and when he came across a patient that needed his help he got so wrapped up in the science and the process. It bordered on obsession.

“Yeah.”

“Richard’s just getting out of the shower, but you can take a seat and wait.” She motioned to the breakfast bar stools. “Can I get you a drink?”

“Sure. Do you have any wine?” I smiled at her.

I was desperately trying to sound her out. There would be nothing worse than starting a conversation about babies if Pippa had misheard them. Talk about awkward.

“Um, well, yeah…I guess.” She looked around the kitchen flustered.

Bingo.

I looked over at Jamie who was sat on the stool next to mine. “Do you fancy a glass too?”

“Not really.” He looked at me confused, almost like I’d grown two heads. His eyes searching my face. He rested his arm on the back of my stool around me as his thumb trace the bottom of my shoulder blade back and forth, soothing me like he could sense that something was going on.

He always had the right touch like he was completely in sync with me. I leaned back into his hand a little more and he completely flattened it onto my side. His fingertips pressing between my ribs.

“Just me then, why don’t you have a small glass with me Jenna?”

“Well, I…” She was about to set the glass of red in front of me but I took it out of her hand and took a generous sip.

“Hey Quince, I didn’t know you were stopping.” Richard walked into the kitchen and stood next to Jenna. His hand on the small of her back.

They made such a beautiful couple. Her with her burnished brown curly hair and leaf green eyes and him with his almost white hair and ice blue eyes. They were both quite tall. She was slender, and he was lean. They just fit so well next to one another, but she was the type of woman that could stand next to any man and make it a picture of perfection.

It was a little intimidating sitting in front of them. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t just want to get up and leave. Forget the whole baby thing, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be able to tell my daughter exactly what was going on. I wanted to be able to prepare and protect her. Did my need to protect her make me an awful person when it came to the possibility of sharing her dad with another child that was his flesh and blood?

“I wasn’t going to. But, I figured you should know that I walked in on Pippa stuffing a cushion up her nightie this morning. Right before she asked me about how babies are made, and if you’d still be her dad when your baby is born.” I said as I looked between them.

I hadn’t intended on being confrontational, but the reality was that my daughter was hurting over this and I needed them to know that it wasn’t okay. Plus, it just sort of happened. The words just rolled off my tongue in that way.

Jenna opened and closed her mouth like a fish out of water, and Richard was looking at me like I’d said something wrong or out of turn. I picked up my glass and was about to take a sip when Jamie snatched it from me and pretty much finished it in one.

He wiped his lips with the back of his hand before addressing Jenna. “Does Molly know?”

She shook her head, clearly still taken aback. I could see tears shining in her eyes and I realised that she was probably as scared as my daughter was. She had to tell her little girl that there would be more change. Call me sentimental, but I felt for her. In some ways I pitied her because without Richard she was alone. She’d left her home and her family to be with Jamie and now she was starting all over again with a man who didn’t have the best reputation for being faithful. And I wondered whether she ever worried that he would stray from her. I wondered if that was something that she thought about often, or whether she trusted him so much that it never really crossed her mind.

“I’m not angry about the news. I’m happy for you, congratulations.” I smiled at her. “Just…Please, just don’t hurt my baby. This is all so confusing as it is, so maybe sit down with the girls and explain it to them. Right now, Philippa thinks she won’t have a dad anymore.”

I looked at Richard. “You need to reassure her that you won’t love her any less. Please?”

“Of course.”

“Hold on a second. How the fuck did this happen? You said you didn’t want any more kids when we…” His words died on his lips before he stated matter of factly, “You didn’t want any more with me.”

“At the time I didn’t want any more, period, but things have changed and—”

“And now you’re with Dick over here.” Jamie stood and patted Richard’s shoulder. “You know, had you been honest with me we could’ve saved ourselves a whole lot of unnecessary angst.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you and…” She turned to him.

“It’s a shame you didn’t think of that when you two decided to go behind my back. After all the hospital gossip? I expected it from you.” He pinned Richard with a glare. “Let’s be honest, you weren’t Mr. Fidelity. But you? I trusted you with everything.”

Richard stilled, his eyes meeting mine before narrowing on Jamie’s. “Where were you?”

“What?” Jamie took a step back.

He paced up and down one half of the kitchen like he was going over everything in his head. I wanted to hold him and make all the anger and sadness masking his handsome face dissipate. I wanted to squeeze his hand and let him know that it was okay and to mute all this noise.

“Where were you when she was your wife?”

“Richard!” Jenna squeezed his shoulder like she was begging him to stop.

“What, Jenn?” He shrugged. “He keeps going on like he’s so innocent in all of this but, where was he? Maybe if he was actually here he would’ve known sooner.”

“How long did it take for you to come clean?” Jamie spun around and looked directly at Richard. “How many times did you fuck her behind my back?”

The venom and disgust coating his words as he referred to her, Jenna, made me wince.

“We’re not having this discussion again.” Richard looked at his watch before stating, “I need to go before I’m late. Look, James…Quince, I’m sorry you found out about the baby like this. I really am, but let’s face it, there was always going to be some sort of backlash. At least now it’s out in the open and we can just prepare the girls together. Right?”

I grabbed the back of Jamie’s shirt and pulled him back from Richard’s face, the stool I was sitting on wincing as it tilted forwards with my body weight. His fists were balled, and I knew that he was ready to shove my ex-husband’s callous words right back down his throat. As true as they were, they were still brutish and harsh.

“Quince, you understand how it is. We’ve explained a lot more difficult circumstances to Pippa.” Richard shrugged.

“Firstly, my name is Quincy. You should know that considering we were married for five years. Secondly, this is not okay.” I swallowed down my nerves and tears as I remembered his words before he walked out on me the last time, right after I’d found him with another woman.

“Technically it was three years. The other two don’t really count do they?”

Fuck me, I wished that I’d let Jamie smash his smarmy face to a pulp.

“None of this is fine. This is a clusterfuck of your own making and we’re just trying to live through it. And don’t give yourself credit because all of this isn’t about you or our non-existent marriage. It’s about our children. Those girls have enough on their plates without the added doubt of where they stand. So, if I were you I would worship the ground that little girl out there walks on. I’d hold on tight before she decides you are nothing but a disappointment to her too.”

“Quincy…” Jenna said with a knot in her voice that sounded like she was about to burst into tears.

I stood from the stool and walked to the hall. I kissed my daughter goodbye, assuring her that I loved her more than anything in this universe before I grabbed my coat and bag and left. I walked away before I blew.

Jamie

Richard was gone and I should’ve left. I should’ve followed Quincy out of the door and cooled down. But her reaction was unexpected. I thought she’d be upset about the baby news. Ever since Theo she’d been funny about babies, which was odd because of her job. A Cardiothoracic surgeon who’d specialised in Paediatrics and was mostly uncomfortable about babies. Ironic. Laughable even.

But I’d come to understand that by helping other infants and children she felt less guilty about what had happened to her and her son. Not that it was her fault. Babies are stillborn every day, but because of her knowledge she felt that she should’ve known something was wrong. She felt like she should have had a sixth sense as a mother and as a doctor. In a lot of ways, she was still trying to make up for it with how she fussed over Philippa.

There was a part of me that sometimes wondered where we would be now if Theo was a live and healthy baby. A part of me would do and give anything to take that pain from her to give her that little boy back. And then there was a part of me, a very selfish and sick part of me, that once in a while was happy to be able to comfort her. That was grateful that her tragedy had made us closer.

Sick, right?

If Theo was a part of our lives, would she and Richard still be together?

I hope not.

That was the issue. That was what confused me, a lot, because I had no right to think that. I had no right to be relieved that she and Richard had fallen apart. They’d unravelled in spectacular fashion in front of my eyes and the whole time I was so fucking glad. He didn’t deserve her, and he never had.

But I’d left her once too. And being there for her made me feel like shit. I held her in my arms and I wondered what would’ve happened if I hadn’t left. What would’ve happened if I’d just had the selflessness to stay?

If that had been us, would we have fallen apart too? Would she hate me? Would I have been able to hold her like I had, or would I have been a Richard too?

Again, I had no business wondering those things because I hadn’t stayed, and I’d married someone else. I’d married Jenna and she’d married Richard, and I was wrong for taking his place.

I was wrong for telling her that she didn’t need him.

I was wrong for holding her whilst my heart raced with relief that they were done.

I was wrong for doing and saying so many things, but the reality was that she was my friend. In many ways she’d taken Phillip’s place. She’d become my best friend. My silent ally when my life fell apart.

But unlike me, she’d told me that it was okay for me to want to fix things with my wife. Unlike me, she’d told me to take my time. To cool off and see how I felt after the dust had settled.

She’d been a voice of reason. Reason that I’d ignored because I was relieved that I had an out.

But that relief didn’t ever dull my anger, or my bitterness, or even the hurt that someone I’d trusted, someone I’d allowed into my home…my best friend, had taken advantage of me. Richard had taken advantage of my trust and betrayed me.

“Jamie?”

Jenna put another glass of wine in front of me as she pulled out the stool that had been Quincy’s and sat. I couldn’t look at her. Being in this house with her. Molly playing in the other room. Her being there, sat next to me like we’d done so many times. It was confusing.

I wanted to hate her, but I couldn’t. I wanted to yell and shout at her. I wanted to make her feel all the shitty ways she’d made me feel.

“I was lonely.”

I wrapped my thumbs around the stem of the glass and flattened my hands on the granite counter. I should’ve said something, but it was like my synapses were misfiring and the message wasn’t getting to my mouth and my lips and tongue. I searched the stone for the copper flecks within it. It had taken us months to settle on this colour granite to go with the dark grey kitchen cabinets with the copper and cream enamel handles.

“I called my mom all the time. I spoke to her for hours on facetime and I even had her in the background as we both did our thing. I tried to make myself busier with work. But you were never here, and when you were here in person your mind was elsewhere.”

She laid her hand on my shoulder. “I tried to tell you, but it never actually registered with you. You’ve got this passion that consumes you whenever someone needs you. It’s the most incredible thing to see. Your eyes they have this fire in them when your head is in overdrive. At first it was sexy, and it was enough because I figured that someday you’d look at me like that. You’d realise that I needed you and I’d be the sole focus of that crazed obsession of yours.”

She took a deep breath as her sob filled the air between us. “But, you looked straight through me and gave it to her. God, I felt so guilty for envying her. She’d just lost her baby and then buried him. I shouldn’t have envied her. I shouldn’t have wanted to have been her. But every time you left her and came back to me you did things to me that made me feel alive again. Even though I knew she’d done that to you, I was fine with being the one that got it from you.”

I turned to look at her. Her eyes were rimmed red and her nose was runny. Her hands clasped tightly in her lap.

I’d never seen her like that. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones, but it felt so sincere and that’s when the guilt hit me. I hadn’t been a good husband to her at all. She hadn’t gone behind my back, I’d turned my back on her. Maybe I hadn’t committed the same crimes as she and Richard had, but I’d committed quite a few of my own.

“It wasn’t like that with Quincy.”

She flinched the moment the name left my lips.

“Just because you didn’t realise it or chose not to acknowledge them, it doesn’t mean that your feelings don’t exist. You two have this thing, you understand each other. Your priorities and the way you see things is the same. You’re on the same level right here,” she pressed her long grey manicured fingers to the middle of her forehead. “And here,” her hand dropped to her chest and she pressed it over her heart. “I was always playing catch up to her. Maybe you didn’t intend it like that. I don’t believe you did. I know you loved me in your own way.”

“You were everything.”

“For a little while, but the moment we got here, and she was there…” She took a deep breath. “If she hadn’t been pregnant with Pippa after she and Richard split, would you have stopped yourself?”

“What?”

“You know what I mean. Just like I know that it crossed your mind. There were times when we were together and you were not with me, Jamie. I saw it on your face and in your eyes and the way you were with me.”

I couldn’t deny it because it had crossed my mind. All those times I held Quincy and I’d wanted to do more to comfort her and to show her that she wasn’t alone. But I never acted on it because I’d made a promise to the woman sitting in front of me, and I couldn’t go back on my word. I couldn’t hurt her and betray her. But, maybe I had done all those things, just not in the same way she had.

“We were so young when we jumped into this, Jamie. You were in a new country and you were something new to me. I’d never met anyone like you. You walked into the ethics class and I was gone. I never thought that someone like you would look twice at somebody like me, and when you did…it was magic. I don’t know if you were ever in love with me, but I hope that at one point you were.”

“Jenna…”

“I know you loved me, Jamie. In some ways I still think you do. How could you not? Despite all of this, we’ve shared so much. We’ve done so much together. We made a beautiful and smart life together.” She wiped my fallen tears from my face and smiled at me through her own. “I still love you. But that love isn’t enough, it isn’t what it should be. That love is the love between friends. It’s always been that love, maybe we got carried away. I like to think that it brought us to where we are now so that we can have the real thing. I don’t know. I just know that although Richard and I went about things the wrong way I don’t regret any of it.”

She stroked my cheek before dropping her hand to her belly.

“He’s my Quincy, Jamie. Maybe you don’t know it yet. But the way you looked at her today, I stood there and watched you watch her.” She pointed at the kitchen doorway. “I watched you finally take a breath and let go. You have no idea how intimidating it was to have you both sat here in front of me. The two of you together have this pull, this connection that sucks the air out of the room. You don’t need to touch or speak, it’s just there. I know you feel it, and I know you rein yourself in so tight…you close yourself off so that you don’t have to acknowledge it. You should. For yourself, and for her. It doesn’t all have to be bad blood. We can make this all worth it and better.”

“Problem is, Jenna, I don’t know how to. I can’t just overlook all of this. I can’t get over the fact that he is living my life. He’s replaced me in this house. He sees Molly more than I do. You have no idea how it kills me to have to hand my own flesh and blood over to another man. To him. You have no idea what it feels like for your daughter to ask you if he is her dad too. Can you imagine that?”

She shook her head.

“I didn’t think so. I walk around in fear that one day she’ll just think I’m nobody to her. Maybe I was an awful husband. Maybe I should’ve doted more on you, but unlike you, I have regrets. I didn’t marry you because we were just friends. I married you because I wanted to give you everything, Jenna.”

She scrubbed her hands down her face, sweeping her tears away. The ring on her finger mocking me with its glint.

“You knew. I always told you how important my job was. You knew I was in the States to learn from the best. Maybe it’s selfish, but I can help save people. I’ve scrubbed in on over one-hundred Neuro surgeries, I can count on my two hands how many of those patients didn’t make it. Do you know how many other surgeons out there have those statistics? I’m one of the best, and with that comes a responsibility to do everything in my power to save every life I can. That’s the oath I took. I made that vow to myself.”

“I’m sorry, Jamie.” She took a deep breath. “You know you’re always welcome here. You’re all Molly ever talks about. I have to pry the phone away from her every day. Our girl loves you something crazy.”

“I have to go.” I stood from the stool at the same time she did. I wasn’t equipped to deal with all of this. Especially not in this house.

Jenna stood on her tiptoes and planted a kiss on my cheek as she cupped my face with both of her hands. “I am so sorry for hurting you, Jamie.”

“I know.” I nodded as I pulled her hands off me. “I’ll see myself out. I’ll call Molly later. I don’t want her to see me like this.”

Quincy and I were good friends. I’d held her days after she was born. Her mother had the photos to prove it too. She’d followed Phillip, Richard and I around like a bad smell. She was always there with Willow and Dorian. The three of them, always up to something. Always scheming. So it came as no surprise when my phone rang and one of my sisters’ names shone up at me. I ignored it twice whilst I walked aimlessly through the bright city streets. I kept walking and running things over in my head until the other started calling instead.

“What do you want?” I grumbled into my phone.

“To check on you. Where are you?”

“I’m out.”

“You know I hate it when you’re moody.” Willow whined.

“You know I hate it when you both interfere. I know you’re there too, Dorian.”

“We were worried about you.” Dorian replied quietly.

“Why?”

“Umm…well, I…we…”

“Spit it out!”

“We spoke to Quincy and she said that you might be a little upset and that she was worried and if she’s worried…” She rambled one hundred miles a second like the words were falling out of her mouth too quickly for even her to keep up.

“Shut up Willow! We promised we wouldn’t say anything.”

“Okay. Let’s get one thing straight here, I already knew you’d spoken to Quincy. Next time wait at least twenty-four hours before you call me. Also, I’m fine. I just need to get my head straight, and no, before you suggest anything—YOU. CAN’T. HELP. ME.” I punctuated and enunciated every word in the hope that they’d get it loud and clear.

“Fine.” They both huffed in unison.

“Great.” I couldn’t help but laugh at their insolence.

“Mum and dad are doing dinner tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“Are you going?”

“I don’t know. I have a patient that’s unstable so…” I was still waiting for the parents of my non-concussion patient to sign the surgical permission document. It was just another thing that was making me on edge.

“Sounds serious.” Dorian replied.

It always amused me how such an intelligible and successful barrister had lost the name lottery. I had no idea what my parents were thinking naming a girl Dorian because my mother desperately wanted another boy.

“It is.”

“I hope it all works out. Let me know if you need anything. I know the divorce is done and everything, and I know that it’s not my area…”

“Dorian, I really am fine. I spoke to Jenna today and we understand each other better.”

“I still want to get my cross and stake out every time I hear her name.” Willow hissed.

“Stop being a drama queen.”

“Sorry. Can’t. It’s my occupation. You save lives, she cleans messes and I bring the fun!” She chimed. “Also, I have tickets for my matinée in December. Wanna come big brother? Quincy’s already said yes.”

“After you blackmailed her into it.”

“Means must.”

“I’m going to go now. Thank you for reminding me why I only need you both in small doses. I love you.”

“You too.” They both crooned and put the phone down.

Quincy

I love it here. The fresh air and the sound of the warm breeze rippling the water makes it impossible not to relax. It should feel like you’re constantly being watched by all the other homes around the enormous lake, but even when the jet skis and the motorboats are out on the water and the neighbours are all out it’s so tranquil and quiet. It’s like the water and the Cotswolds air eat up all the manmade noise and the only thing left are the birds chirping and the branches of the trees swaying and their leaves rustling.

It’s peaceful. And I need the peace so badly right now. I’ve tried doing some more advanced reading for September. Every time I think that I’m about to start my first year of Medicine at one of the top three medical schools in the world I get a little panicky. Oxford has been my dream since I was old enough to understand dad’s conversations with mum about his patients. He’s a Cardiothoracic Surgeon. He’s exactly what I want to be. And I’m shitting myself because what if I’m just not as great as he is?

I’ve done nothing but study my whole life. I study and I dream, because one isn’t enough without the other. Phillip makes fun of me because I’m not very social, mum and dad always push me to make friends, but the reality is that I’m happy with the friends I have. I don’t want more. I don’t have the time for more, although Richard keeps telling me that once I start Uni it’ll change. I don’t think it will.

“A penny for your thoughts?”

I swear every time he talks to me my heart just about explodes out of my chest. Jamie’s voice is so different. It’s changed. It’s deeper and rumbly, and it makes me think and imagine things that I don’t usually go out of my way to think about let alone imagine. It makes my belly do acrobatics and my mouth water.

How is that possible? How can his voice alone do that to me?

“Are you still angry with me?” He asks as he sits on the edge of the hot tub my parents had installed on the first-floor balcony.

It’s such a pretty view. The water and the trees that surround one side of it with all the beautiful grey, white and light blue lake houses that line it in a cosy and enclosed U. You can just make out the green rolling hills surrounding us with the large church spire just about breaking the treeline. It’s just so wonderfully beautiful.

“I’m not upset with you,” I hear myself reply even though I am a little.

To be honest I think I’m a little more heartbroken that he’s leaving than I am angry. I was so looking forward to having Jamie around at Oxford, but he’s going to do an Overseas Exchange to UCLA so he can learn from some great minds like Doctor Wilson Weller—a teaching and practicing Neurosurgery god. Or whatever Jamie calls him.

Phillip decided to stay close to home at UCL even though he got an offer to Oxford just like Jamie and Richard did three years ago. He doesn’t want to leave his girlfriend, Jamie’s sister and my best friend, behind. I think I’m a little bit jealous of them, even if I am happy for them.

Jamie is just coming round to the idea, and I know that the only reason why he came to find me is probably because he still doesn’t know how to handle them being so touchy and lovey dovey with one another.

“You’re not?” He shuffles closer until the side of his thigh touches mine.

His legs are different too. They have a light smattering of hair that kind of matches his chest and the trail down from his navel. I can’t help but run my eyes down his slightly defined torso and down the light trail of fuzz that leads down to the top of his shorts, all the way down his shorts to his thighs and knees.

I’m so distracted by all his golden skin that I don’t even realise how fast my heart is beating until I feel the hammering in my chest pulsing up my neck to the back of my throat.

Seriously?

My skin heats as he wraps his arm around my bare shoulders. His thumbs lightly strumming the string holding my bikini top up around my neck. It’s like the sun shines brighter in that moment and the UV rays become laser strong and solely focused on me.

“Then why did you throw the Uni hamper we gave you in the bin?”

“Because it’s stupid. I don’t need wine and condoms and…”

“You say that now, but when you get there you’ll be thankful. You don’t want to be caught short, the dial-a-condom service isn’t as discreet or anonymous as you think.”

“Guys don’t even look at me like that.” I shrug.

He goes super still next to me. His arm becomes slightly heavier on my shoulders and his thumb tucks under the halter neck string of my red bikini top. He clears his throat and I can hear his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows.

“Quincy, that’s not true. Believe me, my sisters have made it a point to tell me every chance they get.”

He pulls me closer to him so that I have no other option but to rest my head on his shoulder.

“Why would they do that?” I mumble into the soft skin of his shoulder.

It’s shiny and taught. It wraps flawlessly around his lean muscled arms with the odd sun freckle here and there. He smells briny and citrusy. A combination of his cologne, sweat and the lake water.

I inhale deeply as his shoulders shake with laughter.

Wait, why is he laughing at me?

“Why are you laughing at me?”

He clears his throat again before he sighs, “You have no idea.”

“No idea of what?”

Our eyes lock as I look up at him. His bright blue eyes are like ocean blue sparkling glass as the sun lights them up. They have these silvery grey flecks that bleed to the edges of his irises and form these thin dark rings that are only marginally lighter than his pupils.

“You’re so pretty…so beautiful…”

It’s like he can read my mind and steal the words on the tip of my tongue as he reaches for my hair with his hand and wraps it with my long tresses.

And if my heart wasn’t already hammering into my ribcage, it’s now batter ramming its way out like it’s trying to break free or get closer to his heart.

I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t actually say anything. I can’t verbalise with the way that he’s looking at me. The way his eyes are eating up every inch of my face and the way they flitter down to my chest and then up to my lips.

His wet and shiny pink tongue darts out and moistens his lower lip before he draws said lip in with his teeth and bites down so hard that the blood and colour drain around the trenches his teeth have made.

I can’t help but mimic him with my own tongue and lips and teeth. He gasps lightly and as my eyes meet his again the pupils are so big that there is only a perfectly slim ring of silver speckled cerulean surrounding them. And I can’t breathe. The air feels too hot and dry. And thick? Why does the air feel so thick? It feels like I’m filling my lungs with invisible oil. My lungs feel so full that they have to push the air back out in deep and long unsteady breaths.

The arm around my shoulders falls and he brings his hand up to cup my cheek. And I know what’s happening because I’ve seen it in films and I’ve seen other people around us kiss. I can even kind of picture it in my mind—what we must look like right now. But I still can’t quite comprehend why he’s coming closer to me. Why his breathing is just as manic as mine. I can’t understand why he’s about to kiss me with wide eyes and desperate breaths.

The hand in my hair tugs slightly and my face tilts marginally so that our lips touch.

Oh, God.

His warm lips are so soft and so tender as they brush over mine and I want to throw my arms around his neck, straddle his lap and just fucking devour him.

Fuck, I’m like some lust crazed person.

I don’t even know how I manage to stay so still with all those thoughts and all the electricity zapping through me.

I don’t know what to do next. If I should open my mouth or lick his lips. Whether I should touch him. I want to touch. I am touching him.

He’s groaning as he licks my lips and as my hands hold on to his waist so tight that my nails bite into his flesh. But then it’s not just my nails biting into his skin, it’s his teeth sinking into my lower lip. It’s his hand cupping my face so hard that I know it should hurt, I know that it’ll leave a mark, but I don’t care because it feels so fucking good. It’s his fingers weaving so tightly into my hair that the sting makes me want to pull on his hair too.

I can’t help the strangled moan that escapes my mouth as he slips his tongue inside and licks my own.

I’ve never kissed or been kissed like this before and even though I’m unpractised and new to this, my hands seem to be in the know as they travel brazenly down his sides to the top of his swimming shorts and as unsure as I am, I know that I want to slip my hands under the elastic and become acquainted with every last inch of his sexy skin.

Shit, I don’t think I’ve ever used that word to describe another person, let alone a boy…a man. Jamie.

He grumbles a shallow growl right at the back of his throat as my fingertips skim around the navy elastic of his shorts. His tongue licks deeper and twirls around mine.

I want more. I want to tell him that I want it too, but I don’t want to stop kissing him back and I have this unsure tightness in my chest that makes me bashful and fearful that he’d reject me anyway.

I want him to touch me in ways that I’ve only heard other girls boast and brag that they’d been touched. I want his mouth and his tongue to taste a lot more than just my own.

Before I even realise it we’re both standing in the middle of the warm, soft rolling water and his hands are squeezing my bum cheeks to the point that I think they’ll leave bruises. And it makes me feel excited in ways that I’ve never felt before and it makes me feel like a livewire.

All this and he never stops our kiss. His tongue tastes mine with a ferocity that feels like years of need all at once. I rove my hands up his sides and his back, relishing the feel of his muscles pulling and tightening under his hot skin. By the time my hands round to his chest and travel up to his hair our bodies are completely flush and my boobs feel even bigger and heavier than they already are. My nipples feel sore like they’re being pinched and pulled and there’s this familiar, yet new ache that’s building between my legs and the bubbling water is only making that ache stronger whilst making it feel better at the same time.

I’ve never felt the arousal of a man, but I can feel his and it’s pressing deliciously to my lower belly. I feel the heat creep up my neck and flush my cheeks and all I want to do is find a way of getting closer. My fingers tighten their grip in his sun bleached brown hair and I can’t help but pull him down to me, even as I feel him softly pull away.

No. Please don’t stop.

“Quincy,” He says hoarsely as his arms wrap around my waist lightly. “We have to stop.”

“Why?” I can feel panic building in my chest and I can hear it in my high-pitched voice.

“I’m leaving.” He whispers as he tucks my hair behind my ears.

“So? I know.”

“I can’t do this and then leave you, sweetheart. It’s wrong.”

“It’s not. I want to…”

“I don’t. I can’t, Quincy. I can’t use you like that.”

My eyes sting with tears at his words. I want him to do whatever it is he thinks is wrong. I want him to use me in the way he doesn’t think he can or he should.

“Please?”

“No. No, sweetheart. You deserve more. You’re better than that. If I wasn’t leaving…”

I want to shout and yell at him not to leave. Not to leave me. I want to fall onto my knees and beg him to stay and do all the things I can see so vivid in his eyes that he wants to do. But I can’t.

I can’t ask that of him.

So instead I just let him hold me and hug me whilst I try so hard to hold my tears in, but fail at doing so.

The memories of our first kiss still made my heart stutter and my body warm as they raced to the forefront of my mind. It was the most cherished memory I had of my youth, the one I could never shake and that never dulled. I remembered everything about it. The place, the smells, the soundtrack and every single one of his touches.

Shit, alcohol is bad.

The minute it mixed with my blood it was like my head decided it was time to go down memory lane. It was also why I’d spent over an hour and a bit on the phone to Dorian and Willow. Talking about their brother and listening to them tell me to stop overthinking. Although that last part had mostly been Willow.

Considering they were twins they couldn’t be any more different. Willow was always hippie dippy and believed that there was nothing a good musical couldn’t solve, and Dorian was so straight-laced that we often had to remind her that she was allowed to have fun.

She hadn’t always been like that. But life fucked her over, and she’d poured herself into her career and my nephew. She’d always been smart, but the moment we were told that Phillip was gone, it all changed.

I couldn’t help the sour giggle that hissed between my teeth. I didn’t know what was the culprit. The wine or the chocolate biscuits. All I know is that the only thing that I could think about was Jamie and the hurt on his face. Maybe I shouldn’t have left him, but I needed to clear my head. I needed to make sense of my anger, because it wasn’t for me. All the anger in me had been for him.

We’d skirted around each other for so long. We were always there, but we never quite met in the middle. Then everything with Theo happened and he was there. He’s the one that sat with me after Richard and I buried our son. It should have been my husband, but he couldn’t do it. Maybe it was morbid. Maybe it was pointless like he’d pointed out, it wouldn’t bring our son back. But whatever it was, Jamie was there with me.

He’d held me even when I didn’t think I wanted to be held. He’d wiped my tears and stroked my hair and held my hand until I’d passed out, and then he’d picked me up and taken me home. He’d helped my mother take care of me and he’d sat with me all night whilst my husband had been out somewhere getting drunk.

No one ever understood how or why I ended up with Richard. My mother always said I got my wires crossed, that I was rushing into something I didn’t need to be rushing into. It was a little over ten years since I’d married Richard at twenty-three. He was already in his first year of specialty training and I was fresh out of Uni. I’d watched Jamie marry Jenna and I thought that if I finally accepted Richard’s proposal that I would stop thinking about him. I’d stop pining for him. For some reason at that time it had made sense.

Except it didn’t. It was a silly decision made out of sadness and disappointment. Heartbreak.

I’d never looked at Richard in a romantic way or any way other than as one of my brother’s best friends. We weren’t even friends really. He was just there all the time. We never spoke or mucked around like Jamie and I did. But after Jamie left and I ended up at Oxford, Richard was there, and we started doing more together. He’d invite me out for drinks with his friends, that included a lot of girls, I should’ve known from that alone that he wasn’t the kind of guy to stick to one woman. But he was nice, and he never really pushed for anything with me. It just sort of happened.

My pining for Jamie turned into angst and anger that he’d left and one night I kissed him. I kissed Richard. I started all of it. We never went on a date or anything, we either went out with the same friends or we studied together and after weeks of kissing and touching I asked him for more…and he gave it to me. He was gentle and he was nice. He never asked or pushed for more than I wanted to give him, but we just went along with it until it became a relationship and at nineteen, my second year at university, I was settled with him. He was Twenty-Three and in his last year. I thought that we’d break-up once he was back in London, but he kept coming back to see me and then he proposed. Out of nowhere. Or I thought it was out of nowhere. He completely blindsided me.

It was my third year and I wasn’t ready because I just wanted to get through my degree. I told him so the first time, and he didn’t bat an eyelid. He waited until the following year, and again I said I wasn’t ready even though he’d written down a detailed plan of what the next ten years of our lives would look like and I had to admit that it made sense to get marriage out of the way and then just focus on our careers and establishing ourselves, putting down roots. Still, every time he asked I’d think of Jamie. I knew that he had a girlfriend. I’d met her that Christmas just gone. She was beautiful and she was funny. Very American and friendly to a fault.

A few months later Phillip told me they were engaged, and I know I should’ve been happy for him, but it stung. It shouldn’t have, after all I was with Richard and he’d wanted to marry me too. I never understood why he wasn’t the one to tell me about Jamie’s engagement. Phillip said it was because Richard was scared of my reaction and I left it at that, I didn’t want to affirm his assumption. Anyway, the following year Jamie was back, and Jenna was with him. They got married in a Castle in Dorset. It was a massive fairy tale affair and the whole time I wanted to bolt. I didn’t want to hear their promises or see their smiles. I realised that I needed to move on. To let go of our one perfect kiss and get on with my life like he had with his.

Richard proposed again a few months later and I said yes. It was my last year at Oxford and the plan that Richard had shared with me never seemed so appealing like it did then.

We had our plan and we got married on a London rooftop just after I graduated. It wasn’t anything big or over the top. To our mothers’ dismay it was small and informal. I’d worn a vintage type tea length dress and he’d worn chinos and a vest over his shirt. I called it understated elegance and Willow had called it a mistake.

She was right. I should’ve listened to her. I should’ve listened to Dorian when she told me it wasn’t too late to just walk away. I should’ve said no when my dad asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it just before he walked me down the short aisle.

We had two weeks in Hawaii for our honeymoon and then we were back. He wanted to specialise in Emergency Medicine and I wanted to go down the Cardiothoracic route. We were going to work our butts off and finish our specialist training before we even tried to have a baby. But I got distracted with my career, with trying to put the time and work into our marriage and coping with Phillip’s death. I let somethings slip. One being contraception.

We were two years into our plan, I’d just started my specialty training and he was almost halfway through his. And we were pregnant. I was pregnant. But even with my six-month maternity leave, I was still on track to complete my training as expected. My mum was excited to have another grandchild and she was adamant on looking after our child, so we could keep progressing our careers. It all seemed to fit and work out. Until it didn’t.

Everything fell apart in a matter of minutes. Ironic how everything fell to shit in one of the places we worshipped.

The minute that scalpel touched my skin we were doomed.

The moment our son refused to take his first breath our marriage took its last.

There’s a reason the saying life happens exists, and from my experience it’s not because it’s kind.

Downtime without Philippa always gave me too much time to think. Time to wallow. It didn’t even matter that I had prime time Friday night television in the background. I could feel myself itch to have something more to do. An emergency page would’ve been nice right about now. Although I couldn’t actually take it, because of the wine. Even though I hadn’t had enough to compromise my rationality or abilities and even though I’d moved on to coffee after my second glass.

I wasn’t one for hangovers and I always worried what would happen if Pippa needed me and I wasn’t in the right state to see to her.

Wine was definitely bad. So bad that it was actually good, because whilst I was reminiscing, worrying and trying my hardest not to think of the one person I shouldn’t be thinking about because…it’s complicated…he was the one thing on my brain. Rather apt considering brains were his specialty.

Christ, you just know that you need to call it a night when you’re laughing at the poor jokes you’re making in your head.

I grabbed the large black coffee that was probably just about warm and the pack of menthols from the coffee table. I wrapped my cardigan around me before I slid the sash window up and sat on the ledge. I lit a cigarette and took a long drag followed by a mouthful of my coffee. The only thing that was missing was a creamy Galaxy bar. It’d become a ritual of mine, especially when I was having a crappy day or just needed a pick me up.

Most of the neighbours had already closed their curtains and their cars lined the street. I hadn’t had a car in years. I honestly preferred to use a cab.

Jamie always made fun of me, he always said I should just hire a driver because it’d be cheaper. Whatever. What did he know?

“It’s a bit cold for you to be sat outside.”

I jumped at the sound of his voice. I exhaled my drag so fast that it almost made me choke.

My heart started that hammering thing it always did when he was around.

“Is it? Feels nice to me.” I just about managed to reply through the crisscrossing rails.

“I heard you were worried about me.”

“I hate your sisters.”

“Yeah, feeling’s mutual.” He laughed. “Are you going to let me in?”

“What are you the Big Bad Wolf?”

“Have you been drinking?”

“No. Yes.” I took one last long puff and stubbed my cigarette out in the ashtray I kept on the outside ledge before I pulled myself up using the railing. “Why?”

“The Big Bad Wolf? Really?”

I walked back over to the coffee table and put the now cold mug down before I picked up my keys.

“Let yourself in.” I dropped the loaded keyring to the side of the black railing and he caught it in his open palm.

“Are you flirting with me?”

My cheeks heated and my breath quickened. By the time I looked back at where he was standing, he was gone, and I realised that I was wearing my Mickey Mouse Christmas pyjamas. Nice.

I pulled my hair out of its ponytail and combed it back into a fresh one with my fingers before I shut the window. My cheeks warmed as my blood rushed colour onto them.

I turned around and froze as he stood there looking at me like he’d never seen me before. I felt myself warm and pool in places I shouldn’t have as I drank him in from head to toe.

His tousled dark hair that looked like it’d been pulled to within an inch of its life and his scruffy, stubbly beard that should make him look like he was a mess, but it just made him even more beautiful.

That was the only way I could describe him. Beautiful.

He’d probably laugh if I said that, but it was true. He was handsome and gorgeous and beautiful.

God, I needed to pull myself together and maybe not look at him like I was imagining everything underneath. Except, he was looking at me exactly the same way. Me. He was looking at me like he had so many times before, but at the same time in a completely new way. Like there was no barrier of restraint.

His chest was rising and falling as fast as mine. And then he licked his lips.

Fuuuuuuuck!

“Hi.” His voice was dark and husky. Like nothing I’d ever heard before.

I smiled as I breathed out a soft, “Hi.”

“You’re over a month early.” He chuckled as he took a couple of steps toward me.

“I know.” I cringed. “They’re Pippa’s favourite and I know it’s silly, but it makes me feel closer to her when she’s not here.”

“Wait till you see mine and Molly’s matching onesies.”

“That’s just sad.”

“Yeah, but I don’t get to have her as long as you have Pippa…” He sighed as he sat on the arm of the faded brown leather Chesterfield. “I need to make an impression.”

“Oh God, I’m so sorry.” I sat next to him and tucked my clasped hands between my thighs. “I didn’t think. I’m sorry I ran out on you earlier too.”

“It was probably for the best.”

I winced at his words. “That bad, huh?”

“No. Not really. Jenna and I talked about things.”

“And?” I twisted to look at him.

“And what else is there to say? She’s having a baby with Dick.”

“At some point you’re going to have to stop calling him that.”

“It makes me feel better.”

“Does it really?”

“No.” He shrugged, a smirk forming on his lips. “To be fair that was his nickname when we were younger. He should see it as a term of twisted endearment.”

He stood and pulled me up with him. He sat back down on the actual sofa seat and pulled me back down next to him.

“Do you ever think about what life would be like if things were different?” He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. His face in his hands.

“All the time.” I sighed.

He peered up at me over his shoulder.

“Why?”

My heart started the hammering that had only just about mellowed and my hands became so clammy I had to shake them out. I felt almost incapable of breathing.

That sensation where your stomach has dropped yet the butterflies inside it make it feel like it’s where your heart should be, completely overwhelmed me.

It was like everything inside me was humming and vibrating and all I could hear was white noise fizzing in my ears.

“Why Quincy?” He pressed. His voice laced with something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

I swallowed. “Why do you think, Jamie?”

His breath hitched as his gaze bore straight into mine. He sat up, his body twisted towards me and his warm hand cupped my cheek.

“Tell me why.”

I opened my mouth to respond but closed it again as I tried to think of how to string the words together.

The feel of his thumbs stroking my cheeks making the thinking almost impossible.

“Because…be-because—”

He dropped his hands as he murmured a frustrated curse at his phone going off.

He took one look at his screen and got up, shoving his phone in his pocket.

“Shit, I need to go.”

Jamie

I’d spent the last four hours pressuring the toddler’s parents to finally give me their consent and sign the surgical authorisation form so I could actually do what I did best. I was beginning to think it would never happen when the mother had begged me to save her son. It always got to me. That vulnerability was nothing short of heart-stopping. It always put so many other things into perspective for me.

The problem was that by the time that she had realised her little boy was going to die unless she allowed me to step in, it was too late to stop the damage his seizure had started.

Seizures were an everyday occurrence for me, but it still gave me pause when it happened to a child. It wasn’t the thrashing or the way their eyes and eyelids pulsed, or even the suddenness that got to me. It was the knowledge of what was happening in their brain. It was knowing the severity even before the machines started going crazy. You can’t prepare for that. You can’t prepare for when a two-year old’s heart beats its self still because their body’s circuit board is short-circuiting, and their synapses are lighting and firing electrical bolts to all the wrong places. Lighting up their developing brain like the London sky on New Year’s Eve.

It doesn’t matter how quickly you react, the moment that their heart stops, doesn’t matter how momentarily, you know that you’re in the shit. You know you’re running out of time. And it doesn’t matter how much of a god you are, you are limited to what you can do.

Which is why I needed Quincy. I knew brains inside out. Give me any brain and I could move heaven, hell and earth to fix it. Hearts? Not so much. I knew them well, but when it came to the fine points and ins and outs, especially of such a small one, I was like any other surgeon in the building. Quincy on the other hand, she could tell the average Joe what to do step by step over the phone whilst dressing herself without so much as an ummm or a hmmm.

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been expecting something to happen. I’d known it was only a matter of time before the seizures started. I hadn’t expected it to happen like it had.

Jack Davies was an otherwise healthy toddler. His symptoms were all standard for a Posterior Fossa tumour. Or they were until the seizure and then his heart couldn’t cope with all the electrical current making his heartrate sky rocket in a matter of seconds. Its natural pacemaker blew and now I needed Quincy to fix it before I tried to remove the tumour.

I’d scrubbed into other surgeries with Quincy. I’d watched every one of her rituals more times than I even dared to admit. There was something so sexy about her as she ticked off each one of them. She started with her hair, she’d comb it back with her fingers and tied it into a knot on top of her head before she tied her mask on and slid a stretchy band over her fringe to keep it under her pop art Star Trek scrub cap. She kissed and then tucked her grandmother’s ring into her bra. And then she scrubbed her nails, hands, and arms like soap was going out of fashion whilst she did some patterned breathing exercises. By the time she was done with her prep she was cool as a cucumber. Her demeanour completely changed. Gone was the soft and sweet woman.

Quincy the surgeon was awing, she oozed confidence and strength. She was every bit the kick-arse. In other words—massive turn on.

“Ready?”

“Yup.” She gave herself the once over.

“Looking good Brainiac.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Ok, Hot Stuff.”

She rolled her eyes, squinting like she was trying to stop herself from smiling under her mask. “Really?”

“Come on, let’s get this over and done with,” I nudged her hip with the top of my thigh. “We have a conversation to finish after this.”

We started the whole gowning process before the circulating person tied mine and then hers before we gloved up and finished tying the sterile side of the gown ourselves. This procedure was our equivalent of doing the sign of the cross when entering a church.

I could see she was trying her best not to look my way, but the blush on the very top of her cheeks that faded into her ears told me she was failing miserably. I pushed the theatre door open with my back and held it for her to walk past me.

“Thanks.”

“You good?”

“Yes.” She took a deep breath and started toward the briefing nurse and Anaesthetist.

“I need to know you’re okay, this is going to take a while.”

“I’m fine, Jamie.” She snapped back at me. “I’m good to go.”

“You guys okay?” Raj looked between us both.

“Yup.” I replied. “How’s he doing?”

“Stable. The sedation probably stopped any more damage. We can’t be sure until we bring him round. As it is his oxygen saturation is almost at ninety-three percent. Given the situation? I’d say he has a good chance of making it through the surgery without any hiccups.”

Music to my ears.

I walked past him to the head of the operating table. I inspected the surgical instruments as I hummed the lullaby I’d sang to Molly and Pippa time and again. I looked over the overhead skull clamp that would hold the boy’s cleanly shaved head securely in place once Quincy was done. She wasn’t exactly happy that we’d have to bring him to a sitting position after she was finished, but we had no choice.

Raj stood a few feet behind me with the Operating Department Practitioner. Quincy was eyeing her instruments tray whilst one of the surgical nurses looked on.

“Music please.” I spoke to the scrub nurse closest and she conveyed the message to whoever was in charge of that tonight.

The moment it started Quincy’s eyes shot to mine. I smiled at her as warmth filled me. She used to play the song on repeat whenever she was studying, it’d grown on me.

She muttered something about God helping her as she shook her head, her eyes going back down to the little boy’s chest. She ran her index finger down the middle of it as we went through everyone present ending with myself and Quincy.

She looked around at everyone like she was memorising where each individual stood in case she needed to address someone in particular.

“Ready?” She asked.

“Let’s do this.” I replied.

Five hours. It took me five whole hours to get half of the tumour out after Quincy finished working on his heart. The other half was untouchable, unless we inflicted severe damage to other parts of the brain. In a little over a month that fucker had grown at a rate that had me amazed. Not much phased me when it came to tumours, but that thing was impressive…in a completely unimpressive kind of way.

Despite our daily scans seeing it face to face was glorious. I know it sounds insensitive and sick, but seeing a tumour in a scan was completely different to seeing it in real life. I’d seen it grow in the scans, but seeing the way it pushed on the healthy brain matter, the way the brain tissue tried to adapt to the intrusion…it was just fucking incredible.

Brains are such brilliant and beautiful things. How something so sensitive controls all your functions. How it’s the thing that determines whether you are alive or not is just magic. I mean, yes, the heart plays a big role and if it stops doing its job then the brain doesn’t stand a chance, but it’s only when your brain is gone that you are really dead. You could have a heartbeat and still be dead. Brain dead.

So, yeah. Brains. The anatomical God.

We ended up inserting a reservoir under Jack’s scalp that would deliver the Chemo treatment straight to the brain in hopes that the direct treatment stood more of a chance at doing its job. The traditional method clearly wasn’t working, and we needed it to, desperately, if Jack was going to stand any chance of surviving this.

By the time we’d closed him up we were closer to nine hours. Quincy had inserted a pacemaker which would keep his heart going temporarily. Once we’d dealt with the tumour, she’d put him on the transplant list, and hopefully he’d get a working heart.

Still, if those parents had just trusted me from the start this would have been a completely different procedure. It killed me that I couldn’t physically do more for him. It killed me that the seizure he’d had pre-surgery might have caused even more damage than we were anticipating and not just to his heart, but to the brain itself.

It angered me.

I pulled the surgical gown off in one fluid motion, removed the gloves and left the operating theatre. I should’ve gone straight to the parents and let them know that for now he was okay. I couldn’t say that he was stable, because he’d just had open heart surgery followed by a Craniotomy. If that didn’t put him into the unstable category, then I don’t know what would short of actually being on life support.

Why couldn’t they just let me step in earlier? I could’ve done more. He would’ve needed less intervention. His heart. His little heart that was the tiniest I’d ever seen on the table.

Fuck!

There weren’t many times that I felt like I wasn’t done. Like I hadn’t done enough, because I didn’t stop until I had to. But I couldn’t help but feel like I should’ve done more to push his parents. Maybe I should’ve just pressured them that little bit more. Told them more graphically what would happen if they waited to make a decision.

I felt morose and completely frazzled. I felt the need to close myself off and just continue berating myself over it all. I walked into the empty staff room and grabbed a plastic cup of water. I honestly hadn’t even noticed that she’d followed me.

I sat on one of the wooden slatted benches and removed my scrub cap before yanking the mask from around my neck.

She stood with her back leaning on my locker. Her bright pink shoes in contrast with the bright blue of her scrubs. She didn’t say anything for a while, but I could feel her watching me. It was like she was giving me space but without leaving me.

It should’ve felt like an awkward intrusion, but instead it made me focus on something else. It was disarming and heartening.

“I don’t just think about what life would be like if things were different.” She said in a quiet breath. “I imagine it and picture it in my head and I wish so hard that it was true.”

I rested my chin on my clasped hands and looked up at her.

I was not expecting that. It was like a happy slap. Surprise!

The moment I’d heard her suck in enough air to speak I thought she was going to tell me I’d done everything I could. I thought she was going to apologise again for something that wasn’t her fault. Instead she completely knocked me for six. She pulled her scrub hat off and tucked it into the back pocket of her trousers and then she reached down into her top and pulled out her grandmother’s sapphire Claddagh ring, sliding it back onto her middle finger. She stood in front of me and crouched so that we were face to face, her hands resting lightly on my knees.

“If I hadn’t been pregnant and you hadn’t been married when Richard left…” She swallowed and took a deep breath. She raised her shaking hand slowly and traced the side of my face with her index finger, her eyes never leaving mine. Her tongue licked across her bottom lip before she rolled it between her teeth. She cupped my face, “I would’ve done this…”

Her eyes zeroed in on my lips before she tilted my face up and touched her lips to mine.

Everything stopped.

The white noise.

My thoughts.

The guilt.

The anger.

Every.

Single.

Thing.

She sighed like she’d been starved, and my lips were the best meal she’d ever had. Her tongue licked across my bottom lip before she sucked it in between hers and grazed it with her teeth. Her breath catching as my hands cupped the back of her head and pulled her to me. Her knees met the green and grey speckled floor as she knelt between my thighs and opened her mouth as I licked across her soft lips.

My hands were shaking, and my chest felt too small for my heart and lungs combined.

A myriad of feelings washing over me as a deep seeded joy unfurled in the very marrow of my bones. It was something I hadn’t felt in so long…years.

It was reprieve and ecstasy all in one.

Her breaths were shaky and fast as her chest heaved with every inhale and exhale.

I just had to taste her. My mouth was watering with the need to the point that my stomach ached with a hunger for her that was eating me alive from the inside out. Overwhelming me.

I licked into her mouth, and it was the sweetest thing I’d ever enjoyed, she was sweeter than I remembered her to be.

How the fuck did you compare anything else to this?

Her moans were low and long as we explored each other’s mouths. Her hands closing around my wrists like she needed to ground herself to something. To me. It was desperate and sweet and freeing. It felt like despite my heart hammering in my chest and despite my ribcage squeezing my lungs to the point that it was painful…I could breathe.

Like, really breathe. Mountain top, early morning, clean air kind of breathe.

Painful, refreshing and reviving. Pure.

She pulled away, gasping for air like she’d been holding her breath underwater. Never loosening her grip on my wrists, she opened her eyes and the heated look she gave me had my heart stopping and starting.

My blood bubbling and rising like mercury on the hottest day of the year.

My mouth drying like I was on fire.

She steadied her breaths and bit her lip, “I’ve craved that for fifteen years. From the moment you last kissed me, I’ve waited for this.”

So had I, even if I hadn’t consciously acknowledged it until now.

She sighed. Her eyes darting between mine and my lips.

“Me too.” I breathed, before I pulled her closer and deposited another kiss on her lips. “I’ve wanted nothing more than this. Than you.”

She just smiled. Her forearms resting on my thighs as her fingertips grazed my stomach. It was one of the best moments I’d had in a long, long time and I wasn’t ready for it to end. I don’t think I could ever be ready for it to end, and I certainly knew that I never wanted it to.

“Quincy…”

“Yes, Jamie?” She rasped.

“What’re you doing today?” I asked as I cupped her face in my hands.

She shrugged as she leaned her cheek deeper into my palm. “I don’t know.”

“Fancy dinner at mum’s?”

Quincy

“Oh, darling, is he going to be okay?” Susan asked as she stirred the butter into mashed potatoes.

“It’s impossible to say right now…” Jamie started explaining.

I wasn’t expecting to spend my Saturday afternoon at Jamie’s parents’ house. I was going to go home and probably spend the rest of the day dreaming about The Kiss, as I’d come to refer to it in my head. Just thinking about it made me lightheaded. Not to mention the way he’d held my hand as he drove us here. His thumb drawing circles on mine just as he was doing right now on my shoulder.

“Quincy? Earth to Quincy!” I startled as Willow tugged on a few strands of my hair.

“Yes, sorry…” I turned on the wooden stool to face her.

Her eyes zoned in on her brother’s arm as he wrapped it around my chest, pulling me closer to him. I rested my hand on his forearm, under my chin, as I reached for my wineglass on the breakfast bar. I took a slow glug of the dry Chablis his mum had just topped up our glasses with.

She tilted her head to the side, looking at me askance, as one of her brows hitched. A smile lighting up her face as Jamie dropped a kiss on the top of my head after ending his explanation of what had happened with little Jack.

I took another sip of my wine and took out my phone as Willow speedily tapped the screen of hers.

Willow: I know you’ve not been hiding shit from me!!! SPILL!!! NOW!!!

I looked up at her to find her eyeballing me.

Me: I wouldn’t dream of hiding anything from you. There’s nothing to spill.

I pressed send as I looked back up at her and shrugged. She read the message, her brows scrunching like something didn’t make sense and then she was typing furiously again.

Willow: Why the fuck is my brother hogging you and being all kissy kissy? And don’t tell me he always does it because it’s different today. Also, that fucking cat got the cream smile you have like you’re about to melt into a puddle of mush tells me that there is A LOT to tell me. LIAR! SPILL!

Me: There’s nothing to tell.

Willow: Don’t make me make a big deal out of it.

Dorian: A big deal out of what?

Me: WTF Willow!

Willow: She’s withholding information.

Dorian: About?

Me: I AM NOT!

Me: NOTHING!

Dorian: Why are we using shouty caps?

Willow: Because Quincy isn’t being forthcoming. Exhibit A…

A photo of Jamie and I sitting at the light oak kitchen island followed her message. His arm around me and a content smile on my lips as I typed out a message. His chin resting on the top of my head as he listened to Susan. I saved the photo and bit my lip trying to calm all the excitement that was fizzing through me from my core to my extremities.

Dorian: Awwww…

Dorian: ABOUT TIME!

Dorian: SPILL.

Me: Seriously? He’s your brother!

Willow: You don’t have to go into detail. Just fucking tell us why he’s monopolising your personal space and why he keeps kissing your hair! WEIRDOS!

Dorian: Traffic is moving. Be there in 10! We can talk. Dx

I did not want to have a proper out loud conversation with them about this today. I knew exactly what would happen; Willow would lose her marbles and start screeching her excitement over our kiss. I mean, I was very close to doing it myself, but…

Willow: Do your cheeks hurt yet?

I glanced up to give her a questioning look.

Me: Nope.

Willow: So? Come on! Mum is looking at us funny.

Me: He kissed me.

Me: No.

Me: Correction- I kissed him…

I looked up at the sound of her gurgling choke on her wine. Her eyes on her phone as she put her glass down and wiped her chin.

Willow: … AAAAAAAAAAND?

Me: That’s it.

Me: I swear.

Willow: Must’ve been some kiss.

Me: It was.

I could feel my heart pounding again at just the thought of it. Even my lips felt like they were swollen and pulsing again from the way he had nipped, licked and bitten into them.

Dorian: What happened to waiting for me?

Dorian: Open the door.

Willow: Use your keys.

Dorian: My hands are full!

Willow: Fine.

“She’s still fucking texting though.” She whined before she downed the little that was left of her wine and stropped towards the front door.

“So, which one of you is going to tell me what’s going on?” Susan asked, interrupting the conversation she was having with Jamie about Jenna’s unexpected pregnancy and how she anticipated Molly would feel about it.

Susan had been a child psychologist for over thirty-five years before she retired just over seven years ago. She was forward and impossible to hide anything from. She could pick your body language apart and dissect the tone of your voice to the point that she may as well read your mind.

Her mousy brown hair was gathered up into a thick and full high ponytail streaked with countless strands of grey, silver and white, making her hair look even lighter. Her heart shaped face framed by a full fringe. She was unquestionably stunning for a woman her age. Sweet and innocent looking with her full lips that were bracketed by deep rooted smile lines. Where both Dorian and Willow had inherited her sophisticated English country looks, Jamie had very much taken after his dad with his striking blue eyes and dark hair.

“Mum…” Jamie whined as he pulled me closer, twisting the barstool so that I was facing him.

His arm wound tightly around my waist bringing my front flush to his side. My bum barely staying perched on the edge of the seat.

“Don’t mum me, Jamie Frederick Anson, if you two wanted to keep whatever this is a secret,” she waved her hands in our general direction, “You shouldn’t have flaunted it in front of me or flappy lips over there!” She pointed at Willow who was walking in with two boxes adorned with her favourite patisserie’s logo.

“I do not have flappy lips!” She whined as she put the boxes in the fridge.

“UNCLE JAMIE!!!” Daniel came barrelling into the kitchen straight to Jamie who caught him as he threw himself at us. “AUNTIE QUINCY!”

Jesus, he’s inherited Phillip’s loud mouth.

“Where are Pippa and Molly?” He asked as Jamie sat him up on the countertop. “Jake got me the new Mario Kart game and I know they’ll—”

He stopped abruptly, squinting at me and Jamie. His golden-brown eyes following Jamie’s arm around me.

“Why are you cuddling my auntie?” He asked looking seriously perplexed.

“Why not?” Jamie replied as he ruffled his sandy brown hair. “She’s really quite cuddly.”

Oh God, Jamie. Cuddly? Cringe!

I winced slightly, knowing that his words served only to bait his sisters’ and mother’s curiosity even more. Not that I was uncomfortable with them seeing us like this, to be honest, I just don’t think there was anything that could’ve made me feel awkward in front of them. For all intents and purposes we were family.

I watched as Daniel continued staring at us. His expressions so much like his mother’s whilst his features were unbelievably like his father’s. His eyes were the same colour, his slightly olive complexion and the way his nose upturned at the tip. It was like looking at an eight-year-old Phillip.

“Is she your girlfriend?” He asked as he twisted on the counter to face Susan. “Nanny, can I have a drink, please?”

“Can I have my hug first?” She asked.

My racing heart slowed as he threw himself at her arms. His legs wrapping around her waist. She smothered him in kisses before pinning Jamie and I with a look that said something like see, I’m not the only one! My heart picked up its rhythm again as all my blood felt like it was racing up to my cheeks.

Shit, whilst I may not have felt embarrassed or awkward, I was definitely feeling coy with the way she was looking at us.

“Does dad ever really watch the football or does he just sleep through it?” Dorian walked into the kitchen with two gift bags one with a massive, bright pink P and the other with a bright yellow M. “For the girls.” She put the bags down by the kitchen dresser before walking over to Susan and giving her a greeting hug and kiss.

“You alright?” She asked her before addressing Daniel, “Baby, please don’t drink all of that before we have dinner.”

“Fine.” He and Susan replied at the same time, Daniel’s reply more of a whine.

“I’m going to sit with grandad and show him my game.” He skipped out of the room, his question long forgotten.

Thanks buddy.

I took a long sip of my wine as Susan, Dorian and Willow stood on the other side of the counter, in front of us. Three pairs of bright hazel eyes zeroing in.

“So?” His mother asked, “Are you two courting?”

“Courting?” Willow turned to her like she’d said something stupid.

“Dating. Going out. Whatever you kids call it now-a-days.”

I busied my hands by strangling my wine glass. The comfortable air around us seeming to heat up and thicken enough to make it difficult to breathe in.

“Christ, the lot of you are so nosey.” Jamie replied as he squeezed the top of my thigh, “Mind your own businesses and leave us to our own.”

“Well, at least it’s not a no.” Dorian shrugged as she wandered to the glasses cupboard and grabbed a wineglass.

“Good.” Susan smiled as she poured Dorian some wine and topped up the rest of our glasses.

“About fucking time, if you ask me.”

“Willow!” Susan berated.

“We didn’t ask you. Any of you.” Jamie held out his empty lemonade glass to his mum.

She took it and topped it back up for him. “Whatever the pair of you are doing…I’m happy for you.”

I could swear my heart was going to explode if they carried on.

“I always thought she was the right girl.” She tapped Jamie’s cheek. “I’m so very happy for you both.”

Queue bashful.

“Okay, mum, we get it.”

“Get what?” His dad asked as he walked into the kitchen still sleep rubbing his eyes.

“Nothing.” Jamie and I said in unison as Willow spluttered, “They’re together.”

Blabber mouth.

Were we together? It was just The Kiss and other little kisses and a lot of hugging and holding and touching. It was like he couldn’t keep his hands to himself…more so than usual. Which I wasn’t complaining about because I’d waited long enough for it, but we hadn’t actually had enough time to determine what we were doing. If we were doing anything except for a lot more touching…and kissing.

His dad looked between the three of us before he smiled, “Oh, nice. Well done.”

He patted Jamie’s shoulder and gave mine a squeeze before taking the cold glass of lemonade that Susan offered him and waltzing into the garden with a cigar in his hand.

Every single one of us stilled and traced his steps outside and then followed the door’s trajectory as he closed it behind him. His thick more salt than pepper hair going crazy with the autumnal wind as he lit his cigar.

It was like his blasé reaction took the wind out of his wife and daughters, and just like that Susan got back to her bright white Aga that contrasted with the dark grey kitchen.

“Don’t just stand and sit around, set the table. Do something other than wait for the dinner to go cold!” She said as she pulled the roast joint out of the cooling oven and poured the juices into a saucepan for the gravy.

Jamie got down from his stool and picked me up off mine, kissing my temple as he slid me down his body to my feet. My unsteady legs wobbling slightly as his lips pressed onto mine so quickly that you would’ve missed it if you weren’t looking.

Willow’s and Dorian’s giggles filled the air as Jamie wandered outside to sit with his dad. I watched for a while as the pair of them talked and smoked.

“Oh wow, are you drooling?” Dorian smiled as she handed me one lot of cutlery.

“Shut up.”

“Hey, I think it’s cute.” She shrugged as she walked back to the cutlery drawer and started counting serving spoons.

Jamie’s eyes met mine and his lips stretched into a wide smile. My heart squeezed in response as I started laying the cutlery by the place settings on the kitchen table. I’d had dinner at this table so many times before. Countless times from when we were kids to when Jamie was in the states to today. But today, it felt different. Not in a bad way, just a different way. It was strange because I thought I’d feel a little self-conscious, but actually I just felt all warm and fuzzy. Even with all the prying, I felt at ease and at home like I always had. The only difference was that the air crackled with joy and giddiness, and not just around me and Jamie, but everyone.

And every time I thought about it, I relived The Kiss. That kiss was better than any I had ever had. It was even better than the first kiss he’d given me and somehow I knew that it had nothing on all the other kisses that were to come.

Jamie spent the next two days monitoring Jack. If he wasn’t in surgery, he was researching new techniques to try and remove what was left of the tumour. With Pippa still at Richard’s, I sat with him for hours going over everything with a fine toothcomb.

Although the little boy had woken up from the surgery he could barely open his eyes and one side of his mouth was drooped almost like he’d had a stroke. His parents had agreed to keep him sedated, in an induced coma. Jamie had said that the weakness in his face was a side effect of where the rest of the tumour was sitting. He hadn’t said anything else, but from his notes and the techniques he was researching I knew that it wasn’t just the tumour anymore. There had to be something else. From what I could gather there was damage from the pressure of the mass.

In true Jamie fashion, he hadn’t made it home either of the past two nights. He’d come straight to the hospital after dinner at his parents and I knew that he’d spent every night since either in one of the on-call rooms or in his office. I could sense he was waiting for something to give, and by the way his anxiety was flaring I knew it wasn’t something good.

I should’ve spent Sunday sat on my parents’ sofa watching pointless television and gorging on sugar with my mother. But instead I was sat at his desk, across from him just like today, trying to find information on another particular method that was so ancient, no one seemed to know how it worked anymore. It beat me why he felt that it would help, but there was always a method behind his madness. That was the reason he was as brilliant as he was.

He rounded his desk and spun my chair to face him. My heart squeezed as I took him in, he looked tired and frustration pulled at his normally laid-back smile. He kissed the top of my head as he crouched in front of me and whispered a soft and simple, “Thank you.”

“For what?” I smiled at him.

His eyes left me and focused on the open books and files littering his desk. “Everything. This.”

“Jamie, you don’t need to thank me. You know that.”

“I know, but still.” His sigh was long and weary as he directed his drained blue gaze back to me.

“At some point you’re going to have to go home and sleep in an actual bed.” I fixed the collar of his stark white shirt. “When do you have Molly again?”

“Friday.”

“You have two days left to obsess over this and two days to rest and get yourself together so that you can enjoy your time with her.”

He smiled as he stood in front of me with his hands on his hips. His hair a mess and his usual stubble more of a short beard. I liked it. It fuelled my already overactive imagination. I loved the rough feel of it under my fingertips and on my skin when we kissed. And I couldn’t help but imagine what it would feel like on other more sensitive parts of my body.

“I’m taking Pippa to the Natural History Museum on Sunday after Mass and then we’re going to see what’s on at the cinema. It’s my last day off that falls on the weekend for a few weeks so I want to make it fun.”

“Sounds good. We’ll be there.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me up to him.

I squirmed and giggled as he poked the ticklish spot on my waist. “I didn’t invite you.”

“So?” He asked as he kissed behind my ear.

“It’s rude to invite yourself along.”

“You shouldn’t have told me your plans then.” He tilted my head back with his thumbs and kissed his way down my throat.

His touches had grown more and more intimate over the last few days. Since our kiss. Every time he touched me was with a new edge to his need and want. His fingers inching closer to places he’d never touched before, and my body ached and begged for more. But I was scared to ask him for it, I’d done it once and he’d refused. I don’t think I could’ve taken another rejection from him.

“Not unless you wanted me to come.” He finished as his lips trailed back up my neck to my lips.

I could feel the butterflies in my stomach wake and flutter as my knees wobbled.

“You can’t do this in front of the girls.” I stroked his beard. “Whatever this is, it’ll confuse things for them.”

“I know.” He sighed as he wrapped his arms around my waist. “I should probably ask you out or something.”

“Ask me out? What? Like a date?” My heart squeezed with excitement.

“I don’t know,” he touched his forehead to mine. “It feels like we’re beyond that, but at the same time—”

“We can call it dinner and drinks, and whatever happens after that…happens.” I shrugged and teased a soft kiss on his lips.

“Is that a proposition?” His gaze locked on mine.

I bit down on my lip a tinge of bashfulness warming my cheeks, “You bet.”

“Quincy Elizabeth Cavendish, are you trying to seduce me?”

“Who says I’m trying?” I hooked a finger in the opening of his shirt and flattened my other hand on the small of his back. “I’ve waited so long for this.”

I kissed my way up his neck to his ear.

“I don’t care about dating, Jamie. I know you better than I know myself. I’ve known you all my life. I’ve watched you grow from the boy who gave me my first proper kiss to this amazingly talented and caring man.” I walked him backwards to his desk and stood between his legs as he sat on the edge.

His gaze searched my face like he was analysing my thoughts. The truth was that I wasn’t a dating kind of girl. I didn’t need a man to preen and put on a show to convince me to be with him. I would much rather have honesty and loyalty.

Does that even make sense? Aren’t women supposed to want all the pomp and ceremony?

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and twisted my fingers into his hair.

“If you were thinking I want to be wined and dined, you should know that we aren’t just beyond that, it’s nowhere near enough anymore. I’ve shared more food and drink with you than anyone else. I want more than that. A lot more.”

And in case he didn’t understand how much more, I kissed him hard and deep, because I needed him to know exactly where I was at. I didn’t want him to handle me with kid gloves. He’d already been doing that for a very long time.

He reached behind his neck and grabbed both of my wrists in his hands. He threaded his fingers through mine as he kept our hands between our chests. He pulled back, away from me. He sighed and shifted backwards on the desk so that he was sitting ram-rod straight. And then he looked everywhere except at me as he adjusted himself. The loss of that connection stung me. Maybe I’d pushed him too far?

His divorce had only come through a little over a month ago.

What were you thinking?

He was still clearly upset over everything with Jenna and Richard. He was hurting over not being able to be with his daughter every day.

Why the fuck did you throw yourself at him like some brazen hussy?

I could feel the sting behind my eyes turn into hot, embarrassed tears.

Christ, give the man a chance.

Even my thoughts were mocking me.

Maybe the whole thing had been a mistake? A lapse of judgement?

“What’s wrong, Quincy?” He brought my hands flush to his chest and caressed my cheek. “Why are you crying?”

“I’m not.” I replied my voice a watery whimper.

He raised his brows, looking at me like I was cuckoo. Great.

“What just happened? Did I miss something?” His eyes rounded in panic. “Did I do something wrong?”

My throat felt so choked I couldn’t even get words out. I just sniffed and shook my head.

Well, if I hadn’t already scared him off the least I could do was repulse him too.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t…” I focused on one of his research books on the desk, “I didn’t mean to…I know everything is a mess, I just—”

“Hey,” He tilted my face up to his. I could feel my stupid tears running down the sides of my face and into my ears. “Let’s be clear about something.”

He kissed the tip of my nose and wiped the wet trails from my flushed skin with his thumbs.

“Just so you know.” He pulled the hem of my silk, cream shirt out of my blue trousers and inched his hands up to my waist. “I am going to wine and dine you. I’m going to date you, because regardless of how instinctually we know each other, you deserve it.”

His hands met behind my back before he slipped them into the top of my trousers. He worked them all the way down so he could grab a butt cheek in each hand.

He’d only ever touched me like that once before. Shit, my skin felt like it was bubbling and popping with the heat spreading through it.

I couldn’t thread the words to argue with him if I tried. He squeezed and kneaded my flesh with his hands. Bringing me even closer to him as his touch got heavier and purposeful.

“I’m desperate to get inside you, Quincy, but first I need to romance you.” He whispered roughly in my ear as my hands fell to his thighs.

“I don’t care about any of that. Your divorce—”

“I. Care.” His blue eyes were dark and smouldering. “It’s been two years, and even before that…”

“Don’t Jamie.” My voice was breathy and desperate.

“Don’t what? Be honest?”

“Don’t say something you can’t take back.”

“Like what?”

“You know.”

“You’re right, I do know. I know that all I’ve thought about the last six years is you. I’ve wanted to do nothing more than take care of you and…” He looked me square in the eyes and swallowed like he was stopping himself from saying something more. Then he continued, “And if I hadn’t allowed my guilt for wanting you more than I wanted my wife to eat at me. If I hadn’t let it guilt trip me into giving Jenna the baby she begged me for, we wouldn’t be having this conversation today.”

“We wouldn’t?”

“We would’ve had a very different and less complicated conversation a very long time ago.” His thumbs traced the top of my bum cheeks as they ran over the edge of my black lace knickers and my feverish skin.

“Do you know what people are going to say? What they’re going to think of us?”

“Do I look like I give a flying fuck about what people say or think about me? We didn’t get where we are because we gave a shit about gossip or appearances, Quincy.”

“I know, and you can say that now but when people start talking and it gets hard and—”

“I don’t do easy, I never have. And FYI I like it hard.” He laughed as he nuzzled my neck.

“That’s a shame because I feel quite easy when it comes to you.” I slipped my hand into the top of his dark grey suit trousers. The back of my fingers skimming his erection before I closed my hands around his black leather belt.

“That works out well for both of us then.” He squeezed my arse so hard it felt like his fingers were under my skin. “This is never going to be just about sex. Otherwise I would’ve already been inside you more times than you can even imagine...and I know you’ve imagined it.” He licked up the side of my neck to my ear before he sucked the lobe into his mouth and bit down.

Oh. My. Good. Fucking. God.

He may as well have had his tongue in between my legs.

“Jamie.” I moaned as he nipped and licked the skin behind my ear.

“What?”

I shivered, my skin covered in goose bumps as his hot breath cooled on my moist skin.

“If you’re not going to fuck me right now you need to stop torturing me.” I rasped as the edge of his belt cut into my palms.

“I want to, Quincy.” He hooked his thumbs over the elastic of my knickers and twisted them. The damp fabric rubbing and pressing against my pussy.

I couldn’t help but gasp as heat ran all the way from the top of my head and the tips of my curled toes crashing like duelling tidal waves at my core.

“I want to pull these down around your thighs, bend you over my desk and bury myself in you.”

Fucking breathe, Quincy. Use your freaking lungs.

“Just do it, Jamie, please.”

“Not here, Quincy.” He slipped his hands out of my trousers and cupped my face. “The first time I fuck you, I want to hear you.”

Jamie

“Seriously Willow. I hate you sometimes.” Probably wasn’t the best way to get my sister to take me seriously. Honestly? I was pretty sure she was incapable of taking anything seriously. Including my desperate need to plan a perfect date.

Date. Date?

Dating seemed so juvenile. I hadn’t even really dated Jenna, in hindsight that should’ve said a lot about the future of our relationship.

I don’t know, dating just seemed like what unsure people did. And I was one-hundred percent sure that I did not want to mess things up with Quincy.

What if it doesn’t work out though?

Things would become awkward. She’d probably not want anything else to do with me. I would’ve lost her and my goddaughter on top of everything else.

Shit, what the fuck are you thinking?

What the fuck was I thinking?

“What am I doing?”

“You’re not even listening to me, are you?” My sister snapped down the phone. “Why are you freaking out?”

“I’m going to fuck this up and then—”

“Okay, Mr. Smart Guy. Take a breath and just relax.” She sang half mockingly and half soothingly. “You two have been sniffing around each other forever. It’s sickening really. How can two people complicate things so badly before they actually realise that they want the same thing?”

“I should’ve called Dorian.”

“Maybe, but she’d just tell you that if you hurt Quincy, she’ll kill you. In case you’re wondering? She actually said that after Quincy called freaking out about your whatever it is you guys actually are. Their words, not mine. Anyway, point is James, that you’re both freaking out about nothing and acting like absolute morons. So, if I were you I’d do something low key and sweet. Maybe turn both of your phones off and just enjoy some good one on one.”

“What? Like dinner and the cinema?”

“You’re thirty-fucking-six not sixteen.”

“Then what?” I was beginning to get irate and frustrated at her mocking nonchalance.

“It’s Quincy, Jamie. What do you know she likes?”

“Cheesy 80s music, lovey dovey films, Galaxy chocolate and red wine?”

“There you go.” Her voice softened.

“So where do I take her?”

“You have a home, do you not?”

“I don’t want her to think that—”

“Something tells me that she wouldn’t mind if that was what you were thinking.” She cleared her throat and muttered, “We are never talking or hinting at the dirty again. I do not need that in my head.”

“Got it. Thanks.” I could feel my face heating.

She had no idea of the things I actually wanted to do to her best friend. My best friend. To Quincy.

“Go chop some offal, or whatever gruesome gory thing it is you do Mr. Neurosurgeon.”

“Don’t try and sound intelligent or anything.”

“That’s your job.” She giggled. And I could imagine her rolling her eyes on an emphatic shrug. “I love you, stop overthinking, just go with it. She already loves you, God only knows why.”

Love?

Loves?

Don’t go there. Do not go there yet.

I couldn’t think about that. Just the word made my heart race, in a completely insane and sunshine kind of way. But we were both freaking out, so I’d say the love thought was something that could wait for a while.

Although, I knew I loved her. But love was complicated and we were complicated enough as it was.

But Quincy was that person. She was the one that told me when I needed to get my head out of my arse, or when I needed to look at things differently. She knew how to point things out without making someone feel like shit. She made even the crappiest of days okay. Maybe she wasn’t perfect, but she was the closest thing to it for me.

I thought I’d known everything there was to know about her, but that conversation three days ago had my jaw dropping. She’d never been one to beat around the bush, but I had no idea she’d be like that when it came to what she wanted outside of her career or Pippa. She’d always been so quiet and bashful. Even that first time I’d kissed her, behind her hormonal bravado, she’d been shy and tentative—which was why I couldn’t have taken it farther even if I’d wanted to. Which I did.

I really did, but I’d felt bad enough about being the one to give her that first kiss and then fly off. Even if it had been the best fucking kiss I’d ever had…probably up until last weekend. Then that kiss…holy fuck. How I didn’t strip her down and fuck her right there and then I had no clue. Not only was she intelligent and sassy, but despite her obvious sadness she was quite literally sex on legs. Long, toned and perfect legs.

That’s why she constantly left people awestruck, they just never imagined everything that was behind the beautiful, sweet and soft exterior.

“Willow?”

“Yes?”

“The tickets for your show? I need two.”

“She’s already got her own.”

“I meant for me and Molly. Is she taking Pippa?”

“Well, no. I don’t think so.”

“Get me three and make sure they’re all together?”

“I’ll do you better and get a box with all the trimmings in it.”

“The girls will love that. Thanks.”

“You’ll just need to give them your name at the ticket kiosk.”

“Okay.”

“Jamie?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t go crazy, she’s not the go big type.”

“I won’t, thanks.”

“Ok, well…hasta la vista bruder!” She chimed.

“You know that wasn’t one language, don’t you?”

“I like Sperman.”

“What?”

“Spanish and German.”

“That sounds a lot more bodily fluidy and nothing at all linguistic. You really are a strange one, Moomin.”

“I thought you’d forgotten.”

“That’d be impossible, Willow, the hours I sat watching that bloody show because of you, believe me, it’s something I’ll never forget.”

“You loved it.”

“Debatable and not at all. Thanks again, I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, bye. Adios amigo!”

She was exhausting. She was like a Duracell bunny, constantly on the go. Non-stop. Having a phone conversation with her was more tiring than supervising a group of six-year olds on a playdate.

I tucked my phone into my lab coat pocket, picked up the stethoscope on my desk and headed out for my morning rounds. I had a meeting scheduled this afternoon with one of the Neurosurgeons I’d studied under to discuss the toddler’s case.

I didn’t even know he was visiting from the US until he replied to my email asking whether he could come in and see the boy for himself. Take a look at the physical scans and maybe get a fresh one done.

He’d been one of the hardest people to learn from, he knew exactly what buttons to push to make you want to do more and be more and learn more. Within the first two weeks most of the other students had moved to other programmes or asked for a different mentor. I liked him, even if he had made me into his student bitch. It’d all been a part of my learning curve. He’d helped me become the surgeon I was.

It took a little over two hours to get through all twenty-three patients on my list. Thankfully the majority were adults in recovery wards. I only had three patients in the Intensive Care and High Dependency Units. Technically all of them should’ve been in the HDU, but I wanted the Davies boy monitored 24/7 with one-on-one care. So, he’d been allocated to the Paed’s ICU. I could sense that I’d ruffled some feathers with that demand, but then again what was the point of being a big shot if I didn’t pull rank once in a while?

I walked into PICU with one of the students spewing a recap of the case behind me. I actually just wanted to tell him to shut the hell up because he sounded more like he was regurgitating than thinking about the case and hopefully taking the initiative to come up with a suggestion on how to move forward. Not, that he’d have a hope on God’s green earth of coming up with something I hadn’t looked at already or that Quincy hadn’t brought to my attention.

I rounded the corner to the glass walled room and it was like the mere thought of her was enough to make her materialise. She sat in the recliner next to the bed still in her scrubs, her feet tucked under her and a book in her hands that I recognised as Pippa’s favourite. The Twits.

I had read that book more times than I could remember. It used to be Phillip’s favourite. He always carried his battered copy with him everywhere he went. He said when shit got real he liked to open it up and lose himself in make believe and thoughts of when he knew nothing but the fun and wonder of the world. When his belongings had been sent back with what was left of him Gwen had given it to my sister so she could give their son a little piece of his dad.

I never understood why she let him go off into Africa when she was pregnant with his child. But I suppose it wasn’t my place to understand it either.

I turned to the three trainees behind me and shushed the still jabbering wreck. I felt sorry for him, I did, but I still had moments where my fists were too attracted to his baby face.

Picture the nerdiest guy you’ve ever seen and then times that by…a thousand and then add another ten or twenty on top for good measure and add a generous amount of unwarranted arrogance. That was the little prick currently eyeballing Quincy like he was the cat and she was the cream.

“There’s nothing new with this patient. You all have things to get on with. Murphy, chase the labs for Mr. Rowley. You,” I looked at Mr. All-Talk-No-Substance. “You need to actually take in what’s in those files. So, I suggest you find somewhere to sit and go through them like you actually want to help those people. And by somewhere I mean far away from here.”

All three of my musketeers scurried off. I hadn’t wanted to be harsh, but if he wasn’t there to learn and help people he had no place with me. Sometimes all the freshies needed was a little poke to get their initiative flowing. I hoped that it was enough for this guy. Although, if I had to let that disciple go, I would. Without hesitation.

I stood behind the glass with St. Ermin’s crest etched all over it, watching as Quincy read the story to the little boy like he wasn’t in an induced coma. She was so serene and the way she looked him over every time she turned a page made me smile.

I knew she’d argue with me if I ever pointed it out, she didn’t like to admit it, but she always got attached to the more volatile cases. It was like she wanted to make sure that they could feel how special and cared for they were.

I smiled as she glanced first at the sliding glass door and then straight at me through the glass. It was like she could sense I was watching her.

I slid the door open just enough to slip into the room.

“Don’t you think he’s a little too young for that one?” I walked over to where she was sitting and swept her long fringe out of her eyes.

“You’re never too young for this lunacy.” She waved the book in the air, her thumb marking the page she was on. “Anything new?”

“No. The steroids are working, the scans from yesterday show that the swelling has gone down slightly.”

“I saw that you’ve put him on Carbatrol. Why haven’t you brought him round?”

“Reading the notes?”

“More like making sure you’re on the ball, he’s my patient too.” She teased.

“Honestly? At this point another seizure would do irreparable damage, I can’t take that risk.” I sat on the not so comfortable chair next to hers. “They really need to put some decent chairs in these rooms.”

She turned to me with all signs of her teasing gone. “You can’t, or you won’t?”

“Both. I won’t because I need a chance to fix this, and I can’t because I don’t believe that bringing him out of the coma is in his best interest. Neither his heart nor his brain can take anymore.”

“You’re letting yourself become emotionally attached to him, Jamie.”

“And you’re not?” I pointed at the book in her hand.

“I’m not the lead on this.”

“Fine. What would you do if you were?”

“Well, if I was a brain god I would do exactly what you’re doing.” She smiled. “And as a heart surgeon, I agree that his heart won’t be able to cope with any more trauma. He’s lucky enough as it is.”

“So what was the point—”

“I just want you to keep the bigger picture in mind.” She shrugged as she picked up my hand and kissed my knuckles. “I just want to make sure you look at things objectively.”

“I’m trying.”

“You always do, Jamie, but once in a while it doesn’t hurt to be reminded.”

We both looked up as the boy’s parents walked in. Mrs. Davies’ eyes dropping to where my hand rested on Quincy’s leg and I jerked it away instantly.

“Mr. Anson, is everything okay?” She asked as she walked over to the opposite side of her son’s bed.

I stood and Quincy followed suit. “We’re going to be doing the scans a little later today. I have a colleague coming to consult with me. He’s a Paediatric Neurology Specialist, I’m hoping that he’ll be able to find a different angle. Something I haven’t.”

“Do you think that’s a real possibility?” Her husband asked as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “We just want to know either way. We want to be prepared for whatever happens.”

“There’s always a possibility someone with fresh eyes can see something we haven’t.”

“I thought you were the best. You said you were the best.” His wife sobbed, her hands wrapped around her son’s tiny hand.

“I am one of the best Neurosurgeons, but Doctor Weller has devoted most of his career to Paediatrics. He knows the ins and outs of a child’s brain like no one I’ve ever known.”

“And if he doesn’t find anything different?”

Well, shit a brick. What if he doesn’t?

I looked the little boy’s father in the eyes as I replied, “Then I’ll keep looking for another way.”

“What are our chances of ever leaving this place with our son?” His strangled voice was enough to make every fraternal bone in my body ache and wince.

“I’m not going to lie to you Mr. Davies, right now the chances of your son making it through this with a clean bill are next to none. If he makes it through. But, what you have to understand is that things can change in a blink of an eye. There’s always a possibility.”

“My son’s going to die, isn’t he?”

I felt Quincy tense next to me before she said, “We can’t answer that either way. We can tell you to prepare for both scenarios and we can ask you to remain positive. To trust us. The reality is that waiting made the situation more precarious. The damage is no longer just to his brain.”

“So it’s our fault?”

Shit. Not where we wanted this conversation to go.

“What Ms. Cavendish is saying is that the aggressiveness of the tumour has made it difficult for us to determine either outcome.”

“But we waited until the last minute to let you help our son, and that other Doctor, he was going to send us home.”

“Mr. Cooper followed protocol. He’s a trauma consultant, not a Neuro specialist.” I heard Quincy’s quiet gasp as I felt her gaze boring into me. “Why don’t we wait until Doctor Weller has had a look at everything before we panic? I’ve got a couple of other patients to see, but as soon as he gets here I’ll let you know.”

I walked out of the room and Quincy followed. I knew exactly what was going to happen even before it did, because if anything she was like a dog with a bone. There were certain things that she would not let go of or look past. I pressed the button for the lift as I told one of the nurses to stay close to Jack’s room.

Quincy turned her whole body toward me and took a deep breath. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“You know what, Jamie!” She whisper shouted. “Don’t play dumb with me.”

“It’s in the notes.” I snapped. “What the fuck were you thinking with the waiting comment?”

“What was I thinking?” She faced the lift as it pinged its arrival and followed me in. “What was I thinking? I was thinking that if they wanted to blame anyone they should blame themselves for not letting you treat their son sooner. She blames you, Jamie.”

“And?”

She twisted to face me and stood right in front of me. So close I could feel her exasperated breaths. “You’re not at blame. Please tell me you know that. Promise me you understand.”

“I do, Quincy, but I was remaining objective. Remember?” I sighed as I cupped her face, tilting it up to mine. “I know you were trying to protect me. I love that, but you need to put your claws away from now on. I get that the situation with the parents upsets you, but it isn’t about you. Tell me you understand that.”

She nodded as her eyes rimmed with shining tears. “He’s going to die.”

“Maybe. Probably. But, that positivity you mentioned, have some. We need all we can get.” I traced her bottom lip with my thumb before I gave her a soft kiss.

Her sigh seeping between my lips.

“I was thinking that on Monday you could come over to my place and we could have that date?”

“I’d love to, but I have Pippa.”

“I know, I’ve already spoken to Gwen and she said she’ll stay the night.”

“The night?” I felt her perk up as a smile stretched across her face.

“Well, I thought we could watch a movie and have some food and wine…you don’t have to spend the night. We don’t have to do anything on that front.” I tugged her to me and kissed the top of her head before the lift doors opened and I let her go.

“I’d like that.” She smiled as she turned and walked in the opposite direction to me.

Quincy

I never minded Mondays, probably because it was just another day. It usually wasn’t the first day in my week, so I didn’t have that common grudge others had. Except that I’d started my impromptu shift at seven thirty this morning after one of the other consultants called in sick.

I’d had a pep in my step and way too many butterflies in my stomach with mine and Jamie’s date tonight. I’d been so looking forward to it…until I got called into theatre four hours ago when I was meant to be getting in a cab to his house. He’d been so great about me cancelling. I thought he’d at least sound disappointed. I thought he’d been as excited as I was after yesterday.

Yesterday had been the most amazing and frustrating day ever. We’d taken both of the girls out for brunch at some over the top hipster place where Jamie managed to get a table because he was friends with the owner’s brother. The girls loved their fancy pancakes, seeds and all, and even though I was normally happy to stick with the high street coffee shops or the little cafés everyone seemed to forget about, I was still drooling over them too. It’d been a little colder than usual for early November with sporadic rain spells, so we ended up spending the best part of our afternoon waltzing around the Natural History Museum. I’m not quite sure who loved it the most—Jamie or the girls? I actually think that their favourite part was the shop, with the whale exhibition a close second.

By the time we’d made it out of the museum the girls were so tired that when we’d offered to take them to the cinema, it’d been a resounding “next time”. Both Pippa and Molly had fallen asleep the moment we got in the cab home. It’d been one of the best days I’d had in a long time. Even though we often took the girls out together, it’d felt different knowing what was happening between us. We may not have openly held hands or kissed or done any of the normal things that other people did on dates, but the small stolen moments we’d had were us. They were perfect for us.

With yesterday and the high that I’d been on before I rushed in to theatre on a trauma call, I was left shattered to the point I couldn’t even sign my name straight. I’d just about managed to keep it together as I sat with the young girl’s parents. Explaining that everything that could’ve gone wrong had gone wrong for their child was painful and unfair. It made me angry because as her mother sat there with her arm in a sling and a few butterfly stitches above her eye, her daughter’s little body was laying on a theatre table cut, battered and shattered, waiting to be cleaned up and bagged.

I’d thought about going home, but I didn’t even have the energy to last the whole taxi ride there. So, I settled on one of the on-call rooms, the one that I always ended up in with its small bed and barely enough room to move. I checked my phone as I walked over and set it on loud again, just in case I fell into a deep sleep. I did not want to miss a page, especially considering how badly my surgery had gone. I should’ve known it was a bust, but instead I kept going, trying to plug every hole I could along with the vascular surgeon. Even though every time we did, we found another one. I couldn’t help but wonder what the car looked like and how her mother had been spared.

I opened the door and locked it behind me. I just about stopped myself from screeching when I turned around and Jamie was sat on the edge of the bed.

“Jesus, you frightened the life out of me.” I leaned on the door, trying to hold myself up. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, since you couldn’t make it to our date, I thought I’d bring it to you.” It was only when he gestured next to him that I saw his laptop and two wine glasses and a bottle of Appletizer next to it. “It’s not the amazing wine that your mum spent hours helping me pick, but I figured you’d love fizzy apple juice almost as much.”

My heart squeezed in my chest as his eyes ran over me from head to toe. His face softening as he searched mine.

“What if I’d gone home?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t think that far ahead.”

“What if I’d used one of the other rooms and some other poor unexpecting person walked in?”

“No one else likes this room, in fact, I don’t think anyone else uses it.”

“That’s why I like it. It’s probably one of the only beds that no one has used for anything other than sleeping.”

“I don’t know; people can be resourceful…”

“Can they now?” I couldn’t help but smile at the face he pulled.

I looked around him again and I was completely taken aback. No one had ever done something like this for me. It was so sweet and unexpected. I pushed myself off the door and walked over to the bed where I plopped down next to him. He wrapped his arm around me and cuddled me into him.

“Hard night?” He kissed the top of my head.

“Until now.” I threaded my fingers through his and pulled his arm tighter around me. “Thank you.”

“You haven’t seen everything yet.” He reached forward and picked up his leather duffel bag. “Turns out your mum was right about having a contingency in place in case you didn’t make it.”

He opened it and took out the biggest bar of chocolate I’d ever been that close to and put it on my lap before he dropped the bag back down on the floor and pulled me onto his lap.

“There’re other things in there, but I think this is what you need right now.” He tore open the chocolate, broke a piece and fed it to me. “If you want to talk, I’m here for that too.”

I’d never had a problem talking to him before. I’d never had a problem showing him how crappy I was feeling, and yet all of a sudden it felt like I couldn’t get anything out. It was like I didn’t want to spoil all the good he’d done for me.

“This will change things, I know that. But, it’ll never change the way you can talk to me or rely on me...turn to me. If anything, it just means that I can be there for you in every way you need.”

He shuffled up on the bed, taking me with him and sat me between his legs as he poured some juice into our plastic wine goblets. He fiddled around with his laptop until the familiar music came on.

“I know how much you love this film.”

It shouldn’t have made me cry, but it was like there were so many good feelings filling me that I had to let go of the shitty ones. I expected him to hound me with questions, but he just held me tighter. Like he always had. Jamie had never pried or forced me to tell him anything, he’d just held me and waited until I was ready to let it out.

I shut his laptop and nuzzled into his neck. “I called it tonight.”

“You’ve called it before.”

“I know, but it just felt different.”

“It wasn’t, sweetheart.” He pulled my hair out of its ponytail and combed through the knotted lengths with his fingers.

“This little girl, Jamie,” I played with the watch on his wrist, “She stood no chance. She was a broken, battered mess. Every time Chloe and I fixed one thing, another would go wrong. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. She fought so hard for so long and then she was done, and I couldn’t get her back. I tried everything. Every single thing, and nothing worked.”

“Let it go.” He turned me around to face him so that I was kneeling between his thighs. “You can’t save everyone that comes through those doors. It’s impossible.”

“I know.”

“Do you? Really?”

I swiped my hands down my face, clearing up all the over-emotional tears. “I’m sorry I messed up our plans.”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” He smiled. “You didn’t mess anything up, you did what you had to do, baby.”

Baby.

I nodded and reached for the chocolate beside us, a smile creeping onto my face. “This is a lot of chocolate.”

“Meh, just keeping you sweet.”

“So, Steel Magnolias?”

“Probably not the best choice for tonight, but I’ve sat through it with you so many times already that I figured it wouldn’t matter if we missed parts of it.”

“It’s still my favourite. I love Ouiser, she reminds me of my nan.”

“Batshit Lizzie?”

“Don’t call her that!”

He laughed as he put the chocolate on the bedside table next to his laptop and handed me a drink. “Well, cheers to our first date.”

“Cheers.” I touched my cup to his and took a sip of the sweet juice. “Thank you for thinking of me.”

“You wouldn’t be thanking me if you knew my thoughts.”

I felt the instant blushing heat creep up my neck to my cheeks. His thoughts were probably very similar to mine. A lot of touching and not too many clothes. If any. Preferably none.

“Don’t tease me, not tonight. I’m too tired to guarantee that I won’t become a blubbering mess again.”

“Well, how about we get some rest? We’re back on in a few hours.” He laid me next to him by the wall and stood before he pulled my shoes off and covered me with the hospital standard white cellular blanket. He took his shoes off and slipped in behind me pulling me flush to his body as his arms wrapped around me.

“This probably wasn’t how you imagined our first time sharing a bed together.”

“I like it.” He kissed my neck and slipped his hand under my top as he cupped the underside of my breast.

I wiggled my bum into his groin, feeling his semi pressed against me. It was like I’d downed enough caffeine to wake the dead, because suddenly I didn’t feel one bit tired. All I could feel was my body instinctively press impossibly closer to his and all the blood simmering in my veins. His thumb tracing the lace covering my underboob. I laid my hand over his and cupped my breast with them, squeezing gently as he moaned into my ear. His other hand flattened over by belly and pressed my butt tighter against his hard cock.

“Quincy, you just told me not to tease you.” He breathed into my ear.

“And I don’t want you to tease me, Jamie.” I rubbed my butt up and down his groin.

He rolled me onto my back and covered me with his body. His lips assaulting mine in a feverish kiss as one of his hands slid down between our bodies and cupped my pussy.

“Then what do you want?” He murmured as he kissed his way down my neck.

“You.” I breathed as my hands knotted in his hair. “Please.”

Did I just really squeak?

I don’t quite know how it happened, but one minute I was clothed and the next I was in just my underwear, beneath him. I ran my hands up his chest beneath his navy Henley t-shirt. His skin was as soft as the muscles under it were hard. The hand cupping my jaw moved down my neck as he kissed his way down my temple and cheek to my neck. My breathing becoming as erratic as my heartbeat.

“I won’t fuck you in this bed.” He said as he worked his way down my body, his tongue licking down the valley between my breasts as he pushed them together.

“Why?”

“Because you’re better than that, and quite frankly, I want to hear every single one of your moans.” He licked my nipple over the lace as I wrapped my legs around his waist. “Unless you want everyone to know what we’re doing in here, it’s not happening.”

He cupped my breast in the V of his thumb and finger and bit down on my nipple. His other hand muffled my loud moan as I sunk my teeth into the fleshy part of his palm.

He rolled onto his back and pulled me on top of him. I straddled his hips, the fabric of his jeans rubbing the sensitive skin of my thighs. His hot shaft teasing my pussy as he yanked down the lacy cup of my bra, exposing the pebbled tip. His bright blue eyes widened, like he was in awe and his tongue licked across his lower lip before he sucked it into his mouth.

Jesus fuck. Oh, my sweet, sweet lord.

I’d imagined moments like this, but imagination Jamie was nowhere near as sexy as here and now Jamie. Just the sight of him was making me wetter and needier. He sat up as he pulled my chest closer, teasing and licking my nipple until I had to bite down on my lip to stop myself from crying out.

Holy freaking cherry on a banana split sundae.

“We can’t go back from this, Quincy,” he whispered into my chest, right where my heart was beating. His hands splayed on my back as he held me tight. “I won’t be able to be around you and not touch you.”

“I’ll never want to go back.” I murmured into his hair as I held him to me. “I need you too much to let you go, Jamie.”

That was the truth. This thing between us wasn’t a matter of want, it was a burning need. I needed him more than anything. This man had been with me through all my life, and I hadn’t understood what that meant until he took it upon himself to stitch me back together with every one of his touches. With every single one of his embraces. With every tear of mine he’d caught with his fingers and the ones he’d let slip because that was what I needed. He’d loved me when I wasn’t his to love and when he had no right to love me. Yet he’d never demanded anything in return.

I wrapped my arms around him as I kissed him softly and deeply. His arms held me tight like they were made for just that sole purpose. His hands cupped my shoulders and pushed me down on his lap. It all clicked. Finally.

Our tongues twisted together as his mouth worshipped mine. It was the most perfect of all the imperfect moments we’d shared. There was absolutely nothing between our hearts or souls.

It was just me and him.

Us.

No background noise.

No pressure.

No regrets.

No mistakes.

No lies.

Just us.

I touched my forehead to his. He closed his eyes like he was overwhelmed, like there was so much more being said than just the words on the tips of our tongues.

He was the most incredible thing I’d ever seen. His touch the most beautiful I’d ever felt. He opened his eyes as I cupped his perfectly chiselled and stubbled jaw and as I pulled away slightly his eyes searched my face like he couldn’t fathom the tiniest space between us. He gasped as I brought my lips a breadth away from his and told him, “I just need you to hold me like this forever.”

“I promise.” He tightened his arms around me and laid back down with me on his chest.

I could hear his heart hammering so hard in the crook of his neck that I could feel it on my chest. Yet he was so utterly and completely at peace just as I was. He adjusted my bra and pulled the blanket tightly around us, his fingers stroked my hair as mine dug into the taught muscles on his back until we fell asleep.

Jamie

My mind was in a lot of places. It was everywhere except where it should’ve been. I’d never known my rounds to take so long. It was like every organ in my body was vibrating and pulsing with the need to be where she was. And I knew where she would be, because she’d been there almost every single day. I could picture her in scrubs as she sat in the chair by the kid’s bed with the old book in her hands. I hoped with every one of my hammering heartbeats that she’d be there again as I got in the lift to the fifth floor, flocked by my students. I knew Raj was going to meet me there with Doctor Weller to discuss the next step we were considering. It’d taken over forty-eight hours to get a temporary licence, allowing the old boy to do more than listen in. It was ridiculous considering how much of a trailblazer he was in Paediatric Neurology. The guy was a god. End of.

I managed to steal a moment with Quincy before the pandemonium started. I had to give it to her, she had those parents wrapped around her finger. Maybe the boy’s mother could sense that Quincy knew what she was feeling. I don’t know, but she was the only person that they felt confident enough with to leave their son’s side. I thought that after her little outburst they’d be wary of her, but it was like her honesty had made them love her even more. Me? They still weren’t sure of. Funny, because I was the one that had their son’s life in his hands.

She didn’t say much or hang around until the parents got back. Instead she put the book back on the bedside table and left. Maybe it was because we weren’t alone, or because of what had happened last night. I’d been so close to giving in, but it was like the moment had become too much. It was too much to feel. Too much to take in. To understand. It felt like every single touch we’d shared over the years had built up and we’d had no choice but to just be and bask in it. Things hadn’t changed. I thought they would, but they hadn’t. They just clicked.

After all the years we’d orbited around each other. After everything that had happened. We’d finally found our moment.

It was our time.

And as her hand brushed mine as she walked out, the fiery look in her eyes felt like the electric current running between us was consuming her as much as it was consuming me.

It was like the first few minutes when you breathe through an oxygen mask, heady and overwhelming. It makes you lightheaded but at the same time it makes every one of your extremities buzz with the rush of air through your blood. It was a chemical and natural unavoidable reaction.

After the consult with Wilson there was no way I could hang around the hospital. My shift was at an end anyway, so I headed home. I’d been sat on the sofa with my iPad on my lap, my eyes still glued to the scan on the screen in front of me for hours. Weller’s words on repeat in my head.

I watched as Mr and Mrs Davies listened intently to everything Wilson was telling them. Nothing I hadn’t told them. Nothing new.

“Everything that can be done is being done already. This is a waiting game.” He sighed sympathetically. “The direct treatment needs time to make a difference. He needs time.”

“How much time?” Mrs Davies whispered, her tears silently rolling down her face.

“Like I said, James has done everything that can be done for now. The treatment your son is having is already aggressive, if we do more it could have side-effects that are more detrimental than helpful to his state. Unfortunately, with this kind of tumour and with your son being so young…all we can do is wait.”

All we can do is wait.

Waiting was the one thing I’d never been good at. Nothing good ever came from waiting, not for me anyway. I was used to doing what needed to be done. But I’d gone over every angle and looked into every possible avenue for a way to help that little boy and there really was nothing more I could do because I’d been too careful, I’d closed up when I should’ve kept going. I should’ve just shaved the tumour bit by bit. But instead I’d stopped because the likelihood of it being too much for someone so little was too high. I didn’t want to lose him on my table, but in the end, I would lose him on my watch.

The writing was on the wall.

He had a few months tops, and that was if his body didn’t start shutting down from all the shit we were pumping into him just to give him one more day.

I couldn’t take the helpless feeling anymore as I sat there so I went and stood outside on the small terrace listening to the city traffic. I lit a cigarette and sucked in as much of the bitter smoke as my lungs would allow. I closed my eyes and held my breath until my head started swimming before I breathed it all back out in one slow, steady exhale. I leaned over the polished cement wall that came up just a little over my waist and looked out onto Hyde Park as the wind undressed the few leaves left on the trees. I didn’t move with the exception of lighting cigarette after cigarette to the point that my throat was sore and my chest physically ached. And still the only thing I could do was think and rethink how I could’ve done things differently to save my patient. How I could’ve done more.

I didn’t even notice her until she wrapped her arms around me, the warmth of her hands seeping into the cold hard skin of my torso. She buried her face in my shoulder and didn’t say anything. I could feel her every inhale on my back as her chest expanded and pushed against me. I could feel her every hot exhale on the exposed skin of my neck. The sensation making my skin perk up with goose bumps. I could feel my scalp prickle and the unbearable ache to touch her spread through my arms. But I didn’t lay a single finger on her, instead I lit another cigarette and let it dull my aching head once again.

She nuzzled closer, her fingers pressing so hard into my flesh that it felt like they were burrowing underneath my skin. Her short nails cut into me over my shirt and her lips pressed flush between my neck and jaw. I could feel my blood rush right under her soft warm lips and my body warmed as she breathed into my skin. Her fingers worked a button out of its hole and she slipped her hand through the gap in my shirt. Her fingers splaying as I inhaled another drag.

She lifted her face and as her lips met my ear she whispered, “I love you, Jamie.”

The cigarette fell out of my hand and bounced off the grey stone to the street below like a spinning orange flame.

My heart stopped mid beat before it started drumming hard and loud in my chest.

The concrete beneath us felt like it disappeared leaving us suspended in mid-air.

Everything paused.

And then restarted in a frenzy that had my mind, heart and limbs all out of sync. Rough. Messy. Sincere. Just like our feelings throughout all these years.

I spun so fast that her hand twisted in my shirt and buttons popped off. I expected her to be smiling, but instead she looked up at me like she was just stealing another glance. Her eyes were soft. Her lips were parted. She looked at me like she had every other time. Like that moment was like any other we’d shared. She licked across her lip before dragging her teeth over it. Her chest expanded and contracted like she was at complete ease. Nonchalant.

“What?”

She took a step closer to me. Her feet planted between mine as she stroked my face with one hand and hooked the other on the buttonless gap of my shirt.

Her eyes met mine.

So calm.

Serene.

“I love you.” She said, like it was something she’d told me every single day of our lives.

And she had. Not every day, but she’d said it so many times before, yet this time it was different. Despite her calm, her words held a deep and welcomed heavy meaning.

She loves me.

Her eyes searched my face and her brow quirked as she smiled up at me.

“You do?”

She nodded slowly and deliberately. Her thumb dragging against the stubble on my chin as her fingers stroked up and down my cheekbone.

She dropped her hand slipping it down my chest and she laced her fingers through mine before she turned around and pulled me behind her. My feet stepped one in front of the other like a well-rehearsed dance as she guided me back to the sofa and pulled me to her. I stilled savouring the feel of her hands as they swept up my arms before she wrapped them around my shoulders and spun us around. The warmth of her hands as they slid back down to my chest and pushed me down onto the sofa seeped into my every bone and muscle. Her touch was like magic, it blurred and erased all the conflict and doubt inside me.

Her sultry gaze firmly fixed on mine as she toed off her red flats and swept them aside with her foot. Her hands reached behind her neck and she fiddled around until the high collar of her navy dress sagged onto her cleavage. It was one of those moments that had been such a long time coming, yet it still felt so surreal. Something I could have never prepared for.

My hands sank into the soft cream leather of the sofa beneath me. My fingers pressing so hard that the buttery material felt like it was melting at my fingertips. I swallowed as she hitched her dress over her body revealing inch by inch her soft and creamy skin. Her dark golden hair fell in waves around her bare shoulders. The wobble of her breasts exposing her racing heart as it betrayed her outward calm.

She reached behind her back and unclasped her lacy, peach bra. And then she paused. Her beautiful bright eyes falling to her chest and then all the way down her body before they climbed up mine. I thought she’d smile because for someone that carried so much sadness she was a smiler, but she didn’t, instead she licked her lips as her arms crossed over her chest and pulled the straps down from her shoulders letting the lingerie slip down her arms as she dropped them to her sides.

My gaze swept up her body to meet hers. She looked so vulnerable. It felt like a sharp blade slicing through my veins. Painful, numbing and draining, and at the same time it felt like the most consequential and fateful moment I’d ever had with the exception of witnessing the birth of my daughter. That look on her face was nothing like I’d ever seen, not even when I’d first kissed her or after she’d lost her child.

I ran my eyes down her body to the hem of her underwear where the faint silvery line traced the edge of the lace. I’d seen so many scars in my life, but seeing hers gutted me. That scar represented so many things, and for a second, I didn’t understand how she was the one consoling me because I desperately wanted to incinerate all the sorrow and heartache that was so deeply embedded in her soul. So deep that I don’t think I’d ever really felt it until then. Not the brunt of it anyway. Not until she’d decided to offer herself to me on a platter that was overflowing with everything that she was.

“What are you doing, Quincy?”

Her fingers hooked on either side of her knickers and she shimmied them down her legs. Stepping out of them when they slipped to her feet. She took in a deep breath. Her eyes never leaving mine.

“I’m taking care of you.”

She stepped between my legs. Completely bare and with her chest rising and falling rapidly as she kneeled on the plush cream rug. She picked up one of my feet and slipped the sock off, repeating the process with the other. Her fingers trailed up my calves to my knees. She stopped and kissed each one. Her eyes meeting mine from under her lashes as her hands swept up the outside of my thighs to my black leather belt. She unbuckled it and pulled it off in a couple of tugs. Leaning forward she unbuttoned my trousers.

“Lift.” She commanded in a sweet husky voice.

She worked them down my legs with my boxers and threw them on top of her clothes. Her breasts rubbing up my thigh as she leaned into me, rising slowly until she lifted herself onto my lap. Her thighs straddling mine as her fingers worked the few buttons that were left out of their holes. Her mouth gaped as she let out a soft sigh and traced her nails up my chest to my shoulders before she pushed the starched cotton off them and down my arms. And then she just stopped and pulled back.

Her arse pushed back onto my knees as her eyes slowly took me in. My eyes. My lips. My neck. Her eyes softened as she got to my chest like she could see something that I couldn’t. She splayed one of her hands right on top of my heart.

“I love everything about you, Jamie,” She breathed. “But most of all, I love your big, beautiful heart.”

Her eyes rose back to mine and she pulled herself closer. Her chest completely flush with mine. I ran my hands up her smooth legs to her arse cheeks tugging her completely down on me. She closed her eyes on a long languid moan as my dick pressed against her wet heat.

I couldn’t help but watch, utterly mesmerised, as her head fell back. I’d never seen or felt anything as graceful and stunning as her. She raised herself over me and tilted my face up to hers. Her lips dropping soft kisses on my forehead, my cheeks, my nose and finally my lips. She sighed as my tongue slipped between her plump lips. Her arms wrapped around my shoulders. My dick bobbing at her entrance.

“Quincy—”

“We’re good.” She rasped back quickly.

I held my shaft as she sank down slowly. And holy Jesus almighty…Her breath hitched as her nails bit down into my traps. Her forehead touching mine as she exhaled and took me in completely. Every single explicative crossed my mind and begged to roll off my tongue at the feel of her pussy around me. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to soil the moment with any of them. I’d thought about and imagined what it would feel like to be buried inside her for so long. Before I even kissed her the first time when we were barely adults.

A hoarse moan parted her lips as I cupped her arse and lifted her so that just the tip of my cock remained inside her and when I guided her back down her fingers twisted and pulled at my hair.

“Oh my…” She sighed as her teeth bit down on her lip and her eyes widened on mine. She wrapped herself around me as I knotted my fingers in her hair and pulled, tilting her lips to mine.

Being inside her was so much more than anything I’d ever imagined. I could feel her pussy clench around me as I drove deeper into her. Her skin dampened as our bodies moved together. Her breaths getting shorter and quicker. My dick pulsing as we got closer to breaking point. Her moans getting louder and incoherent. Her moves desperate and jagged, just as my thrusts became deeper and unrefined.

I wrapped my arms around her tightly as her nails scratched into my shoulders. Her head falling back as I sucked her nipple into my mouth. I could feel her getting wetter, her core hotter and tighter as she pulled me in deeper till we felt inseparable. We were completely melded together. I could feel my cock swell as I pumped harder and faster into her. My teeth bit down on her nipple as she came with a loud echoing moan, my release filling her.

Then it was all just a quiet breathiness, and it didn’t matter how tight I held her because it just wasn’t tight or close enough. I just wanted to hold her and catch her as she fell apart. I wanted to break her and put her back together myself because that was something that I had never been able to do before now. When other people, situations and life had broken her I wasn’t able to put her back together even when I’d caught her or when I’d held her.

She sagged into me. Her arms dangling over my shoulders as mine continued holding her to me. She hummed in bliss as I stroked her dark golden hair off her face. She peeked up at me with shining eyes and flushed cheeks. Her lips twisting into a beautiful contented smile. I knew then that I could never let her go.

Quincy

"Quincy?"

“Mmmm?” I snuggled deeper into his chest breathing in the faint smell of his body wash mixed with our sweat and cigarettes. My fingers enjoying the feel of the light smattering of hair on his chest.

“I love you too.” He pulled my body flush to his and hiked my leg over his. My heart fluttering with his words even though I’d already known.

“I know.”

“You know?” His hand cupped my chin and tilted my face up to him.

He looked at me like I’d told him some big secret. Like he hadn’t showed me every time he helped stitch another of my shredded pieces back together. I giggled at his furrowed brow. My finger smoothing the fleshy parallel lines in the middle.

“Why else would you have taken care of me all this time?”

He opened his mouth and then closed it again like he’d thought better of what he was going to reply with, but the glint in his eyes exposed the quip he held back. He rolled me onto my back and shuffled down my body where he laid his head over my belly button. His finger traced the rib under by boob, closest to my heart.

“What does it mean?” He breathed into my skin as his finger traced the first small black line, pressed the following dots and smoothed over the last dashes.

“Theo.”

His sharp intake of breath startled me. I could feel the question burning his lips as his face scrunched with confusion.

“Before Theo I thought everything was fine. I thought that my life was pretty great for the most part. I didn’t realise that I was lost in a life that I’d dreamt of and created for myself. Then he came along, and I know that I only got to hold him for a moment. I wish that I’d held him longer. That I’d held him tighter. Sometimes I wish I’d never let him go.” My eyes prickled as tears collected at the brim. “But despite all the pain and all the anger. All the darkness that followed him, it made me realise that I had just been bobbing along with every wave that came and went. His silence told me it wasn’t enough anymore. So that’s the reason for the Morse Code, because he may not have been able to physically speak to me, but he still showed me that there was more.”

Jamie tilted his face down. His fingers tracing down my belly to my Caesarean scar. His touch tingled and buzzed. He traced it back and forth a few times before he dropped a soft kiss where it ended shy of my hip bone. I didn’t think it was noticeable. In fact, it was just a pale line across my skin, like I’d laid in the sun with a string across the bottom of my belly. He kissed up from it all the way to the ink under my breast. His fingertip drawing the dits and dahs like he was repeating my son’s name in his head. It shouldn’t have been comforting or relieving, but the look on his face was like he was trying to draw out my pain.

“I want to fix this.” He kissed the tattoo before he planted his elbows on either side of my shoulders and tangled his fingers in my hair. “I will never let you hurt like that again. Not alone. I promise.”

He kissed my forehead and laid back down with his head on my chest.

“There are some things in this life, Jamie, that you can’t fix.”

“Why?”

I stroked his hair and his jaw. “Because you are human. Because there are things that serve a higher purpose. Because it’s life.”

I’d learned that the hard way. I’d learned that life was cruel to be kind. If I hadn’t lost my child, I wouldn’t have him. I’d probably still be married to a man who I’d never been enough for. Yet Jamie looked at me like I was everything and more. Like he’d won the jackpot.

“Sometimes we need to let go. Just let life do as it may. It’s not easy and it’s not pretty but that’s how it goes.” I cradled him closer to my chest.

“What if I can’t?”

“You can.” I kissed the top of his head and pulled the duvet over us. “I promise.”

Walking into the hospital holding hands hadn’t been the smartest thing to do. But the emotional and sexual high had impaired the logical part of our brains from doing its thing. I guess I didn’t think that anyone would notice. Jamie and I had done it a thousand times before—walked into work together.

We hadn’t even really spoken about what we were doing. We hadn’t talked about telling the girls or even Richard and Jenna. But I don’t think either of us were ready to let go. He’d held my hand as we left his home and as he helped me into his Range. He’d rested his hand on my knee and stroked the skin of my thigh affectionately throughout the short journey to the hospital. And then he’d just taken my hand when we got out of the car and just like that we’d walked in. Like it was just another day. Because for everyone else it was just another day.

There were only a few other members of staff when we got to the locker room, probably finishing their shift. Wednesdays were always strange. I spent most of the day doing admin and signing discharge papers until an end of shift page from the trauma team. It was predictable like clockwork that every Wednesday at the end of my shift I’d get called into theatre. I’d like to say it was because I was the best, which I was, but the reason it was always me that got the end of shift trauma was as stupid as I was the newest Cardiothoracic Consultant on the block. Which meant that both of the older Consultants managed to always get away.

Jamie on the other hand, never had that problem. He’d been a Consultant for over three years now which meant that he could run rings around most of the staff well enough that before they even thought to page him, they’d already paged someone else along the line. Unless it was the good stuff. The really messy traumas where the patient’s brain was bulging out of their skull or something equally as interesting. Definitely not an overweight, middle-aged City slicker who’d had a heart attack on the train because their arteries were completely clogged with the last ten years’ worth of desk lunches and takeaways. I saved that guy.

I put my lab coat on over my grey tweed pencil skirt and dark green cashmere jumper. I checked myself in the small mirror at the back of my locker. I’d barely had time to do my make-up this morning. Jamie had made sure that our day started on the up. Next time we needed to wake up earlier…or make it quicker. I wasn’t fussy. I combed my hair up into a high ponytail and before I forgot fished out the keys his sister had given me yesterday.

“Can you give these back to Dorian?” I held them out to him.

“I wondered how you got in.” He looked at them like he was disappointed. “I thought you had ninja skills. I felt so proud of myself for bagging a ninja.”

“Nope. Still just me.”

“I like still just you too.” He finished putting his things away and closed his locker door. “You should keep them.”

“I’m not keeping your keys.”

I could feel my face flush. My fingers tightening around the keys to stop them from shaking.

“They’re not mine, and clearly my sister doesn’t need them anymore.” He slipped his fingers in the front of my skirt and dragged me to him.

“Not here.” I smacked his hand away and instantly felt the loss of his touch.

“Keep the keys, I enjoyed your impromptu drop in.”

“I can surprise you even if you have to buzz me up.”

He laughed and dropped a quick kiss on my lips before he turned for the door. Without taking the keys.

“Fine, I’ll give them to her myself.”

“That’s between you two.” He called over his shoulder as he left.

I threw the keys back into my bag and followed him out of the room to my side of the hospital. I saw a few of my patients that needed following up and chased a couple of labs as well as one or two x-rays. It wasn’t really what I should be doing, I’d graduated from that just over a year ago. But, the reality was that unless I went trolling for patients I had to wait for them to come to me. Which they did, just not today. So I made my calls, grabbed my files and went and sat next to Jack, the Davies’ boy.

I sat there for over an hour as his parents went home to get freshened up and changed. I went over all my notes for the Spencer baby. His little heart seemed to be working just fine. There’d been no blips, nothing. I’d expected him to take longer to recuperate, but the little guy was a fighter. Considering I’d never actually done surgery on a baby so young, this was a dream case. I knew it wasn’t going to be long till I had to sign his discharge papers and send him home with his family. I moved on to another patient who I was keeping track of during pregnancy due to a heart defect. Just the usual.

Until Richard walked in the room with his face bright red and smoke practically coming out of his ears. I’d seen that look plenty of times before, mainly during our divorce. I could already see the nurses’ station becoming busier.

I took a deep breath and put my files on the over bed table.

“Whatever you’re about to say? Don’t.” I pulled the lapels of my white coat together. “It has nothing to do with you.”

I’d already heard the news about me and Jamie, and if I hadn’t the constant looks I’d been getting from most of the female staff would have alerted me to it. As it was, Beth had done me the kindness of letting me know what was going round the rumour mill before I was caught short by a moment like this.

“Are you out of your mind? Jamie? My fiancée’s ex?” He seethed. “It has everything to do with me. Do you have any idea what people are already saying?”

“I don’t care, Richard. But even if I did, this is neither the place nor the time to talk about it. Now, get out of my patient’s room.” I stood and stepped closer to him as I pointed at the door.

“You think he actually wants you? He doesn’t care about anybody but himself.”

“Please leave, Richard.”

“Did he make it all better for you?”

I wanted to scream that he had, that Jamie had done something that he could never have done, but the reality was that it hadn’t been Jamie. Or just him. It had been a combination of things, but mostly it had been me. And, honestly? It wasn’t better. I wasn’t better, I’d never be better about my loss. But I was so tired of it reigning over every part of me that I’d had no choice but to try and move on.

I looked up at him and straightened my spine. I was not going to allow him to use my grief and pain to trample me. He grabbed my arm as I walked around him, it wasn’t even like he was or had hurt me, but the feel of his touch…the warmth was all off. It made me prickle in all the wrong ways.

“Get your hand off me!” I snapped as I yanked my limb from his grasp. “You don’t get to ask me anything about my pain and you certainly do not get a say on who I can or cannot date. You are my ex-husband. You are not a friend, if we didn’t have a child together I would never speak to you again. I would never look at you again. You mean nothing to me. Nothing.”

“You should ask him why he was kissing Jenna in front of their daughter.” He said as I walked away from him.

I stalled momentarily, my racing heart making it difficult to catch my breath.

Jamie would never have done that. Would he? Well, it wouldn’t have been the first time he picked her over me.

I could feel my heart dropping to my stomach as my chest ached. The tears prickling behind my eyes as I powerwalked to the lifts with my head down so no one could see me.

He said he loved me.

He promised he wouldn’t hurt me.

But he’d already done it.

He lied.

God, I must’ve been some sort of fool because I never saw that coming. All his anger had been at the possibility of losing his daughter, and the fact that his wife and best-friend went behind his back not the actual divorce. Christ, they’d been separated almost two years when the divorce finally came through.

Had I read it all wrong?

I sat in my office staring blankly at the paperwork in front of me. The fluorescent light making my tearful eyes ache and the headache I could feel coming on rumble like a storm cloud in my skull. The off-white walls feeling like they were closing in on me rather than the open feeling they were meant to inspire. I tried blinking so many times so that the tears would just get on with it and fall, but I couldn’t get rid of the watery goggles.

I kept replaying every conversation we’d had the last few weeks. I kept replaying everything we’d said last night. At no point had he even hinted that he wanted to reconcile with Jenna, let alone that he’d kissed her.

I straightened and fanned my face as a knock sounded at the door.

“Come in.”

“Hey, I’ve been looking everywhere for you. It’s not like you to be holed up in he—” Jamie stopped and took me in. “What on earth? What’s wrong?”

For the first time in my life I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to lash out and make him hurt. For the first time ever, I didn’t care whether or not he was okay, because he’d hurt me. I wasn’t okay, and it was because of him. I’d opened myself to him. I’d shown him what I hadn’t shown anyone else. All the hurt that I’d lived with, I’d bared it all to him because I wanted him to do the same with me. And for what? He’d accepted it all and made a mockery of it with his stupid lies.

I had trusted him, and the worst part of it all was that my heart was still pining for him. Still telling me, even in its pain, that it just couldn’t be true. That he wouldn’t do that to me. Well, my heart could jolly well do one.

“Why did you do it?”

“What?” He placed two cups of coffee on my desk and looked at me completely befuddled, like I was insane. “What are you talking about?”

“Why did you kiss her, Jamie?”

It was then the teary dam decided to burst. Like the words leaving my lips pushed the tears out with them.

“Wha—kissed who? What the fuck are you on about, Quincy?”

“Jenna.” I spat at him. Her name souring my mouth. “You kissed her. Why?”

“Jenna. Jenna? I didn’t. Why would you think that?” He breathed out, hurt evident on his face. “Quincy, I have no idea where this has come from, but if you think that I’d do that to you…”

“If you didn’t, then why does Richard think you did?”

“He told you that? He told you I kissed Jenna?”

“He told me to ask you why you’d kissed her in front of Molly.” I twisted the sapphire ring on my middle finger unable to look at him.

“I didn’t, Quincy.” He crouched down in front of my seat and tilted his head so that our eyes met. “I could never hurt you like that.”

The sadness and austerity in his voice was heartening.

“Why does he think that you did?” I sniffed as he held my hands in his.

“I don’t know, but he’s wrong. I wouldn’t go near her in that way with a ten-foot barge-pole. Not again and not after everything,” he said as he wiped my tears with his thumb. “Besides, you’re the only one I want to be kissing. I’m not playing around. We’ve been edging this a long time, too long.”

I looked up at his face. He was so calm, and his relaxed gentleness was like a soothing balm to my wounded heart…not so much for my pride.

“Also, doesn’t it seem strange that I’d do it in front of Molly?”

“I guess so.”

“You guess so?” He quirked his brow up at me. “Be reasonable about this.”

“Yes.” I mumbled as embarrassment started to colour my sadness.

“I’m done with all the shit.” He stood pulling me out of my chair with him. “We’re together. Most of the hospital knows and you need to know, because this isn’t happening again. If I ever become unhappy with us, you’ll be the first to know.”

“Okay.”

“Good.” He kissed me hard and then handed me one of the coffees. “That is for you. I figured you’d need the pick me up after our long night.”

He winked at me and caressed my warming cheek.

“Thank you,” I smiled up at him feeling sheepish. “And I’m sorry I listened to him.”

“Don’t be embarrassed, just find me and talk to me next time. I’ll never lie to you. Understand?”

“Yes.” I nodded in tandem with my words.

“Right, well I have to go and sort out other heads.”

It was that simple. Maybe I should’ve dug further. Maybe I did the right thing and trusted Jamie like I always had. Whichever of those were true, I knew that I should never have believed Richard of all people. The man who never knew faithful until he left me. The man who made me feel inadequate in so many ways.

I never wanted for there to be a them and an us, even when I didn’t think that Jamie would ever want an us. I just wanted to keep the peace for my daughter. I never wanted her to feel unloved. I never wanted her to feel like she had to pick between me or her father, but the more I thought about him and all the vindictive and ill-meaning things he’d spewed at me the more I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel what it was like to wake up and realise that the person you thought you could count on was selfish, demanding and unyielding.

Things hadn’t been easy between us since Theo, maybe never, but within the space of a day my ex-husband had twisted every last vestige of pity I felt for him and guilt I harboured of not being a good enough wife to him.

Jamie

I’d surprised myself. I had every intention of finding Richard and causing him some serious brain damage, or just knocking a couple of his teeth out. That would’ve done me nicely, but instead I invited him out for a drink. What kind of idiot invites their ex’s partner and their girlfriend’s ex for a drink? I don’t know, maybe it was the look on his face, like he wanted to beat the shit out of me, but at the same time he looked like how I’d felt when I found out about him and Jenna. So instead of my fist meeting his face like it’d been a long time coming, I blurted out some half-witted stupid invite for drinks.

Sometimes, I really wondered just how intelligent I was. You would’ve thought I’d have told Quincy too, but no, instead I’d stuck her in a taxi with the excuse that I was meeting my sister. Which I was. Wednesday was our day to meet for a drink and chat. Dorian was always good for a non-chat chat, we usually just let Daniel talk for the both of us whilst we sat in silence. She’d always been so quiet; we were all surprised at how talkative her son was. Clearly, he took after his dad.

So, there I sat in mine and Dorian’s booth at one of the burger bars Daniel loved, waiting for Richard. A part of me hoped he wouldn’t show. The other part wanted him to be there already, so I could tell him that he needed to stop acting like a twat. That whether he liked it or not I wasn’t going to let her go. That I was going to make her happy and that he needed to suck it up and play nice. Because if he didn’t we were going to have bigger problems than him marrying my ex-wife and me dating his.

He lingered outside for the best part of ten minutes. Pacing the front of the restaurant like he was debating with himself whether he should go in or not. He wasn’t even a smoker, so it wasn’t like he could pretend that he was finishing a cigarette. He finally stopped and looked in. I raised my hand and he actually stiffened like I was aiming a gun at him or something.

He walked over to the booth and did his usual OCD coat fold and refold before he tucked it just so to the side with his briefcase on top. He’d always been like that, since we were kids. Phillip and I got into a few scuffles with the playground bullies because of it. That was how close we’d been. I never thought he’d do anything to sever our friendship, nothing like what he’d done anyway. Funny thing was, I used to be so angry about it that I couldn’t even be in the same room as him. But it was like the closer Quincy and I came together, the less it bothered me. At first, I thought it was some sick sense of revenge, but then I realised that actually I’d just never really cared. I thought I did because it’s what any man in my place should do. They should get angry and want to hurt the people who hurt him. That’s not what I wanted though. I wished they’d done things the honest way, sure, but if they wanted to be with each other that was fine with me. So long as it didn’t get between Molly and me, I was okay with it.

“That one’s for you.” I pointed at the pint of larger on his side of the table.

He looked at me as he wrapped his hands around it, “Thanks.”

We must’ve sat there in silence for ages. How do you start a conversation about dating your ex-best-friend’s ex-wife? No one ever bothered to tell me about those conversations. If they did, I sure as fuck wasn’t listening.

“I heard about your infant brain tumour.” He stated as he fidgeted with the salt and pepper shakers.

“You should’ve sent him for a CT.”

“I should’ve. I wish I had. But I promised Jenna—”

He looked up at me like a deer in headlights.

“I know what she’s like.”

“Don’t say it like that. She’s not a bad person.” He went back to fiddling with the salt shaker. “A lot of that neediness came from you neglecting her for so long.”

“I didn’t neglect her. I was there when it mattered.” I snapped.

“Is that another dig at me? Because I didn’t stay with Quincy?”

“Well, you did leave her when she probably needed you to stay the most.”

“I don’t know what she’s told you, but she didn’t want me around after what happened.” He shook some salt into his palm and stirred it with his finger. “I don’t even know how she got pregnant with Pippa. We were arguing and then we weren’t and two months later she threw a sonogram at me.”

“You know, maybe if she hadn’t found you with another woman things would be different.”

“We both know they wouldn’t. I regret not being there for her, but the reality is that it wasn’t me she wanted anyway.” His eyes met mine pointedly. “I was never the one that she was in love with. You coming back changed things and the moment that baby was cut out of her…she changed. You don’t realise it, but she’s not all sunshine and sunny days. She pushes people away. She’s worse than an Ice Queen because you don’t realise how cold she is through all her sweetness and charm.”

“She’d just lost her child, Richard.”

“Yeah, so had I.” He took a long gulp of the beer and shook his head. “You know what? This is a waste of time.”

“Maybe, but if you hurt her again so help me God.” I marked him with a glare. “Why did you tell her I kissed Jenna?”

“Actually, Molly saw you both after I left. Kids are so easily confused, if Jenna hadn’t told me about your conversation…”

“So, you knew that nothing happened? Why did you—”

“I was angry. She should’ve told me about you two. I shouldn’t have to hear it from hospital gossip.”

“What? Like her hearing about your affair with Sam or all the other ones you just dipped your dick into from all the gossip?” He actually flinched at the words. “Do you think that you and Jenna telling me about your affair out of guilt and because she wanted a divorce made it better?” I laughed. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Look, we can’t change the way things happened.”

“No, we can’t.” I sighed. “So, you need to be a good boy about this and learn to live with it.”

“Do me a favour and don’t tell me to be a good boy and don’t do to her what you did to Jenna.”

Really? He was going to lecture me about how to take care of the woman he threw away?

“I’m serious, Richard,” I gritted through my teeth. “Next time you see her, apologise. Profusely. She didn’t deserve your retaliation. Also, I suggest you tell her about your wedding plans. I’m not sure what you’re thinking, but I can promise you that she isn’t going to take it well.”

He shrugged and downed what was left of his beer before doing his whole coat on routine. We didn’t say goodbye or anything. He just walked out, and I sat there waiting for my sister and nephew.

I spent the next week waiting for Richard to tell Quincy about the last-minute wedding. Every day that went by that she didn’t talk to me about it, the more I wanted to tell her. I’d never been good with secrets, but the reality was that it wasn’t my business. Well, the part about Pippa flying half way across the world wasn’t. That was between her mum and dad.

I wasn’t happy about it when it came to Molly, but at the end of the day Jenna was her mother, and it wouldn’t be right if she wasn’t there for her wedding. That was what our life was going to be like from now on. Compromise. I’d let our daughter go with them to the States and in return she’d let me have her on Christmas day, for the next two years. I knew Jenna wasn’t happy with that, but in a roundabout way, it levelled it out for the both of us.

However, I knew Quincy wouldn’t see it that way when it came to Pippa. She may not act like handing her over to Richard on his days was a big deal, but I knew her better than that. I saw the way she constantly checked her phone, even when we were together. It was always within her reach. I could understand her detachment issues, but at the same time it was hard knowing that part of her worry stemmed from her loss.

We’d barely settled in for the pantomime that Willow was playing one of the ugly stepsisters in before Molly mentioned how excited she was about going to visit her grandmother in America. I tried to stop her from saying anything more, but she was as shit as me at keeping secrets. The visit turned into the wedding and in a matter of minutes that whole situation got out of hand. I saw the withering look on Quincy’s face as she got up and excused herself. Her hand strangling her phone. I also knew I was in for it because it was obvious I knew.

Fantastic!

I sat with the girls in our box and waited for her to come back. I couldn’t leave a six-year-old and an almost seven-year-old unattended, so I had no choice but to wait. We were almost at the end of the first part before she came back in. A scowl on her face and her cheeks so red that she looked feverish. I reached out across the girls and put my hand on her shoulder, but she slapped it away. The look on her face telling me to pretty much fuck off.

I just wanted to leave. I wanted to get her alone and tell her that it hadn’t been my place to tell her. I really wish I had because it would’ve been a hell of a lot better than my daughter blurting it out in a place where I couldn’t explain why I hadn’t told her.

I honestly expected her to leave during the interval. The way she was ignoring me and manhandling her phone, she did not want to be there either. But that was Quincy for you, she sucked it up and let Pippa have a good time. Like any great mother would.

Both of the girls were excited and hyper. They were completely oblivious to Quincy’s foul mood. I really didn’t know what to do at that point. Not without making a massive hoo-hah of things. So, I just fooled around with the kids. I fed them more sugar and junk until the interval was done and we had no choice but to go back to our box. I thought about talking to her behind the curtain in the box, but I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, so I let her stew. I could see all the cogs twisting and turning. I could see exactly what she was thinking.

She wasn’t. The glint in her eyes was like the high-pitched stab music in Psycho. She was out for blood.

By the time we made it out and into a cab she was like a silent assassin lying in wait. She interacted with the girls and humoured them. She even joined in some of their re-enactments from the pantomime. She just didn’t acknowledge me. She’d done the same thing when Phillip told her I was going to America. She’d ignored me and stewed over it, until I worked up the courage to kiss her. Then she’d just held on to me, almost like she was begging me not to go. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone. Maybe if I’d stayed life would’ve been a lot easier now. She would never have married Richard.

“I’m sorry, Quincy.” I leaned forward towards her, but she shuffled farther back in her seat.

“It’s too late for sorry, Jamie.” She shook her head and looked back out of the cab window.

“Mummy?” Pippa tugged on the sleeve of Quincy’s coat. “Why are you angry with Uncle Jamie?”

Molly looked at me with her eyes wide like she was shocked, “Oh no, daddy! What did you do?”

Quincy turned to the girls and smiled, “I’m not angry. How could I be angry when I have the both of you here to cheer me up?”

“Then what’s wrong?” Molly leaned forward as she stared up at Quincy.

“I just don’t like surprises.” Her arm wrapped around both Pippa and Molly.

My heart melted as she brushed her fingers through my daughter’s burnished brown waves. Her smile so tender.

“That’s not true mamma.” Pippa looked up at her with a frown on her face. “You love me.”

“You’re right. You were the best surprise ever, that’s why all other surprises just aren’t nearly as great.”

“Daddy? You know how mummy and Uncle Richard are going to get married?”

I swallowed. For moment I thought that we were going to get away from the whole wedding malarkey. “Yes, Molly.”

“Does that mean you’re going to marry my mummy too?”

Quiet.

I looked at both of the girls and their hopeful faces. Then I looked at Quincy, and I am almost one hundred percent sure that she sighed. Her eyes met mine and then she quickly tore them away.

“Well, I-I-I…”

“What your daddy is trying to say is that just because your mummy and Pippa’s daddy are getting married it doesn’t mean we will too.”

Disappointment flooded me like a spotlight. I hadn’t thought about marriage, we’d only just started actually going out properly. I wasn’t doing that again any time soon, if ever. I had no idea where that feeling had come from, but that little question started a whole new train of thought in my head. It sparked imaginings that scared the living daylights out of me, and at the same time excited me.

“Why?” Molly asked sternly. Her big blue eyes darting between me and Quincy.

“Yeah, why?” Pippa echoed. “We saw you kissing.”

Quincy blushed and sighed, “It’s complicated.”

“Like my maths?”

“Yes, Pippa, like your maths.” She laughed and kissed both of the girls on the head.

The rest of the journey was spent in relative silence between us and the girls talking about Cinderella’s big dress. I knew it wasn’t over, the minute we got to Jenna’s it was going to get messy, because despite what Richard thought, I knew her. I knew about the Ice Queen. I could melt her. But Hurricane Quincy? God help anyone that got in her way.

Quincy

I didn’t want to take my feelings out on Jamie. It was just that he’d known and once again I’d been blindsided. It was like I kept learning of the goings on from the kids and I couldn’t cope with that. It made it all the more difficult for me to get to grips with it all. First Pippa had told me about the baby and now Molly had broken the news of their Stateside wedding. The latter was never going to go down well with me. I hadn’t been more than an hour away from Pippa since the day she was born. In six years I hadn’t ever had to leave her. I’d been so busy with my career and being a mother that I’d never even considered a holiday. So, this was new. This was something we had never spoken about. It hadn’t even crossed my mind.

I knew deep down that Jamie wasn’t to blame for any of the mixed-up feelings, but one thought led to another and then I was asking myself what else did he know that I didn’t. It was a barrage of thoughts that had riled me up to the point that I wanted to grab my child and hide away from all the crap. Because most of my thoughts were complete non-sense. I knew that Richard wasn’t trying to make off with Pippa and live happily ever after with Jenna halfway across the world. I knew that the likelihood of anything drastic happening to Pippa was low. I knew that if something were to go wrong that Richard was one of the best people to look after her, and not just because he was her dad. But that was the logical part of me.

The unreasonable part kept asking the what ifs. What if something happened and Richard didn’t tell me? What if I didn’t get there in time? What if she felt like an outsider? Or overwhelmed? What would happen if Pippa needed me and I wasn’t there? It was an endless assault of silly scenarios. The problem was that those silly scenarios were adding fire to the anger I was still harbouring towards Richard from our altercation.

Jenna had sent the girls straight upstairs when we came in. She’d looked stressed out and on the verge of falling apart, which only made me feel worse because she was pregnant. I knew from personal experience that she didn’t need my shit insecurities to deal with too. She’d set a bottle of wine and glasses on the kitchen table and she had all these papers and a massive folder in the middle of it all. It was like she’d set up for a meeting. She was prepared to show me everything, except I wasn’t interested in any of it at that moment. The only thing I wanted was to tear Richard into shreds and stomp over all that was left of him. I wanted to put my foot down and say no.

We sat at the table and I watched as Jenna took Jamie through all the plans and all the contingencies, and I know I should’ve been listening, but I wasn’t. I just kept looking between them and the way that she touched his arm when she was showing him something in particular that she wanted him to look at. I watched as their hands touched when she handed him something. Then I started wondering if he really had moved on because he ate up her every word. He smiled and laughed when she mentioned something funny about when they’d met. And just like that I started to feel like a third wheel in their company. He didn’t look at me and smile. He didn’t say anything to me. He didn’t even seem bothered that our day had been ruined because of her and Richard.

My heart felt like it was in physical pain and the only thing I could hear were the parts of their conversation that stung even more. I felt like a cornered animal. There was no one on my team. The us and them became a them versus me. It was unreasonable, but what if that was how it was? What if I was alone?

I didn’t even notice I’d stood up until I was halfway down the street with no coat and no bag. Just my phone in my hand.

I wanted to walk back and just tell her no. But the reality was that I knew I couldn’t. Technically I could, but that would undo all the work that I’d put in over the years. Everything that I’d done to ensure that mine and Richard’s break-up didn’t affect Pippa.

I couldn’t go back though. I was embarrassed for walking out. I hadn’t even said goodbye to Pippa. Maybe Richard was right, I was incompetent…as his wife…as a mother. Maybe I wasn’t good enough for Jamie either. Perhaps that was why everything was so messy and so complicated.

What if we just weren’t meant to be?

I carried on walking in the general direction of home. The weather was chilly, and I only had a jumper on over my shirt. At least I’d worn trousers, even if they were thin ankle grazers. I had never really realised just how complex and big London really was until now. I’d always got in a cab or jumped on a bus, I’d never walked from their house to mine. Still, it was too late now. So I carried on. My feet complaining in my Converse. My hair whipping all over my face with the blustery wind. If it weren’t for Christmas, I’d fucking hate December.

That was the other thing. Sure, I’d have Christmas with Pippa like I had every other year, but then I’d have to wave her off on Boxing Day so that they could all fly off for their New Year wedding. Just like a big happy family. Meanwhile I’d be here wondering if my baby was safe, if she was happy. I’d be here counting down the days till they got back.

I rounded the corner onto my road and it was like I got a burst of energy because I’d never walked so fast in my life. I was shivering even though I didn’t feel the cold as such. I barely made it up the steps before it decided to start drizzling. Winner. I’d never used the spare key, but as I dug into the side of the flower box by the door I was more than grateful that I’d taken the initiative to hide one there. I yanked the keys out of the dirt and shook my hand like some crazy person hoping the spider I’d pulled out with them would bugger off. I just about managed to keep myself from falling down the stairs.

Twit!

I needed a bath and sleep, and then tomorrow I’d deal with everything. My heart lightened in my chest when I walked into the hall to find my bag and keys on the sideboard by the door and my coat hanging on its hook. Their presence had me searching my house for Jamie. I looked in every room even though deep down I already knew he wasn’t there. He had this energy that just permeated the air whenever he was around, and it wasn’t present. The electricity and the buzz weren’t in the air.

I threw my phone on my bed and went straight to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet as I ran my bath and thought everything over in my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all. I was trying to find the moment that he’d decided he didn’t want me anymore. Why else would he have brought my belongings and just left? That wasn’t like him. He always stayed. He hadn’t even called me.

The bath water was so hot it stung as I lowered myself into it. I laid there mulling things over. The panic slowly building in my chest as my fear sunk in. I didn’t want to lose him. He was my friend. My best-friend. He was the only man I’d ever loved to the point that his pain was my pain. His happiness my own. Why had I walked away? Why had I left?

I soaked until the water turned cold. Then I washed my hair with my chocolate shampoo, the scent always made me feel better and comforted, except this time it just smelt too sweet and sickly. It didn’t make me think of the chocolate that I was going to sit and consume with my black coffee and cigarette. I didn’t even want any of those things, I just wanted my bed. Or Jamie. In fact, fuck the bed, I just wanted him.

I was beyond tired and yet I couldn’t settle. Every time I closed my eyes it was like I was looking into his. I imagined his arms around me. I imagined his face tucked into my neck as he breathed me in. But none of that chased away the perpetual cold surrounding me.

I checked my phone again, just in case I hadn’t heard it ring. Nothing. He hadn’t even tried to talk to me. I looked through our texts, I had no idea that we text so much. There were hundreds of goodnights and just as many good mornings. There were photos of our girls. There were plans. But what caught my eyes the most was the way he always told me he loved me at the end of every conversation. Not just since we’d consciously been together, but even before. I wondered if I went as far back as I could go, whether our trail would be like that—me saying goodbye and him telling me he loved me. I never even noticed it. Why hadn’t I seen it before?

I was an idiot. I should’ve talked it out with him. I shouldn’t have let everything get to me. But I had. And now I was laying here feeling sorry for myself like I’d been wronged. Which in a way I had, but not by Jamie. He just got caught in the middle. I put him in the middle. What an epic imbecile. Why had it been so easy for me to think the worst? To think that he’d gone behind my back?

I scrolled back down to our last message and smiled at his words;

See you soon, beautiful. I love you.

I could feel my heart melt all over again, like it had when I’d just received it. I pressed my finger over the words like they’d make me feel better, but if anything, the guilt over how I’d treated him was making me feel worse. I could feel my pride heckling and bristling as I thumbed the only word that I was desperate to tell him…

Sorry.

Then I made a call I should’ve made the minute I got home. I felt terrible for not telling her I loved her. All this had been because I couldn’t bear to be away from Pippa, yet I’d left without telling her that she was everything to me. My baby. My girl. My world.

“Hello?”

“Hi Richard.” His angry tone had me shrinking from my phone as I whispered back.

“What do you want?”

“To wish Pippa goodnight.”

“She’s in bed.” He snapped down the line. “I can’t believe you. What’s wrong with you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m just fed up of being left out of the loop.”

“If you weren’t so fucking difficult you wouldn’t be.”

“I’m difficult? Me?”

“Jesus, you turn everything into a saga. Everyone walks on eggshells around you.”

Do they? Am I really that bad?

I thought that I was easy compared to some other mothers I knew. I just liked to have transparency when it came to our child. I didn’t want to hear of their big plans through Molly or even Pippa. I wanted him to tell me, so I could make controlled decisions that wouldn’t end up with Pippa being hurt.

“Can we talk about this tomorrow? I just need to tell Pippa I love her and wish her goodnight.”

“You should have thought about that before you walked out this afternoon. She was devastated. Jenna had to spend the rest of the day consoling her. I thought you were a good mother.”

“I-I…please, Richard.”

“She’s asleep. Call back tomorrow. Bye Quincy.” He didn’t give me a chance to reply as he ended the call.

That man had a way with words. He had a way of making me believe all the negative things he said. Of making me believe that I was inadequate. The problem was that he was right, especially tonight. I hadn’t just walked out on Jamie and Jenna—I’d walked out on Pippa too. I knew she wasn’t asleep. Her bedtime wasn’t for another twenty minutes.

I tapped onto my texts again and stared at my message with the delivered status below it and no reply. I could feel my insides choking me, wringing me like a sponge, and the worst part of it was that there was nothing I could do to stop it. I’d done this. I The tears threatened but never fell. I just sat in the middle of my bed waiting. And waiting. Until evening turned into night and nothing came, not my tears nor his words.had cut off my nose to spite my face. Epic mistake.

Jamie

I’d spent the entire night with my phone in my hand. Staring at her text. I fought every instinct telling me to reply or go to her. I couldn’t. Quincy was a runner and until she stopped I couldn’t go to her. If I kept chasing her, she would never stop running. It was that simple. But that didn’t mean it was easy. I was aching to hold her. I was desperate to make her see that she was her own worst enemy. She needed to learn to stand up for herself, and fight for what she wanted. But, I also knew she needed to learn that the hard way, because it didn’t matter how many times I fought and argued on her behalf, if she wasn’t willing to do it for herself.

I’d sat at the table and listened to Jenna go on and on about her plans and how the girls fit into them. I listened to her go down memory lane, and all the while I took none of it in because I was too focused on Quincy. I felt all the emotions rolling off her. I saw the way she glared every time Jenna touched me. I felt the daggers every time I laughed along with her. My hands itched to hold Quincy’s, but I knew that wasn’t what she needed. She needed to feel everything so that she could work her way through it. That was Quincy down to a T—feel, act, think, reason…feel, act, think, reason…

Talking wasn’t something that came naturally to her, just like it didn’t come naturally to Dorian. I’d been with them in a room that was so convoluted with feelings that it felt almost impossible to breathe. They stored all their feelings until they were running from themselves, and not getting anywhere because the more they ran the more the feelings ate at them—until they exploded. It was a routine I’d watched and been a part of our whole lives. But I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t watch her hurt herself.

I walked around the hospital aimlessly as I went through all the motions and saw my patients. I sat in what I’d come to think of as her chair and read Jack one of the books she’d left on his bedside table. I went through the procedure of bringing him out of his induced coma with his parents. Signed all the paperwork ready for tomorrow. I could tell that his mother was disappointed Quincy wasn’t there, or maybe that was just me projecting my feelings onto her.

The day didn’t drag, but it also didn’t go by at the usual pace. I missed bumping into her around the hospital. I missed seeing her running from patient to patient. I yearned for her smiles and passing touches. I’d worked on so many of the days she’d been off before, but the knowledge that we weren’t speaking made it feel like she was gone. It made the distance between us greater.

By the time I made it out of the hospital I was already two hours over my shift. I cancelled drinks with Jake and a couple of our other mates. Jake and I had met at UCLA as exchange students, we’d taken most of the same classes and we’d stuck together the three years we were out there. We’d both started our training at St. Ermin’s together until we went into specialty. Whilst I’d always had a thing for Neuro, he had a thing for Aesthetics. He was brilliant enough that he’d ended up practicing Cosmetic Surgery on Harley Street. The guy was so sought after that in order to go out for a drink we’d had to book it in his diary almost a month in advance. It was crazy.

Not to mention that the minute we sat at a bar it was like anyone with tits and a vagina within the City of London flocked to him. He was the living breathing definition of a bachelor. He was the ultimate playboy…and Molly’s godfather. Which made me feel a little guilty for cancelling on him, but I just didn’t have it in me to sit and watch women practically squirt at just one of his too perfect smiles. I’d witnessed women falling over each other to buy him a drink. It was ridiculous. The guy was ridiculous. He was also the only best friend I had left. And whilst the term best friend is juvenile, it was exactly who he was to me.

I stopped in to see Molly and ended up staying for a few hours as Jenna and Richard popped out to pick up something or another for the wedding. Both of the girls couldn’t stop talking about their trip. It made me happy that Quincy had worked it all out with both Richard and Jenna, even if I had to hear it from them. I knew she must’ve been terrified, but the fact that she’d come back today whilst the girls were at school and talked it out with both of them meant she was finally thinking rather than just feeling.

It bothered me that she hadn’t tried to call me or text me again, but I hoped that it wasn’t because she was pushing me away. Waiting may not have been my thing, but I could give her time. Limited time, but time nonetheless.

I collected my mail from the concierge desk and got in the lift. I checked my phone once more as it took me up to my floor. My fingers itching to reply to her message from over twenty-four hours ago but instead I stuffed it back in my coat pocket when the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened.

I stopped in my tracks as she paused halfway back to my apartment. My eyes going to her coat and bag by my door, to her golden waves and down to her bum as she spun towards me…slowly. Her gaze rising to meet mine as she bit her lip. She was nervous.

My feet felt like they were stuck in dry cement. I couldn’t move as my heart tried to beat its way out of my chest.

Calm the fuck down you idiot!

She looked how I felt. Exhausted and anxious. Her blue eyes wide and apprehensive. She tucked the long fringe on one side of her face behind her ear. Her other hand pulling on the blush sleeve of her jumper. She swayed as she twisted the white rubber toes of her Converse onto the shiny stone floor. She looked frantically from me to the duffle in my hand to the floor and the mirrored box behind me.

I stuck my hand out as the lift doors began to close and stepped over the dull metal threshold.

I took her in. She was so beautiful. Even when she looked a little out of sorts she still managed to make my body physically ache for her. It was the strangest, yet most amazing thing. I couldn’t ever recall feeling like that about anyone else. Not even Jenna, and we’d been pretty full on at the beginning. I don’t even know when it all dimmed down. It was like all the bubbles in our bath popped over time and we were just surrounded by tepid water in the end. It wasn’t bad, and it wasn’t good. It sort of just was. I couldn’t ever imagine things just being with Quincy. There was this thing—a connection— between us that had every part of me desperate to get closer.

She took a deep breath as her fingers knotted in front of her.

“You didn’t reply,” she said, her voice was shaky and raspy.

My brows furrowed as I took her in once again. The red printed glasses on the front of her semi fitted jumper emphasising her boobs.

Her hands tugged on the hem of the white shirt sticking out from under the jumper.

I ran my eyes back up her body until I met her worried gaze. “I didn’t.”

At my words her shoulders hunched as all the breath in her lungs seemed to be squeezed out through her gaping lips.

Call me sadistic, but I wanted her to feel the loss so that next time she would think twice about walking away. We couldn’t have a relationship where she wandered off and came back when she was ready to. As much as I loved her, that was something I couldn’t live with. I couldn’t keep worrying about when things would get too much for her and she’d run off. I couldn’t be there for her like I needed to be if she didn’t stick around through everything.

I walked past her to my door and let myself in. I dumped my bag by the door and hung my coat on the rack. I looked out into the hall and watched as she pressed the button for the lift. The doors sliding back open almost instantly.

“Where are you going?” I called to her.

She turned around quickly. Her brown leather satchel hung on her shoulder and her black and white herringbone coat over her forearm.

Her shoulder shrugged as she shook her head and her eyes looked around as if to say I don’t know. The small beaded bow on the black and red Alice band in her hair catching the light like a halo. I hated seeing her like that—scared and unsure. She looked pained and vulnerable. I never wanted to make her feel like that. I wanted her to feel sure and strong—like the Quincy that came out in theatre.

I nodded her inside as the brass doors behind her closed again.

She looked over her shoulder and then back at me. Her eyes closed as she took a long deep breath.

Was she steeling herself?

I held the door open and stood to the side as she walked past me. She shook out her coat lightly and refolded it before putting it on the shallow sideboard and placing her bag on top. I wanted to throw them on the floor. That wasn’t her, that was Richard. I didn’t want his version of Quincy, I wanted the one that left her shoes in front of the door and her coat on a chair haphazardly. I wanted the woman who left a trail of mugs and glasses wherever she went.

“Are you leaving?”

“Huh?” Her face scrunched up like she didn’t understand.

I looked pointedly at her shoes.

“Oh, sorry.” She flustered as she toed them off and bent down to put them out of the way.

“Leave them,” I pulled her up by her arm. “Relax.”

She stumbled slightly, and her hands grabbed onto my forearms. I took a step closer to her until we were toe to toe. My arms wrapped around her, holding her to me. Her head just under my chin as I felt her breathing hiccup into my chest.

“We’re going to talk, Quincy. I don’t care how long it takes, if we’re here all night. If I have to lock that door, I will, you’re not running or walking away from this.”

I felt her wince and then she wrapped her arms around me.

“I’m so sorry, Jamie.”

“I know, but sorry won’t work anymore. I can’t keep running after you. You need to stop and deal with things before they get out of hand.” I pulled away and kissed her forehead as she sighed. “Are you hungry?”

She shook her head at me, “Not really.”

“Well, I’m starving.”

We talked for hours. We talked about everything and anything over dinner. Luckily mum had popped round and stocked the fridge with a few meals. I’d told her she didn’t have to, but she insisted I humour Leoni, her housekeeper. She’d been with our family for as long as I could remember, and she’d always had a thing for feeding me and my sisters. She was more family than employee.

Quincy had gradually begun to relax. I’m not quite sure what she was expecting, but she’d been on edge about it. I’d kept the wine flowing as we talked about how she felt over Pippa going away with Richard and Jenna. She wasn’t best pleased, but she understood that it was one of the things she had to relent on. Although she wasn’t keen on the notion of compromise when it came to Richard, she knew that it was the only way they would stop butting heads.

I topped off our wineglasses with what was left of the Malbec Gwen had chosen for our first date as she wandered back from the toilet.

She sat back down and took a sip from her glass. The gaze from under her long lashes locking on mine. We both just sat for a moment. Still. Her hands wrapped around the generous belly of her glass. Her fingers barely meeting. It always amazed me how petite her hands were. So refined. It was like they were specifically made to fix the most intricate and delicate of organs.

She quirked a brow as a cheeky smile lit up her face. “I need to ask you something.”

“Go for it.”

“Why on earth do you have a mirrored toilet seat in your guest toilet?”

“The same reason you have a disco ball coffee table.”

“Willow.” She stated with no surprise at all tinging her voice.

“Yup.” I toasted, my glass clinking with hers lightly. “I didn’t have it in me to argue with her about a toilet seat. Couldn’t bring myself to give a shit.”

“Oh, I see what you did there,” She gave me an exaggerated giggle. “Very funny. It’s a pity it insults your intelligence.”

“Does it?” I poked my finger right into the tickle spot on her thigh, in just the right way to make her squirm.

“Yes!” She gasped for breath in between her bouts of laughter. “Stop it, I’m going to spill my wine!”

“Such a party pooper.”

“Not my fault your jokes are rubbish.” She took one long gulp of her wine and put the glass down.

“You laughed.”

“At you.” She removed her headband and threw it on the coffee table with a huff, before brushing her hair from her face. “That thing always hurts right on the Mastoid.”

I sat back onto the sofa and put my feet up on the footstool, making myself comfortable. She gave me a slight glare as I tapped my lap and pulled her into me. The moment I started rubbing the bone behind her ears she sighed and laid her head on my thighs. It was such a mundane moment, but it felt good. It felt right, like all the pieces of a puzzle fitting perfectly together. We were both relaxed, which meant it was a good time to talk about us.

Us. Even though we’d become an us and I’d made my intentions clear, I still wasn’t sure Quincy was on the same page. I wanted to do more than just date and have sex. I wanted to make plans—real plans for the future. I had no idea when I’d gone from thinking that finally she was mine to needing it to be a forever thing. All I knew was that this had been such a long time coming and now that we were more, I wanted so much more. I’d skirted around this conversation because I was scared of how she would react. I was scared she would pull away from me because I wanted to ask her for things that I knew she hadn’t given a second thought to. I hadn’t thought about them, at least not in the way I was now. I thought I was done before, but now I was nowhere near it and it was scaring the shit out of me because all of a sudden the stakes were higher and the loss so much greater.

She hummed blissfully as I lightly raked my nails over her scalp, the vibrations making it all the way to the top of my thighs. I shifted slightly as my dick rose to the occasion, last thing she wanted was my erection poking the back of her head. Her eyes met mine and she smiled mischievously before her glistening tongue licked across her plump and peachy red lips. Oh man, now I was thinking about how they felt around my dick…my dick in her mouth…her tongue on my dick.

Oh sweet fuck, not now. Focus bellend.

Like she read my thoughts, she licked her lips again. How was I meant to carry on talking to her when conversing wasn’t the doing verb my cock was familiar with?

“Why’d you stop, babe?”

“Babe?” I combed my fingers through her hair and went back to rubbing her scalp. “Why babe?”

“Why not?”

“Babe?”

“You know what, babe? More of this,” she pointed to her head, “And less of that!” She pinched my lips shut.

I took her hand from my lips and laced my fingers with hers. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

She turned on her side towards me. Her eyes focusing on my semi, “Are you sure you want to talk?” She bit down on her lower lip before she rolled it between her teeth. Her eyes completely focused on my goods.

“No…yes, stop looking at it like that!”

“Like what?” Her eyes slowly worked their way up to mine. “What do you want me to look at? It’s right there, in my face…” As if to demonstrate how close she was the back of her hand brushed softly down my growing hard on as she swept her fringe from her eyes.

“Focus up here.”

“I am.” She shrugged as she glanced back at my crotch. “Make it quick.”

“I was thinking that since the girls know and since we have them for Christmas day that maybe we could spend it together. I know that it’s just around the corner and that you usually spend it at your parents’, but the girls would love it and—”

“I like the sound of that.” Her brows quirked as she worked her gaze back down to my lap.

“You do?”

She traced up and down the row of buttons on my shirt with her index finger as she replied, “I do.” Her voice was smoky and breathy.

“It’d feel like a normal family Christmas.”

“It will, we can ask Richard and Jenna to drop them off here on the eve.”

Here? “Here?” I’d assumed she’d want to spend it at her house if she even wanted to spend it together at all.

“If that’s okay with you?”

“Of course.” I smiled at her as my hand cupped her face. “I’d love that, babe.”

She sat up, her eyes narrowed to slits. “Babe?”

“It suits you.” I rested my hands on her hips as she straddled my lap. “Quincy, I don’t just want to date you and sleep with you. You know that, don’t you?”

She stilled on my lap for a moment. My heart felt like it was going crazy as it thumped in my chest.

She brought her face close to mine. So close that the tip of her nose touched mine and her breath splayed on my lips. “What do you want?”

“To make plans with you.”

“We are making plans, Jamie.” She stroked my face.

“Not just Christmas plans.”

“You just signed your divorce papers…”

“I know.” I flattened my hands on her back beneath her clothes. “That’s why I need you to know where I want us to go.”

“Shouldn’t we wait?” She let out a soft moan as I worked my hands up her soft skin.

“I feel like I’ve been waiting forever, Quincy.” I touched my forehead to hers. “I want to live my life with you—”

“Jamie.” She breathed out my name as her hands squeezed my shoulders.

“I’m not saying I want to rush things, but I need to know that at some point you’re going to be ready for a lifetime of this. Of us.” My heart sank into my stomach as she sat up with her back ram-rod straight and a confused look on her face. Where did she think this was going?

“It’s not something I’ve thought about since Richard and I split. I’ve spent the last seven years focusing on being a good mum, and I’ve struggled with that. Pippa has been the only constant person in all my plans.”

My chest was constricting my lungs. I was beginning to feel panicked. What if she didn’t want this to go where I wanted it to? She said she loved me, but what if it was only enough for a fling and not a future? “Is there room for two more in your plans?”

“I thought my future was going to be me and Pippa.” She shrugged as she searched my face. “I know you’re already a big part of our lives, Jamie, but if you become more to me you’ll also become more to her. You won’t just be making plans with me.”

“I know, and the same goes for you. It’s not just me, it’s Molly too. I know all of that, but what I’m asking you is if you want to include me in your plans like I want to include you in mine?”

She smiled at me softly as her eyes caressed my face before they settled on mine, “More than anything.” She touched her lips to mine and traced them up to my ear, “Maybe we should start with my plan for tonight?”

“And what’s that?” I ran my hands to her breasts and squeezed.

“More of this,” She placed her hands on top of mine over her jumper. “A lot less clothes.”

“I’d like that.”

Quincy

Over the past week I’d seen Pippa become more and more excited about being a flower girl and going on her first plane trip. She’d spent the first couple of days of her school holiday piling all the outfits she wanted to take with her on the rocker in the corner of her room. There was a lot of tulle in bright pinks and purples. Her Converse collection was neatly arranged in a rainbow coloured streak across the cream carpet. I was trying so hard to keep all my feelings in check, but seeing it all laid out in front of me was terrifying. She’d piled her t-shirts in a rainbow pile too. I could tell that despite the excitement she was anxious. Her OCD was playing up like it always did when she was stressing about something.

Most parents would be over the moon that their six-year-old was so organised and particular. Me? Not so much. It reminded me of her dad. It was like a neon sign that said Richard Was Here or Made By Richard. Why couldn’t she have been more like me?

I opened up her grey and pink ballerina suitcase and started going through her outfits one by one. I had no idea how Richard was going to cope with all the tutus she’d neatly piled on the rocking chair. I pulled a handful from her chosen ones and started folding them into the case. She did not need two purple ones and the red was far too bright, her dad would keel over and die…on second thought…

“In you go!” I scoffed as I folded the puffy skirt in half and then in half again and tucked it under her other ones. “Good luck with that, Richard.” I giggled to myself feeling a little childish and at the same time victorious.

“Mummy?”

“Holy fu—Jesus!” I swear that girl had a gift for sneaking up on people. It was like she was some kind of stealth ninja. “Pippa, what have I told you about sneaking up on me? You’re going to give me a heart attack!”

“You’re being a little dramatic, don’t you think?” She rolled her eyes as she knelt next to me on the floor. “You were talking to yourself like a crazy person.”

“I was just making a list of things we need to get for you. You can’t take all these, you know your dad isn’t a tutu fan.”

“Oh. My. God. Mum!” She growled through clenched teeth as she glared at me. “What have you done?”

“Pippa! What are you doing? I just folded those.” She scowled at me as I grabbed one of the tutus I’d packed from her hands.

“You don’t fold these! Do you not know anything?” She mumbled as she laid the skirt on the floor and rolled it neatly. “You have to do it like that so it doesn’t crease.”

“Okay, we can do that.” I took out the other skirts and helped her roll them up too. “What’s going on, sweetie? Why are you so upset?”

“I’m not. I just don’t like it when you fold my tutus. Nanny never folds them.” She took the offending items of clothing out of her suitcase again and laid them from light to dark in front of her before rearranging them neatly in the lid of the case and zipping the net across. “You’re stressing me out.”

“Now you’re just being a rude little madam.” I snapped the top of the case shut. Her shudder making me feel guilty. “Why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you?”

She rolled her eyes again as she whined, “It’s nothing.”

The affronted attitude rolling off her was so me it was frightening.

“You tell me what it is or I’m taking those tutus to the charity shop.” I circled my open hand over the discarded colourful pile of tulle next to us. “And don’t think that I won’t do it, because I will. Remember last time?”

She let out a massive huff and as her chest deflated her shoulders hunched. Her eyes focused on the floor as she whispered, “Elsie said that bad people blow up planes in America.”

I knew it was wrong to hate a child, but that little brat was the Devil. She was a nasty piece of work just like her horrible, psycho gossip of a mother. “Well, Elsie doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” If only it were okay to bitch slap sense into a child…

“She showed me and Molly on her iPad and she said that we’re going to die and that I’ll never see you again.”

“Did she now?” I pulled her onto my lap and wrapped her in my arms. I was already dreading the moment I waved her off, but now I was also thinking about the little shit’s words. “You listen to me, nothing is going to happen. I wouldn’t let you go if I thought that anything bad was going to happen. So you don’t listen to jealous little brats like Elsie.”

“But what if it does happen and I never see you again?” She looked up at me, her teary eyes wide like saucers. “Maybe I should just stay with you and Uncle Jamie.”

“Hey,” I turned her to face me on my lap so I could see her face. “Princess Pippa can’t miss the big day. You have your amazing dress and your tiara. Your daddy would be so sad. Plus, I heard you and Molly have the big task of looking after the rings. That’s a very important task to pass up.” I thumbed her tears away. My insides burning up like firewood. “I promise you that you’re going to have the best time. I bet you won’t even want to come back!”

“You promise?” She looked at me warily.

“Pinkie promise.” I lifted her hand and hooked my little finger around hers. “I thought you weren’t allowed to take phones and tablets into school?”

“You’re not.” She looked down at her lap like she’d said too much.

I tilted her face up with my finger under her chin. “Then why did she have it?”

“It wasn’t at school.” She whispered.

“What do you mean?”

“Jenna took me to Daisy’s house with Molly and Elsie was there.”

I was going to be having words with Jenna and the other two mums. I was aware that the demon child and her trolls weren’t exactly the nicest to Pippa, but this was too far. I’d listened to Richard and given them a chance to sort things out between them, now I was getting involved. I don’t care how old you are, if you mess with my child you’re going to hear from me.

“I see. Well, you don’t listen to Elsie Rodgers or her horrible little friends. You got that? Better yet, next time she shows you anything nasty on her iPad you make sure you break it.” Big mistake. I should not have said that, but I did and I couldn’t take it back. Oh well.

“Got it, mummy.”

“I love you so much.” I squeezed her to my chest as I buried my nose in her hair taking in a lungful of her soft strawberries and vanilla sugary scent.

“To the moon and back again like Little Nutbrown Hare loves Big Nutbrown Hare?”

“More than that, baby, so much more.” Which was why this whole situation was heart-breaking. My little girl was going to have a big first without me. She was going to get on a plane with her dad and I wasn’t going to be there to make sure she was sucking on her lolly as the plane took off and as it landed so her ears didn’t pop. I wasn’t going to be there to hold her hand if she got a little scared. It was hard and it was painful for me, but I had to suck it up because it wasn’t her fault. “Do you think we should go and do our last little bit of Christmas shopping? We still need to get Molly a present from you and me.”

“Can we get some gingerbread and a babycino too?” Her lips stretched into a wonderful smile as she looked up at me. “A chocolate one with the Flake on the side so I can dip it in?”

“I don’t see why not. We’ll pick up some dinner on the way home and maybe go see Uncle Jamie?” I stood awkwardly with her still attached to me like a baby chimp.

“That sounds like a good plan.” She unwrapped her legs from around my waist and pushed herself onto the floor. Her pale pink tulle skirt sticking to the top of her taupe tights with light pink hearts.

“You need to put something warmer on, it’s so cold outside.” I pulled the hairband from around my wrist and pulled her hair into a messy ponytail.

“This is ok with my glitter boots and my fur coat.” She pointed at the fluffy cream lined rose gold Doc Martens by her Converse rainbow. She’d somehow convinced her grandmother to replace the black laces with light pink satin ones. Again, nothing like me.

“Okay.” I tucked a few loose curls behind her ears. “You know you can’t wear those on your holiday? You’ll be far too hot. Maybe we should buy you some flip flops instead?”

“Oh! Can they be glittery too?”

“Whatever you want.”

I should’ve never suggested shopping. I should’ve never gone into the Christmas shop. Pippa clearly had a problem understanding human anatomy. We only had four hands between us, three really because both of hers could hardly hold the same as one of mine. Yet she was still intent on dragging me around the shops. It was a week before Christmas the West End wasn’t just busy, it was chock-a-block. The toy store had just as big a queue to leave as it did to go in. I was beginning to lose my rag with people too. Why is it that common manners went out of the window? Oh, and since when was it okay to trample a child?

I stopped in front of a trendy coffee shop and wedged the door open with my foot. “Pippa, I think we should sit and have a coffee. Maybe call for reinforcements?”

“We’ve barely bought anything.” She looked down at our hands like I was some crazy person.

“You pretty much bought out the Christmas shop. I have no idea where you’re going to hang all these ballerinas.”

“It’s going to be okay, mummy. You just have to trust me.” I actually wanted to laugh. Trust her? Who in their right mind trusted a six-year-old girl obsessed with ballerinas?

“Maybe once I’ve had a coffee.” I ushered her to the table closest to the serving counter and left her to look at all her ballerinas whilst I ordered our drinks and her Gingerbread man. The smile on her face as she looked over the ornaments was enough to make my sore hands feel renewed.

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket as I waited for our drinks to be ready. It was mid-afternoon and I felt like I was ready to call it a day. Jamie was probably just leaving the hospital. Ever since they’d brought Jack out of the coma and moved him to the normal Paediatrics ward he seemed to be in better spirits. Obviously not much had changed, but the swelling had gone down and the Chemo seemed to be working. Probably not the way he’d hoped, but some improvement is better than no improvement at all.

I picked up our tray of drinks and took it back to our table. Pippa had emptied all three bags from the Christmas shop and was now organising their contents back into them. She clearly had a feather bag and a glitter one, the other seemed to be reserved for the colourful ornaments. I put her hot chocolate in front of her with her biscuit. I was waiting for her to complain that it wasn’t a babycino, but she just kept organising her decorations.

“Come on, drink up.” I pushed the drink right under her nose and took over putting our purchases away. “Are you ready to go after this?”

“What about dinner?”

“I thought that maybe we could have a nice glitter bath and maybe even do one of those Unicorn face masks you like. We can order a Chinese and watch a film?”

She looked up at me like I’d forgotten something important. “What about Jamie?”

“Don’t you want to have a girls’ night in? Just you, me and our Mickey PJs?”

“I suppose that sounds okay.” Okay? Really? I was offering her glitter unicorn face masks and a bubble bath, and she thought it was just okay.

I was beginning to feel guilty for not being more aware. There was so much going on that I was starting to miss things, letting them slip through my fingers. That was why dating hadn’t been a thing in the last six years. And before that I’d only ever been with Richard. I’d never gotten the chance to dip my toes in different waters because most guys had been wary of Phillip. The one time I came close to even going on a date back in college my brother had managed to scare the guy off, just like Jamie had done with anyone that came sniffing around Willow and Dorian. It was the stupidest set up they had going with their network of sibling spies.

The last few weeks I’d wondered what Phillip would do if he was around. Would he react to me and Jamie the same as he had to me and Richard? He didn’t talk to us for over a month, and then he only broke his silence to threaten his friend. It was funny really because Richard had never been the type to sleep around even when we were at Uni and he was surrounded by girls. Girls never quite knew what to make of him and his quirks. It was ironic considering that after we got married he struggled to keep it in his pants. Not that I was aware, I only clocked on after everything fell to shit. At least he was careful enough not to bring any nasties home with him. I was also grateful that in the end he left me with one precious thing—Philippa.

My little girl that seemed to be not just out of sorts but completely bewildered. She looked like there was way too much going on for her to understand or even make heads or tails of. Even though I was fuming furious mad at the level of animosity in the school playground, I knew that a lot of her apprehension was stemming from the situation between me, Richard, Jamie and Jenna. Even I was having trouble getting my head around our whole dynamic. If I was an outsider looking in I wouldn’t know what to make of us because we weren’t just a dysfunctional family, we’d taken that a whole lot further. And it shouldn’t have mattered what outsiders thought or what they thought they knew, but it did. When Jamie started that conversation about making plans. About a future. It felt like the rightest thing. Natural. But as soon as I left his place and the outside world surrounded me…it was like my blinkers were removed and I could see out of our bubble.

I wanted to be with him. There was no one on this earth that knew me like him. He knew all the positives, all the faults and flaws, and he still wanted me. Not to mention that every time my eyes landed on him I wanted to do nothing more than jump his bones. I felt like a teenager all over again. But therein was the problem—we weren’t, we had responsibilities. It wasn’t just us and the future ahead. We had two kids that needed our attention and devotion. Our jobs were consuming in every possible way. It felt like there was so much pulling us in every possible direction that it made it difficult to see how we could hold us together.

I wanted to make plans with him. I wanted to be with him. But what you want and what you get are two very different things. That was something I was well versed in.

Jamie

I always found wrapping presents a waste of time. Even if my idea of wrapping was what others might consider more as scrunching paper around the gift. What can I say? Santa’s elves are busy little things. Of course, now that the girls were older I did put more effort in, or at least used more tape. There was a distinct difference between the pile that I’d wrapped and the pile that Willow and Jake had artfully done themselves. Although my pile was definitely bigger than theirs.

Quincy had dropped off her presents a couple of days ago and just like that we were a few days away from Christmas. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited. I was also shitting my pants because what was meant to be a just us and the girls day had become an us, the girls and the rest of the family day. So now we were essentially hosting Christmas for both of our families. Yep, I was definitely bricking it. Mum had an inability to keep her thoughts to herself, which meant that at some point she was bound to say something completely inappropriate to Quincy. Not that she wasn’t used to it but now that we were an item I knew that certain things would land differently in her ears, and neither of our mothers knew what reserved meant when they were together. I was definitely shitting it.

The only people missing were Jenna and Richard and that for sure was not happening, although according to Dorian it was a future possibility. I wouldn’t hold my breath on it though.

I could still hear her nagging just remember what’s best for the girls. I’m pretty sure the best wasn’t being in a room with both of your parents glaring at each other.

“Earth to Jamie? Oi, Dickhead!” Jake hollered as I just about dodged the roll of cellotape tape careening at my head.

“What the fuck? I heard you.” I reached for the tape roll and threw it back at him. “I swear to God, you’re such a fucking twat.”

He shrugged as he folded the wrapping paper flap over the side of the rectangular gift and taped it down. “Yeah, well so are you.” He put the present neatly on top of the others. “So now that Quincy’s choking your salami what’s the pla—”

“Really? You’re such an arse.” Willow snapped at him before I could even say anything. “What’s wrong with you? For such a smart guy you’re so stupid!”

“Did you hear what you just said?” He looked at her and then at me. “Plus, you know your opinion doesn’t count, right?”

“’Cause I’m a woman?”

Jake looked her up and down like he was assessing whether she was in fact a female, “No, because you’re Vegan.” He muttered in disgust. “Weirdo.”

“You’re such a prick.” She spat at him before glaring at me, “Why him? Of all the guys out there why’d you have to be friends with him?”

“You were both playing so nicely.”

He let out a loud laugh as he said, “She wishes we were playing.”

“Fuck off and die, dickwad.” She flicked her long dark braid over her shoulder. “Why do you always have to be so annoying? Is it your fucking mission in life to make everyone around you suffer? I mea—” She stopped halfway through as her eyes locked on the door behind me. “Hey!” Just like that her rant was forgotten.

“Hey.” Dorian replied from behind me. “Hi, Jamie…Jake.”

I lived for these moments. Moments in which God’s gift to women, Jacob Roth became tongue tied…around my sister. Jesus.

“Hey, Dor.” He jumped up like someone had just slapped him hard in the face.

Dor? What the fuck?

“Here let me help you with those,” he said as he took the shopping bags from her and took them into the kitchen. She shook her head as she followed after him giggling and leaving the door wide open.

“What is wrong with you two?” Willow punched the top of my shoulder knocking me off balance as I got up to close the door. “I blame you for bringing him into the family.”

I ignored her rip as I walked over to the door, stopping as Quincy’s voice came in from outside. I peered out to find her pacing up and down with her phone between her shoulder and her ear. Her arms pulled down by the heavy shopping bags. “Hey, gorgeous.” I whispered in her other ear as I took the bags from her and dropped a kiss on her head.

She smiled at me before she told whoever was down the phone, “Listen, just look into it for me. I’ll call you back tomorrow.” She ended the call and wrapped her arms around my waist as she tilted her face up to mine for a kiss. A sigh of pleasure escaping her mouth as she parted her lips to let me taste her. “Hey, babe.”

‘Who was that?” My curiosity peaked from her parting words.

She let out a deep breath, “My solicitor.” Her reply had me stopping in my tracks. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” She smiled and as I started walking again she said, “I’m looking into selling the house.”

What? She hadn’t said anything on the matter before. She loved that house. Before I could say anything she walked around me into the kitchen. It was odd. She didn’t seem at all phased by it.

I put the bags down on the breakfast bar beside Jake. He had the worst habit of sitting on counters. Considering how proper his family were he had really bad habits. I pushed him off the end as I started taking things out of the bags.

“What’s your problem?” He whinged as he picked up random bits for inspection. His nose turning up at the sausages and sausage meat.

“You’ve never even tried it.” I smacked the back of his head as he used the cucumber to push them in Dorian’s direction. I grabbed the cucumber off him and handed it to my sister who was organising the fridge. “You’re such an idiot. Who doesn’t eat bacon?”

“Jews, oh and your weirdo Vegan sister!” He looked at the doorway in disgust.

Dorian gave him a look like really? Before she turned back to the fridge and called to him over her shoulder, “Leave her alone,” like she knew what was about to happen.

Willow grabbed the long Smoked Salmon package and before he could stop her she slapped him with it right across the face as she told him, “One, I’m not Vegan. Ve-ge-ta-ri-an.” She pulled away a little and slapped his gobsmacked expression the other way as she continued, “Two, I’m not a weirdo.” He grabbed her wrists just in time before she had another chance at his face, but Willow being Willow found another way at him as she kneed him in the gut. “Three, you’re a prick.”

He stood there like he’d just found out some big mystery about the world. Her knee to his stomach not even registering. “Wait, you’re not Vegan?” He looked at me and then at Dorian who was trying her best not to burst out laughing. “All this time…you were right.”

“You should listen to me more often, like when I tell you to leave her alone.” She addressed him with the cucumber in her hand. His eyes following it around like it was a magic wand, her face flushing a gradient of red and pink.

“So as it turns out you’re the weirdo in the room because you’re the one who’s never tried bacon before.” Willow picked up her freshly poured wine courtesy of Quincy and started walking back out of the kitchen.

“It doesn’t count if it’s for religious reasons!” He called out after her.

She peered back in and said, “You’re not even a proper Jew.” And she went back to wrapping.

“She’s got a point.” Quincy said as she handed him a beer. “Once you’re done with the wrapping can you start putting the presents in the spare room?” She practically shooed him out of the kitchen. “Thanks.”

I took a sip of the beer she offered me and followed her into the larder with the rest of the shopping that needed to be put away. She put the stuff in her hands on their respective shelf and took the bread and flour from me. The way she stood on her tippy toes and stretched to put the flour on the top shelf had the hem of her dress barely covering her arse. Her black tight covered cheeks peeking at me. Sometimes it felt like I had a one-track mind when she was around. Well, I did, but I was hardly to blame.

I stepped closer to her and as I took the flour from her hand to put it on the upper shelf I brought my body completely flush with hers.

“What’re you doing?” She gasped at the contact. Her arms dropping and her hands grabbing the edge of the shelf by her waist. Her head falling back onto my shoulder as I wrapped my other arm around her.

“I’m helping.” I breathed into her ear as I cupped her cheek and turned her face towards me. Her nails digging into my forearm around her waist. I brought my lips close to hers so that they were almost touching. Her breath cushioning them as her eyes practically begged them to kiss hers. “What aren’t you telling me?”

Her gaze raked up to mine, her teeth sinking down on her bottom lip. She knew exactly what she was doing as her arse wiggled impossibly closer, waking my dick. She smiled softly as she whispered, “Nothing.”

“You didn’t mention anything about selling the house before today.” My hand cupped all the way down her neck as my thumb caressed its way down to the hollow of her throat.

“There’s nothing to tell.” She gasped as my thumb traced her skin all the way down to the V-neck of her jumper dress. Her heaving breaths making her full cleavage peek up from the line of navy cashmere. “I’m just looking into it.” She could barely get the breathy words out. “That’s all.”

I spun her to face me, her back pressing onto the shelves and my front pressing to hers as I cupped her face with both of my hands. “Why?” I was curious. Let’s be honest, not only had she never hinted at selling the house but she’d also fought Richard tooth and nail for it in their divorce. It’d been her late grandmother’s and when she’d married her dad had gifted it as his and Gwen’s wedding present to her. So it seemed strange that she all of a sudden wanted to get rid of it. Not only that, but her mother would lose her mind if she found out.

She clasped her hands around my wrists as her gaze searched mine. This had become a habit whenever we needed to make sure that we were both all in a conversation. I don’t know why, but the moment we got down to the serious nitty gritty it just happened. It was an intimate connection. I held her and she held me with both our hands and our eyes.

She sighed a soft smile, “It’s time.” She nodded as if emphasising her words. “I want a home that I can walk into and not feel pain.” Her face pinched into a grimace like she could feel it right then. “I want to be able to walk into every room and not be reminded of all the bad stuff. I have enough reminders on me,” one of her hands dropped to her belly, “I don’t need to be surrounded by them too.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Her smile got wider as she stroked my cheek. “Because this is something I have to do myself. By myself. For myself.” Her eyes traced down my face to my chest as her hand followed and splayed over my erratic heart. “I know you want to be there for me, I want that too, but this one thing…” she took a deep breath as her bright blue eyes shone with unshed tears. “This is something I need to do without you holding my hand. It’s my last goodbye to the past. It’s why I want to have Christmas here with you and the girls. I didn’t want to spend the day walking up and down that house imagining what my dead son would be doing when I have a perfectly healthy and beautiful girl that can live and breathe the moment with me.” She closed her eyes as a tear fell.

I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t even sure of whether to pull her closer to me or to just give her the current space between us.

“I know it’s hard for you, I can see the way you’re fighting your instinct to soothe me right now.” Her hand dropped to the top of my jeans, her thumb hooking through the belt loop. “This one time I don’t need you to make it better. I need to move on. I feel like I’ve spent more time grieving and hankering after a child that’s gone than enjoying the baby I do have. I don’t want Pippa to grow up competing with a ghost.” She blew out the breath in her lungs like she was freeing herself of all the pain.

“I can’t just standby whilst you’re hurting, Quincy.” It was impossible. Every fibre of my being wanted nothing more than to make her happy. To take care of her.

“I’m not asking that of you, I’m asking you to trust me to come to you when I need to. You want a future, but I can’t give you that when I’m still holding on to the past, Jamie. I can’t make plans with you and our girls thinking about Theo. He didn’t take a single breath, yet my every breath is consumed by him.” She inhaled deeply and as if to prove her point another tear rolled down her cheek. “The moment I open my eyes in the mornings I think of him, I walk past what should’ve been his room and I imagine a golden haired, brown eyed boy running out of it in the same uniform as his sister. I didn’t even realise I did that until I woke up here and I felt amazing. But the moment I opened the door to that house it was like all that crap drenched me.”

Her hand squeezed the top of my hip as her other slid down from my wrist to the crook of my elbow. Her eyes never moving from mine as she took in gulps of air. I had no idea whether her feelings were too much or whether she just wanted to stop the tears collecting in her eyes from falling again, all I knew was that I needed to hold her. And like she could read my mind she stepped closer to me until my arms had no other option but to wrap themselves around her. “That doesn’t mean it’s the house.”

“I know that. I know it’s not the house itself, it’s my memories in the house. The bad ones just seem to always dull the great ones.”

“You don’t have to sell it, it’s like a family heirloom. You can let it out, that way you’re not living in it but it’s also not leaving your family.” I’d hate to see her regret her decision one day. I understood where she was coming from, but I just didn’t believe that selling was the way to go.

“I’m just looking at my options. Maybe I’ll end up not wanting to move, but I just have this gut feeling.” She burrowed deeper into my chest. “I’ve been thinking so much about what you said, and I want nothing more than that. But I need to get all my ducks in a row and not just the physical stuff. I spend so much time thinking about the outsiders looking in that I forget about this.” She slid her hands under my t-shirt and around to my back. “This and the girls are what’s important.”

I couldn’t help but smile into her chocolate scented hair. Her words were music to my ears. The best kind.

“So, I’m going to do this house thing by myself and if it ever gets too much, I’ll make sure you’re the first person I run to. I just need you to understand that I’m not shutting you out or pushing you away.” She took a deep breath and looked up at me, “I’m not running from you or us. I’m getting my shit together for me, us and the girls.” Her smile was bright and sincere. “I love you, babe.”

“Seriously?” Of all the things she could endear me with, she’d gone with babe. Babe. Really? I did not have her pegged as a babe sort of woman.

She rolled up on her tiptoes and touched her nose to mine. “It suits you,” she shrugged as her lips traced mine.

“You’re so lucky I love you. So fucking lucky, baby cakes.” It was the opposite actually. I was lucky. I was more than lucky when it came to her. She might not be the easiest person to take care of, but she was so easy to love and more than that she loved so easily. It was second nature to her.

“Oh wow…” she slipped her hand down the front of my jeans, cupping my eager dick. “You owe me for that one. Big. Time.” She squeezed and pranced out of the larder only looking back to check me out from top to toe before sauntering off.

Quincy

I could feel his eyes on my back as I walked away. My skin felt like it was being burned by the most beautiful rays of sunshine. It was like every fibre of my being wanted nothing more than to smile and be happy. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually felt like that. It was bliss. And even though we weren’t exactly conventional, we were us. It was our very own kind of conventional. We had been friends all our lives, we had seen each other at our lowest, and we had in our own way helped each other through it. I loved him and he loved me and we loved our children. Maybe it wouldn’t be the easiest transition for them, but all that mattered was that we were honest and open with them.

“Please tell me it wasn’t on the food.” Dorian stood on the other side of the island with one hand on her hip and a glass of wine in the other. “I can live with it, as long as it wasn’t on the food.”

Jamie came up behind me, leaning over me to get his beer before settling with his front flush against my back. I could feel his semi pressing into the top of my butt crease and the curve of my lower back.

“What wasn’t on the food?” I could tell from his tone and the blatant way he ran his free hand from my waist to my hip to the top of my thigh that he was trying to rile his sister. He hunched his shoulders just enough to make it feel like he was cocooning me. The smile on my face growing as his warmth permeated through our clothes. It should’ve felt like too much in front of her. It should’ve felt awkward. But it felt amazing. It felt liberating being together in front of others.

“I’m trying so hard not to vomit right now.” She tried to grimace through her smile. “But seriously, keep that…” she circled her hand in our direction, “Away from the food. Just stay away from the kitchen until Christmas is out of the way.” She turned on her heel and left us before we could reply. Me with my nervous laugh and Jamie…

Jamie with his hand slipping back up my thigh. My dress bunching on his wrist. “What are you doing?” He was crazy. His sisters, my best friends, were in the other room and he was succeeding in getting into my pants. “Jamie—”

He leant over me and silenced me with his lips. His tongue pushing into my mouth, tasting and exploring. He took my wineglass from my hand and put it on the opposite side of the counter as his other hand slipped under the waistband of my tights and cupped the apex of my thighs. I could feel my knees buckle as his fingers massaged my pussy over the satin of my knickers. Fuck. I could feel myself flush from head to toe as my pussy clenched, begging for him. His semi now rock hard.

“You’re so fucking wet,” he pushed my underwear to the side as his fingers ran up and down my folds collecting my arousal on his fingers and spreading it up to my clit and all the way back to the bottom of my pussy. “You have no idea how badly I want to strip you down and have you kneel on the counter so I can eat you till you come on my tongue.”

Jesus. Fuck. My. Life. Christ.

I moaned as he thrust a finger inside. My breath hitching as the burning heat of the sun felt like it was running to my every extremity. His tongue thrust into my mouth mirroring the same action as his finger. His other hand twisted in my hair and pulled slightly as he slipped his finger out of my pussy and plunged back in adding another. His lips sealed tight over mine as he drank my moan. My fingers digging into the outside of his thighs as I squirmed back into him. His long and languid exhale pushing my groans back down my throat.

“I swear to God, Quincy, I’m going to fucking devour you when they leave.” He thrust his fingers deeper and higher as I cupped his erection through his jeans. “I’m going to fuck you in every fucking room…on every fucking surface, against every fucking wall, door…every-fucking-where.” My pussy clenched at his every word, urging him on.

“Just throw them out.” I breathed as his other hand cupped my face and his eyes bore in to mine. “I need you to fuck me now.” I whined as my fingers fumbled with the button and fly of his trousers.

His breath hitching as I slid my hand in his boxers. His fingers pumping harder and faster as his thumb circled my clit. Even the hairs on my head felt like they were on fire. The hand cupping my face squeezed as he ran his thumb down my nose and into my mouth. My lips closed around it as my tongue licked and swirled. His body stiffened as he let out a low growl, my thumb running across the slit of his dick and spreading his pre-cum all the way around the tip.

“I need…I need you to—”

“I’m coming in in five…four…” Jake’s voice had me pulling my hand out of his jeans in record time.

“Fuck off, Jake.” Jamie called as his fingers thrust in at the same time as his thumb pressed down on my clit. My hand wrapping around his wrist trying to stop him.

“Three. I’m coming in whether you like it or not. We need more drinks if we’re going to have to listen to you two go at it some more!”

Jamie huffed as he slipped his fingers out of my pussy. My walls clenching at the loss. “I fucking hate him some times.” He whispered into my hair as he popped his thumb out of my mouth.

“Two!”

I groaned as Jamie turned me to face him. My breath hitching as he licked his fingers clean of my arousal. His eyes burning into mine in a filthy promise of what was to come.

“Breathe, Quincy.” He murmured in my ear as I felt him tuck himself back into his boxers and do up his jeans.

“One!”

I was speechless. I wanted to jump him right there and then, Jake or no Jake. My fingers knotted in his hair as he kissed me deep and recklessly…wild. I could taste myself on his lips and on his tongue. It was hot and dirty and it made me wetter and needier for him. Our breaths heaving as he pulled my tights back into place before he sat me on the counter. My legs wrapping around his waist as my arms crossed behind his neck, holding him tightly to me.

“Ready or not, here I come!” Jake stomped into the kitchen and as I tried to pull back Jamie kissed me harder and pushed closer into me. “You could at least stop whilst I’m here.”

We pulled away from each other as Jamie gave him the finger.

“We’re ordering a Curry.” Jake casually informed us as he reached into the drinks fridge by my legs and grabbed another couple of beers as well as the opened bottle of Riesling. “Unless you want a veggie curry I’d suggest you two go put your order in with Willow.”

Fucking Willow.

I could almost hear Jamie think it at the same time as I thought it. She knew exactly what she was doing. She was meant to be my best friend, not a bloody cockblock. “I hate your fucking sister some times.”

“Now you know how I feel.” Jake said as he stood next to us as if he was waiting to escort us out of the kitchen. “Just in case you two were wondering I was told to drag you both back with me. We all know she can’t be trusted with ordering food for normal people.”

“I hate you too.” I stuck my tongue out at him as Jamie groaned in disappointment and lowered me back onto the floor.

“Don’t shoot the messenger, I personally don’t care whether or not you eat each other or the curry.” He shrugged as he topped up my glass and sauntered off still yapping, “Your sisters do.”

Jamie cocked his fingers like he was holding a gun up at Jake. “Stop winding her up, moron.” He laughed as we made our way to the lounge.

“She loves it,” Jake smirked as he walked backwards ahead of us.

“You’re deluded.”

“Quincy, I am many things but deluded isn’t one of them.” He turned and topped up Dorian’s glass as she gave Jamie and I the stink eye.

“The pair of you should be ashamed of yourselves,” she pointed at us both, “When I told you I didn’t want to know the nitty gritty, I also meant that I didn’t want to be in the vicinity of it.” She scowled at me.

“Yeah, like when my brother snuck you into his room?” Jamie slapped his hand over my mouth before I could get anything else out. At least we were quiet. I think?

“Let’s not open that can of worms.” He huffed as he sat on the sofa opposite hers bringing me down onto his lap.

“I’ve ordered by the way. You were taking too long, but against my better judgement I went with your usual.” Willow threw her phone down on the coffee table and held out her glass to Jake. “Fill me up, buttercup.” She closed her eyes like she’d just heard what she’d said. “Don’t.” She held her finger to his mouth before he had a chance to make a comeback.

It was really quite amusing watching him quite literally store his words in his cheeks like a hamster stores food. We were all waiting for them to explode out of his mouth, but it never happened. He just put the bottle back down on the coffee table and sat down next to Dorian. His smirk aimed at Jamie in an I told you so way.

It felt so normal. It was like it’d always been that way. Which it had, just that now Jamie and I were together together and if anything, it made things feel better. Dorian smiled at me as I moved myself off Jamie’s lap. Despite her scowl and her words, I could tell she was pleased. Happy for us. And that made things even sweeter because it was one less person that we had to worry about.

I checked my phone to make sure everything was okay. It was a habit that with time had become a compulsion. I knew that if there were no messages on my screen that Pippa was fine and if she was happy, everything else was great. Even if I was a little disappointed that she wasn’t here with us. I’d agreed with Jenna that she could stay with them till Christmas day seeing as they were all doing the last bit of prep for the wedding and their travel. In a way it was sad, but at the same time it felt so good that we were all actively trying to get along and make things easier for one another. Obviously, I still wasn’t comfortable with the idea of my daughter being so far from me, but I also knew that there would come a day when Richard would have to do the same. The whole situation had opened up new chances to build new memories in different places.

“Everything okay?” Jamie asked as he tucked my hair behind my ear. The feel of his fingers brushing my cheek making me smile as I replied, “Fine. Everything’s fine.”

He smiled down at me brightly as I put my phone down on the table. The sound of Willow and Jake going at it again making me laugh. They were as bad as one another. He loved to annoy her and she loved to hate him…in a sweet kind of way.

“Right, before Daniel gets here we need to put all the presents away.” Jamie stood, nodding at Jake to follow him.

“Mum said she’s not coming anymore. Apparently, dad ruined her chestnuts so she needs to go and get some more so she can start prepping them.” Dorian rolled her eyes.

“So, what’s happening with Daniel?” Jamie stopped to look at her.

“She’s going to keep him overnight.” She smiled brightly before she added, “Why do you think I’m being frivolous with the wine?” As if to make a point she tipped the remnants of the bottle into her glass. “Also, please don’t let her cook the turkey this year. She always manages to make it dry.”

“We managed to convince her to let Jamie do it, although I think she might love me a little less after our chat.”

“Quincy, shut up, mum couldn’t love you more if she’d popped you out herself.” Willow plopped herself next to me. “Not that it affects me, but are you really letting him…” she pointed at Jamie, “Cook the meat?”

“Listen you, I can cook.”

“He cooks better than me.” It was true, Jamie was a better cook than me.

Dorian laughed as she took a freshly opened bottle of wine from Jake. “Stop trying to get me drunk.” She topped herself up before offering us the bottle.

“Stop trying to get my girlfriend drunk!” Jamie snatched the bottle from her and topped up Willow.

You could hear a pin drop in the silence. My heart thrummed lively in my chest as I looked over at Dorian and then Willow. Their eyes wide like something major had just happened. Had it? We hadn’t exactly put a label on us, but it just seemed obvious. We were together. We’d discussed it and we were in a relationship. Girlfriend? It sounded so freakishly sweet and juvenile. I hadn’t been a girlfriend in years.

I looked up at him as he looked at the three other people in the room. His cheeks flushing with colour as his eyes went wide with the dawn of realisation of what he’d just said.

“What?” He topped up my glass a fraction like he was trying to draw focus to something else.

“Nothing!” Both Willow and Dorian replied too quickly as he put the bottle down on the table.

“Amateurs.” Jake rolled his eyes at the pair of them before thwacking Jamie on the shoulder and sauntering off towards the bedrooms.

Jamie followed after him looking back over his shoulder at me. Confusion over what had really just happened on his face and the whole time I tried to rein in my smile. My jaw actually hurt from trying to hold it in. Dorian and Willow were still quietly watching him walk away as we caught the conversation between him and Jake.

“Did you seriously just piss on her?”

“What?”

“You threw the G-bomb. You’re knocking on forty and you just vomited the G-bomb.”

“Wha—G-bomb?”

“Are you that fucking clueless? You marked her in front of your sisters. Girlfriend? Really?”

“Fuck off, bellend! Oh, and I’m not knocking on forty.”

“You’re past thirty-five, mate, you’re more than knocking.”

“You realise that you’re older than me, right?”

“Yeah, but I also look better and younger than you.”

“How do you lie to yourself?”

“I don’t. Anyway, what now? Are you going to hold her hand and skip down the road? Or are you going to share a Happy Meal?”

“I fucking hate you.”

“I’m just saying. Girlfriend seems so…so…sweet and cute. Awwww…”

I looked up at Dorian who stood facing the stairs with a what the actual fuck look on her face. To be fair if I fancied Jake I’d be thinking the same thing. I still couldn’t get over the fact that she was majorly attracted to him. He was so different from all the other serious types she normally went for. I’d expect it from Willow, she had a thing for twats, but Dorian?

Although, Jake wasn’t exactly a twat. He just had his moments, a lot of them, but in all fairness he was sweet and loyal. He also didn’t take any shit from anyone. In all the years I’d known him, he’d always been a good friend to Jamie. To all of us actually.

“Wow.” She turned to look at me. Her brows hitched like I’d been withholding from her. “Wow. He girlfriended you?”

“What?”

“Jamie and Quincy sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g…”

“Shut up, Willow!” I covered her mouth with my hand as she carried on, her words wet and muffled in my hand. “You’re such a child sometimes.”

“That’s the point.” Dorian sat next to me where Jamie had been. Her manicured hand wrapping around the neck of the bottle as she filled my glass. “Just so we’re clear, just because he marked you it doesn’t mean you actually have to oblige him when he makes ridiculous requests like for example that you don’t get drunk.”

“I don’t want to get drunk.” I deftly poured part of the top-up into her glass. “Unlike you I have work tomorrow and then I have dinner prep. Jamie is driving me insane with his checklists and food timing schedules.”

“Well, you are his girlfriend and all.” Willow clinked her glass with Dorian’s as they both looked at me.

I blew out a deep breath. “It sounds so childish.” I whined through my smile. “But it makes me feel all giddy and just aaah!”

They both burst out laughing like I was some award winning comedian. It was true though, it may sound silly and childish but it made me all fuzzy inside. I felt like a fresh hot water bottle had been put in my chest and it was just spreading warmth all around my body, heart and my soul. It was the most amazing feeling. And it wasn’t the label, it was the fact that he’d put it out there like it was the most natural thing. Like it was so obvious it was staring us in the face.

“If you’re going to be that soppy I need to drink more.” Dorian wrapped her arm around my shoulders and squeezed as she took a healthy swig of her wine.

“You know I love you, but maybe you should take it slow.” I took her glass from her.

“Unless you want to get pricked by the prick.” Dorian and I looked at Willow as she shrugged, “What?”

“Sometimes I wonder how we came from the same womb.” She snatched her glass back from me as she looked at Willow in disgust.

“You needed to be balanced out.”

“The point is you probably don’t want to get sloshed with him around. We’re just sticking to what you made us promise.”

“Jake…he…I…he’s not so bad…” She dropped her head back on the sofa with a long sigh.

“Are you listening to yourself?” Willow reached across and lightly smacked her forehead. “He’s such an idiot. He does my fucking head in every time he opens his mouth.”

“Stop acting like you don’t enjoy his banter. You’re as bad as him.”

“You can’t say I’m as bad as him just because I give as good as I get.”

“Let’s not make any brash decisions. I understand that you’re verging on the desperate side of things but let’s not be hasty here. He would never let you forget it.”

“It’s alright for you.” She tilted her head up enough to take another generous swig of her wine. “Who says I’m desperate?”

Willow moved to sit on the coffee table in front of us. “Aren’t you?”

“No.”

“Who’s been withholding now?” I tugged a strand of her hair.

“Stop it!” She smacked my hand away. “I’m not withholding, I’m just not desperate. There’s a reason vibrators were invented…”

She took a large gulp of her wine as a deep blush warmed her cheeks.

“Now you’re beginning to sound like her.” I pointed at Willow who actually looked horrified. “No offence.”

“I don’t sound like that and I am definitely a real cock over fake dick kind of person.”

“Because you’re the female version of your favourite person.”

She gasped as she locked her gaze on me. “I. Am. Not. A. Whore.”

“Relax, I didn’t say you are. You’re just very open to new experiences with different people.”

“You’re a whore.” Dorian shrugged.

“She’s not.” I berated her as I twisted back to Willow. “You’re not.”

“Am I a slut?” She looked at me in question. I wouldn’t say she was a slut per se. She just liked to explore her sexuality. “Oh my God, I’m a slut.”

“Don’t be stupid, you haven’t slept around that much.”

“Hasn’t she?”

“You know your number, right?”

“My number?”

“She means how many people you’ve woohooed with.”

“No.” She squinted like she was trying to count in her head. “Maybe six?”

Dorian and I looked at each other and then at her. “Six?”

“Yeah.”

“What about toothy Mark and that other guy with the weird paedo lisp?”

“I haven’t seen Mark since we finished working together and Hamish and I never actually slept together.”

“I remember Hamish, he tried to feed me haggis. I remember that idiot very well and he did not have a lisp. Lisp guy had that weird Lovely Bones moustache and those super trendy but nonetheless revolting wire frame glasses.”

“Oh, you mean Andrew. Yeah, I didn’t sleep with him either. He tried so hard but he just made feel all ugh.” She shivered. “And I met him through Lucy before she went off to the States, so yeah, he was a long time ago.”

So when you say six what do you mean?” I asked.

“I mean in the last couple of months or so I’ve had sex with six men.” She paused allowing her words to sink in. “Is that a lot?”

“Well, it’s more than most.” Dorian patted her knee. “If you’re Quincy here, you may as well have slept with the whole world.”

“Why are we comparing her to me?”

“Because you may as well have had an immaculate conception.”

Willow snort laughed into her glass as her mouthful of wine spurted all over us.

“Look, the point is you’re not a slut.”

“Nope, just a whore!” Dorian clinked their glasses. “Maybe I should take a page out of your book and just slut it up with you.”

Willow and I laughed as Dorian downed the rest of her glass. How was she not drunk yet? I felt tipsy just watching her knock the wine back. She put the empty glass on the coffee table and leaned into me until her head was on my lap and her legs were over the arm of the sofa.

She sighed as she looked up at me, her smile fading as she pulled the ring Phillip had given her off her finger and stared at it before slipping it back on.

“I miss him too.” I stroked her hair lightly. She looked up at me with wide eyes like she’d been caught with her hand in the biscuit tin. “I’m assuming that’s where all this is coming from?”

She sighed. “Sometimes I hate him, but most of the time I miss him.” She twisted the ring she’d moved to her other hand. “But, I am also genuinely horny.” Her eyes opened wide at the sound of the buzzer and she smiled brightly up at me.

Jamie

Waking up Christmas morning with Quincy was the best present I could’ve wished for. Yes, I was still a bit peeved that the girls weren’t here to start the day with us, but I wasn’t going to let that resentment stop me from enjoying every moment with the very naked woman next to me. It’s funny how there’s this massive thing about cuddling and waking up wrapped in each other, but the reality was that it very rarely happened. She loved her space. I’d come to learn that she had sleeping stages.

First she’d cuddle and as she started to get to the point of dozing off she’d kick the duvet over so that her legs were out. It was the most annoying thing because half way through the night her bit of duvet would get caught around my legs and I’d have to get up and sort it or she’d kick it all off my legs and I’d wake up cold. Then once she was in deep sleep she had this breathy snore thing going on and that’s when she’d roll over with her back to me. And if I even tried to spoon her she’d mumble until I’d moved away enough so that my body heat wasn’t mingling with hers. That part I actually didn’t mind because I had my own position that was most comfortable and cuddling her would make it impossible for me to sleep properly. Then as she gradually woke up she started to inch closer to me. First her cold feet would slip between my ankles and calves, then she’d start wriggling herself backwards gradually until her bottom was reacquainted with my groin—hello, morning glory—and once her back was completely flush to my front it was only then that I could cuddle her without any of her mumbles. Well, not the get off me kind anyway.

She tensed her bum cheeks as I wrapped my arms around her. Her hum of satisfaction as my erection snuggled into her crease letting me know exactly what she was after. Me. I could hear her smile in the way she sighed. Her hands holding onto my forearms as she hitched her leg backwards over mine.

“How am I naked and you’re not?” She whispered as she tilted her head back onto my shoulder.

“I don’t know.”

She hooked her thumbs into the sides of my boxers and pulled them down just enough to free my cock. “I’m sorry I was late last night.”

Her hand wrapped around my length and she pumped slowly until I groaned in her ear, “I love your hands.”

“Is that all?” She asked as she turned in my arms, her hand leaving my dick.

“Is that all you love?” She reiterated as her leg hooked over my hip and her hands paused on my chest. Her thumbs strumming over my hardened nipples.

She squirmed as I ran my hands down the curve of her back to the top of her arse.

“No.” I breathed in her ear as I squeezed. “I love your derrière.”

She sighed as I gave it another squeeze, this time a little harder.

“And?” She wriggled closer to me so that my dick nuzzled between her legs. Her gasp as my shaft pressed on her clit breathy.

“And…” I ran my fingers around her slender thigh all the way to where our bodies met. “This.” I said slowly as my fingers swept through her pussy, my cock pulsing with the feel of my fingers stroking along the tip at the same time.

I brought them between our lips and swept them over hers before taking both digits into my mouth. Her eyes widened and her pupils ate at the bright blue of her irises as I slid them back out, tasting her arousal. Her breathing hitched and her leg wrapped tighter around me.

“I love the way you taste.” I licked her lips.

Her cleavage pushed against my chest as her breathing got heavier. Her nails biting into my flesh as she pushed me onto my back and her thighs straddled my hips. She touched her lips to mine in a deep and desperate kiss. Even if I couldn’t feel how wet she was, her kiss and her uncontrolled breaths would have told me. She trailed wet kisses down my jaw and my neck, all the way down my chest as she slid down my body. Her back arching as her arse lifted.

That image right there would be forever imprinted on my brain. Her eyes on mine as her lips moved down my body. Arse up in the air. It was perfect, and it was making my dick hurt with the need to show her just how much I loved her.

“What else?” She breathed as her mouth reached my groin. Her lips barely touching the tip of my cock. Her warm breath bathing my hot skin. “Tell me what else you love, Jamie.”

She licked across her bottom lip, her tongue skimming across the head of my cock. Her hands sliding down my torso.

Her mouth. That’s what else I loved, and she knew it. She knew that I loved everything about her, but the whole point of her question was to make me beg. I could tell from the cunning glint in her eyes. She wanted to play, but as she licked along my tip once again, this time pumping my shaft torturously slow, I knew I’d lost.

Her eyes skimmed deliberately and lazily up my body until they met mine again.

“What. Else. Babe?” Her finger circled my slit and swept down and around making my cock throb in her hand.

“Your mouth.” I breathed, giving her what she wanted. She sighed and smiled before she licked her lips and took me into her mouth. “Fuck, Quincy. I love your tongue and your lips.” Her tongue swirled around the tip of my cock as she took me deeper into her soft, warm mouth.

I could feel myself get harder the deeper and faster she pumped with her plump lips and her hand. Her hums vibrating down my shaft to my balls as her other hand squeezed the side of my glute. I could feel the warmth radiate to my extremities as I fisted her hair, slowing her down. She looked up at me in question.

“Too fucking good.” I just about managed to say as I grabbed the top of her arms and pulled her up my body. I flipped us over so she was pinned under me.

“I was enjoying that.” She smiled.

“So was I.” I dropped my lips to hers, tasting myself on her.

My hand tangled in her hair as I braced myself on my forearm, my other hand roving down her body to her pussy.

“I need inside you now.” I breathed into her neck as I thrust two fingers into her wet heat.

“Oh, Jee-sus.” Her moan was loud and husky. Her nails digging into my back as I removed my fingers and guided my dick to her opening. “Oh fuck. Please.”

I thrust deep into her in one stroke. Her back arched into me as her arms stretched over her head. She looked so beautiful lost to the moment. Her cheeks were flushed in a deep glowing blush and her skin was slightly dewy from our intimacy. I’d never seen anything as stunning as she was in that moment. Her moans became louder and breathier as her hands clutched at the pillows with every thrust. Our hearts thrumming into each other and her pussy clenching around me as she found her release. Her legs tightened around me, her heels digging into my arse cheeks pushing me deeper until I followed her into utter bliss.

There was a moment of peaceful, breathy and unmoving silence. Just the static of the air particles vibrating around each other as our hearts continued thrumming in contentment.

Her hands stroked up my back to my hair. Her fingers twisting and winding.

“I love you.” She hummed in my ear as I laid limply on her, completely unable to reply or move.

It was odd having everyone in my space. I liked it. It felt warm and cosy. Quincy had put Christmas Carols on in the background as everyone was milling about helping themselves to brunch. Dorian was already in the kitchen peeling the veggies and Willow was pacing by the front door waiting for the girls to arrive. Richard had called us to let us know they were running late because Jenna wasn’t feeling one hundred percent. It probably should’ve pissed me off, but it didn’t. I couldn’t wait for Molly and Pippa to actually get here and open their presents. I’d already asked Willow to sit down and relax a few times but she was having none of it. Anyone would’ve thought she was waiting for her kids.

Mum and dad were talking away to Gwen and Liam about their plans for the rest of the festivities. I honestly thought that both our mothers together would talk of nothing other than us, but they seemed to be on their best behaviour. Small mercies.

Looking around filled me with utter joy. Quincy was laying on the floor her legs swinging in the air as she played Snakes and Ladders with Daniel. That was her, always around the kids. She looked so happy and carefree. It was bizarre, I couldn’t remember a time since I’d left for the States where she was just her. No sadness. No worries. No regrets. Nothing but her. I took my phone out and sneaked a photo of her. I’d look at it every day to remind me to make her look like that all the time.

She looked up at me with her face scrunched up in a smiley scowl. “What?” She mouthed.

I shook my head as I smiled at her. Daniel looking between us as he shoved the last bit of his Nutella smothered toast in his mouth. He laughed as he wiggled his fingers in her face blobbing chocolate on her cheek, delighting when she swiped it off with her finger and made a show of licking it off. Her eyes briefly locking on mine in silent innuendo.

“Are you going to sit there all day and ogle the poor girl?” Mum sat next to me on the arm of the sofa.

I smiled at her as she elbowed my shoulder lightly. “I’m not ogling.”

“James Frederick Anson, you are an ogler.”

“Am not.”

“Are too, and I don’t blame you one single bit.” Her hand rested on mine on my knee and she squeezed. “I’m so relieved that you’re finally happy. I wish both of you would’ve just cut out all that time of pretence and avoidance. You’ve loved that girl since the moment you laid eyes on her, we could barely pry you away from her even though you had Willow and Dorian at home.”

“That just sounds wrong.”

“Don’t be so absurd. You know what I mean. There are different kinds of love, Jamie. But the deepest kind is the one that grows and evolves. You have that with her.” She twisted toward me as she held my jaw. Her eyes narrowing like she was looking for something. “Quincy is like one of you to me.”

“I know.” Was she trying to warn me?

“Good. Don’t you dare mess it up.” Oh, wow. My own mother was giving me the talk. “Take good care of her, don’t neglect her—”

“Mum.”

“I’m just making sure you understand what you have, that’s all. I’ve watched you pining after her since before you even knew what it really meant that she was a girl and you weren’t. Just…” She dropped her hand from my chin and smiled softly at me.

I appreciated what she was saying, but at the same time it seemed so odd that she was the one saying it. I’d expected it from Gwen, not my mother.

She stood and took a step toward where Daniel and Quincy were still playing their game and then she stopped and turned back to me with a quizzical look on her face. “And where is my grandbaby?”

“They’ll be here soon.”

“Oh, goody.” She smiled and rubbed her palms together as she wandered over to Quincy.

I watched as they both chatted for a while before the buzzer went off and Quincy raced to the door. The skirt of her deep red dress lifting slightly in her rush. And just like that the mood went from relaxed to excited. It was like everyone had been waiting on the girls. Daniel had already sat himself by the tree. He was itching to get his hands on his presents. Willow already had the door open tapping her toes impatiently as she and Quincy waited for the lift to come up. Dorian stood in the doorway of the kitchen wiping her hands on a tea towel. I suspected she was hoping it was more than just the girls turning up.

Quincy

The moment the doors for the lift opened and Pippa ran at me was bliss. I missed her more than anything and although I completely understood why they were late, I was still antsy to see my baby. To smother her with all the affection I hadn’t been able to give her the last couple of days. It was a good thing I’d been working and that Jamie was around to distract me.

Pippa squeezed her arms around my neck, almost choking me with her cuddle as her legs wrapped around my waist. It was obvious she’d stayed at her dad’s. She was wearing a red poufy monstrosity that was better suited for a baby than a six-year-old. I’d hate to think how long it took them to get her to actually put it on.

“You okay, baby?” She nodded into my neck and I squeezed her a little more before she hopped down and tackled Willow. The pair of them together were insufferable.

Jamie had already taken a couple of the bags Richard and Jenna had brought with them inside. Willow and the girls were probably already ripping wrapping paper to shreds in the lounge. In all the excitement I hadn’t even noticed Edith standing behind Richard and a very fed up looking Jenna. She did not look well at all. Her bump had come along nicely. Considering she was past the halfway mark her figure was really rather tidy.

“Would you like to come in? Have a drink. The girls are going to open their presents now, maybe you’d like to stay for that?” I had no idea what came over me. Why was I always so bad at awkward situations?

I gave Jenna an awkward smile to match hers. She looked over at Richard and Richard looked at me before looking over his shoulder at his mother.

“Is that ok?” Jenna asked, her hands nervously rubbing her little bump as she cradled it. I’d forgotten how much difference a couple of months can make.

“Yes.” I shook my head as I moved aside holding the door open as she walked in followed by Edith and Richard.

“Hello, Quincy.” His mother stooped down a little to greet me with two over the top air kisses. Much like Richard she was tall, and she always wore heels.

I pulled back from her. “Hi.”

She looked me up and down a couple of times before smiling, “You look lovely, dear.” Richard ushered her further along. He knew his mother and I were barely amicable.

“I need to talk to you about something.” He said as he stopped beside me. “Do you have a moment?”

I could feel myself getting anxious, my hands getting clammy. What was going on now?

“Sure.” I closed the door and leaned back into it.

He smiled at me warily.

Oh boy, not today…please?

“Well, with the trip coming up and what with Pippa and Molly going back and forth, Jenna and I thought it’d be a good idea to give them each a phone.”

A phone? Who gives a six-year-old a phone?

“Right.”

“I know we should’ve spoken to you and Jamie…”

You think?

“It was a last minute thing and with Jenna not being well and you know how my mother gets.” His face was getting redder by the second. He actually looked like he was about to stroke out. “I’m sorry, Quincy. There’s just so much going on.”

“Look, Richard, I appreciate that. I do, and I completely understand what Edith is like.” I think I actually felt myself wince at my own words. I was trying so hard to think before I spoke. “I understand that better than most, but this is something we should’ve sat down and spoken about. I don’t know how I feel about our six-year-old having a phone. Do you know how dangerous those things are? Does it have the internet? What phone is it?”

“We just went with the bog standard iPhone. Jenna didn’t want to get them a used one because she felt it was safer to give them brand new ones. I’ve installed a parental control app that stops them from having access to the internet. I thought that if you could call her at any time that it would make things easier for you.”

“I can call you. You told me she was going to be with either you or Jenna, if not both of you the whole time.” I was trying desperately to dampen down my anxiety, but I could feel myself begin to panic.

“You call her every day at least twice a day when we have her. I thought that it would make it easier for you. It’s not that she won’t be with us. I swear I was thinking of making it easier for you. There’s that app that allows you to trace her wherever she is. I just…”

I took a deep breath feeling his own panic. “Richard, I’m not happy about it. But I can see the thought behind it and I thank you for being so thoughtful towards me. I assume you’ve already given it to them?” He nodded. “So, it’s a moot point having an argument about it. If you’re one hundred percent sure that it’s safe, I’m going to try to be okay with it. I can see you’re having a rough time, so I’m going to put it all down to a lapse in judgement. I won’t let anything else slide. You can’t make decisions in her regard without me. I’m her mother, you talk to me even if you and Jenna are on the same page.”

“I know and I promise I won’t let it happen again.”

I pushed away from the door as Jamie walked towards us. “He’s not going to be happy about it either. Let me talk to him, I really don’t want anything to spoil today.”

Richard nodded as he walked towards the lounge.

“Jamie.” He murmured in greeting as they crossed paths. My insides turning as I thought about all the possible bad outcomes of what telling Jamie would be.

“That looked serious.”

“It was.” I linked my fingers through his. “Don’t go mad.”

“Oh God, what now?” His head tilted back as he looked up at the ceiling in exasperation. “What’s he done?”

“They’ve given the girls phones for Christmas.” I paused for a second and then continued at a hundred miles an hour. “I know you’re probably not a fan of that, but I genuinely believe that it was a gesture of good will for being on-board with the whole wedding thing.” I could see every single inch of him tense. “They thought it’d be a good way for us to be able to contact the girls whenever we like, and it’s got an app that allows us to trace them…”

He blew out a deep breath, his eyes meeting mine. “Is that how he sold it to you? Because if it was then we have a bigger problem, the deal was that the girls would not leave their sight the whole time. Giving them a phone just makes them a target. What if someone hurts them because of the fucking phones? Did you think of that?”

“Look, they’ve given the girls the phones, taking them back is only going to upset them and make us look bad—”

“You think I give a fuck about looking bad?” He snatched his hand from mine and started pacing back and forth. “I couldn’t give a rat’s arse about how I look. A phone is a big responsibility. They’re dangerous. Do you realise what giving them a phone means?”

“Jamie…”

“I’ll take that as a no, then.” He turned toward me, his arms spread. “Let me tell you, Quincy. Right now we can protect them. They can’t make plans without us. They can’t communicate with outsiders without us. The minute they learn the freedom a phone gives them, that’s it. We can only hope that they’re open with us to tell us what’s going on. They’re six. Six, Quincy.”

“You think I don’t know that? What? Am I fucking stupid all of a sudden?” I was trying so hard to keep my voice down.

“Are you?” He snapped.

“Now you’re just being a wanker.” I started walking past him. I could feel myself shake with how angry he was making me feel. That kind of lash out angry that just makes you grit your teeth and cry when you hold it in. I probably should’ve just left him to it. Walked away, but I couldn’t. “Don’t ruin today. If you can’t find a way of sticking a smile on your face and calming down, I promise you I’ll take my daughter and go. I have a little over a day to spend with her until the new year. I won’t let you ruin it for me or for her.”

He spun towards me, his face impassive. “You want to leave?” He took a step to the side, “There’s the door.”

I didn’t bother replying, it was pointless. He was angry, and until he calmed down there was no use trying to get through to him. I didn’t want to leave and I wasn’t going to. I refused to make a mess of today. It wasn’t just mine or his Christmas, it was everyone’s and I wasn’t about to let him shit on it just because he couldn’t rein himself in.

I managed to walk past the lounge without drawing attention to myself. I was going to sort myself out and then carry on with the day. The kids must’ve been dying to open their presents.

I’d almost made it to the bedroom before I heard the retching from the toilet. I can’t explain it, it was one of those times where my heart stopped and started and a cold sweat made me shiver. I already knew who it was before I even knocked.

“Just a second.”

I tried opening the door but it was locked from the inside. “Jenna, let me in.”

“I’m okay.” I could hear the nasal quality of her voice like she was crying. I knocked a little harder. “Open the door.”

It was all quiet for a moment. No shuffling. Nothing. I was just about to knock again when the lock clicked and a very pale Jenna appeared through the crack of the opening door. Her hair was stuck to her face and her eyes were rimmed red.

It hit me just like that. The buzz of jumping in and taking control kicked in.

“I’m fine, it’s ju—”

“You’re not fine.” I grabbed her hand and took her into the en-suite in Jamie’s room. I fetched my hospital bag from the dressing room before I sat her down on the loo and looked her over. I already had my suspicions, but I didn’t want to say anything unless I was sure. I was a little surprised that Richard hadn’t picked up on it to be honest.

“Alright, this is what we’re going to do. I’m going to take your blood pressure and then you’re going to pee in this cup.” I grabbed Jamie’s glass from the vanity.

Karma was a pissy cup on that particular occasion.

“I’ve got a bug, that’s all, Quincy. I’ve felt it coming on for days.”

“Trust me, it’s better to be safe than sorry.” The look on her face changed from one second to the next. Her expression went from worried to panicked. “I’m going to ask you some questions and I’m going to need you to answer them honestly. Do you understand?”

She nodded once before she started retching again. I grabbed the bin from the corner and took out the bag that had a few cotton buds and flossing string before I handed it to her.

“I’m going to check your feet and your ankles whilst you settle back down.” I crouched down in front of her and pulled up the hem of her jeans before I removed her socks. “Apart from the nausea, have you felt anything else out of the ordinary for you?” I asked as I had a good feel of her ankles.

“Not really.”

“When did your ankles start getting puffy?” Many doctors didn’t like using non-medical terms even when talking to non-medical persons, but I always felt like it put them at ease. Medical terms had that harshness and brusqueness about them that made just a simple bump sound like you were about to die. “Any headaches?”

“The swelling comes and goes. I notice it in my hands more, my ankles aren’t exactly skinny enough for me to tell all the way from up here.” She shrugged. “As for the headaches? I dunno, with the stress of the wedding and everything else, I guess I’ve had a few.”

I took the Sphygmomanometer from my bag along with the tube containing the urine test strips.

“How bad?” I took her hand and rolled up her sleeve all the way past her elbow before I wrapped the blood pressure cuff around her arm and put on my stethoscope. “Be honest.”

“Ummm…migraine bad? Is everything ok?”

I smiled at her as I carried on listening to the knocking in her brachial artery and waiting for it to disappear. “It will be.”

She relaxed a little. With my spare hand I reached into the small pocket of my bag and grabbed a pen. Scribbling her blood pressure on the back of my hand. “I’m going to need you to pee in that cup for me now. Are you okay to do it on your own or do you need help?”

“I can manage.” She handed me the empty bin as she got up slowly from the toilet.

“I’ll be just out there, call me if you need a hand.” I closed the door behind me as she murmured her thanks.

I sat on the bed as I waited for her to let me know she was done. She was taking forever. I could hear her turn the tap on and off. I was ready to go in there and squeeze her bladder until it gave me what I needed.

“Quincy?” The sound of Jamie’s voice startled me from my thoughts. “What are you doing?” He looked at me like I’d gone certifiably mad.

I stepped away from the door, I hadn’t even noticed that I’d been standing there, and turned to look at him. “Thinking.”

“I’m sorry I flew off the handle. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I was rude and you deserve better than that. Please don’t leave.”

I scowled at him, milking his remorse. “You acted like a pig-headed wanker and I should leave, if only to teach you a lesson.”

He came toward me slowly, cautiously like he was unsure of whether it was okay to touch me.

“I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” He tucked my hair behind my ear before he dropped a soft and gentle kiss on the top of my head.

The sound of the tap going on again bringing me back to the important issue at hand. “When Jenna was pregnant with Molly, did she have any problems with her blood pressure?”

“What?” He looked at me like I was barmy. “Where did that come from?”

I lifted the back of my hand right in his face so he could see the numbers I’d written clearly. “That was her blood pressure about ten minutes ago, give or take. Her ankles are puffy and she’s been vomiting and is still nauseous…”

“She’s pregnant. She was nauseous almost the whole way through with Molly.” He replied nonchalantly. “Why is she in there? There’s a perfectly go—”

“She’s had migraines and she’s been in there trying to pee in a glass for ages.” Did I have to spell it out for him? “Come on, Jamie, think!”

He looked me over perplexed. His eyes focusing on mine as he went over the information in his head. I saw it all clicking before his face dropped.

“She’s only just twenty-four weeks, Quincy.” His voice lowered to the baritone that came naturally when he went into the zone.

“Exactly. The timing, the symptoms…it all fits.”

“You can’t be wrong about that.”

“Do you think I’m wrong?”

He stood still for a moment like he was going through the information over and over in his head. “No.”

“We need to get her to the hospital and get her vitals done properly as well as a urinalysis. If I’m right, which I’m almost certain I am, there’s no way she’s making it to forty weeks. Not if she’s started this early.”

He let out a long sigh as he rubbed his hands down his face. “I’ll go get Richard.”

Jamie

I walked into the kitchen where Dorian was sat at the breakfast bar peeling potatoes with mum and Gwen. I suspected that both her and Gwen had already had a heart to heart about Phillip. Every year they’d plan out their Boxing Day visit. It was sad, but it was another way of keeping his memory alive. They never took Daniel; I suppose he was too young to take to the cemetery. I grabbed a large bottle of water from the pantry, knowing that Jenna only liked it at room temperature.

“Everything alright?” Dorian asked as I got a glass out of the cupboard. “You look flustered.”

“Yeah, fine.”

“Why are Richard and Jenna here?” She rounded the worktop as both Gwen and mum looked up at us like they wanted to ask the same thing.

I filled the pint glass with the almost tepid water. “Quincy invited them in.”

“She did what?” Gwen blurted from across the breakfast bar.

“Well, that’s awkward.” Dorian added. “Typical Quincy, really…”

I screwed the lid back on the bottle taking a moment to think before I joined in with their conversation. “Listen, can you ask Richard to go to my room?”

“That’s not making it less awkward or weird.” Her hands instantly went to her hips. “No fighting today, okay?”

“You’re a bit too late for that.” I grabbed the bottle by the cap rim and took the glass. “Jenna isn’t feeling well. Quincy’s just seeing to her, but Richard should know. Just, please…” I started walking out of the kitchen with her following behind me.

“Is she okay?”

“I don’t know. That’s why you need to get him.” I carried on walking past the lounge toward the bedroom. I figured it’d be less obvious if someone else spoke to him. I was also still fuming and stewing over the phone situation. It sounded bad that I was still thinking about it when Jenna wasn’t exactly doing great, but I couldn’t help it. I was worried about Molly’s safety. She was my priority.

Richard caught up to me just as I made it to the bedroom door. The worry on his face making me feel even worse for holding on to my anger.

“Where is she? Is she okay?”

I opened the door and stood to the side to let him in. There was something I never thought I’d be doing.

“Quincy’s seeing to her in the bathroom.” I followed him through the bedroom as he walked towards the sound of her voice.

He stopped just inside the doorway. His eyes set on Jenna as he spoke to Quincy. “What’s going on, Quincy?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.” Jenna replied quickly as Quincy looked between her and Richard and then at me.

Awkward.

The four of us in the same room.

My bathroom.

Awk—ward.

Quincy stood from the edge of the bath where my glass was still filled with a cloudy piss and crouched next to Jenna. Richard moved closer but still didn’t even try to make physical contact with the woman who was set to be his wife. I could feel my blood boil. I knew how Jenna worked. She brushed things off until it was too late. I could tell from the way her eyes were darting between the three of us that she was scared. She knew it wasn’t nothing. I almost wanted to push him closer to her hoping that he’d take the hint.

“Jenna, you know it’s not nothing.” I put the glass and the plastic bottle down on the granite vanity and crouched next to Quincy so she wouldn’t feel overwhelmed by having us stand over her. “And I know you know because you look terrified.”

“Can someone just tell me what’s going on?” Richard stepped closer to where Quincy and I were crouched even as he spoke to Jenna. “You said it was morning sickness.” His fists bunched beside him as his entire frame tensed.

Quincy twisted to look up at him. “I could be wrong. It’s not like I have much to work with here, but…”

“But?”

She took a long deep breath before she continued, “But from what I’ve seen and what Jenna’s told me I think…” She did that nervous hand fidgeting thing she did when she was feeling anxious. “I believe Jenna has Pre-Eclampsia.”

Her eyes darted over to Jenna who was trying to stand up.

“No, I don’t. I’m fine. The midwife said everything was fine.” Her eyes glassed over with tears as she spoke directly to Quincy.

And then there was silence as Richard crouched down, his hand on the cold tiled floor for support. His face stoical. I felt for him.

In that moment all the bad stuff went out of the window. The veins in the whites of his blue eyes reddened and flared.

Quincy pushed herself up with her hand on my thigh. Before she took Jenna’s hand.

“You’re wrong.” Jenna repeated at her in a sobbed whisper.

“I could be, but I don’t think I am. Your blood pressure was well over the normal threshold, you have swelling on your ankles and feet and I know for a fact that your ring wasn’t that tight on your finger less than an hour ago. That alone tells me that the likelihood of me being wrong is very unlikely.”

Her head was shaking frantically as she swiped at the petrified tears falling down her cheeks. Quincy walked her past Richard and I into the bedroom as Jenna carried on freaking out. “What about the baby? I…”

Richard was still frozen on the spot as I stood. It was one of those moments where I knew exactly what I needed to do, but I wasn’t sure how to do it. He used to be my mate, and if we were still friends I knew what I’d do.

I’d pick him up, dust him off and give him the swift kick up the arse he needed to snap out of his stupor.

“Get up, Richard.” He didn’t budge, not even a blink. “I said get the fuck up and get your act together.” I pulled him up by the shoulder of his jumper. “I’m going to get the car and then I’m going to take you both to the hospital. But you need to fix up and take care of her. She’s scared shitless and you’re not helping.”

He looked at me in a daze. His eyes darting behind me as he opened and closed his mouth like he’d lost the ability to speak. His head shaking as he whispered, “I can’t do this…”

I could’ve killed him there and then. He had the same look in his eyes as he’d had after Theo. A part of me wanted to walk away and just leave him to his cowardice, but I couldn’t. I might’ve not been his friend. I might’ve not liked him at all at that point, but I also knew that he wasn’t thinking straight. And that was enough to spur me on. “You can and you are.”

“You don’t understand.” Maybe not entirely, but I still wasn’t going to allow him to let Jenna suffer alone.

“I understand enough.” I could hear the coldness in my own words as my finger pushed into his chest. His gaze lowered to my hand. “You’re not letting her go through this alone. You’re not going to do to her what you did to Quincy.”

His breath caught and as he looked up at me all the composure he’d had unravelled as a tear snaked down his face.

“I can’t lose her or the baby, Jamie.” He whispered.

“You’re a fucking doctor. You know that she can get help and you know that there is a very good chance that both of them will come out of this unscathed. Just pull your head out of your arse for a moment and think logically.” I grabbed Jenna’s socks from the vanity and bunched them into his hand. “You don’t even know that Quincy is right.”

“Do you think she’s wrong?”

No. “That’s not the point.”

“What is, then?”

I took a deep breath to steady myself. “The point is that you need to be strong for her and for your child. I don’t think that Quincy’s wrong, but she’s not freaking out, so that tells me that she doesn’t feel like there’s a death sentence.”

His eyes widened as he swallowed my words.

“So, I’m going to get the car. You’re going to help her get ready, and you’re going to comfort her because she’s panicking. Take this,” I pulled the small paper bag from my back pocket and thrust it into his chest, “You’re going to hold her hand and when her panic attack comes, because trust me—it will, you’re going to talk her down from it and get her to breathe into the bag.” He nodded like he already didn’t know what to do. “Then you’re going to take her into the other room and make sure that she gets to give our daughter a hug and tell her that you’re going to go home now.” I felt like such a condescending prick.

“What about mum?” The panic flared in his eyes again.

“I’ll deal with her later. You focus on your woman and your child and nothing else. You hear me?”

He nodded.

“Quincy’s going to call the hospital and tell them we’re coming in. She’ll have whichever Obstetrician is on call ready and waiting. Now, get yourself together and get your arse out there.”

He took a deep breath as he turned to the vanity. He picked up the glass of water and downed it before he washed his face.

I walked out of the bathroom to find Quincy already on the phone relaying all the information. Jenna was sat in the chair between Quincy’s side of the bed and the window. Her face was blotchy with mascara smears and tear tracks; her teary hiccups were still going as she listened to what Quincy was saying down the phone and the noise from the kids playing down the hall.

I grabbed my digital monitor from my bag by the small dresser and the packet of make-up wipes on top of it.

I really hoped Richard would comfort her. She had that deer in the headlights look about her that just made me feel so very sorry for her. She sighed and looked up at me when I picked up her hand from the arm of the chair. She took the wipes with the other.

I smiled at her as I threaded her arm through the inflatable cuff and tightened it around her upper arm. It hit me that I actually hadn’t checked it for myself. I trusted Quincy, but it’d been almost an hour since she’d last checked. I sat on the window ledge bringing her arm down with me to make her more comfortable before I pressed the start button.

I continued listening to Quincy in the background as I watched the small monitor attached to the cuff.

“He’s leaving me, right?” She sobbed. Her eyes puffy and red.

I contemplated not answering but as I thought about it I watched as her pulse reading began to spike even more. “No, he’s just scared.”

“Me too. I can’t do this alone.”

“You’re not. He just needs a minute to get his thoughts together.” I swiped her hair away from her cheek.

Her eyes rounded as she looked up at me like that one touch was her saving grace.

I glanced up as Quincy stopped beside us, her eyes going from me to Jenna and down to where her cheek was still in my hand. I smiled up at her but her gaze dropped to the floor as she sighed. Her brows were drawn in and her lips pinched. I had the urge to pull her closer to me as she shook her head and walked to the foot of the bed where she started pacing. Her phone still stuck to her ear. From the way her shoulders were slumped I could tell that she wasn’t doing too well.

I lowered my hand from Jenna’s cheek feeling a little stupid for even touching her like that. But it was instinct. It didn’t mean anything, it was just…I don’t know, it just happened.

“You need to try and relax a little. Calm down.”

Her heart rate had risen, but I was sure that was mostly down to her anxiety.

“I’m trying.”

“Do you want to see Molly?”

“Not like this. I can’t let her see me like this.”

“Exactly, so you’re going to have to clean yourself up a bit.” I stood as Quincy approached us again. Her hands clutching the tan leather straps of her large navy overnight bag.

She dropped it on the bed with a huff and started to go through it. For a moment there I thought that she was leaving. I don’t know why, but it made me panic after the look on her face. She took out a few items and held them out to Jenna.

“You’ll be better off wearing something more comfortable. They’re going to have to hook you up to the baby monitor and I asked Sam, Ms. Sterling, that they do an ECG, so you’ll want something loose.”

Sam? Why Sam?

Jenna looked up at her with wide eyes, her silence making Quincy fidget on the spot.

“You don’t have to change. I just thought that you might be more comfortable, but they’ll probably give you a gown when you get there anyway…” she stopped as Jenna took the clothes from her with a “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Oh, here,” Quincy pulled a hairband from her wrist, she constantly wore one like a bracelet, and handed it to her as well. “I don’t have any new ones.”

“This is fine.” Jenna pulled her hair off her face and twisted it into a knot on top of her head. Her eyes lifting over Quincy’s shoulder as Richard approached.

I moved out of the way as Quincy grabbed her bag from the bed and took it back into the dressing room.

“We’ll just let you get changed.” I walked over to the door and waited for Quincy as I held it open. “If you need anything…”

Richard sat on the window ledge beside the chair. “Just a lift to the hospital, I can take it from here.”

I closed the door as I followed Quincy out of our room. This was not the Christmas we had planned. We should’ve been drinking wine and fawning over the turkey…and the kids. I was desperate and excited to give her my present. A part of me was also bricking it, because as well as I knew Quincy—better than I knew myself, for the most part—I also knew she was unpredictable. And after this morning I knew she was on edge. I could feel the tension coming off her as she sashayed in front of me.

She stopped short of the lounge and turned toward me as she released a long breathy sigh. Her eyes searching my face as she chewed on her lip. She looked contrite and intent as she stood straight and tipped her face up just enough that our gazes were square.

“Don’t ever touch her, or anyone else, like that again.” She stepped closer to me and brought my hand to her face as her expression softened, “This touch is mine. No one else’s.”

I was speechless. Of all things I’d expected her to say, that wasn’t it. She never ceased to amaze or surprise me. And if anything it just made me realise that I didn’t care about any of the past. The only thing I cared about was her, our girls and our future.

I pulled her as close as she could get with my free hand. Her grip tightening on the hand she was still clutching to her cheek. Nuzzling into it. Her chest touched mine as I picked her up and set her on my feet. I ran my hand from her waist up to her jaw before I cupped her other cheek. Tilting her face up to mine as I kissed her soft lips.

“No one but you, Quincy.”

Quincy

I watched as Jamie paced outside the room. Back and forth. Back and forth. I’d told him to go home. The girls had been devastated when all four of us left. Thank God for Jake and Willow. The pair of them had just about managed to distract them enough for us to leave without any waterworks. Poor Dorian was spending the day in the kitchen doing most of the cooking even though she’d just volunteered to do the peeling. The whole day had just gone to shit.

I listened as Sam discussed the plan of action with Jenna. I could see Richard itching to say something, but any time he opened his mouth Jenna would squeeze his hand until he shut it. I could’ve high-fived her for it after the way he’d reacted back at the apartment. Jamie had told me not worry when I asked him what happened after I took her out of the bathroom. I had a feeling it wasn’t good, so I didn’t press.

I could tell that Sam was being optimistic whenever she spoke of Jenna going full term. I’d seen it before when we’d shared cases. The fact that she was nonplussed about me being in the room told me that she wasn’t hopeful of any of the possible outcomes for Jenna or the baby. Normally she would be gritting and grinding her way through a conversation we were both privy to. The reality was that there was no love lost between the two of us. We had an ugly and sordid history thanks to Richard, and for the most part we kept out of each other’s way. Unless we were sharing a case, and to be honest it was too early to know whether I would be called onto Jenna’s.

Every case we’d worked together had felt like a kick in the teeth for me, but at the same time I hoped that every time she had to work with me she realised just how disgusting her affair with Richard had been. And how little she’d meant to him considering how fast he dropped her when we split, oh, and the other women he was fucking at the same time as her.

“The reality of the situation is that the suddenness and severity of your condition and taking into consideration how many of the symptoms you’ve shown, I can’t really see you going past the twenty-seven, maybe twenty-eight week mark. In my opinion that’s being generous.”

I could see exactly where the situation was heading as she kept going. Richard had already taken the oxygen mask from the hook. Jenna was in full blown panic mode, and I didn’t blame her. What she didn’t know was that she had a lot less to worry about than she thought. In her head she was already prepping herself for the worst, but in the majority of cases, the worst you could expect were learning disabilities. Things that could be helped if not fixed.

Although Sam had been doing her bit by edging along the worst case scenario, it was doing nothing but distressing Jenna. Her vitals machine went off beeping like crazy only to prove my point.

The minute Richard looked at me I knew I had to step in. I sat on the edge of the bed facing both him and her as he held the oxygen mask over her face. His hand stroking lightly over her hair.

“Listen to me, Jenna. That baby isn’t coming out until it really needs to. I promise that your care team won’t let anything happen unless it has to.” I could feel the daggers Sam was glaring my way. “Even if they have to get the baby out that early, the survival rate is high. And although there can be some very serious complications, most babies are healthy. But I can guarantee you that no one will be getting that baby out either until he or she is ready or there is no other alternative.”

“Quincy.” I could hear the warning in Sam’s voice.

“I promise.”

“Ms. Cavendish!”

“What?” I snapped as I turned to her.

“Can I talk to you outside?” She pointed to the now open door and a very concerned looking Jamie.

“Whatever you’re going to discuss, you can do it right here.” Richard spoke up, the irritation in his voice bright. “Sam, I think you’re forgetting that I’m not a patient who knows fuck all about the situation.”

Her eyes snapped to his, her expression indignant. “You’re not my patient. Ms. Anderson is.”

“Well, they could both become mine!”

Jamie closed the door behind him before whistling loudly. Only when we were all looking at him did he speak. “What on earth is going on? You’re all talking over each other like a bunch of zoo animals. What’s the problem here?”

“This isn’t your concern either.” Sam gritted at him.

“Do you want me to stay?” He asked Richard and Jenna at the same time.

“Absolutely.” Jenna answered as she took off the oxygen mask and laid it on her chest.

I doubted she even knew who Sam was to me and Richard. If she did she was doing a stand-up job of hiding it.

Richard shook his head as he looked from Jamie to me to Sam. “He stays.” His voice was cold and stern.

“Great!” Jamie gave her an exaggerated fake smile.

“This is ridiculous.” She rolled her eyes at him, her fisted hands going into the pockets of her lab coat.

“No, what’s ridiculous is that all of you are arguing about what you think is best rather than asking the patient how they want to proceed. You’re better than this.” His hands closed around the rail at the foot of the bed as he leant forward putting his weight on it, his gaze on me. “You all need to be quiet and listen very intently to what’s going to be said.” He held out his hand for the folder in Sam’s hand and took it from her as she hesitantly handed it to him. “What do you want to do, Jenna?”

I was holding my breath hoping to God that she wanted to keep the baby inside for as long as possible. She was still well within her rights to terminate, if she wanted to go down that path. Although that didn’t seem like an option she was willing to consider since Sam had called Mr. Peters, the Neo Consultant, in. Of course, it being Christmas meant that he wasn’t around, so I’d insisted on staying and giving Jenna all the information he would have, if he weren’t still on his way to the hospital from the suburbs. And yes, it was a cumbersome situation to put myself in, but given the history in the room…I guess I just didn’t trust Sam in whatever capacity she was in. I wanted to make sure that Jenna understood that Sam’s priority was her, the mother, and not specifically the baby. Even though it didn’t seem like termination was a consideration for her, that didn’t mean that she was willing to go as far as her body would allow her. That baby was viable at this point and if she opted to go with the sooner the better I couldn’t do anything about it. But I also wanted her to know her options and their consequences.

She looked at Richard and then at me and Sam before she settled on Jamie, “I want what’s best for our baby.” She reached over and gave Richard’s hand a squeeze.

“Are you aware of the risks?”

“I know there are risks.”

I felt him come up behind me. His voice although soft getting louder. “But do you know what they are?”

When she didn’t say anything, but looked to me, I replied, “I didn’t get that far.”

Sam let out a huffy laugh, “It’s not your place to get there.”

Both Jamie and Jenna ignored her, but the glare Richard gave her made it very clear that he was getting fed up of her attitude.

“Then you can’t make that decision. Not without knowing all the risks.” Jamie stood next to Richard. “I assume you know them as well as I do, if not better?”

Richard nodded, his eyes looking at me in sympathy, and in swings and roundabouts it all came back to the one thing that had been the final nail in our coffin.

Jenna looked between us as understanding dawned on her. She wrapped her arms around her belly like she was cradling her unborn child, and once again my heart felt like it was fracturing into gazillions of pieces. My throat dried up as all the moisture gathered behind my eyes.

“Both you and your child could die. All your efforts could be for nothing.” Sam sat on the other side of the bed, her back to mine. Her dark mahogany hair a contrast to my lighter strands. Her olive skin darker than my own. We were complete opposites. In nature, in looks and in morals.

She continued, “But if we deliver early, before anything goes wrong, you’ll be fine and your baby will have a fair chance.”

If I had known, what would I have done? Given the chance to make her decision, I had no idea what way I would’ve gone. Some part of me envied her for it. For the chance to save my child. I’d had nothing. Not a single symptom all the way through. Absolutely nothing. Until it was too late and I ended up with an emergency C-Section and my child lifeless.

I looked up as I felt her hand cover mine. It was bizarre, the way I desperately wanted to help her. She didn’t feel just like a patient, or even the woman who had been married to my greatest love. In that moment she didn’t feel like a part of the other team.

“Quincy, if you were me, what would you do?” She asked like there was no one else in the room. Like we were two friends chatting over coffee about something mundane and probably unimportant.

I wasn’t her friend. I’d never really been her friend, not even when she was married to Jamie. But that look. The way she was looking at me. It reminded me of me and of the choices I could’ve had. I could’ve made.

I cleared my throat as Jamie wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “You can’t ask me that.” Her hand squeezed mine again like she was silently begging. “As a doctor, I can’t answer it.”

“I want to save my baby.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “I don’t want just a fair chance, I want a solid one.”

“I can give you the pros and cons, but I can’t tell you what to do. This isn’t even my area.”

“Exactly, it isn’t. You are not an Obstetrics or Neo specialist…” Sam stood suddenly. “It’s clear as day that you’re too emotionally invested, Ms. Cavendish. This is too personal.”

“Sam…”

“What, Jamie? You know as well as I do that she’s incapable of treating this case objectively. It’s too close to home.”

I could feel him bristle next to me just like I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. “I am more than capable of being objective, Ms. Sterling.”

“Are you?” She asked me brusquely. “Because from where I’m standing you’re one blink away from emotionally disintegrating.”

She didn’t know how wrong she was. That blink had been and gone and now aside from my sadness, I was pissed off that she was questioning my ability to be professional. She knew, as well as the other two doctors in that room, that I wasn’t just good at my job, when it came to Cardiothoracics I was one of the best. That’s why I was more often than not her preferred consult, despite our history, because a lot of the time in cases like this the heart would be compromised and I’d step in to fix it.

“Jenna, are you happy for me to continue in Mr. Peters’ absence? Do you feel that I am in any way incapable of giving you the facts like they should be?”

“I’ve been told you’re great and I want the best for our baby.”

I reached for the folder that Jamie still had in his hand. I skimmed through the notes that Sam had made so far. “I’m sorry, Dr. Sterling, would you mind if I borrowed your pen?” She looked at me like I’d just skinned her cat. She was definitely a cat person, and as she handed me her pen I couldn’t help but giggle at the grey Tabby kittens floating in the translucent tube with the iridescent glitter. Yep, definitely a cat lady. Go figure.

“Did I miss something funny?”

I looked at the pen and then back at her. Looks wise she was most certainly not a cat lady. I looked up at Jamie who was squeezing my arm. He was trying so hard to hide his smile as he shook his head telling me not to go there.

“Nice pen.” My eyes snapped over to Jenna who was having a right old giggle too.

“Right,” I cleared my throat as I drew a line under Sam’s notes and added the date and time next to my name and signature. “I’m going to tell you all the risks and what they mean. If at any point you feel like it’s too much, or if you have a question, stop me. Let me know. This is an important part and I need you to understand all of it.”

“Richard? Could you fetch me a drink? I’d love a herbal tea, maybe mint or chamomile?”

“Now?”

“Please. You know all this already, and I need something soothing.” She reached over and stroked his cheek.

It felt so strange seeing them interact like that. They were both normally so reserved in front of me. He leant into her hand as he sighed a breathy “Okay,” and got up to go get her a tea.

She waited till he was out of the room before she told me to carry on. Jamie pulled the chair Richard had been sat on closer to me and turned it so that it was facing Jenna. “You realise that everything is shut on Christmas day, right?”

“I know that, but he won’t come back either until he’s found somewhere open or he’s sure everything is closed. It gives Quincy enough time to tell me all the risks and me to tell Dr. Sterling exactly how I want to proceed.”

“You sound like you already know what you want.” Sam sat back down at the foot of the bed.

“Perhaps I do,” she looked at Sam with an unmoving and stern set to her eyes and then she looked to me as if to emphasise what she wanted, “But I want Dr. Cavendish to tell me the risks before I’m certain.” She relaxed back into the mound of pillows behind her back and crossed her legs. “Please, Quincy.”

“Alright, well, your high blood pressure could lead to a stroke that could result in brain damage due to interrupted blood flow to your brain.” I went straight in. It wasn’t my usual style of delivery, but I could tell that she just wanted the facts as quickly as possible and with as little fuss too. “There’s also a slight chance that you could develop HELLP syndrome rather than Eclampsia.” I stopped to make sure she was following. “Have you heard of it before?”

“I don’t think so.”

“It’s a rare liver and blood clotting disorder, the only way to treat it is to deliver the baby. You could also develop fluid in the lungs, kidney failure and liver failure. You could suffer from D.I.C.—Disseminated. Intravascular. Coagulation.”

“That sounds scary.” Jenna looked up at me as her fingers traced up and down her bump.

“It is, Jenna. I can’t tell you what it will do to you for sure because it could go either way. It could stop you from clotting or it could form clots throughout your body. The latter could result in irreparable organ damage. Do you understand what that means?”

“Either way I’m screwed?”

“You could bleed out.”

“Like Haemophilia?”

“That’s something completely different.”

“But the result is the same, yes?”

“Yes.”

She took a deep breath and held it for a moment. A hand clawed at her chest as the other splayed protectively over her belly. Jamie reached over and handed her the oxygen mask again. “Are you alright to carry on?”

She dropped the mask next to her on the bed as she asked, “Am I going to make it through this at all?”

“She has to tell you everything even though some of these things are rarer than rocking horse poo.” He laid his hand over hers on her bump in reassurance.

“Go on.” She looked at me to keep going as she shook her hand slightly so that Jamie took his back.

“The biggest risk for you, I believe, is Eclampsia. Pregnancy related seizures or fits that could lead to permanent disability or brain damage.”

She pinched the bridge of her nose as she let out a long dejected sigh, “Jesus, I either die or become a vegetable?”

Jamie looked at me, as if telling me to put her mind at ease. But I couldn’t. She had to understand the risks and decide for herself what was more important to her—ensuring her life or her baby’s.

When I didn’t say anything, he jumped in. Shuffling to the edge of his seat as he told her, “These are risks that might never happen. You’re a healthy woman in her prime.”

She let out a harsh laugh. Somewhere between incredulous and sardonic. “Jamie, don’t bullshit me, I’m not far off being categorised as an OAP pregnancy. So, don’t tell me I’m in my prime because being healthy didn’t exactly stop me from ending up here.”

“What he’s trying to say is that just because you have Pre-Eclampsia doesn’t mean you’re going to develop any of those complications, and you’re not considered a geriatric pregnancy at all. More and more of my patients are in their late thirties to mid-forties, so you’re not even close to geriatric taking those statistics into consideration.” Sam assured her from behind me.

“And what about the baby? My baby? What could happen?”

“There’s a likelihood he or she could have Neonatal Respiratory Disease. It means that the baby could have difficulty breathing because its lungs aren’t fully developed. There are certain things we can give you to help it whilst you’re still carrying, but there’s always a good chance that it won’t be enough to avoid it. The later into the pregnancy that baby is born the better chance he or she stands of not having it at all.”

“That’s it?” She looked up at me in question.

“There are other complications that can come from that. But most Preemies that get to one year go on to be healthy children.” I straightened my back as I cleared my throat. Shutting her notes on my lap. This was the biggest blow, even if it was the one least likely to occur. “There’s also a small chance of stillbirth. That isn’t a complication, Jenna. I can’t tell you why or how, just that it could happen.”

“A chance is a chance, though, right?”

“In the grand scheme of things it’s miniscule, but yes, it could occur.”

She was silent for a moment. I wanted to hold her hand and promise her that at the end of all this she’d have a healthy, living baby. But I couldn’t. I knew better than that, and I had first-hand experience.

I watched her as she sat up and swivelled her legs off the bed so that she was sat next to me. She removed the Oximeter from her finger and the blood pressure cuff from her arm. She popped the baby monitor belly band letting it fall around her on the bed and turned towards me and Sam. She looked between us like she was weighing up all the cons in her head. Wait and hope or take action and fight.

“Jamie, I need to speak to Doctor Sterling.” She turned towards him, her features still pinched in thought. “In private. I want to talk to her and Quincy, alone.”

The three of us looked at her perplexed. He opened his mouth to say something but she didn’t give him a chance as she asked him, “Please.”

Jamie

I watched as she lit her cigarette instead of answering my question. I had a bad feeling about whatever had been spoken in that room between her, Sam and Jenna. I could tell from the way she was avoiding making eye contact with me that she was struggling with it too. She wanted to talk to me about it, but she couldn’t because Jenna had asked her not to. She handed the lit cigarette to me as I lowered the car windows and proceeded to light herself one. I took a long drag and almost coughed it all back out.

Fucking menthols.

“How do you smoke this shit?” I sputtered as I threw it out of the window. She laughed as she reached for my packet and shook one out for me, lighting it with the tip of hers before she handed it to me. “I like the almost tingly sensation on my lips.”

I looked over at her. Her wide smile telling me she was trying to distract me from my previous question.

“Why did she want me to leave the room?” I asked trying a different angle.

“Because she doesn’t want you to know what we discussed.” She shrugged in between puffs. “I can’t talk to you about this anymore, Jamie. We can discuss what you already know, but apart from that I can’t tell you anything she’s asked me not to.”

“What about Richard?”

“Since when do you care about him?”

She had a good point, but after today a lot of lines and feelings had been blurred.

“It’s not about caring, it’s that he deserves to know what’s going on with his baby and its mother.”

“Like you deserve to know because she’s Molly’s mother?” She narrowed her eyes at me.

“I need to know that she’s thinking of Molly and not just her unborn baby, Quincy. That baby isn’t a sure thing, but Molly…”

“Jamie, you can’t expect her to pick one child over another. It doesn’t work like that.” She took another puff as she tilted her head back on the headrest.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound insensitive. It’s just that Molly needs her mum, and I know what Jenna is like. She makes rash decisions.”

“It’s not a rash decision, maybe a scared one, but not rash and she’s going to talk to Richard about it.” She sighed. “I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.”

I looked over at her as she changed the conversation again, her chest rising as she took another deep drag from her cigarette. “This was meant to be our first proper Christmas. No work, just you, me, the girls and our family. Hasn’t really panned out has it?”

“Not the way we wanted, but it’s only just mid-afternoon. We still have the rest of the day and the evening. I just want to get home, have a shower and a cuddle with the girls. Richard said that he was going to pop by later, after he left the hospital, to see them and explain that the trip is off.”

I smiled at her calling my place home. It wasn’t the first time she’d done it, but every time she did it made my stomach fill with warmth and electricity. I liked that she thought of it as home. I wanted it to be our home.

“I know, I told him to come over for dinner before he went back with her overnight bag. Maybe we could make her a plate or something?”

She looked over at me with a surprised expression. “They’d probably really like that.” She dropped the butt out of the window and closed it.

The streets as we got closer to my building were quiet and lined with cars. It was eerily peaceful. I studied her as she looked out of the window lost in her thoughts. I could tell that she was trying really hard to keep her feelings in check. The whole situation must’ve been hitting her right in the gut, and although I wanted to make sure she was doing okay I also didn’t want to push her. She’d dealt with it all better than I had expected so far and I wasn’t going to be the one to break her down right now. Especially not when we had a house full of people and two perceptive kids that were probably dying to see us.

I parked the car in my bay and before I’d even pressed the engine off she was scrambling onto my lap over the centre console. She pulled her dress closed at her thighs as she burrowed into me. Her face nuzzling into my chest as she inhaled deeply.

“I just need a moment before we go up there and see everyone.” She whispered as I wrapped my arms around her.

She didn’t say anything else as I cut the engine with the press of a button and enjoyed the silence with her. We stayed like that for a while before she kissed the skin at the edge of my t-shirt collar and pulled herself back to her seat. She slipped her flats back on and grabbed her handbag before she jumped out. I grabbed my keys from the centre console along with my wallet and my pack of cigarettes. She looked so calm as I met her by the boot of the Range, her hand laced with mine as we walked to the lift and made our way up to our family.

The smell that engulfed me as I opened the front door was enough to make my stomach moan in delight. The TV was loud and I could only make out a few words from the Queen before the girls jumped us. It felt like we’d been gone a lot longer, and the more that Molly squeezed me in her embrace the more I could feel myself relax. She was completely oblivious to what was going on. Her excitement over all the presents that she’d already opened was infectious and it brought my own excitement back.

It wasn’t until Edith approached us that both of the girls skipped back to the lounge. Even when we were kids I was never fond of her, she was always cold towards us all. We never liked going to Richard’s house because we knew that she wouldn’t leave us alone or let us do what we wanted. She expected us to sit around and chat like we were adults, rather than act our age. If Richard hadn’t reminded me that she was still here, I wouldn’t have remembered. That’s how little I thought of her.

Once he had reminded me I was actually dreading having to come home and talk to her. Not just because I didn’t particularly like her, but because I knew that she made Quincy uncomfortable. She had no tact for someone that was so intent on propriety.

I relaxed a little as I felt Quincy’s arm wrap around my waist. I could see both Gwen and my mother standing just inside the kitchen doorway watching us. They knew exactly what she could be like. I suspected they were also worried about the beautiful and brave woman beside me.

Edith stood there looking at us in expectation, and when we didn’t say anything she huffed as she spoke. “Where’s Richard?”

Not Where are Richard and Jenna? Or Is everything okay? Or even How’re Jenna and the baby?

“Where is he?” She repeated, her tone impatient and curt.

I felt Quincy bristle next to me. Her short nails digging into my side as she clenched her hand in irritation.

“Jenna’s being monitored overnight, and Richard stayed with her whilst they were waiting to get some results back. The hospital is operating on reduced staff since it’s Christmas, so he might be a while.” She replied with the same pithiness that Edith had addressed us before she wandered into the kitchen and I followed, leaving Edith to make what she wanted of the information she was given.

Quincy paused just inside the doorway, a snort laugh erupting from her. Her shoulders were shaking and as I looked up I could barely stop my own laugh from bursting out of me. Dorian was sat at the breakfast bar surrounded by opened bottles of wine as she topped up three flutes with champagne and poured a fresh one. The kitchen counters to one side were a mess. Complete and utter chaos and on the other side were neatly covered and arranged food platters. But what was making us both laugh was a very enthusiastic apron clad Jake standing in the midst of it all. It was priceless. The kind of take a photo for future blackmail purposes, priceless.

He reached down into the under the counter drinks fridge and pulled out two beers. He opened them and walked over to hand me one. “Stop laughing and get that down you, there’s a lot of washing up to do.”

He walked back to the hob and looked into a large pot bubbling away. “They should be ready to go in the oven in a bit.”

“I’ve taken the parsnips out so there’s plenty of room for those precious potatoes of yours.” Mum peered into the pot with him.

It was the therapy I needed to get the day back on track. I never thought I’d see the day that the playboy became all domesticated whilst the women surrounding him were quite clearly a little more than tipsy. Dorian had that look in her eyes that said she needed to soak the alcohol up before her face hit the table or her arse hit the floor.

“You better not have ruined the turkey.”

He looked at me with an affronted expression as he wandered over to the cooked food and lifted the foil covered bird. “I can cook a chicken, thank you very much.”

“That’s what worries me, that thing is not a chicken.”

“Alright, Honey, why don’t you go take a shower and fuck off out of the kitchen so I can finish the dinner?”

I looked over at Quincy, who was laughing so hard with Dorian that the champagne was spraying out of her lips. Gwen was beginning to tackle the dump counter and mum was being mum and encouraging the girls to drink more.

How the fuck did that work out?

She was meant to be the responsible adult in this situation.

Jake quieted a little as he took a sip of his beer and asked about Jenna and Richard. He wasn’t a fan of them, for the obvious reason that he was my mate, but the concern on his face was sincere.

“He’s coming by later to grab a bite and talk to the girls.” I didn’t acknowledge the looks Dorian, Gwen and mum gave me, I knew they would be surprised that we invited him back. “Jenna’s doing fine. As is the baby. It’s a shit situation.”

I drank down another generous glug of my beer.

“And you? How’re you holding up?” He looked at Quincy. The sober concern in his eyes something he didn’t often give.

She took a deep breath as he leaned on the breakfast bar, appraising her. “It’s a shit situation.” She replied in a hushed tone.

He nodded his understanding of her answer and topped her glass up. “Well, it’s Christmas, I have a tonne of Lego to build and we have a lot of food to eat. So drink up and get to it.” He took Dorian’s glass and drained it. “You’re meant to be cutting back so you can help cook the piggies.”

“Fat chance.” I scoffed as I sat next to Quincy at the breakfast bar. Her head falling on my shoulder as we watched mum and Gwen preparing the Pigs-in-Blankets and the stuffing behind him. I don’t think I’d ever been so grateful to have him as a friend. He may know how to push my buttons and enjoy doing it more than he should, but he was always there when he needed to be. He had the same good and caring nature that Phillip had with the added over the top bravado. I could see why Dorian liked him, as well as why she was overwhelmed by him.

“I’m knackered.” Quincy yawned next to me. “I need to freshen up before I completely zonk out and miss dinner.”

“Why don’t you two go do that and then go spend some time with the girls? They’ve been non-stop asking about when you were coming back.” Gwen fussed over Quincy, as she tucked her hair behind her ear and dropped a kiss on her forehead.

I think we were both trying to avoid talking to the girls about Jenna and Richard. I had hoped that he wouldn’t be too far behind us to talk to them. I did not want to be the one to tell them that instead of going on their wedding holiday, that they were staying here. I didn’t want to tell my daughter that her mummy wasn’t well. I didn’t want to see the worry in her eyes. I didn’t want to be the one to make her sad. I just wanted to allow her to remain oblivious and untouched by all the negative things around us.

We both sat there for a while nursing our drinks and listening to Jake boss our mothers around the kitchen whilst moaning about how nuts didn’t constitute to a roast. He really needed to let go of his vegetarian vendetta, and he needed to do it before Willow turned his nuts into a roast.

“What are you laughing to yourself about?”

“Nothing.”

“Susan, how did you end up with not just the one vegetarian freak, but three weirdos of their own variety?”

Mum gave him a firm slap to the back of his head as she laughed at him. “Seems like I now have four, not three!”

“I wouldn’t talk about Quincy like that, otherwise she’ll never shack up with him.” He looked over at me and shrugged at my glare.

“It’s not them I’m worried about,” She pointed at a very docile Dorian. “It’s her.”

Dorian sat up straight at mum’s comment. Her cheeks went bright red and her hands wrapped tight around her glass. “I am here, barely, but still here.”

“You alright?” I asked her as she looked over at a dozing Quincy.

“Yup, I have this malpractice case that’s eating up all my time and going nowhere. I was up till shit o’clock because my expert witness is LA based and the solicitor on the case was conveniently sick. This whole case is ridiculous. Why can’t people just be happy with what God gave them? Sure, I’d love to have tits the size of melons, but you know what? The hassle when one of them pops and you end up with fuck all just isn’t worth it!” She downed the rest of her now warm and flat champagne.

“Language! How is it that I managed to raise the pottiest mouthed people in the City of London?” Mum groaned.

“Sorry, rant over. And you,” she pointed at Jake, “Can shut up and keep your opinion to yourself. Just keep cooking!”

“Okay, what did I miss?” Quincy sat up as she looked around a very quiet and still kitchen.

“She’s lost the fucking plot.” Jake shrugged at mum as he got back to cooking, seemingly unfazed. “I wasn’t going to give her my opinion anyway. She wouldn’t listen, so what’s the point?”

“Mum, make her a coffee and please throw her something to stuff her mouth with. She’s clearly in need of feeding.” I slid from my stool and picked Quincy up off hers giving her a quick peck as I set her down in front of me. “Let’s go get showered and wake you up. We need to get ready for dinner before she starts chomping at everyone.”

“Okay.” She sighed as she smiled up at me. “Dory, if you’re going to chomp at anyone, just make sure it’s Edith. Maybe you could gnaw your frustrations out on her.”

“Dory?” Jake burst out laughing.

Quincy turned to him quickly. “Shut the fuck up before I kick you out.”

“It’s not your house yet!”

“More mine than yours, and you don’t technically even do Christmas so just hush and stick to the cooking.” She stuck her tongue out at him as I walked her out of the kitchen and Dorian sang an “Amen!”

Both of the girls, Daniel and Willow were playing some sort of board game I hadn’t seen before. Dad and Liam were talking about football as per usual. It was all so normal and sweet, until I met Edith’s glare from one of the dark blue armchairs.

She had a tea for one set up in front of her on the coffee table and a plate of finger sandwiches she clearly hadn’t touched. Whoever had gone all out for her was a nicer person than I was. I’d just have given her a mug of tea and left her to it.

I kept walking Quincy past the lounge to our bedroom. Someone had obviously tidied up after we’d left. I’d put my money on mum having been the one to do it too. The bed looked like it’d been remade by her. It was creaseless and everything was symmetrically perfect. Definitely mum.

Quincy wandered into the bathroom, her footsteps a little heavier than usual as I followed behind her. She looked exhausted. I put the shower on to warm the water as she looked up at me from the edge of the bath. “So, babe, how’re you going to wake me up?”

Quincy

I’m not going to lie, when I asked how he was going to wake me up, I was hinting at sex. I was thinking a lot about sex lately. Mostly because every time I thought about Jamie, which was non-stop, I also thought of all the ways he made me stop thinking. And I really needed to stop thinking right now.

Today had gone from almost perfect to thinking about Theo, and Jenna’s situation. I was still uncomfortable with her decision, but at the end of the day it was her life and her body, and regardless of what I thought, it was her choice that mattered. What she wanted mattered. Sam wasn’t pleased either, but she had a plan and I just needed to be ready for when I was needed, if I was needed.

I closed my eyes and moaned as Jamie massaged the shampoo into my hair. His fingers pressing all the right places around my cranium. So, maybe there was no sex, but this was good. The way he was supporting my body with his was just the contact I needed. It was soothing and it was perfect the way his muscled body fit soundly into my soft curves. The way my shoulders fit exactly across his strong chest. The way he could just tilt his head forwards and his mouth pressed into that spot on my neck. We just fit. Seamlessly.

I could hear myself humming as his fingertips moved lower to my nape and then swirled all the way up my hairline to my temples. Even with such a menial task, such as washing my hair he was giving. And no matter how much of himself he gave me, it was never enough. I wanted more and more until I could burst. Until I was so full I was stretching at the seams just for him. It was greedy and needy, but I couldn’t help it. That’s how he made me feel. He wasn’t an addiction, because if he were I could overcome him…I could live without him. And I couldn’t. I didn’t just crave him, I needed him. The same kind of deep seeded and involuntary need as air, water, warmth and light.

Just the thought of being without him was enough to make me want to scream in agony. The need I had for him was intense and brutal—unforgiving and unforgettable. It was always there reminding me and my heart and my soul of all the good he made me feel and all the hell I would feel if I ever lost him.

He pulled me tighter against him and walked us backwards into the warm water. My head lolling back on his shoulder as his hands rubbed the shampoo suds into my skin. Slowly they travelled back up my body to my neck where he kneaded his way up my trapezius. His thumbs applying just the right amount of pressure on either side of my vertebrae. It was sublime. I could feel my knees buckling as he worked my muscles. The stress headache that’d been threatening dissipating.

His fingers inched up through my roots and brushed through my hair as he washed out the last of the shampoo. His appreciative hums of the sweet chocolatey smell vibrating down my spine and pooling between my legs. His breathing hitched as I hooked my arm around his neck and pulled myself onto the tips of my toes to kiss him and as I slid back down his body his shaft slipped between my bum cheeks. My blood felt like liquid fire in my veins as his tongue explored every inch of my mouth. He cupped my jaw at just the right angle whilst his other hand cupped my breast. His kiss was hard and desperate and clumsy like he could feel every one of my needy thoughts.

“Turn around, baby,” he rumbled softly into my ear. My feet obeying his request even as he sandwiched me between him and the granite wall. “I want to see you,” he cupped my face and tilted it up to his. His elbows resting lightly on my shoulders. “All of you.”

I don’t think I’d ever seen that look on his face. Whether it was because my ability to think had been compromised or because he’d never looked at me like that, I didn’t know. All I knew was that just then, it didn’t actually feel like he was looking at me at all, right then it felt like his soul was looking into mine. The connection ran so deep that it felt sacred. All the happiness and all the pain culminating into the most cathartic and staggering love.

I couldn’t think to move or speak. I could barely just manage to breathe. His skin felt beautifully hot on mine. Looking into his eyes was like staring straight at everything I’d ever wanted, wished or dreamed. He felt like the home I’d been looking for and never had. This thing that wove us together was invincible, inevitable and inescapable. It was obstinate, wilful and ruthless. It didn’t care about the past or all the things that stood in its way.

“You’ve always been in here, Quincy,” his fist pressed into his chest, “I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realise that you are all of it. Every inch. Every piece. That’s you. Only you.”

What could I say to that?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

I wanted to tell him that he was my heart too, but as I racked my head for the words, I couldn’t find them. I couldn’t vocalise it. I couldn’t even show him it. I was paralysed by his words and their meaning, and the way they reflected everything inside me.

His fingers tangled in my hair as his lips worshipped every inch of mine. His tongue licking into my mouth as he didn’t just take everything he needed from me, but he also gave me everything I needed.

He pulled away suddenly. His hands fisting in my hair as he tugged my head back. My face tilting all the way up to his so that he was looking straight down on me.

“I want everything. Every. Single. Fucking. Thing. With you.” His voice was deep and sure and steady. Doubtless. “Every dream you’ve ever had—I want it with you. Everything you’ve ever wanted—I want it with you. You’re everything and every dream I’ve ever wanted and never knew I wanted. I can’t imagine a me without a you and days like today scare the living shit out of me. I can’t live without you. More importantly, I don’t want to.” His eyes closed as he sighed.

His forehead kissed mine and I just couldn’t take my eyes off him if I tried. His words were prying them open. The liquid heat of his blue eyes searing my soul inch by inch as they opened. His dark lashes mingling with mine in the most soothing butterfly kiss.

His thumbs stroked down my cheeks and across my lips. “I want you here every day and every night. I want to hold your hand and I want you to hold mine. I want to kiss you and love you every chance I get.”

His face tilted to the side slightly. His lips just touching mine as he dragged me up his body. My legs circling his waist as his shaft bobbed at my entrance.

“I love you, Quincy Elizabeth Cavendish, and I want nothing more than to fucking show you how much right now…” He flexed his hips up just enough that the tip of his dick pressed inside me. “I really, really want to fuck you right now. I want to love you. But, if we take any longer someone might actually walk in here and drag us out there in our birthday suits.”

A loud, raspy groan ripped through my throat as he lifted me off his shaft and stepped away. His hands holding me up as my legs struggled to fulfil their purpose and hold me up.

Every one of my senses and limbs were discombobulated.

“I still need to give you my present.”

“You do.” I said as my feet finally found the shower floor. My brain catching up with the words that had just come out of my mouth. “I mean, me too.”

I was so excited about his reaction to the antique Craniotomy instruments. I’d had Dorian, Willow and Beth helping me with the online auction. Turned out Beth knew someone who knew someone at the Welsh Auction House. It’d been like stealing candy from a baby, well from Jamie. He’d shown me the listing a few weeks ago and he had been ready to outbid anyone, well…within reason. I’m not even going to lie, seeing his face as the bidding war closed filled me with a sick and mean satisfaction. He had a thing for collecting antique brain surgery instruments, and I’d been at a loss as what to get him for Christmas until he’d shown me the listing, and then I’d just known that that was it.

He leaned forward, a big smile on his lips as he kissed me before he walked out of the shower. The muscles in his delectable arse flexing with each step he took.

How had this happened? How had this man become everything I needed right under my nose and how had I resisted him for so long?

I wasn’t expecting the dinner to be as good as it was. Despite all his macho bravado crap, Jake had done good. Everyone seemed to have enjoyed the food, even Edith with her measly portions. For a moment I thought she was going to do an Oliver Twist and ask for more. She didn’t. More fool her. Still, she seemed to be a little less Edith and a little bit nicer by the end of the meal and her two glasses of wine.

I volunteered to do the cleaning up, seeing as I was meant to have done the dinner but hadn’t. Dorian offered to help. We worked in tandem as we cleaned up the dishes and the kitchen. It didn’t escape me that she sipped her wine measuredly the whole time we were at the table. Every so often Jake would say something to her and she would give him a smile.

“Would you ladies like a top up?”

Think of the Devil.

“Your mum and Gwen are on the Baileys, so if you would prefer—”

“Jake.” Dorian looked at him as she finished rinsing another plate.

He looked at her with the softest look I’d ever seen on his face, giving her an almost imperceptible nod before he wondered back out of the kitchen.

She let out a long and troubled sigh before she continued with her task. She was hurting. I could tell from the way she was rinsing the dishes quietly and stacking them next to the sink where I was loading them into the dishwasher. The way her normally straight and strong posture was sagging. Any other day and she’d have made some smart remark about him.

Although normally I’d leave her to get herself back on her feet, I wanted to comfort her and tell her that it was time. It was time to move on. Phillip would want her to be happy. Not that she had wallowed all these years, but every year when the anniversary of his death came along she would struggle to keep going. Even after nine years, she still struggled to let go of him.

She would put on this happy front or she’d act like her job—the one she loved so much—was grating on her. But I knew how hard it was to have that encroaching darkness and doom gradually blow in like a weather front and then when it hit it was almost worse than the day itself. I felt it too. I felt it for both my brother—my best friend—and I felt it for my son. That whole belief that it got easier with time was complete and utter rubbish. It didn’t get easier. Time didn’t make it better. And the wound sure as fuck didn’t even try to heal itself. But, what did make it bearable was moving forward.

I should know what to say. I should know how to make it better for her. But the reality was that the only thing I knew was that in trying to make it better, words made it so much worse. They made it hurt so much more because you had to stop and think before you got them out in the open. You had to stop and think before you let them in too. The big problem was the thinking. We already thought about it all a lot. It was the thinking that it was time. It was looking around you and realising that there were other things to live for and latching on to them. She did that every day with Daniel, like I did it every day with Philippa.

It was only now that I wanted to let someone else in, that I wanted to give him all my love that I was willing to move forward. I didn’t want to think about what my life would be like if Theo was here. Because he was here. It wasn’t a what if, it was as simple as I carried him with me in my heart and my soul—in the marrow of my bones and the blood through my veins. He may not be here physically, but his memory was.

I could already feel that impending doom creep towards me as his birthday approached, but at the same time I wanted to feel more than just the sadness and the dank despair. I wanted to feel the love. That undying and unwavering love that had bloomed and blossomed inside me at the same time he had. That love that had annihilated every bit of longing and will to carry on when he didn’t even get to fight. When I didn’t get to fight for him.

That’s where the sadness and the love held you over a barrel. They turned into guilt because if we had been given the option to fight, we might have been able to do something. To save them. But life and fate and all those other entities that everyone chucked life, death and the future up to didn’t work like that. They didn’t give you a choice. They didn’t afford you the move you wanted or needed to win the game.

“I want to ask if you’re okay, Dory, but I know you’re not.” I put the dishwasher tablet in the tray and selected the heavy duty programme. “So it’s really a shit question. And I know we don’t really talk about this. I don’t even know why really.”

She continued wiping down the sides and then drying the sink. “I don’t think we should start now.” She muttered focusing on the stainless steel tap and shining it with some poly roll.

“Maybe we shouldn’t, but you’re struggling and I can’t see you struggle with something, for someone that can never make it better for you. He’s not around to take away the pain, sweetie, he’s not coming back.” Saying those words. Every one of them fell like a stab to my heart.

I wanted my brother back. I would do anything to have him back, but it wasn’t possible. He would never call my phone or knock on my door again. He’d never wind me up about the way I liked to have Brown sauce on my roast dinner or in my bacon sandwiches. He’d never annoy me about Jamie. He wasn’t coming back. He was gone. His body was mostly decomposing on a minefield somewhere in Angola. Whilst his memorial stone sat on our family plot. That was all that was left of him.

She stopped, her face scrunching up into an ugly and blatant portrait of anguish. Her eyes closed as she took a deep breath and her hands busied themselves folding the tea towel she’d dropped in the sink before she turned to me. Her expression was hollow and sullen.

“You think I don’t know that? It’s been almost nine years and every day I look at my son—His son…our son and everyday it hits me that he will never know his dad. It doesn’t matter how many photos I show him or how many stories I tell Daniel about Phi…” her breath caught like saying his name was too much, “Him, he will never truly know how amazing his dad was. He won’t ever know what it feels like to be held by him. He’ll never know what it’s like to be loved by him. So, yes, I know he’s not coming back. Fuck, I knew he wasn’t coming back when he left.”

How could she know he wasn’t coming back? No one could have predicted he was going to get himself killed. She shook her head like I was missing something. Like I wasn’t putting the puzzle pieces together in the right way. What was I missing here?

“He wasn’t ready, Quincy. I wasn’t ready and I was carrying our baby inside me.”

“What?”

She tossed the dish cloth back into the sink. Her hands gripping the edge till her knuckles were white. “I told him I was pregnant and he found the first escape he could.”

“No. No, he was happy about it. He proposed. He had it all planned out. He told me he was happy.”

“Being happy doesn’t make you ready. He wasn’t ready for a baby or marriage. He wasn’t ready to be responsible for a family.” Her eyes swept up to mine. A whole new brand of hurt brazen in her eyes. “If he did want all of that, do you think he would’ve gone to one of the most dangerous places in the world?”

“He wanted to help people. That’s what he did. He helped people…”

“He could’ve helped people here, Quincy. He could’ve done what Jamie and Richard did. He had offers left, right and centre. Offers that could’ve given him a career helping people and let him watch his son grow…with me. But that wasn’t what he wanted at that time.” She looked back into the sink, a lonesome tear spattering on the shiny steel surface. “He was a good man, Quincy, but we both know that even good men make mistakes. Even good men sometimes act like arseholes. They make shit decisions that impact the people that love them the most without even thinking twice.”

I couldn’t even bear to look at her. Her hurt oozed from her pores and smattered into the sink in clear, heavy drops of sadness.

“I didn’t…I never…” I didn’t know. I had no idea. He was my brother and I had no idea. I never even once thought about his decision in that way. “I thought he went because he wanted to help those people before he settled for good.”

“He did want to help those people, Quincy.” She let out a soft sigh as her lips twisted into a bitter half smile. “Even when he was being selfish, he found a way to be selfless. He made it impossible for me to hate him, to despise him, without me being selfish and narrow-minded about it.”

Her tortured gaze bore into mine.

“I’m so sorry, Dorian. If I’d known.” If I’d known—what? What could I have done if I’d known?

“If you’d known, you would’ve been able to do as much as I could—nothing.” She wiped her hands down her face and turned to me. “I probably could’ve guilt tripped him into staying, you know? But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to trap him. I wanted him to be happy. So I let him go. I watched him pack his bag and I drove him to the airport. He didn’t even let me go into the terminal with him. He gave me some blasé kiss and waltzed off.”

Her tortured exhale told me exactly where her train of thought was going to. Guilt. She wished she had stopped him, because if she had he wouldn’t have died.

“It’s not your fault. You did the right thing.” I wrapped my hand around hers and pulled her into a hug as she sobbed quietly into me. “I would’ve done the same thing, Dory, I would’ve let him go.” I would have. Because once Phillip got an idea in his head there was no stopping him or changing his mind.

I stroked her hair as my eyes found Jake’s. He stood in the doorway with a tumbler of golden liquor and lime slices in his hand. His chest heaved quietly as he listened to her teary words.

“I could take his resentment if it meant that he was still alive. I could live without him if he was still here to be a father to his son.” She hiccupped her words into my chest as tears filled my eyes.

Some people say that money is the root of all evil. Others say power. Many say religion. But in my experience, it’s guilt. Guilt is cunning and dangerous. It takes over even when you don’t give it permission. Like an oil spill in the ocean it spreads its dark and deadly poison over the surface until it chokes all the life beneath it. It is corrupt, destructive and hateful. Vicious and wicked.

I watched as Jake took a deep breath and silently put the drink down on the kitchen side. His eyes firmly glued to the marbled stone floor as his teeth brutally bit into his bottom lip. His light brown eyes met mine and all I could see was a hurt so deep that it spoke of other much stronger sentiments. He gave me a soft and sad smile even as his hands balled at his sides. He looked at Dorian huddled to my chest, his eyes closing for a moment as she let out another sob, and then he looked back up at me.

“Look after her.” He mouthed before he turned on his heels and reluctantly walked back out.

In that moment I knew beyond any doubt that Jacob Roth was in love with my best friend, and as much as I was glad to be able to comfort her, I knew that it should’ve been him.

Jamie

I’d never really watched anyone sleep before. It always felt too intimate, even with Jenna. More often than not I’d catch up on reading new studies centred around the brain, or I just got up and started my day. I never saw the beauty of watching someone sleep. But I couldn’t bring myself to look away from Quincy. I couldn’t bring myself to get up and leave her alone in our bed.

Our bed.

It felt strangely nice thinking of this bed as ours. Just like her referring to the apartment as home. It made us more real and more us. Although we’d only been an official us for just over a couple of months, in the grand view of things we’d been an us for so much longer. Maybe we hadn’t been getting tangled in between the sheets all that time, but the intimacy we’d had was deeper and went beyond the physical aspects of it.

The conversation with Jenna about me and her, and Quincy, was the tipping point. Maybe admitting it made me as big of an arsehole as I had accused Richard of being. But deep down I had known that the only reason I hadn’t taken things further with Quincy was because of the paperwork. Because I didn’t want to sully myself the same way they had. The reality was that although physically we hadn’t crossed any boundaries, emotionally, Quincy and I, had obliterated them long before Richard and Jenna had. And maybe I should’ve felt guilty about it, but I didn’t. The only thing I felt was sorry that I hadn’t been honest with myself or Jenna. I was sorry that it’d taken me so long to let go of my pride and stubbornness and that because of it I’d missed out on all that time with Quincy.

Jenna was right, the moment we got here and I was faced with Quincy, things changed. The moment I laid eyes on her again I didn’t look at Jenna the same way again. All the feelings that had felt big and real shrunk in comparison to how I felt just being next to Quincy, and as much as I berated Richard for betraying me with my wife, I’d already done it to him with his. I stopped being his friend long before he stopped being mine. Maybe watching him get too close to other women spurred me on. Maybe knowing that he didn’t appreciate the amazing woman he had made it easier for me to tell myself that I was just looking out for her. The truth was that it was none of those things. The bottom line was that Quincy and I were meant for each other and if things hadn’t happened the way they had, then we would’ve ended up crossing every boundary like they had. Sooner or later we wouldn’t have been able to fight it any longer.

Lately I kept asking myself why I hadn’t stayed here instead of going to the States. I’d always wanted to be the best. It wasn’t the career or the money or even the reputation and exaltation. Those were never the focus of my drive, they were never important. It was being the best so I could save lives. That was all I’d ever wanted—the chance to make a difference to people who needed it. To give them the best shot at the best life they could have.

Maybe Jake was right, I did have a saviour complex. That’s why I’d gone halfway across the world. To be the best, I needed to learn from the best. Talent is only part of the artillery, you also need experience, deference, respect and regard. Experience enhances talent, deference allows you to see deeper, respect for your patient gives you tenacity, and regard for life keeps you focused and expedient.

I needed all those things to become the person I am today. I needed to learn and hone every single one of them to become more than just me.

And I wanted to be more, so much more, for her and for Molly and Pippa.

I’d been a shit husband, but I would never allow myself to follow suit when it came to being a father. Or when it came to loving Quincy. She and our girls are my everything.

“Stop thinking. I can hear your cogs turning in my sleep. It’s not even light yet.” She rolled onto her back. The soft light from the bedside lamp making the golden halo of hair surrounding her glow. She opened her eyes lazily, her gaze softening into a slow smile as she looked up at me. “What time is it?”

I wriggled down the bed onto my side, taking in her profile as I turned her to face me. “It’s early. You should still be sleeping all the wine off.” Her lips curved up into a sheepish smile as her small hands traced up my torso.

“How early?” She whispered.

Her breathing was a little short and breathy and its warmth spreading over my skin was just magnificent.

“Just gone five.” I replied as I cupped her jaw, running my thumb over her bottom lip.

Her half-lidded gaze closed as I caressed down her jaw to her neck, my thumb pressing its way down to the hollow of her throat.

Her breath snagged on a languid exhale and her eyes lazily opened to mine.

“The girls will be out for the count for at least another two maybe three hours.” She scooted closer as her thigh hooked onto my waist. “I still haven’t given you your present yet.”

“I haven’t given you yours either, but you can go first.” I liked where she was going with her eyes and her hands.

She smiled at me as she purposefully bit her lip. Her fingers trailed lightly over my chest to the light scruff on my jaw. The feel of her hands on me never getting old. Never losing its thrill. Never dulling its power.

“It’s nothing really.” She shrugged as she pushed me onto my back and straddled me. My eyes instantly fixating on the way her nightie exposed her plump and generous boobs. “You know…my eyes are up here.” She lowered her chest to mine making sure our eyes met.

“I know, but mine are on these…” I dragged her up my body before I buried my face in her breasts. She squirmed, laughing as I blew a raspberry on one fleshy mound. “Shhhhh, you’re going to wake the girls up.”

She sat up, her thighs straddling my torso. “We should lock the door.”

“I thought you locked it last night?”

“I did, and then I unlocked it in case the girls got up during the night.” She looked at me like she’d done something wrong. Or like I should be upset with her.

I took hold of her thighs as I searched her face, looking for the reason why she looked so unsure of herself. I slid her down my body before rolling her onto her back. Her legs wrapping tightly around my waist like she was holding me hostage.

“What’s the look for?”

“The look?”

“You looked at me like you thought I was about to jump down your throat.”

“I know I shouldn’t have unlocked it because they could’ve just walked in here,” she bit her lip again, this time with uncertainty. “It’s just, I’ve never slept with the door locked with Pippa in the house and—”

“Quincy, stop. Stop explaining. You don’t need to.”

“I don’t?” She looked at me puzzled.

“Not about this, definitely not about this.” I breathed her in as I ran my nose from the crook of her neck to her temple. “Never ever explain the decisions you make as a mother.”

She tucked her face into my neck as her nails dug into my waist. “What if they’d walked in?”

“You’re covered. I’m covered. If they’d walked in they would’ve seen us sharing a bed like Richard and Jenna do.” I kissed her forehead as I pushed myself off her. “Back in a sec.”

She grabbed the top of my boxers quickly, “Where’re you going?”

“I’m locking the door so they can’t walk in on something they can’t unsee.”

She released her grasp. Her long sigh making her body sink into the sheets like she was relaxing again. “Good idea.”

“I’m full of those.” I winked over my shoulder as I turned the lock. “So, this present of yours…”

“Technically it’s yours since it’s for you.” I watched as she crawled to the end of the bed her boobs pretty much falling out of the top of her skin pink, silk nightie. The closer she got to the edge of the bed the higher the black lace trimming rode up her body revealing the lace up strapping of her knickers.

“I like those.” Very. Fucking. Much.

She looked over her shoulder her golden hair falling over the other as her back arched lifting her bum over her petite shoulder line. The black lace was a rich contrast with her creamy skin.

How was I meant to hold it together looking at her like that? I swear I was already starting to get lightheaded as the blood rushed down south.

She looked back at me with a coy smile on her lips. Her eyes taking me in from head to toe. Her tongue sweeping across her lips as her gaze held over my goods. She was definitely undressing me. Without a shadow of a doubt.

“I don’t think they come in your size.” She smirked, “Definitely not enough room for all that.”

Her eyes zoned back onto my crotch where her finger was pointing. Her cheeks flushing as the words left her lips. I never thought I’d see the day that she was bashful in front of me. Quincy wasn’t someone who easily embarrassed, she may be reserved but she wasn’t shy, and seeing her blush because of me…for me, was disarming. It made the feeling to be more, stronger and recalescent. I wanted to be everything to her, just as she was to me. I wanted to own her and possess her.

Basically, it made me a little bit caveman, a little bit crazy, and a whole lot hot…for her.

Her eyes rounded as I stripped off my underwear. “Apparently there’s no room in those eith—Jesus fuck, it’s huge today!”

“Today?” I’d have taken it as a compliment if she hadn’t sounded so surprised.

“I mean in general you know you’re…” She sat up on her feet, her eyes barely leaving my nether regions and her hands gesturing like she was weighing my bollocks in front of her. “Generous…but…”

Her eyes met mine as she practically drooled her way up my body. I’m pretty sure that the only reason her mouth wasn’t hanging open was because she’d drool all over herself.

“But?” I wrapped my arm around her waist and dragged her to the very edge of the bed. “What?”

She shook her head as her breathing accelerated, her hands pawing at my chest. Her wavy hair undulating with the back and forth motion.

She was so fucking beautiful with her big blue eyes that were made bluer by her rose blushed cheeks. Her lips swollen and red from all the worrying she’d done with her teeth.

I wanted to devour her in every single way. I wanted to kiss and lick every single square inch of her skin. I couldn’t love her anymore if I tried. If I wanted her anymore, I’d go insane.

“You’re so beautiful, you know that?” She tilted her head to give me more access as I kissed up the side of her neck. Her skin pimpling at my words.

“So you keep telling me.” She breathed out as I pulled her nightie off. Her arms straightening above her head.

“And I won’t ever stop telling you, Quincy. You’re the most incredibly wonderful and fascinating, exquisite thing I’ve ever laid my eyes and my fingers on.” She gasped as I kissed the spot behind her ear, right on top of her jugular. My tongue laving at her sensitive skin as my hands travelled down her back to her arse cheeks. Her hands entwined in my hair as she guided my mouth down to her breasts.

The taste of her skin was so addictive. The more I got of it the more I wanted. It was sweet and salty and addictive. Mouth-watering.

I could feel her squeezing her thighs together as my cock rubbed against them. Her fingers pulled at my hair as I sucked and nipped at her nipples. She loved it. The harder I sucked or bit down the more she struggled to keep her moans in check. It was thrilling and the more she moaned the more aroused I got. My blood felt like lava running through my veins, and I could just blow right fucking there and then from the feel and heat of her.

I wanted to get under her skin. I wanted to make her feel everything she made me feel. The deeper my fingers dug into her plump arse cheeks the harder she pressed my face to her boobs, her back bending as her head fell back. It was such a satisfying thing to feel her bend under my touch and my will, and yet I couldn’t control the urge to shatter and break her. I wanted to push and push until she had no choice but to let go and fall. I didn’t even want her to fall, I wanted her to willingly leap…jump, with the knowledge that I’d be there to catch her and put her back together.

I swear to God my dick was weeping for her. Quite literally. That’s how desperate she made me. I was on the verge of blowing all over her, and as fucking hot as that was, I wanted inside of her. I wanted to feel her come undone on me and under me. I wanted to empty every bit of myself inside of her and I wanted her to ask, gasp and beg for more.

Her hands dropped to my waist as I licked and kissed up her sternum to the base of her neck before I turned her around to face the padded taffeta headboard. Her back to my front. My cock slipping between her legs.

“Fuck, baby, you’re so fucking wet.” I could barely make out my own voice above my racing heart echoing in my ears.

Her head rolled back onto my shoulder as she guided my hands to where she needed them. “I was ready to come just from the way you were mauling my tits.”

That was it—control. Gone.

She bent over in front of me. My fingers trailing up from the front of her wet underwear to the strapping just above her arse crease. Talk about a photo moment.

I wanted to fuck her hard and love her softly at the same time. I wanted to fix her and tear her apart, and I had no idea how to do it. What order to do it in. I just knew that it was what every part of me was screaming to do to every part of her.

My pulse raced through me making me unable to contain myself.

I desperately wanted to take a deep breath and take my time, but I couldn’t. It was too late for slow. I was too pumped up for soft.

Quincy

I could swear my skin was on fire, and not just any fire. I felt ablaze like a dry forest fire scorching every square inch of my skin, flesh and bones. I was so hot that my skin felt like it was shrinking on me. My muscles and bones and all the cells that made me felt like too much to contain. And the electric crackling and hissing coming from every single one of Jamie’s touches was making me feel like my sweat dampened body was rolling around on a bed of popping candy.

Hiss, fizz, crackle and POP!

His fingers rolled my lingerie down my thighs quickly, before his nails raked all the way back up my thighs to my bum. His fingertips pressing and kneading my flesh as his dick traced up and down my pussy.

I could scream.

His gaze burned trails up and down my back. His hands splaying across my lower back as his thumbs carefully climbed up every rung of my spine. My arms giving out as I fell onto my elbows. The way his breath caught breaking me out into goose bumps.

My toes curled as his tongue followed his fingers up my spine all the way from the base to my nape. His body caging me in under him.

Just fucking breathe. Don’t pass out. Please, don’t pass out. Breathe!

Why were my lungs fighting me?

He kissed and nipped up my neck to my ear. His heavy breathing making my own even more difficult. I wanted his touch as erratic and frenzied as his uncontrollable breaths.

“You need to tell me if I go too far.” He rasped in my ear. The roots of my hair aching with the current thrumming through my body and over my skin. “I can’t go slow, baby, and I can’t be gentle.”

I couldn’t even nod. Was I nodding or was I shaking my head? I could only feel my hair follicles complain as my hair danced about my face.

“All you have to do is say stop and I will.”

Don’t, please don’t.

“Don’t what, Quincy?” He asked right in my ear. His warm breath on my sensitive skin undoing me further.

Did I say that out loud?

“Baby?” His hands fisted in my hair as he turned my face to the side. His eyes locking on mine. “Don’t what?”

“Stop. Don’t stop.” I just about managed to say it, the feel of his erection pressing at my pussy making it almost impossible to get the right words out. “Please. Please Ja-aaah…” He thrust deep in one long thrust. His teeth sinking into the fleshy dip of my neck.

The lick of pain as he bottomed out inside of me fizzing into a pleasurable current. He pulled all the way out and thrust back into me even harder and deeper.

Shit. How is that even fucking possible?

He repeated his thrust again and again each time getting deeper. Each burst of pain becoming more pleasurable until I could feel myself tighten around him. The heat rising from my core to all my limbs.

I could feel the buzz seeping in and the rolling heat pulling me off the edge I was teetering on right before he pulled out. His body lifting from mine as the air surrounding us hit my skin like a cold front.

I wanted to look up and see why he’d stopped, but I couldn’t physically move. My deprived orgasm still buzzing and meddling with my sensibilities. My limbs heavy with anticipation as his hands trailed up my thighs to my bum and toward my arsehole.

Shit! No. No…no…

“Relax, baby.”

Relax?

His thumb dipped into my pussy and then trailed to my clit. His hums of appreciation pushing me to the edge again before he traced his way back taking my arousal with him.

“Jamie.”

His breath was shaky and frantic. His touch was heavy and uncontained. “Too much?”

Was it?

Too much?

Yes.

Maybe.

No. No.

My body was aching and begging for more, even as it clenched at the intrusion.

I couldn’t think coherently of the right words to string together to form the right sentence. All I could do was shake my head. I’d never let anyone go that far, but the thought of letting him take me there…that far, coupled with the way his touch felt was doing unspeakable things to me. In unspeakable ways. And I wanted it, I wanted more of whatever he wanted to give me. I wanted more of what he wanted to do to me.

“Do you want this?” His tone was measured and careful even though I could tell he was barely holding himself together.

“Yes.”

He ran his thumb back down, through my folds, going straight to my clit. He worked in slow and decadent circles until my pussy was clenching and begging for him to fill me. As if on demand he pushed back into me in measured and shallow pumps. His thumb spreading my juices higher and higher.

Fuck, that’s different.

His thumb circled gently. Occasionally pressing.

Why was I so focused on feeling the bite and sting? Was that even normal?

His other hand inched its way to my front. His fingers rolling and circling my clit as his palm pressed into the base of my belly.

If my face wasn’t buried in the sheets I’m certain my moan would’ve resonated through the house. The pressure from his palm with the friction from his fingers and the shallow pulsing of his cock had my toes curling and my fingers grappling at the thick cotton surrounding me.

My body was like a pressure cooker, the only way to let out steam was to scream and I couldn’t because our kids were in the next room.

“Fuck. Fuck—fuck—fuck. Fuuuuuck, Jamie…” Oh God. Too much. Too. Much.

But still not enough.

It was like my body knew there was more. He wanted more and it wanted to please him. Even as it screamed and pulled at the seams, it craved more. It yearned for what else Jamie might give it as I pushed back desperately onto him. His thumb pressing into my arsehole as his fingers strummed my clit and his dick thrusted into me. The buzzing inside turning into a howl.

He thrust deep and fast as he completely filled me. The pain radiating and colliding until it was all pressure and fullness and all my nerves were on high alert.

His thumb and his cock pumped into me in synchronised pushes and pulls that steamrolled through me.

Why the fuck was I shaking and why did he slow down?

Oh—holy—fucking—fuckity—fuck of my life.

“You okay?” His voice sounded ragged and breathless.

“Move. Please move.”

Why had he stopped when I was so full? And why did I want more?

His hand trailed from my pussy to my boobs, and as he started thrusting into me again he pinched my nipples.

If I was on fire before, I had no idea what he’d done to me now. All I knew was that my skin felt so raw and sensitive like it was melting in the blistering heat.

The combination of the heat, the pressure and the delicious friction and fullness was nothing like I’d ever experienced before. Something was going to blow and at that point I wasn’t sure if it was going to be my body, my mind or both.

I could feel myself go as his dick swelled, hardening further. I could feel the greedy and lascivious pull rolling and bubbling all over my skin and in my veins.

His hand trailed back down from my breasts to my pussy. His fingers circling my clit quickly and desperately.

“Let go, baby.” He gritted in my ear as his thrusts became uncontrolled and erratic.

And I was gone. Head first.

Over a cliff into a galaxy of stars.

The ringing in my ears loud as my body skitzed out. I couldn’t even make out what Jamie was saying or if he was still moving.

I could barely register that I needed to turn my head to breathe. But still, I could feel his hands laced with mine. He held my hands like he always had. Like he always would. And in that moment I knew. Once that moment was over. When I was satiated and he was satiated. When our bodies were no longer touching. When he was no longer inside me. I knew I’d be left with an empty splice right in the middle.

I’d have a gaping hole that no one but him would ever be able to fill again. That no one but he had ever been able to fill.

A Jamie shaped void that had been there from the moment my soul had felt his. Way back when neither of us even knew about such things. And although our hearts hadn’t always been free to beat together, our souls had always been tethered. My heart had always raced after his. Beating for him even when I ignored it. Even more so when we made the wrong choices.

My heart had ached and thrummed and fought for his and for him. It shattered with the deepest and darkest agony and then it pulled itself back together for him. It bandaged itself just enough to keep going for him. Until he was able to stitch it back together. Until we let go of everything else and just let it be.

Until there was just him and me and our need.

My body would always need his. It would always crave his. It would always be his. Forever. Unquestioningly. Quite simply. His.

He’d burrowed himself so deep that for once my body, my heart and my soul were in sync. We wanted, needed and craved the same thing—him.

He’d officially fucked me into oblivion.

Jamie

Quincy was still passed out when I came out of the bathroom. She looked so peaceful, yet so very thoroughly fucked that it made me smile with pride.

I did that to her.

We had a first together that was so much more than an innocent and tame kiss. There was nothing innocent or tame about all the ways I still wanted her. Of all the things I still wanted to do to her…with her. It wasn’t even the actual things I wanted to do to her that already had me ready for an encore, it was the knowledge that she trusted me enough to let me do them to her. To be the one to make her feel. She trusted me to give her what no one else had. The intimacy of it was fucking delicious and hot, but it also had this glue—a permanence—that said we were so much more than just two people fucking and enjoying one another.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew that we were more than all those things. In so many ways she’d always been a big part of me. She may have been able to bring out the worst in me, but she was also the best. She was my heart and she was the light that touched every shaded crevice of my soul. She was the entity that made me see things differently. Even when life got hard and everything was tinged with hopelessness, just the thought of her and her strength put it all into perspective for me. She was all that was good in my world and existence. As soppy and cheesy as it sounded—it was the unwavering truth.

I’d had her before I had a wife. I’d kept her whilst I had a wife. And when I no longer had a wife, she was still there. She was still the bullseye of my world. I knew that would never change. She was the one constant that I would never let go, I couldn’t live without her. Even when oceans and continents separated us, when the decisions we’d made and the paths we’d taken separated us, we still walked parallel in the same direction together. Maybe it had taken us longer than it should have to reach the same junction, but we were finally on the same road. It wasn’t smooth and it was filled with potholes and cracks that would inevitably trip us up, but I had every intention of holding her hand and pulling her up like I knew she would do for me.

We weren’t friends. We weren’t lovers. We weren’t partners. We were all those things combined. We were everything. Soulmates.

I could feel the smile on my face growing as the sound of the cartoons filtered in through the hardwood door and the light blue silk covered and cream painted walls. The smell of well toasted Pop Tarts mixing with the warm and mouth-watering scent of sweat, chocolate and sex.

Usually she’d have stirred by now. It was like she could feel, like she knew, that I was watching her and she wanted to look her fill in return. But not today. Today she was in a sexed out coma, and it was gratifying. Even as the mattress dipped beneath me as I sat on the edge of the bed beside her she didn’t budge. The light blue velvet quilt and the bright white sheet tangled around her legs covering nothing but the base of her back and her bum.

If Richard weren’t coming over to talk to the girls later, I would’ve let her sleep until she needed to get ready for work this afternoon. But he’d chosen not to leave Jenna by herself, not when she needed him to be there. He’d decided to come by today and it was probably for the better. Yesterday had been so highly strung, that they’d needed to take stock and figure out the best way to talk to the girls.

I laid down beside Quincy as I brushed the tangled deep gold strands from her face.

“Wakey wakey, Aurora.” I pulled her closer to me even as she tried to squirm away. “Come on Sleeping Beauty it’s time to get up, baby.”

A gravelly whine escaped her throat as she pinched her eyes closed.

I trailed my fingers down her neck to the pronounced dip of her waist, “Don’t make me tickle you.”

“No…” She moaned, her body rolling into mine. “Just five more minutes? I want a cuddle for five minutes more.”

“So do I, but Richard will be here soon and the girls are already up.” I gave her a squeeze as I kissed her temple and then her cheek.

“They’re up?” She turned to me with wide sleep glazed eyes, “You should’ve woken me up. I promised Pippa I’d take her out for breakfast.”

“I know, but you looked so peaceful and the Pop Tarts made her so happy that I left you a little longer whilst I showered.” I traced the soft skin leading up to her breast and the little black dots and dashes hidden under it. “Come on.”

I sat up pulling her with me. Her back to my front.

“I’m so tired and it’s all your fault.” She lolled her head back onto my shoulder.

“I know and I’m going to keep tiring you out.” I smiled into her neck as she reached back and combed her fingers through my damp cropped hair.

She sighed as I stood and lifted her into my arms. Her legs wrapping around my waist as I walked us into the bathroom and sat her on the vanity.

“So cold.” She said sliding her hands under her thighs as I tempered the shower for her.

I could feel her burning gaze on my skin and as I turned around she swept her eyes from my chest to my feet and then up to my face. Her teeth chewing on her bottom lip.

“Get in there and stop looking at me like that when I can’t follow through on your thoughts.”

“You don’t even know what I was thinking.” She stuck her tongue out at me as she got down from the vanity and sauntered into the shower making sure to press her body into mine. Her bum wiggling into my groin.

Jesus, help me.

My dick jumped to attention at the very deliberate contact.

“I have a fair idea.” I muttered hoarsely.

She popped her head out of the shower. Her eyes going down to my semi and her tongue licking her lips. “After this morning fair doesn’t even come into the equation. You’ve been holding out on me Doctor Anson.”

“A man has to take some things deliberately slow. It’s part of the allure.”

I walked out of the bathroom as she replied loud enough to be heard over the gushing water, “Consider me well and truly allured then.”

I pulled on some boxers and opened the drawer next to mine. I fiddled around with the black velvet covered boxes making sure the deep red satin ribbon was still perfectly tied into a bow.

I couldn’t recall ever being this nervous, not even when I’d proposed to Jenna. Why was I so nervous now?

Get your act together, Jamie. She’ll either say yes or no. Nothing you can do about it.

I closed the drawer again and looked around the large space with its bespoke cabinetry and rich, dark timber. The brushed steel railings filled with clothes in one half of the room and the other half lined with floor to ceiling mirrored pop-out doors. The glass covered island that housed my cufflinks, watches and tie pins. And then my eyes went back to the drawer where the boxes were tucked away for her to find.

Don’t say no. Don’t say no. Please don’t say no, baby.

I paused halfway to the bottom drawer to grab a t-shirt as her voice broke the silence.

“If you could stay just. Like. That…” She let out a teasing moan.

“You know; I’m beginning to get the impression that you’re either becoming a perv or you’re just one big tease?” I grabbed the first t-shirt that came to hand and faced her.

“Who says I haven’t been perving all this time?” She looked me up and down as she shrugged her towel off her shoulders.

Even with the small distance between us I could see the goose bumps raise on her skin. Her nipples hardened as the warm air cooled on her damp skin, and my eyes strayed once again to the faint scar on her belly. Every time I looked at it my heart hurt for her, and if that’s how I felt every time I looked at it, I couldn’t even begin to fathom how it affected her. I could understand what she meant by having enough reminders on her.

Her hands spreading over the silvery line unstuck my stare from her skin and I met her gaze. Her smile was almost gone, there was pretty much no trace of it, in its place was a faint grimace.

“I guess that makes you a tease as well as a perv then.” I smiled at her.

It took her a beat to return it.

“Does it?” She walked over to the shelf where she’d left her weekend bag.

She looked over her shoulder at me with a sly smile lighting up her face once again, before she bent over slowly at the waist and raised her bum in the air as she reached down and exposed herself to me. Water droplets ran from the base of her back down her crease. Between her arse cheeks to her pussy and down her thighs.

Holy shit. “Fuck, Quincy.”

“I’d love to, but apparently we’re on a tight schedule.” She emphasised the tight as she wiggled her posterior at me.

I don’t think I’d ever salivated that much. I had to swallow three or four times before I could open my mouth and even then, I couldn’t get my mouth to cooperate with my brain and form actual words.

She stopped halfway up as she jiggled her empty bag. I could just make out her scrunched-up face over her shoulder.

“Where’re my things?” She turned as she straightened. Looking at me utterly confused.

“I put them away.”

“You put them away.” She murmured to herself, her brows still pinched.

“I put them away.” I repeated before I told her where her things were, leaving the underwear drawer for last.

She didn’t say anything in return, instead she reached for the drawer I’d just pointed to. Her eyes still focused on me like she was trying to figure something out in her head. All the while my heart was accelerating and my nerves getting shot.

Her eyes dropped down to the drawer she’d pulled open. It took a second for her thoughts and her speech to get in sync. Her gasp was loud and breathy. One hand clutched her bare chest whilst the other hovered over the boxes. She blinked a few times before she looked over at me and then back at the boxes.

“What’s this?” She ran her fingertips over the black velvet and then she picked up a pair of nude lace knickers and held them up. “These aren’t mine.”

“Do you like them?”

She turned them over as she looked at every detail. “How do you know my size?”

“My sisters.” That had not been an easy conversation and I ended up having to promise to attend the New Year fundraiser gala Dorian was helping a women’s rights charity with. I normally didn’t go to all the events both of my sisters and our parents attended. Not unless they were for a medical cause or I owed one of the twins a favour.

“What did you give them in return?” She looked up at me as she slipped the knickers on. She turned around showing me every angle. “Do you like them?”

Was she being serious? “Yes, very much.”

“Good,” she smiled, “Me too. So what part of your soul did you have to sell to your sisters?”

“I promised we’d go to the end of year fundraiser. “

“We were already going.”

“I know, but they didn’t.”

“Sly, Mr. Anson, very sly.” She ran her index finger down my chest to my navel.

She smiled widely as I picked her up and sat her on the glass top of the island before I handed her the larger of the two boxes.

“Merry Christmas, beautiful.”

Her eyes rounded slightly with a noticeable mix of excitement and bashfulness as she wrapped her legs around my waist and shook the box a little. “What is it?”

“Open it.”

She narrowed her eyes giving me a playful scowl and took a deep breath before she pulled the thin blood red ribbon. Her eyes meeting mine once again as she opened the box. Her boobs jiggled slightly as her breathing quickened.

She was definitely excited, and it was contagious. I could feel it coursing through me and making my stomach somersault.

Her cheeks were slightly rosy and her eyes were shining. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth before she looked down and then she was just silent.

Her legs dropped from my waist and her hand shook as she stroked the old and weathered grey cotton that had once been a darker grey or maybe even black.

“What have you done?” Her gasp was almost inaudible. “How did you even find it?”

“I know people.”

She looked up at me teary and with a smile so wide and bright that it warmed every single inch of me. “You know people?”

She took the book out of the box and opened it to the title page with the original misattribution—by the author of Jane Eyre—her eyes shone even brighter as she fingered her great-grandmother’s name, the pen marks now almost imperceptible.

“I can’t believe you found it.” She traced the title she’d read more times than either she or I could count.

Wuthering Heights had been her favourite since she’d spent a whole term listening to me moan about it as I prepared for my English Literature exam. When Batshit Lizzie had given it to her on her thirteenth birthday it became her most beloved possession for the two years she had it.

“Technically I didn’t, Jake’s uncle did.” I wiped the tear that rolled down her cheek. “You should’ve never had to sell it. If Phillip and I hadn’t been idiots and fucked around with the Ganja brothers, you never would have sold it. You loved that book more than anything and when Phillip told me how you’d gotten the money for us I felt so fucking terrible. So, really this isn’t an actual gift, more of a return. The gift is inside.”

She searched my face as she cupped my cheek. Her thumb grazing over my skin. “Even back then, I loved you more than this book. I wasn’t ever truly upset about the book itself.”

“You weren’t?”

She laughed silently as she shook her head, “Maybe a little, but mostly I was furious because the pair of you had gotten yourselves into so much trouble. I mean, two posh boys trying to roll around with some seasoned drug dealer’s bitches, really?”

It hadn’t been one of my finest moments, I’ll admit, but Phillip and I had some pretty funny times because of it. Until it went bad. “Hey, it was good weed.”

“It wasn’t that good.” She grimaced.

“How’d you know?”

“Willow knew where your stash was and she most definitely took advantage.”

“Clearly, she had no idea where we kept the good stuff because we would’ve noticed it go walkies.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the thorough roll of her eyes. “Whatever, it just made me feel sick.”

“Serves you all right for taking what wasn’t yours! Anyway, it was all a misunderstanding, and we ended up getting all the money back once Phillip, Richard and I threatened Trevor and Anthony with telling their parents they were trying to grow weed in their shed. But when we went to see the old boy back at the antique shop someone had already bought the book, luckily as it turns out, your doodling meant that no one else found it as desirable. And anyway, who doodles and highlights in a first edition classic?”

“I do.”

She kissed my lips lightly before she went back to the book. She leafed through it cautiously and carefully. Her delicate fingers roaming over the words she loved so dearly.

“It’s between the pages of your favourite chapter, right by your favourite quote.” I brushed her hair behind her shoulders as she went straight to chapter six, and like it couldn’t bear to remain undiscovered the thin gold bracelet fell onto her lap.

She closed the book and laid it back inside the velvet box. Her eyes meeting mine as she fingered the tiny gold beads and bars on the delicate chain.

“This is too much, Jamie.” She whispered as she looked down at the thin string of minuscule links connected by just as small dots and dashes.

I took the chain from her fingers and clasped it around her small wrist. “Ugh-ugh…it’s nowhere near enough,” I kissed the inside of her wrist and then the top of her head. “I have a lot of Christmases to make up for. A lot of things I’ve wanted to give you, but I never could because it wasn’t the right time. I can give you every single one now, and more.”

She nodded slowly, making the argument I’d already penned out in my mind unnecessary.

“I haven’t given you my gift yet. Still.”

“I thought that’s what earlier was.” I’d be more than happy with just her. In fact, that’s all I wanted. Her.

“Oh no, that was just a pre-morning good morning.”

“A what?”

“It can’t be a present or a gift because I want more of that all the time.” She smiled brightly up at me. Her teeth sinking into her bottom lip and the apples of her cheeks flushing a deep pink.

“Me too, which brings us to this.” I held my hand out to her with the smaller box on my palm.

“What’s this?” Her eyes widened as she looked at the box closer. Her fingers frantically tucking her long layered fringe behind her ears.

“Not what you’re thinking, but it’s our first step to that. I hope.”

“You don’t even know what I was thinking.” She repeated her words from earlier in a breathy whisper.

“I have a fair idea.”

She studied me intently before murmuring, “You don’t even know what fair is. You’ve always had the advantage. Always had the upper hand.”

“And what is that?”

She took the hand that rested on her thigh and brought it up to her chest. She laid it right over her heart as she took a deep breath. Her breaths came with the same beating rhythm of her heart.

“It’s always been yours, Jamie. It may be a little ragged and it might’ve seen better days. It’s not perfect, but it’s yours.”

I didn’t quite know what to do. I wanted to kiss her, but at the same time I didn’t want to take my eyes off hers.

“I don’t want perfect, sweetheart, I want this one. Every piece. Every cracked, broken, scarred and love filled piece is, has been and will only ever be yours. And all I want is you, so I think that sounds pretty fucking perfect to me.”

“It does.” Her lips stretched into a watery smile and as I took my hand from her bare chest and opened the box her eyes rounded.

“I will marry you someday. I don’t know when just yet, maybe when we’re old and wrinkly and our kids have their own kids. Maybe next month or the year after next. I don’t know when, but it doesn’t matter either way. A title and a ring are nothing when I get to have you. To have this.” A small tear ran down her cheek as I placed my hand back on her heart. “The only thing that matters is that you’re mine and I’m yours. Which is why I’m giving you this. I don’t like to be parted from what’s mine and since you’re selling your house anyway…”

“You’re giving me a key.”

“Not just any key, my sister’s key. She gave it back to me after you gave it back to her, she said it should be yours, and I completely agree.”

Her face fell serious as she cleared her throat and took the key from the box. Her breath hitching at the small book charm with her favourite quote—they forgot everything the minute they were together again.

“I never forgot you, Quincy, but the moment I saw you again I forgot about everything else. I think that at some point that made me a bad person. It made me a bad husband and even though you brought out the worst in me then, you are the best part of me. And I know that’s nonsensical, but so long as I’m with you, I’m a better person. You make me want to be a better person for you. Nothing else mattered back then, nothing but you, and so long as we’re together nothing else will matter.”

“But our girls.”

I lifted her hand between us pointing at the dots and dashes as I said the words, “You, me, we…us. Everything that makes us. Our girls. Our home. Our love.”

“So much cheese…” She teased as she dotted and dashed her fingertips over the beads and bars. Her smile bright and radiant.

“That’s what you do to my brain.”

Quincy

“Oh my God, Beth, I wanted to tease him so badly but when I looked at that quote it was like my brain froze and try as hard as I did I couldn’t get the right words to form in my head let alone send the message down to my mouth. I’ve known him all my life and somehow he still manages to render my brain completely useless with his romantic cheese.” I sighed as I tied the surgical gown at my waist.

Beth and I were both scrubbing in whilst the eight-year-old that had been transferred in via Air Ambulance after sudden cardiac arrest was being prepped. She’d collapsed during a horse riding lesson. She’d been perfectly fine until she wasn’t. Heart attacks in children weren’t exactly your everyday occurrence, but I’d seen enough to know what we were about to walk into.

“So did you give him an answer?” Beth gave me one of her looks that told me not to leave her hanging.

“Not at first. He said all those amazing and beautiful things and I was just stunned into a silent stupor. Have I said how perfectly romantic he was?”

“And he let you in his walk-in wardrobe, babe?”

“Yeah?”

“He’s so lush, tell me you are going to pack all your shit and give him what he wants.”

“Everything was great, until we sat for breakfast and I started thinking. What if things don’t work out? I mean both of us don’t have a great track record. And then there’s the girls. This whole situation must be so confusing for them. Can you imagine what it must feel like when you live with your best friend’s dad and your best friend lives with your dad?”

“I expect it feels a lot less confusing and a whole lot better than finding out that your parents are siblings and being an abomination to all the other kids in the playground and everyone else in the whole cocking village.” She shrugged.

That was why I loved Beth, she was Welsh through and through. Her bedside manner was impeccable, but her tongue was sharp, brash and to the point.

“Your parents are related?” What on earth?

“Yes, well, no. They’re not blood relatives, they’re step-siblings but at that age you don’t really understand the difference and neither do the kids around you.” She said very matter of fact as we readied to go into the sterile room. “My point is that both of the girls are already used to your romantically dysfunctional relationship. Do you really think that living together is going to change how they already see things?”

Would it?

That was the problem, I didn’t know, and it was playing havoc with my head.

“Let me answer that for you,” She pushed the door open with her back as her bright green eyes met mine. “It won’t and you already know that because I know you said yes.”

“How do you know I said yes?”

“Because I know everything. You know that Donna woman in the series with Prince Harry’s lady?”

“Suits?”

“Yes, that’s the one. I’m the nurse equivalent of her. I know everything. I see everything. I hear everything. I’ve got more little birdies than Lord fucking Varys.”

“How much television do you watch?”

She looked over her shoulder at me as she checked the supplies one more time. “Unlike you, I don’t have a sexy hotshot neurosurgeon keeping me otherwise engaged. But if you change your mind about the whole thing, I’ll gladly swap with you and take him up on his offer for you.”

“You’d do that to me?”

“Hey, you snooze you lose my friend. Simples.”

“Christ, sometimes you’re as bad as Willow.”

“Speak of the devil, she was in the emergency room the other evening. I was going to see her but I was run off my feet and by the time I got a moment she was gone.”

That was news to me. Willow hadn’t mentioned anything to either me, Dorian or Jamie. If she had said anything to them, they hadn’t said anything to me. Strange.

“Are you sure it was her?”

“Positive. She was wearing those ridiculously flared jeans and she had that reddish pink blouse that I love on. Plus, I’ve spent enough time drinking with her to know it was her.”

That’s exactly what Willow had been wearing when she’d left Jamie’s the other night. “Are you sure she wasn’t waiting for someone?”

“She could’ve been, but she looked terrible. Her hair was all over the place and her make-up was messed up. I only saw her from a distance, but I know her well enough to know how flawless she normally looks. Oh shit…”

The room went completely and eerily silent for a fraction of a second. It was like we could feel the chaos coming. Almost like you could feel the ground shifting and the air particles vibrating frantically around you.

And then all hell broke loose.

My heart slowed even as the adrenaline pumped harder through every one of my veins.

My fidgety hands stilled and every joint loosened.

My eyesight became clearer and vivid.

Every single one of my synapses was firing and making me alert to everything going on around the room.

“Raj, bag. Beth, start compressions.”

I watched as Raj followed my instruction and then Beth carried out the compressions for the next few minutes. Both she and Raj working together as everyone else in the room continued with their own roles. Nothing ever stayed still for long. Time never stopped completely. We never stopped.

“No rhythm.” The ODP said over all the machinery and Beth’s partially mental count.

“Come on, girl!” She murmured as she continued compressions.

“Still nothing.” Raj’s eyes met mine, pleading. “We’ve been doing this for eight minutes now.”

Shit. Please don’t die on me. It’s still pretty much Christmas. Hold on, please hold on.

“Adrenaline, Alan.”

The ODP prepped the syringe before handing it to Raj and taking over the ventilation mask.

“Ms. Cavendish, we’re not getting anywhere.”

“Do not stop Mr. Agarwal. Adrenaline.”

“Quincy!”

“Don’t fucking stop Raj!”

He froze momentarily like a deer in the headlights. His eyes narrowed on mine.

“Adrenaline administered.”

“Thank you. Beth? You okay?”

“Dandy. Absolutely fucking dandy.” Her hands remained steady and the compressions perfectly timed even as her breathing became laboured from the exertion.

Raj took over the bag again, his gaze permanently split between the patient and the monitor.

“Thirty seconds and we shock.”

Alan stepped away from the table and brought the resus trolley over. My heart squeezed as I looked down at the young girl’s pale face. Her skin was already taking on a blue tinge as she was showing signs of Cyanosis. She wasn’t getting enough oxygen.

She was as good as dead.

I needed nothing short of a miracle to get her out of that theatre in anything other than a body bag.

I don’t know how it happened but after six hours and forty-seven minutes and another close brush we made it out of surgery with our patient holding on and fighting through. I’d managed to repair the Aortic valve. I still wasn’t sure whether that would be enough with all the trauma the organ had been through, but if there was ever a time for hoping and praying for some sort of divine intervention this was it.

I was beyond exhausted. I just wanted to get home and slip into bed beside Jamie. Right after I gave my baby a cuddle and told her how much I loved her.

That’s the thing about seeing a child on the brink of death, it made you very aware of how lucky you were to have a healthy child of your own. But for me, it also made me think of the not so lucky ones, like Theo, who didn’t make it.

I looked over her vitals one more time. The steady rhythm of the ventilator drowning out her mother’s sobs as she sat there watching with equal parts dread and hope glimmering in her eyes. Her hands shaking above her child like she was scared to touch her. It was soul shattering witnessing her pain. One that although was foreign to me, at the same time was so familiar.

People often asked why and how I’d continued specialising in Paediatric heart surgery after what had happened, it was never something I could explain. But times like these, they were the reason. Maybe it was nonsensical and irrational, but watching and feeling that pain—a pain that was so unlike mine—a pain that wasn’t just a deep and cutting loss but the knowledge that your child was suffering, it made me grateful that I had been spared that.

I was grateful that my son had never felt pain. My baby had never known the panic and desolation of feeling life seep from him.

For that alone I was thankful.

It brought me a kind of begrudging peace in knowing that I’d done the suffering for him.

Looking at the utterly crippled woman sat there unsure of how to make it better for her daughter was crushing. She looked as small as her child. Her skin just as sallow.

“You can touch her…hold her hand.”

She sighed as her reddened eyes met mine.

Hell.

That was all I saw in that one look.

A long torturous sob ripped through her and slammed right into me.

“She doesn’t look like my little girl.” She whined as her hands grasped at the edge of the white sheet. Her eyes following me as I rounded the bed to her side. “I don’t want to hurt her. She looks so breakable…too pale. So cold.”

“She’s a fighter.” I crouched down as I took the small, cold hand in mine and placed it into her mother’s, “Here.”

She didn’t say anything, she just watched her child’s limp hand as it rested on hers and her tears spattered onto the lustreless skin. Her whole body shaking with her agony.

“Thank you.” She whispered.

She shouldn’t have thanked me. I didn’t want her to, and I don’t even know why but it just didn’t feel right. It never did.

It wasn’t until I’d filled the ward matron in on all the particulars that I left them. And by that time my shift was almost over. I had under an hour till I could go home and not worry about anything else other than sleep and the girls.

I couldn’t remember ever feeling this tired. I’d spent quite a few of my days off the last couple of weeks doing shift swaps so I could get the rest of the year off. Add all the late nights with Jamie to that and I was pretty much running on coffee, sex and well, sex really.

There was a lot of that happening. Probably more than I’d had in the last six or seven years. How Jamie still found it in himself to make it to the gym, I had no idea. The man was a machine. A very talented one at that.

Just the thought of him had me blushing. It wasn’t until yesterday morning that I realised that I’d let him do anything he wanted to me. Anything at all. And he knew it.

The way he maneuvered everything surrounding me, and even me, told me that he knew exactly how far I was willing to go with him. But, that didn’t exactly mean that I wasn’t second guessing myself. He’d very cunningly worked in marriage and kids with the whole moving in thing because he knew that those things would make living together seem like no biggy.

Except it was.

I hadn’t lived with a man in over six years. The last time I’d lived with a man everything had gone tits up the moment life got very real. But then, Jamie had been there for the worst of it. He’d taken it upon himself to push all the debris together, and piece by piece, he helped fix me. Or at least he’d tried. There were still cracks and fissures that would never go away, but he knew all about them, and he didn’t mind any of those things. He just wanted me.

I wanted him.

But kids? I hadn’t thought about babies and pregnancy unless I was talking to Richard and Jenna or getting my contraception sorted. I was quite happy with just Pippa. Just the thought of being pregnant and having all that stress of whether the baby would make it or not was opening a whole new can of worms. It made me nervous and anxious. Again, my track record on that front wasn’t exactly great. Out of two pregnancies I only had one child.

Why would I put myself through all that again? Especially when we already had two beautiful girls between us.

What if he really wanted more kids? What if it was a deal breaker for him?

Shit, you really haven’t thought any of this through.

That’s all I could think. I’d said yes to moving in with him and I hadn’t actually thought of all the other things he’d mentioned.

He was fucking dangerous with his romantic words and his broody charm.

He’d allured me alright, and now I was panicking because I’d been too wrapped up in him to actually think about what he’d said.

Sure, he’d said old and wrinkly, but he didn’t mess around. He didn’t wait for anything. Let alone age and wrinkles.

What is wrong with you?

I was acting like a silly teenager making big decisions on a whim, just like I had with Richard.

Except he’s not Richard.

He’d never been and never would be anything like Richard. He’d always be the boy that grew into the man that I had loved all my life. And it wasn’t a simple and straightforward love either. It’d been weathered and stretched and it had never weakened or broken.

So why was I even arguing with myself over it?

Because you’re an idiot?

No, because if we failed, I’d lose him. And by that logic, if he wanted all those things and I couldn’t give them to him, then I’d inadvertently fail him.

I’d lose him.

I rapped lightly on Jenna’s room door. I wanted to try and talk to her on her own about her decision to apply the DNR to her file. I got that the risks were serious and the complications were tremendous, but her decision wasn’t sitting well with me.

I knew I couldn’t come right out and tell her that it was the wrong decision. Especially not after Sam had called me out on my inability to remain objective. This may not have been my case, but I’d taken it upon myself to follow up with her Obstetrics Consultant, because it was personal. Jenna and I may not have been besties, but she was mother to Jamie’s daughter and pretty much my ex-husband’s wife. The child I could potentially end up taking under my care was my daughter’s sibling. It couldn’t get more personal unless it was Pippa.

Which was why I had to step away completely. I should’ve done it when Sam called me out. I knew that her care team would’ve been as diligent as I was, but a part of me wanted to make sure that what happened to Theo wouldn’t happen to her and Richard’s baby. Despite all the years I’d spent begrudging and hating his ability to compartmentalise our loss, I knew that he’d felt it too. He’d never been the same after it, but we were finally trying to move on and I couldn’t see him suffer again.

Like Jamie he’d been my friend at one time. Once upon a time I’d loved him in one way or another. Not in the way that I’d always loved Jamie, but enough to marry him and have children with him.

I knocked again, a little louder this time before I opened the door.

There was nobody in there. It had been cleaned and it was ready for a new patient.

Shit, I needed to explain to Jenna that she didn’t need the Do Not Resuscitate order in her file. Not when she had one of the best, if not the best, Obstetrics and Neonatal teams looking after her and her baby.

“Quincy?”

I turned just as I was reaching the Antenatal ward doors.

“What are you doing here?” Sam asked looking a little affronted.

“I was just going to pop in on Jenna…see how she’s doing?”

She shook her head as a dry laugh left her lips. “You must be a glutton for punishment.”

“Excuse me?” Her tone gave way to my irritation. Irritation that I should’ve breathed out and blown well away from me.

She studied me for a second as I tried to tamp down my already frayed mood.

“I know you weren’t coming to see my patient about her no code, because that would be grossly unprofessional leaning toward emotional coercion.”

“We both know she’s making a mistake. She’s not protecting herself or the baby, she’s just scared.”

“Oh, good God, Quincy, are you that much of a wreck that you would put your ex-husband’s wife and child ahead of your career?” She sneered. “I feel for you, he never had that much regard for you when he was fucking anything with a vagina that walked his way.”

“I’m not doing this with you.” I turned to leave, pressing the door release button.

“I suppose I understand why you’re overcompensating, seeing as you wrecked her home.”

I spun towards her and before I even had the chance to stop myself, my fist had landed right on her perfect little nose.

Sam cupped her face as her thick, vermillion blood dripped down her jaw. Her watering eyes glistening.

“You’re going to regret that.” She spat, her words muffled and gurgled.

“No, I won’t. The only thing I regret is not doing it sooner.” I looked her over before I turned and released the door again. “You’re the homewrecker, Sam, the only husband I’ve ever fucked was my own. Shame the same can’t be said for you.”

With that I walked away. My heart still pumping furiously and my hand pulsing.

Shit, that felt so good.

Jamie

The girls didn’t want to go back home with me. I think with how Richard had explained the situation yesterday, they were completely thrown off. Molly had asked me more than once when we were alone whether her mummy or the baby were going to die. She was scared shitless.

That had to be one of the worst moments of my life, if not the worst. I couldn’t promise her that everything was going to be okay, I knew better than that, but she was my little girl. How can you try and really explain something like that to a child when not even a grown-up can make sense of it? And it wasn’t just her. Pippa was just as preoccupied. She’d gone as far as to tell me that she did not want her mummy to have a baby. Her exact words had been a lot more brutal. They also made me realise that although they were still our babies, that their mentality was far too mature.

When a six-year-old tells you that if you really love their mother you won’t do that to her—that being getting them pregnant—you can’t help but think of just how much they pick up on what’s around them. It also makes you wonder how many other things they misunderstand or what they understand that they shouldn’t really because they’re still too young.

The whole drive back home was filled with worries about how they were going to get through the rest of Jenna’s pregnancy and of what would happen if things did go wrong. On top of that, Quincy’s worries about how the girls would cope with more change kept weighing in.

In the grand scheme of things, they probably wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. The last two days they’d been pretty content with everything. Until we had the talk with Richard.

It wasn’t his fault. He’d done better than I’d expected. He didn’t just focus on Pippa; he’d really taken the time to explain everything, within reason, to Molly. And that had been a relief because I kept trying to think of how I was going to talk to her, but he did it all. He’d sat both of the girls on his lap and told them the measured truth.

I won’t lie and say that a part of me wasn’t frustrated that he could do that for my daughter, but another part of me was relieved.

Jenna was Molly’s mother. I may not love her the way I once had, but I still cared. I cared that she would be around for our daughter. Our little girl needed her.

I was just about to turn onto my road, still lost in my head when my phone started going crazy. With messages at first and then Beth’s name lit up my screen. It was one of those times where that sixth sense everyone talks about kicked in. I just had a bad feeling. Beth never called me. She was very close with Quincy and although we’d gotten to know each other very well because of it, she never actually called me unless it was an emergency. If she needed me for anything she normally paged me from one of the hospital numbers.

I pressed the answer button on the steering wheel before she went to voicemail. “Hello?”

“Ummm, hi Jamie. Sorry to bother you, but I was just wondering if Quincy’s with you? I wanted to make sure she’s okay.” She sounded slightly out of breath and her voice was a little pitched.

“No, she’s not with me, why? What’s happened?”

“Oh shit…fuck…okay…”

What the hell?

She sounded flustered and worried.

“Is everything okay?” I asked as I entered the code for the garage.

“Listen, I don’t know what happened. I heard from one of the Antenatal lot that she and Sam had a run in.”

I parked in my spot and pressed the start/stop button to kill the engine.

“A run in?”

“What it is, we had a bit of a rough one and she wasn’t in the greatest headspace, but she was fine. So, I don’t know how she ended up breaking Doctor Sterling’s nose. Everyone is talking about it.”

She did what?

“What do you mean she broke Sam’s nose?”

“Apparently she just decked her in the middle of the ward. The nurse that told me said that he didn’t even see it coming. I’ve tried her phone but she’s not answering. I thought that maybe she was with you and…”

“I’ve only just got home, I’m still in the car. I haven’t seen her or heard from her today. I thought that she might still be in theatre.”

I’d never known Quincy to get physically aggressive. She was the least confrontational person I’d ever come across.

She’d seemed so happy when she left for work yesterday afternoon. We’d had a good day. I knew she was still processing the moving in thing, but she was chirpy.

That alone told me that something had happened, and considering she was in Antenatal, it had to have something to do with Jenna.

Quincy had been anxious every time I’d mentioned Jenna since I’d left them in the hospital room. I knew it’d been a bad idea leaving the three of them alone—my ex-wife, my girlfriend and her ex-husband’s bit on the side.

“Listen, Beth, I need to go. If you hear anything let me know.”

“Yeah, alright. Listen though, can you send me a text or something just so I know she’s okay?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks, Jamie. I hope she’s fine.”

“Me too. Thanks for calling. Bye, Beth.”

“Bye.” She ended the call.

She sounded genuinely concerned and I was beginning to worry about why Quincy hadn’t tried to call me.

I held down the call button until my phone asked for instruction.

“Call Quincy iPhone.”

I drummed my fingers on the supple black leather of my steering wheel. Something felt off. I should’ve told her to step back and forget about it until she was needed. If she was needed.

The loud ringing was making me feel anxious the longer it went on.

Come on, baby, pick up the phone.

I was about to hang up and retry when she answered. She didn’t say anything. The only sound coming from my speakers was the breeze wherever she was.

“Quincy? Hello?”

“Hey.” She replied. Her voice was low and barely audible over the bluster of the wind.

“Hey, baby. Where are you?”

“At the park.”

“Quincy, sweetheart, there are a gazillion parks in London. You have to be more specific.” I already knew which park she’d be at. She’d always loved to sit at the very top of the hill and watch the bustling city in the background.

“I just need some time alone…to think.” Her already rough and low voice broke slightly before she cleared her throat.

She’s crying. She’s hurting and you aren’t there to make it even slightly better.

“I need to think.” She said again this time a little clearer.

“Are you okay?”

Of course she’s not, moron.

“I don’t know. Jamie, I messed up and I just need to think about things.”

“Okay.” I pressed the ignition button and made my way out of the garage again. “I love you, baby.”

“You too.”

Quincy was in a not so great place, and tonight I was going to make sure that she forgot about the shit storm going on in her head for a while. I was going to do everything I could to make her laugh. I was going to make sure that she knew that even though not everything was perfect, that it would get better.

We were going into a new year, and I was going to do whatever it took to make it a fresh start for her heart. She’d said that her heart was battered and bruised—imperfect—but to me it was the opposite of everything she thought. It was big and encompassing. It loved with every inch and cared with every beat. To me that was as beautifully perfect as a heart could get.

Which was why a part of me felt guilty that I was part of the reason she was struggling. To be truthful, I didn’t just feel guilty—I felt helpless. I knew that she wasn’t great with change. Which was why I tried to make every big step seem insignificant. I tried to downplay everything because her coping mechanisms were beyond stretched at the minute.

I poured another dram of the caramely warmth into my tumbler and took a small sip as I recalled our conversation four days ago at the very top of Primrose Hill.

She hadn’t expected me to go to her and just sit while she found her feet. The reality was that I was scared she’d lose sight of us. I couldn’t let her do that, so I’d somewhat selfishly gone and just sat next to her as a reminder that despite all the chaos going on inside, that I’d always be there just like I’d always been. And now there was nothing stopping me from being everything and anything she needed.

We’d sat for hours in silence whilst every possible emotion in existence fleeted across her face and rippled through her. I painstakingly watched as she silently cried through a lot of it. Then she’d had this look on her face that had all her delicately beautiful features scrunched up and hardened in anger. Her feelings matching the cold and cloudy afternoon that was darkening.

She turned to me slightly before she laid on her back looking at the blue tinged, dark grey sky. I thought she was going to cry again as she looked up at me, searching my face. She did this really unceremonious sniff-snort thing that was so un-Quincy-like. And then she laughed. She laughed so hard that she did end up crying again…and snorting all at the same time.

What the fuck is going on?

I’d thought that for a couple of minutes before I laid down next to her on the damp grass. My arse numb from sitting on the soggy ground for so long. She turned on her side to face me, her body still wracking with her laughter that was now dying down.

She took a deep breath before she grew serious again.

“I’ve been trying so hard to find some remorse,” she rolled her eyes like it was the most ludicrous endeavour, “But it felt so good, Jamie. So. Fucking. Brilliantly. Good.”

I bet it did.

“I’ve seen her smug bitch face almost every day for the last seven years and I’ve smiled. I’ve been nice. I did the right, professional thing…” She continued as her eyes glassed over with a mixture of pain, sadness and relief. “I’ve carried on like nothing ever happened. Like…like she hadn’t crossed a line. Like I was the wrong one.”

My hands ached to touch her, to soothe her, but I knew that’s not what she needed. Not right then. She’d done the acting and now she was thinking. Although I was worried about the fall out, I was also so fucking proud of her for not running and taking a stand for herself.

“Quincy—”

“No. Listen. Just listen.” She put her finger to my lips. “I was heavily pregnant and she was fucking my husband. He wouldn’t even touch me, but he couldn’t get enough of her.”

She laughed dryly again.

“It wasn’t just her. He didn’t pick her over you in that sense. She was just another woman.”

“I know that, but I didn’t see the others. I saw him and her, and the thing is I couldn’t unsee it. All the others…I could pretend were just rumours. I built up this bubble around me that was just me and the baby in my belly. I knew everyone knew. I saw the pity and the perplexity in their faces when they didn’t think I was looking. I heard them talk when they didn’t know I was listening. I chose to ignore it.” She sighed heavily as she shook her head. “I was an idiot. An absolute fool. And you know what makes it all worse?”

She looked at me expectantly even though I knew the question was rhetorical.

“I was thinking a lot about everything today, and in all my thoughts about him and I, it was always that I’d loved him just enough to marry him. Just enough to have children with him. How deficient and puerile is that?

“What if we hadn’t lost Theo? I keep asking myself that and wondering if I’d have just carried on with our under par marriage and our measurable feelings.” She looked away then and focused on something behind me.

All the while I was rendered silent by her unabashed and undamped vulnerability. I’d asked myself all those things too. I never understood why my intelligent and beautiful girl settled for someone that didn’t appreciate and love her enough to make her the centre of his world. To make her his everything.

She opened her mouth a couple of times as she drank the cold, damp air into her lungs and then breathed it back out. Her eyes never moving from whatever she’d set them on even as her breath fogged in front of her.

“How could I love someone else more than the man I’d promised my future to? How could I love him so much and want him so desperately that my husband’s touch felt wrong and dirty?” Her eyes closed and when she opened them again they snapped right to mine. “I didn’t want to be intimate with him. But I felt so guilty for pushing him away and being so awful to him even after he’d told me how sorry he was for everything. He’d begged me to forgive him and I had done so, with my words, because I felt like it was my duty as his wife to do it. I’ve never been good at letting go. At giving up or losing. It didn’t even last long, I was so mixed up inside that I didn’t get anything out of it, but I desperately wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to do one thing right to atone for my failure to him. To our son.”

She let the words hang in between us for a while before she took another deep breath. Her eyes darkened, her pupils growing as the light amber at the centre of her irises bled into the deep blue. And as much as it was killing me to hear so candidly of her intimacy with another man, it pained me nowhere near as much as the thought that she felt like she’d failed. That titbit was rampaging through my chest, straight through my heart.

“You didn’t fail, sweetheart.” I rested my hand lightly over hers on her waist.

“I do know that, but even now, sometimes I still think I did. And back then, I believed it with the same certainty that I need air to live.” She shrugged. “When I found out I was pregnant with Pippa from that one night, I was so angry. I didn’t want her, Jamie, and it shames me to say it. I feel so ashamed to this day that even after losing Theo, I wanted to get rid of her. To dispose of her beautiful life because she wasn’t the baby I’d already lost. I was angry at myself and my body for allowing it to happen. I was so disgusted that a part of him was growing inside me, because after all his promises and apologies he went back to her. He was still fucking her.

“Do you want to know the worst part of finding him with her?”

No. No, I don’t.

I was barely holding on to my composure as it was. I hadn’t expected this conversation, well not the extent of it anyway. I was unexpecting and unprepared.

“It wasn’t the actual finding them. It wasn’t walking into that room and realising that he’d been lying to me again, that he wasn’t sorry. It was the way he was looking at her as she-she…as she…” She shook her head slightly like she was shaking the image from her Limbic system. “The look in his eyes like he wasn’t even there. Like she was nothing. Why would he do that to me with someone who meant nothing? With the fucking cat lady? Why would he go back to her?”

Her small laugh was caustic.

“Sweetheart…”

“I hate her, Jamie, I hate her so much that today, when she said those shitty things to me, I couldn’t reign it in anymore.” The stone cold expression returned to her stunning face as her blue eyes became glacial. “She had the audacity to call me a homewrecker.”

She pointed at herself, digging her finger right into her chest. “Me.”

A wave of angry heat ran through me as I gritted, “You are not a homewrecker.”

“I took from you what wasn’t mine to take. I let you give me the love and comfort that belonged to someone else. And I know I should feel bad about it, that I should be remorseful, but I’m not. Not one tiny bit. I’m not sorry for taking what you gave me when you weren’t free to do so and I’m definitely not sorry for breaking her fucking nose. It felt good and right and I should’ve done it when I walked into the on-call room seven years ago. I should’ve given her the tantamount physical pain to my emotional one.”

We were both quiet for a moment. Just the muted buzz of the light drizzle peppering the grass around us in the foggy evening light.

“In all my time at counselling I didn’t feel a drop of the relief and contentment I felt the moment I realised what I’d done and saw her bloodied face. Maybe it was the adrenaline, but it was freeing.”

“I can understand that, but she’s not going to take it lying down.”

“She didn’t. She ran straight to Rupert.” She sucked in her cheeks and then breathed out. “He called me earlier—”

“And?”

“He’s suspending me for the next three weeks, or until I can find it in myself to apologise to her…formally.” She shrugged like it was something that happened all the time.

“What do you want to do?”

“I have the next few weeks off, and then I have a lot to do house wise. Moving is a big thing.”

“Quincy, you don’t have to rush. I don’t want to make things harder for you. You have a lot going on as it is, we can take things slow.”

Her face fell and her eyes rounded on me like she was panicking.

“I don’t want to. Well, some of it I do, but the living with you part…I want that. A lot.” She traced her fingers over my damp face. “But I need you to understand that there are things that I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for.”

“All I want and all I need is you. Everything else, all the rest, is a bonus.” I squeezed her hip slightly.

“I need to say it so you know what I mean. I don’t ever want you to feel like I misled you. I need to give you the opportunity to choose me above the other things you mentioned yesterday.”

“I choose you, baby.” I dragged her a little closer to me. “It’s always been you and it’ll always be you.”

“Even if I can’t give you another child?” Her throat bobbed as she swallowed. “I might never be ready for that. I love the idea of it, but I-I-I can’t…the thought makes me anxious and-and-an—”

“I still choose you.”

Her breath hitched and her features relaxed a little.

“The marriage part is something I could work up to. I think maybe if I started seeing Rebecca again, that I could work through my issues with it. Maybe? I don’t know? But I’m…I would like to work towards that with you. I just need time, you know?”

“I’ll give you all the time you need, sweetheart, and if marriage isn’t something that you ever want again? I’m still choosing you.”

“You do? You are?”

I would always choose her and as I sat waiting for her to finish getting ready for the gala, I was more certain of it than anything else.

Of course, a part of me still hoped that one day she’d be ready for all those things, but if she never were? I would be more than happy to just have her and our girls.

We’d spent a long time working our way to this point. Slowly edging toward what we wanted. The reality was that although I did want to marry her and just the thought of having a child with her excited me, it was her that I wanted above all those things. And it wasn’t just having her, it was making her happy. Every nucleotide of my DNA was marked to make her happy. To give her everything she needed.

That was all I wanted and that would be my most important role.

I took one last swill of my drink, finishing it as I heard the tapping of her heels in the hallway coming closer and becoming silent as she stepped onto the rug in front of me.

Oh God, that was all I could think as I took her in.

Her honeycomb hair was tousled to one side in light, carefree waves that just grazed the fullest part of her bust. The deep wine-red velvet dress hugged the curves and dips of her body before it just about grazed the floor around her feet.

The exposed slithers of skin at her waist making my mouth water as my eyes travelled up to the low slashed décolletage showing just a small hint of her perfect plump boobs before closing off at her neck again.

She tilted her head to the side as though feeling bashful. Her dusky rose lips pursing slightly as she looked at me from under her thick, deep midnight lashes. The satin barely there pink blush of her cheeks deepened slightly before she turned her back to me.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

She straightened her back as she combed her hair over her shoulder, completely exposing her back all the way to the top of her pert and rounded bum.

“I managed the bottom zip, but that top one is impossible to do up without help.” She said as she looked down at the floor, her voice a little grainy and tinged with lustrous smoke. “Would you mind?”

I could barely push up from the arm of the sofa thanks to my stiff, shaking hands. The creamy, barely freckled skin of her back making it impossible to think about anything else other than brushing the soft fabric off her shoulders. Working the slightly puffy short sleeves down her arms.

“Jamie?” She murmured as she looked over her shoulder.

“Hmmm?”

“My zip.”

Her zip.

Shit.

Her fucking zip.

“I’ve done the hook and eye,” She pulled her shoulders back. “The beading on the trim is the tricky part, it makes the zip stiff, you need to really yank it up, but gently.”

Did she really need to say stiff and yank in the same sentence?

I cleared my throat as I ran my hands over her soft, warm exposed skin and followed her instructions with the zipper. Pulling the glimmering and shimmering fabric taught over her shoulder blades as the beaded trim framed her back in a diamond that emphasised the sexy dip of her waist on either side.

She twirled around to face me her eyes raking me from my feet to my face, “You like?”

I could think of many other more fitting words than like.

“More than. You look stunning, sweetheart.”

She bit the corner of her lip as the other side of her mouth curved up in a smile.

“You don’t look so bad yourself.” She blushed, her breath catching as she pulled my black silk bow tie tighter. “I can’t wait to get back home.”

“We already are home and we don’t have to go anywhere.”

She gave me a light and girly giggle.

“I bet you’d like that, but a promise is a promise and I’m looking forward to spending the night dancing in your arms.”

“When you put it like that—”

She gripped the lapels of my tux jacket and pulled me down to her. Her lips crushing onto mine hungrily as she moaned.

Her teeth sunk down into my bottom lip as her arms wrapped around my neck. Her tongue licking away the pinch of her teeth before tasting mine.

She let out something between a sigh and a groan as my hands squeezed her hips pulling her groin flush with mine. Her fingers tangled and pulled at the barely long enough hair at my nape. The tip of her gold sandals touching the toes of my dress shoes as she rolled onto the balls of her feet, pressing herself closer to me before she pulled away and quickly dropped another kiss on my lips.

“Mmmm, I love the way you taste in general, but after whisky…” She rubbed her fingers over my lips wiping her lipstick off.

She looked up at me again as she shrugged and picked up the small, gold bejewelled bag from the arm of the sofa and started for the door. Her fingers lightly cleaning up around her lips as she hummed the melody to George Michaels’ Faith.

She was happy. I could feel the happiness radiating from her and it was cathartic and contagious.

Quincy

I was treading that thin line between tipsy and not sober. I had that sweet and cosy warmth in my belly as Jamie swayed us to the soft piano melody and the soothing lyrical vocal. His hands splayed on the exposed skin of my back as my fingers twirled and pulled at the hair at his nape. The closeness of our bodies hot and lulling as he twirled us around the packed dance floor. And although I could feel the quick and strong beating of his heart with my own, the peace engulfing me in that moment was precious and beautiful.

The peace offered a certain clarity that came with certitude. A trust and belief that despite all my hang-ups and fears we were meant to be. That there was no one but Jamie that could love me with everything, with their whole being, like the way that I loved him.

I nuzzled closer into the crook of his neck, his woodsy and citrusy, spicy scent that was so clean and comforting making my mouth water. The tidy fuzz on his jaw making my fingers itch to graze along it as his brushed my hair off my face. And as he tilted his face down to press a kiss to my temple all my insides were screaming my love for him.

Jamie had a special way with words. He was capable of talking a daffodil into growing in the snow. But there were moments like this where his silence was pure magic. People say that if you love someone you should tell them every chance you get, but Jamie had taught me different. He didn’t just tell me he loved me every chance he got, he showed me with every innocent and every illicit touch. It didn’t matter whether his touch was intimate or not, it was always reverend and loving. I’d spent my entire life craving that touch and that love, I’d tried to emulate it and imagine it with someone else. I’d even convinced myself at one point that it didn’t exist. It didn’t. Not without him.

I tightened my arms around him, pulling myself as close as physically possible. His heat permeating my own. As I lifted my face to his, my eyes meeting his, I knew with confidence and without doubt that his dreams and wishes were my own.

His bright blue eyes crinkled with a smile that hadn’t yet reached his lips. His hands falling to the top of my bum, his thumbs working small circles at the edge of my velvet dress and occasionally on my exposed skin. His Adam’s apple bobbing as he ate me up with his gaze.

And then the words were out, like they couldn’t bear to stay inside. Like they were far too big for me to contain.

“I’m going to marry you one of these days.”

He bit his bottom lip in a sigh.

“I know,” He said as he nodded, a wide smile splitting his beautiful face. “You just let me know when you’re ready.”

He lowered his face down to mine, his forehead touching mine as one of his arms wrapped around my hips and his other crossed over my shoulder blades his hand gently squeezing my shoulder as he pressed me to him so tightly that my soft curves crushed and flattened to his hard muscles. So tight that my lungs struggled to fill with air, and yet it was bliss.

“I think I am.”

He took in a deep breath, the tip of his nose brushing mine, “No thinking, baby, just knowing.”

For a small fraction of a second my chest stung with rejection.

“Let me know when you know you’re ready. We’re working to it, not rushing.” He touched his lips to mine lightly and took another deep breath like he was breathing me in. “There’s no rush, sweetheart.”

Just like that, that niggle was gone.

His hold was strong and unwavering, and although the kiss that followed may have been too intimate for a dancefloor, it was so tame for everything between he and I. Between us.

The tips of his fingers dug into my skin. The roll of his tongue with mine completely and utterly in sync with our ragged breaths. Even though it was the most perfect kiss, it was messy and wet and a delicious mix of teeth and tongue. Hot and soft. Demanding and achy. It was everything that we were and had always been.

It was endless.

Even when we had to come up for air our lips never parted.

I hadn’t registered the song change. I hadn’t noticed the slightly emptier dancefloor. I’d just followed Jamie’s every step.

“Why’re you smiling like that?” He asked as his hands cupped my face.

“I don’t know.” I didn’t actually know I was smiling until he pointed it out.

His thumbs rubbed across my lips.

“You’re so beautiful.” He brushed my hair away from my face as he tilted it all the way up so that he was looking straight down on me.

“So you keep telling me.” I gave him the same response I always did.

“I won’t ever stop, sweetheart.” He smiled wide. “Even when you’re wrinkly.”

“I’m hoping I can get away with just some fine lines.”

He ran his index finger down the centre of my face and down my neck until he reached the crew neck of my dress. His eyes wandered over every inch of my face.

“If it comes to it, you have Jake on speed dial anyway.” I giggled as his thumb grazed over my bottom lip.

“He’s not going anywhere near you.” He shook his head softly as his stare focused on my lips. “Not a fucking chance.”

He gave me a quick peck on the lips followed by another on the tip of my nose and another on my forehead.

“Drink?” His arms wrapped around me squeezing mine to my body as my hands held on to his hips.

I nodded as he swayed us from side to side in exaggerated steps.

“Come on then, beautiful,” he winked as he draped his arm over my shoulder and walked us back to our table.

The waiting staff were doing the rounds as they replaced the old champagne bottles on the tables with freshly opened ones ready for the New Year toast. A lot of the guests were already seated at their tables and waiting to welcome another year. You could feel the hissing, popping and crackling of the air all around us as old men made new deals and older women enjoyed younger men—probably because their husbands were otherwise engaged. There were young men and women ceremoniously chasing after one another for that all-important midnight kiss, and in the midst of it all Willow was sat by herself nursing a half full tumbler of her favourite Venezuelan rum. Her metallic manicured fingers tracing the condensation tracks on the heavy looking glass. The dark Diplomatico bottle sat in front of her.

She looked lonely and dejected. Her too big for life character nowhere to be found. She gave us both a forced smile before downing half of the contents she cradled in her hands.

“Hey chick!”

I pulled the chair next to hers and sat down facing her. It was only then that I realised my feet were beginning to feel a little sore and uncomfortable. The gold straps of my Jimmi Choos cutting into me.

“Why aren’t you dancing or doing your usual schmoozing?” Jamie asked as he placed one hand on her shoulder and the other on mine.

“I’m not feeling it today.” She shrugged, “It’s been a long day.”

“No one to take your fancy here?”

Jamie laughed at my question whilst she just rolled her eyes.

“Not really, but there is someone looking for you. She came over here a while ago asking if you were still around. She looked important.”

“Did you get here name?”

“It was different and exotic and I had no chance at remembering it, but she did say she’d drop by again later.”

Stranger things have happened.

“What do you want to drink, baby?” Jamie crouched next to me.

“Ummm…”

“Baby? Baby.” She cringed, “Seriously? You couldn’t think of anything better?”

He looked at her with a smile, “You really don’t want to know the other things I call her, baby sister.”

She stuck two fingers in her mouth like she was gagging. “You’re an arsehole. A gross arsehole.”

She gave an exaggerated cackle as she threatened to push him over with just a finger.

I eyed a waiter carrying a bright green cocktail and pointed at it, “I want one of those.”

“It looks toxic.”

“It’s called a Japanese Slipper and it’s really rather good once you get past the colour.” Willow said as she patted his dark coifed hair that was starting to tousle at the top.

“Right, well, one Slipper coming up and a water for you?”

“I’ll just stick with the rum thank you very much.”

“Coke? Mix it a little?”

“Jamie, if you suggest I ruin perfectly good rum with shitty Coke again, I’m going to disown you.”

“Alright, Miss Alcoholic.” He said as he bent down and kissed the top of my head. “I’m going for a smoke before I order the drinks. Do you want to come?”

“I’m fine.” I replied as I brushed his hair back.

“Yeah, she’s fine. Smoking kills, arsehole.” She sassed as he started to walk away.

He turned around still walking backwards as he said, “So does straight rum, but you’re still drinking it.” And then he turned back and walked off.

“Rum doesn’t kill, dickhead.” She said sourly under her breath.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong or am going to have to drag it out of you?”

She tipped her glass back and emptied it.

“I really am fine; it’s just been one of those days in one of those weeks.”

“Come on, you’ve got to give me more than that.” I nudged her black lace covered knee with my red velvet covered one.

“Seriously, I’m just feeling off. I’m probably coming down with something, I heard there’s Scarlet Fever going around.”

“Nice try, but firstly, if you had Scarlet Fever you’d know about it and secondly, it’s a paediatric ailment, so you do the maths on that one.”

She stiffened for a second before she looked over my shoulder and relaxed again.

“That’s your woman right there.” She nodded behind me.

I was still a little bit taken aback by the short and to the point conversation that followed with Shohreh Miller, I’d heard a lot about her. It turned out that she’d apparently also heard about me—which she really shouldn’t have. I mean the woman was on a whole level of her own.

Shit. She knows who I am.

She knows my name.

If there had been posters of her, I would’ve wallpapered my whole house with her. She was a big freaking deal, and she knew who I was. Partly thanks to Jake, but who cared when she’d actually looked for me? I could just freaking kiss him…on the cheek. Dorian would probably knock me out even though there wasn’t anything going on between them, at least not in the open. But after Christmas, I was keeping my ears to the ground and my eyes on them.

Doctor Miller was one of world’s leading Paediatric Cardiac specialists. In fact, she wasn’t one of the best. Nope, that woman was The Best. Compared to her the other bests were mediocre, including me. But she was offering me a position with her. She wanted me to work with her. Not for her, with her.

Christ, news travelled fast. She already knew my salary at St. Ermin’s and she had a very, very generous offer. She knew that I’d been suspended, and she still wanted me.

Talk about Happy New Year.

My only reservation was that I loved my current placement. I liked being able to help the people who couldn’t afford private. I knew I’d still be helping people that needed my help, but those people already had the best at their disposal. The patients I saw every day didn’t. I was one of the best for them, and if I was mediocre compared to her…

I could learn so much from her. Not to mention the rest of her team at the Children’s Hospital. The Harley Street Clinic was every Doctor’s dream, regardless of what drove you to practice medicine.

I looked in the mirror again as I reapplied my lipstick. I could hear Willow fussing with her outfit in one of the cubicles behind me. We’d picked the best time to use the loo since everyone was getting ready for the main event of the night. The music was louder and livelier as it seeped through doors and walls and ran through corridors.

“What’re you going to do?” She called from inside her stall, her voice tinted with an almost pained edged. “You have made it perfectly clear that you’re not going to apologise and I overheard your conversation with Dorian earlier about how it might look in your file…”

Her voice sounded a little rum blurred at the edges.

“I might not be a part of the clever clogs club, but even to me the woman sounded important and from the look on your face I’d take it she is, so, what’re you going to do?”

“I’m going to talk to Jamie and then I’m going to talk to her some more, I guess, I don’t know. It feels a little surreal and you know what it means when something sounds too good to be true…”

“It almost always is.”

“Exactly.”

She opened the cubicle door and stood in the doorway as she zipped up the side of the long lace skirt. In the bright light you could see the bright blue, pink, purple and red embroidered flowers peppered around her waist. The matching cropped top leaving little to the imagination with its crisscross tassels between her boobs and the frayed lace edges and cap sleeves that gave the Hippie look some gypsy grunge.

“You okay?” I asked as she wobbled on her feet, a grimace cutting through her features.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She said as she washed her hands. Her gaze landing on me in the mirror. “Don’t take this the wrong way, I know you and Jamie are an item, and I’m super happy for you. Like, it’s about time really, but just because you’re together doesn’t mean you have to make sure he’s okay with this particular move. This choice should be about you. Not even Pippa or-or…you know…”

“Theo?”

She cleared her throat as she dropped her gaze to the wash basin.

“Yes.” She turned around and leant on the edge of the granite top. “You don’t need his permission to make a decision.”

“Okay,” I took a deep breath as I studied her for a second.

I couldn’t understand where she got the whole permission thing from, but it just made me feel uneasy.

“I’m not going to ask his permission, because if it’s what I really want then he’ll want it too. I know you don’t understand this, and it’s okay because you will one day, but every decision I make is about Pippa or with her in mind. She’s my world.”

“I know that, but what I’m trying to say is that at some point you’re going to need to be a little selfish about something.” She shrugged.

“Who says I haven’t been selfish already?”

“How exactly? You’re the most unselfish person I know,” she rolled her eyes as she shook her head.

“Being with Jamie is selfish. Moving in with him is selfish.”

“Why?”

“Because, Willow, it makes things complicated and messy and not just for me and him, but for our children.” I sat back on the edge of the sink with her. “But I love him and I won’t give him up, so that makes me selfish because I know that he wants more than just me from me and I might never be able to give him that. And still, I refuse to let him find someone who will give him another child.”

“You know, that would actually be selfish if I didn’t know that he’d take just you over another child.” She nudged me with her shoulder, “You’re getting off topic here anyway. This isn’t kid talk, it’s a you broke a bitch’s nose and now she’s gunning for you so what are you going to do about it talk.”

“Wow, that was a mouthful. How did you manage all that with a slur?”

“Is Quincy Cavendish trying to sass me? You’re so cute, but your sass doesn’t work on me. Anyway, my point is that you’re either going to apologise and give her the satisfaction she so desperately wants, or you could say fuck it all and accept this woman’s offer, this very important woman’s offer, and get paid a fuck tonne more whilst you’re at it.”

“It’s not the money. I don’t care about the money, Willow.” I turned to face her again. “I’ve always just wanted to help people. To save lives.”

“Rich people need helping and saving too.”

“Yes, they do, but they have money to pay for the best care. Right now I’m providing that to people that can’t afford it.”

“I know you’re a good person, you’re far too nice if we’re honest about it, but you’re not Mother freaking Teresa, so…”

“Why are you so interested in this anyway?”

“You’re my best friend and someone has to give you shit for being so…so good and nice.”

“Yeah, well you still haven’t told me what crawled up your arse earlier and had you moping in loneliness and rum.” I followed her towards the bathroom door, bumping into her as she came to an abrupt stop in the doorway.

Jamie

Once in a while there were certain people that I wanted to introduce my right hook to. Rupert Alastair was one of them. I’m pretty sure he was the reason the whole never trust a man with two first names saying came about. He was seedy and in general repugnant, but the last forty minutes he’d chewed my ear off about how I needed to rein Quincy in. About how I needed to make sure she was on her best behaviour. And that was making me see a bit too much red.

The irony of the conversation wasn’t lost on me. Here we were at an event trying to raise awareness and celebrate female equality and his old, bigoted arse was telling me to put Quincy on a leash. I was beginning to wish I’d never stepped foot outside for a quick smoke. There was nothing quick about the last four cigarettes I’d burned through and definitely not the one I was currently inhaling because I needed something to occupy my mouth before I told him where to shove his useless advice.

“Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Rupert, we both know I’m not going to take your advice,” I took a quick drag and breathed it out between us, “Just like we know that you can’t rein Sam in. It’s a pointless task and one I’m not even going to waste my time thinking about. We both know why you suspended Quincy and it wasn’t because you needed to.”

His eyes widened as his face flared a bright red.

“Let’s not pretend that Ms. Sterling is a saint, again, we both know she isn’t.”

“Excuse me?” He barked at me as he choked on the smoke of his Cuban.

“People talk Rupert, you being the chairman doesn’t make you’re exempt from the gossip.” I flicked the burning butt of my cigarette onto the step and stamped it out with my foot, imagining it was his smarmy face I was grinding into the ground. “She’s not going to apologise, and I won’t tell her to either. She’ll be back in three weeks and life will go on.”

“If she doesn’t apologise, Sam is going to take it to the board. I can’t stop her, I can’t guarantee that Quincy will have a job at the end of this, if it goes that far.”

“More fool you then.” I turned my back and started back up the stairs.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit…Shit!

“She says she’s emotionally unstable.” He called after me.

I wanted to turn back and grab him by the collar, push him up against the rough concrete balustrade and have him tell me everything that he knew about her history. I wanted him to go through it point by point and then I wanted him to go through all the people she’d helped, all the lives she’d saved, so that he would get it into his head that her aptitude, her ability to do her job had never been compromised because of her emotional instability.

Instead I carried on up the steps and then to our table. Sometimes the best response was no response, the best reaction was no reaction at all and this was one of those times.

I wish I could say that I was surprised about the whole thing going further, but Sam was well connected. Her father was one of the board members and her grandfather was a generous financial donor. Most of the people on that board were Sterling dinner table regulars. It didn’t matter that they were acquaintances of our families, because they were so much more of hers.

The room was lit a dim purple and the music was a lot louder and thumpier. The atmosphere was changing and building for the big hurrah. Jake and Dorian were sat talking to an older woman. Her olive skin and dark hair glowing in the lights. She looked familiar enough, but I couldn’t quite place her.

She stood slowly as she looked up at me smiling. She looked kind, but there was this presence behind her eyes as she regarded me, and this aura that demanded respect and admiration.

“Shohreh, this is James Anson,” Jake said as he stood and buttoned up his tux jacket. “James, this is Shohreh Miller—head of the Paeds Cardiac department at the Harley Street Clinic.”

“Ah, Mr. Anson,” she looked me up and down with a smile, “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Call me Jamie.” I said as I realised who she was.

“Great to meet you,” she said before turning to address Jake, “Jacob, I’ve made my offer and I’ll chase it up once I’m back in the office.” She turned back to me with a broad smile as she extended her hand to me, “I think we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other Mr. Anson, I hope we will anyway.”

Her laugh was as smoky and husky as her voice. Her dialect had a slight twang that was pleasant and curious.

She gave Dorian a light hug and a very continental kiss before she made her way to a table a couple down from ours. One of the old boys that I recognised from the hospital board pulled out his chair slightly and patted his knee and smiling she sat casually. They exchanged a few words before he looked in my direction and gave me an acknowledging nod that for some reason I returned.

“Have either of you seen Quincy and Willow? They were right here when I went for a smoke.” Of course, I’d been gone a lot longer than I’d wanted.

“They went in the direction of the loos at the back.” Dorian shrugged as she topped up her champagne coupe. “You want some?”

Jake shook his head as he continued searching the room, “I need to go find my parents and say hi before I get the worst son award.”

“You’re both going to ditch me, aren’t you?” She looked at both of us with a snarl.

“You can come with, if you want. Mum, would love to see you.”

“And leave this amazing champagne?”

“You can bring it with you.” He picked up the glass and carefully moved it back and forth, “See? It goes wherever you take it.”

“I’m going to go find the strays,” I told them both as I checked my watch.

Ten minutes to Midnight.

I could hear Jake trying to convince Dorian behind me as the DJ lowered the music to let everyone know that it was almost time to welcome the new year. And then it was all manic as everyone checked their drinks or made their way back to their tables to top up their glasses.

It was exciting, even if I was walking against the crowd.

I wandered down the almost empty corridor as Willow’s agitated voice reached me followed by Quincy’s and then Sam’s.

It was like someone had amped up the heating and all of a sudden I was sweating.

Fuck.

“I don’t want your apology, I want you gone.” Sam took a step closer to Quincy. “I want to take what you love away from you like you did to me.”

“What?”

“You’re fucking crazy.”

Sam looked over at Willow, “You think I’m crazy?”

“This is ridiculous.” Quincy sighed.

“He left me for you and you didn’t even want him. Quincy needs me he said. Always poor fucking Quincy.”

“He was her husband, you dozy cow.” Willow spat at her as she took a step back taking Quincy with her. “You should see someone.”

“Like her?” She laughed as she got a little closer to Quincy, “When I handed you that pill, I actually felt sorry for you.”

Quincy took a step towards her.

“Shut. Your. Mouth.”

Willow’s eyes met mine and then Sam’s followed.

“Can you give us a sec?” I nodded toward the ballroom as I ushered Willow in the same direction.

I had no idea whether or not she knew about this part of Quincy’s story, and if she didn’t she wasn’t going to hear it from Sam.

“Jamie—”

“Please.”

“Quincy?”

She didn’t reply. She didn’t even acknowledge her.

“Please go.”

She looked over at Quincy again and then nodded before she walked away.

“Come on sweetheart, let’s go back, it’s almost midnight.” I pulled her slightly to me hoping that she’d walk away.

“Does he know?” Sam giggled. “Does he know just how messed up you are?”

Twice in one night. For the second time I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted to grind them to a pulp on the hard marbled floor with my feet. I was pretty sure that after this I was going to need to see someone myself, about some anger management.

“Does he know that you let the mother of his child sign a death warrant?”

Quincy’s eyes shot to mine. Her chest caving like she’d just taken a hit.

“Will mothering a dead woman’s child make you feel better? Is that why you didn’t argue or fight her on it?”

And snap.

Before I could stop her, Quincy had Sam pressed against the wall. Her hands pinning her collarbone.

“You pernicious bitch.” She gritted as she shook my hand off her shoulder. “One of these days someone is going to make you swallow every single shitty word that has ever left your mouth.”

Sam cocked an eyebrow at her as a smile grew on her face.

“You’re full of shit. You’re just the same coward now as you were when you left that pill. You don’t have it in you to actually follow through because you’re weak. You have zero backbone, that’s why he fucked me. That’s why he came back to me and kept coming for more. And that’s why you couldn’t get rid of that thing you didn’t want.” She looked down Quincy’s body stopping on her belly. “What do you think of when you look at her? Do you see me and him or do you see your little dead boy?”

“Enough!” I pulled Quincy off her and into my chest. Her arms stretched out in front of her and her hands clenching like she was ready to strangle the breath out of Sam. “You need to leave before I kill you myself.”

She straightened, her hands adjusting the high collar of her black dress before running them over her dark hair. Her eyes wide and elated as she looked Quincy up and down.

“I don’t know what they see in you. You’re pathetic.” She started walking towards the party, the sway of her hips deliberate. She turned back to us after several steps with a sickly sweet smile on her face. “Happy New Year.”

She was something else. Willow was right, she was everything that was wrong with the circles we ran in. She was manipulative and vicious. She was callous and cruel, and there was no way I was going to let her get away with hurting and antagonising the woman in my arms. Someone that was good and everything that was right in this world. I couldn’t stand by anymore and just watch. I knew that she wanted to fight her battles herself, but the reality was that any battle she was involved in was mine too, because she was mine.

“Sam.”

She stopped and spun slowly towards me. Her brows hitched like I’d just interrupted her on a mission. Like looking our way was an inconvenience.

“Doctor and patient confidentiality.”

Her face went from irate to perplexed.

“You just broke it. Twice.” I took Quincy’s hand in mine and started walking towards her. “You shouldn’t have told me about my ex-wife and you shouldn’t have told me about Quincy.”

“You don’t look surprised.” She bit.

“Consider this my surprise,” I gasped. “Oh, you also might want to take into consideration what the hospital board and your father will think if they find out you’re sleeping with Rupert. Isn’t that against hospital policy? Not to mention that his handling of your altercation with another staff member might be biased.”

Her face dropped and her back went ramrod straight as I stopped in front of her. Her gaze never leaving mine.

I smiled at the feel of Quincy’s hand squeezing mine, and I could almost make out the smoke coming out of Sam’s nose and ears. Her face reddening and her teeth grinding as she watched us walk away.

I wrapped my arm around Quincy’s shoulder. A long exhale passing her lips before she looked up at me.

“Are you angry with me?” She asked, her eyes rounded in apology. “I wanted to tell you.”

I tightened my arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

The truth was that I’d known. The moment Jenna had asked me to leave I knew she was going to do something that she knew I wouldn’t be happy about, and at this point the only way she could upset me was if she did something that would impact our daughter negatively. Ex-wife or not, I knew Jenna better than even she gave me credit. Better than I even really realised.

The sounds of the last couple of seconds ticking leaked through the quiet hallway and our steps before the loud music erupted with the cheers and the nearby explosion of fireworks that lit up the windows.

“Happy New Year, sweetheart.” I paused by one of the tall windows. The flashes of purple, blue and white fireworks lighting up her face as she smiled at me.

“Happy New Year, babe.”

Her body relaxed as she wrapped her arm around my waist. Her laughter so bright I couldn’t help chuckling with her.

Babe.

It was growing on me.

She didn’t turn back or even try to look behind us as Sam went past, she just said, “Happy New Year, Sam.”

Quincy

Two weeks is a long time. Jamie had gone back to work after New Year’s Day and I’d become a chauffeur. I had done every single school run and after school club run. I had sat through ballet classes and gymnastics club. I’d had more hot chocolates than I could actually drink, because with time to sleep amongst other things, I didn’t really need the caffeine.

I was well versed on all things Little Mix, Horowitz and Chopin.

Did you know that Chopin was Horowitz’s favourite? No, neither did I until Pippa drilled it into me.

I’d endured Molly’s valiant, yet sometimes painful attempts at Bach and Perlman—yes, I learned a lot about them too.

No child should ever be given a violin…or a piano. Still, I’d loved every second that I’d spent with them. Even the ones that Jenna had been present for. Oddly enough, we’d developed a sort of camaraderie. With all of Richard’s constant fussing over her, she’d ended up inviting herself along on the school runs with me. More often than not, when the girls and Daniel didn’t have any afterschool lessons and clubs, we’d end up at a park or in a café. Obviously, we had unspoken rules, like we never spoke about Jamie or Richard. Well, not unless we needed to. Mostly, we talked about work.

Jenna was a good person; she did a lot of charitable work on the back of her journalistic career. I found myself actually liking her, more so now than when I’d had reason to be friends with her because she was married to Jamie. And yes, sometimes it was awkward, but the more time we spent together the better we got to know what topics and conversations to avoid. I have to admit that I was really enjoying being around so much. Having so much time to spend with the girls, and Willow.

At first, I’d loved it so much that I couldn’t imagine going back, but then I started missing my patients. My phone would go off with calendar notifications for follow-ups that one of my colleagues would be doing instead of me.

The biggest blow was the notification for the Spencer baby’s sixteen-week post-op check. I’d looked after him from the moment he was born, and now someone else was looking after him.

I didn’t know if his heart was doing what it should or whether he needed more intervention.

I didn’t know whether he was eating properly.

I didn’t know if his parents were coping.

I just didn’t know any of the things that I should’ve known. That I would’ve known if I weren’t suspended. I knew that technically I was at fault and I deserved the suspension, but the part of me that knew the ins and outs of the hospital boardroom, knew that it wasn’t fair punishment. Had it been any other doctor, but Sam, it would’ve been a harsh talking to and a slap on the wrist.

So, I was fully aware that most of this was absolute bullshit.

Which meant that after a week and a half I was ready to tuck my tail between my legs and formally apologise. Anything to just get back to the frontline.

I hadn’t forgotten the conversation I’d had with Doctor Miller, or her offer. But she probably had forgotten about me because I hadn’t heard anything more from her. She probably realised that I didn’t have that je ne sais quoi that she had. That special something that she could see in me that resonated with her. That made me a reminder of a younger her.

So yeah, I was more than ready to be very sorry and get back to doing what I loved. Even if it meant missing out on the girls’ music lessons.

I had my fake apology all figured out and memorised, I’d even booked a meeting with Rupert, but…

It wasn’t meant to be.

I resigned myself to it. I’d made peace with it. Well, maybe that’s taking it too far because making peace with it was really impossible. Sam was humiliating me again. She’d slept with my husband during my pregnancy and after it. She was still sleeping with my husband when I found out I was pregnant again. Apologising to her was like saying that it didn’t matter that she’d done that. It was like saying it was okay.

It wasn’t.

Which is why I skipped the meeting with Rupert the minute Doctor Miller asked me to meet her, when I should’ve been meeting him instead.

At first, I felt a little guilty for wasting his time, but I wasn’t even getting paid to say sorry to his…lover? Whore? Bit on the side? Whatever Sam was to him.

So, I met with Shohreh instead, and it went well. It went so well that by the time we were done I had my resignation written and ready to send in my head.

I was going to learn from someone I never even thought I’d get to refer to on a first name basis. I was going to learn things that were new and untried—game changing. But most importantly I was going to help people that needed my help. What I hadn’t heard a lot about was how this amazing woman volunteered her time and talent to helping those that couldn’t ordinarily afford it. She set up grants and started foundations, and she was giving me the opportunity to learn, help and save alongside her.

And I was going to take it.

I’d already talked it through with Jamie and he’d told me to go with my gut, to go with my heart. He told me not to overthink and mistake selflessness with naïveté. He told me to think of everything I could learn and then of all the future possibilities. He was right, I didn’t have to stay at the clinic forever. I could take my experience and use it elsewhere, in another hospital where the patients paid with their taxes and not by the hour or procedure.

I’d left The Children’s Hospital with a flaming rocket up my arse after signing some provisional paperwork. I’d picked Pippa, Molly and Daniel up from school and gone straight home. I knew Jamie was in surgery till late, so he wouldn’t want a proper meal before he went to bed which meant the kids and I could eat cheesy, buttery pasta for dinner. I’d like to say that it was for the kids, but it was my favourite comfort dish. It was easy. It was quick. It was delicious.

By the time he came through the door both of the girls were tucked in bed and Dorian had left with Daniel. As I peered over the back of the sofa he had the biggest smile on his face and a nice looking bottle of red in his hands.

“I came ready to celebrate!” He handed me the bottle and leant over the top of my head to give me one of his warm kisses.

“What are we celebrating?”

He quirked his brow at me, “I had the best conversation with Rupert today. Something about how he was gutted he was losing one of his most promising members of staff.”

I laughed at the way he rolled his eyes. My tummy somersaulting and my smile impossible to dim.

“He said that?”

“Too right he did.” He kissed the tip of my nose before he disappeared back into the kitchen.

I was a little disappointed that he’d managed to talk to Jamie but hadn’t emailed me back. I’d been waiting for what felt like forever for his response and it hadn’t come.

Maybe he was waiting for me to go back next week?

“He also gave me this.” He handed me a white envelope with Ms. Q. Cavendish scrolled across it in his PA’s ancient handwriting. “I wanted to get you some flowers, but as it turns out all the good florists that sell anything other than Lilies and Carnations close early.”

He put the glasses on the coffee table with the corkscrew and lifted my legs as he sat down.

I was itching to open that envelope.

He pulled the knot of his tie and popped open his top two buttons. His sleeves already rolled over his strong forearms.

“Aren’t you going to open it?” He asked casually as he ran his thumbnails up the arch of my foot.

He sat quietly waiting as I opened and then read through the letter.

Dear Ms. Q. Cavendish,

This is to confirm receipt and acceptance of your letter of resignation, received January 11th for the position of Consultant Cardiothoracic Surgeon, which is to be effective February 8th. You will continue to receive your salary through to your last day of employment. With your final pay cheque, you will also receive a pay out of any accrued and unused holiday time in accordance with the provisions of Hospital Holiday Policy.

Please return any hospital property that you still have in your possession, e.g., parking decal and card, laptop, etc., on or before your last day of employment.

Attached you will find an information sheet for exiting employees. This form details the necessary instructions on the pension scheme, holiday and final wages. If you should have questions about your benefits, you may contact myself or the Human Resources Department.

Thank you for your service to St. Ermin’s Hospital London and good luck in your new role.

Sincerely,

Rupert Alastair

Chair, St. Ermin’s Hospital London

Five weeks, that was all that was left of my time at the hospital where I’d started my career. I was sad and elated at the same time. I wanted to cry and jump for joy and at the same time I was bummed that all these years had come to this—a single sheet of A4 paper with St. Ermin’s letterhead and a few words of gratitude for my service.

“Well?” He patted my bare legs. His eyes searching my face, “Hey, what’s the face for?”

What idiot cries when they get something they never even dreamed of?

“I think I’m having a moment. I’m okay.”

“Change, huh?”

Change.

“I wasn’t expecting this,” I sat up as he reached for the wine bottle and the corkscrew. “That hospital is all I know, Jamie. I’m excited and sad at the same time. I’m going to miss the staff and the hospital itself.”

“By the end of the five weeks you’ll be skipping out of there.” He poured us both some wine. “And I know that you’re going to tell me that you’re going to miss your patients, but there’ll be other patients and the staff at the clinic will chase you rather than you having to chase them.”

He wiggled his brows as he took a sip of his wine.

“You’ll get to see Jake every day.”

“Oh great.” I rolled my eyes. “Just what I wanted, more Jake.”

“That’s not what you were saying New Year’s Eve.” His brow hitched, “Which by the way I need to make it clear that there is no way your lips are going anywhere near him.”

I couldn’t help the burst of laughter that erupted from me. “Ha!”

“You think I’m being funny?” He leaned over me, between my legs, his fingers digging into my thighs. “I don’t joke around.”

“I know.” I gasped as his nails dug into my bum cheeks. I loved it when he got so worked up that it felt like he wanted to get right under my skin. Between soft muscle and supple flesh. The thing was he was way deeper. He was at my core. In my heart and in my soul.

“So this celebrating…” He murmured huskily into the valley of my breasts as he pulled me onto my back under him. His tongue licking up my neck and jaw and then into my already open and waiting mouth.

“What about my wine?” I teased as he made his way back down my body, his hands popping the buttons of the shirt covering me. His favourite shirt.

“It needs to breathe.” He replied a big smile stretching across his face as his tongue licked across his bottom lip.

Shit, breathe Quincy.

I chanted to myself as his lips brushed my skin.

It didn’t matter how many times he touched me and loved me, every time felt better. Each time felt like more, and I never ever wanted it to end.

I never wanted a day to come where I grew used to it because with him every day was a new day.

People say that love comes and goes. People say that you can love time and again. But for me, there had only ever really been one love. People came and went, life changed and my one love only ever grew.

And I only hoped that it would continue to renew and grow with every rising and setting sun, with every phase of the moon.

Jamie

Eighteen months later…

She’s standing in the darkened room. Her small body bowed over the cot bed, as she fusses with the pale blue sheets and soft white blankets. The dimming evening light permeating the room with a soft grey blue glow. She’s tired, I can tell by the slope of her shoulders as I stand in the doorway watching her.

Her favourite shirt of mine is a little snug around her hips and as she moves it pulls up revealing the junction of her bottom and thighs. Her bare feet are lost in the plush sheepskin rug and her normally neat wavy hair is a little all over the shop.

I wished for this. I hoped and prayed that we’d have this, but I never actually dreamed that it would happen. Yet, as I watch her trying to gently rouse our son for his evening feed I can’t imagine life being any different.

I can’t imagine a life without her. A life without our girls or our son.

A life without them isn’t a life I want.

My mother once told me that there are many different ways of loving someone. She said that love evolves and changes with life. She said that love knows no bounds. It doesn’t see faults or mistakes…it sees through them like air particles.

She told me to never let go, to hold on tighter when the winds blew harder and the waves tugged us in opposite directions.

She was right.

I changed and she changed. We both changed.

I wish I could say that life has been perfectly kind to us and easy, but it hasn’t. We’ve had our losses, but our love never faltered. It adapted to our circumstances. There’s no such thing as a happy ending, I’ve learned along the way that happiness is something you make for yourself. And loving her openly and freely is a happiness all of its own.

I’ve loved Quincy up close and from afar. I’ve loved her when I should and when I shouldn’t.

I’ve loved her since the first moment I held her when I was almost four years old, too young for romance, too young to understand what love was.

Our love grew and strung us together. It meshed our souls in a way that made it impossible for us to remain apart.

It made it impossible to live in the same world, at the same time, and not be together.

I’m not proud of all my failures and the hurt that I caused. But I am proud to love her, this beautifully talented and brave woman.

The girl.

The doctor.

The friend.

The lover.

The mother.

My love.

So, maybe we haven’t made it down the aisle just yet—but, she’s given me something that was so much farther out of reach that I know with certainty that one day we will.

One day, I know, we will do things that we haven’t even dreamed of.

We’ll have lived through things that we can’t fathom. Good and not so good. And we’ll do it all together.

That thought makes me smile. When I’d told her I wanted everything with her, I didn’t quite realise the extent of that need. Until now.

Now that our son’s little head rests on her shoulder. So, so small that even her little hands can almost swallow it.

“Are you just going to stand there gawking at us?” She says as she turns towards me cradling a stripped down Alfie in her arms.

The sleeves of my shirt are rolled up all the way to her elbows. Our little boy’s milky skin a tad lighter than hers.

Even his size zero nappies seem to swallow him up.

He’s so tiny.

And his newborn whinge is so fragile. His light golden hair glints as it catches the light streaming into the nursery from behind me.

Quincy winces slightly as she sits in the rocker by the window. A satisfied smile on her face as she pops the lid off the small bottle and runs the teat across Alfie’s little lips. His little legs kick frantically until he manages to get enough suction to pull his feed into his mouth, and then he moans.

His quiet little moan echoes through me as he goes soft in his mother’s arms.

That sight gets me every time.

I know I should be sleeping so I can do the night feeds but watching them recharges my heart with so much warmth that every single one of my extremities begs to get closer and touch them.

I walk over to the cot and grab one of the little blankets hanging off the side. I can feel her eyes following me. Tracing every step. Her smile widens as I sit on the window ledge and lay the light cotton rectangle across both of them.

She’s the most stunning creature I’ve ever seen. Her cheeks are still slightly rounded from the last eight months and her generous breasts have plumped up even more. As if he can read my mind, Alfie burrows into them. One of his tiny hands burying itself in the warm crease as his little feet flex in bliss.

She’s always looked at me with nothing but love and want. But the way she’s looking at our son. The way her eyes are wide and bright even in the darkened room makes me a little bit jealous.

“I still love you, babe.” She smiles up at me. Her pregnancy plumped lips stretching with mirth.

I can’t help but run my thumbs over those luscious lips. “You’re so beautiful.”

“You keep saying.” Her eyes drop to our son as a soft, shy blush colours her fair skin.

“Always will, sweetheart.” I whisper as I touch my lips to her forehead.

“Are the girls ready for bed?”

“I said they could stay up a little bit longer tonight,” I tell her as two heads pop into the doorway.

She laughs lightly as she crooks her finger at them.

“Can we just give him another little kiss?” Molly asks as she strokes the side of Alfie’s face with her little finger.

“Just one, mummy?” Pippa clasps her hands under her chin as she peers down at her baby brother. “He’s just so small and he smells so nice.”

“Just one, on his hand.”

“Daddy, I love Alice, she’s the best baby sister ever. But Alfie is just something else.” Molly kisses his hand before she wraps her arms around my waist.

“So are you, Princess…” I ruffle her hair with one hand as I pull Pippa in for a cuddle with the other. “And you, baby girl.”

Quincy rests her head on my bicep as she winds Alfie. Her contented sigh filling the silence.

“I know.” She says after a beat.

“You know?” I ask.

“What do you know, mummy?”

She looks up at me. The shy glint coming back and tinting her cheeks a darker shade of rose.

“You told me to let you know when I knew.” She bites her bottom lip, “I don’t think, Jamie, I know.”

Acknowledgements

When people say that it takes a village to raise a child, they’re not lying. This child of mine wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for some incredible, kind and kick-arse people. Together they have inspired, pushed and helped to get me here.

Thank you to you all…

My partner and my hero, we don’t always see eye to eye, but you always know how to make every disagreement and agreement worthwhile. You know when to push, and push, until I see things from every possible perspective. Thank you so much for all the nagging and prodding. I did it!

Oh, just you remember this: I may not always be right, but mostly, I am. I love you.

Kelly, you are everything. You keep me sane through childhood sniffles, book blues and sleepless nights. Your support means everything. Thank you for putting up with my random messages and for taking the reins on all my crazy when I need you to. Thank you for making my battles your own and fighting them with me. You are so much more than a friend, you really are everything and more. I hope that the man candy I send shows you my gratitude. Again, sorry about that…but Instagram is there for a reason. Just saying.

Lorna, I can’t thank my lucky stars enough for all your invaluable advice and medical knowledge. I owe you far too many tequila shooters. Thank you for taking a chance on me.

Alison and Shannon…Oh. My. God. I did it! You two are the best. In Tina’s own words—SIMPLY THE BEST. Your support and love is a balm to my anxiety.

Alison, I’m sorry about Jonny.

Charlie. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie…you’re the freaking bomb. Thank you…for every single thing. For the dances, your ears, your eyes, and your spectacular body climbing skills. This has been a totes emosh journey, and you have been there to listen to every one of my worries.

Ella and Bella, thank you for all your sage advice. You two have been incredible and I am so, so damn grateful to have two beautiful and spectacularly talented women to help guide me through this adventure.

Karen, I don’t really know what else to say, except—thank you and I love you. Thank you for sharing your know how and seeing the beauty in a different kind of romance.

I have to give a massive THANK YOU to the ladies over at Give Me Books Promotions. You are fantabulous. Jo, who would’ve thought…Aberystwyth! Best damn freaking place on earth.

Claire and Wendy at Bare Naked Words, you two are gems in this world.

I also want to thank the readers and bloggers who have taken a chance on a new author. Thank you for taking the time to read Quincy and Jamie’s story. I hope that it was worthwhile.

About the Author

Alexandra Silva is a lover of words and romance. She blames the classics and a nutty English teacher for her obsession with books and fiction. Come rain or shine with either coffee or wine in hand you can find her with her nose stuck in a book and her head in the clouds. She lives in London outnumbered by her very loud boys, with her very own hero and their two wild cats—Jack and Jill.

Did you know?

I have a readers group over on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/alexsilvagroup/

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Coming Soon

For You

Prequel to Someone Like You

Phillip & Dorian

September 2018

Someone Like You

Jake & Dorian

January 2019