Author: Anderson, Lilliana
Date: 2016-01-03
Description: A storm raged the day she moved to our small town on the east coast of Australia. When we saw her, she was staring up at the sky with her arms outstretched, letting the torrential rain pour down on her as she laughed and spun around with absolute abandonment. Zeke and I watched her, mesmerised, until she spotted us and went still. It was that moment that everything changed for us. Up until that moment, Zeke and I were best friends - it was all we'd ever been, even though I’d always wanted more. Shea changed all that when she moved into the house next door. If there was such a thing as magic th
Publisher: LA Romance

In the Wind

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by Lilliana Anderson

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Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2016, Lilliana Anderson

All rights reserved

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means without the prior written permission of the author of this book.

This book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead is purely coincidental. Any actual places, products or events mentioned are used in a purely fictitious manner.  The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various places/products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission and is by no way sponsored by the trademark owners.

SYNOPSIS

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New Adult romance, for 18+ only due to sexual content and adult themes

A storm raged the day she moved to our small town on the east coast of Australia. When we saw her, she was staring up at the sky with her arms outstretched, letting the torrential rain pour down on her as she laughed and spun around with absolute abandonment. Zeke and I watched her, mesmerised, until she spotted us and went still. It was that moment that everything changed for us. Up until that moment, Zeke and I were best friends - it was all we'd ever been, even though I’d always wanted more. Shea changed all that when she moved into the house next door.

If there was such a thing as magic then Shea held its source. She was light and laughter and everything everyone ever wished they could be. We were spellbound. Awestruck. Desperate to bathe in her light.

She would teach us about life. She would show us what was really inside our hearts, while forcing us to see the world through her free-spirited eyes.

She would teach us about love.

She would teach us about heartache.

She would teach us about loss on the day she disappeared...

She always said that one day she'd follow the wind again. Perhaps that's what happened, perhaps that's where she went - in the wind...

Table of Contents

Copyright Page

Disclaimer

1

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3

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5

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28

Epilogue

THE END

Books by Lilliana Anderson

About the Author

1

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Screens.

They were forever in hands.

Smartphones.

Everyone I knew spent the majority of their life looking at one. It was a wonder they bothered with windows at all anymore. We could black them all out and no one would notice. They’d simply sit in their darkened boxes, staring at glowing screens and swear they were ‘connected’.

Except me. I was probably the only eighteen-year-old girl in existence who chose not to own a phone. If you wanted to talk to me, you’d have to do it the old fashioned way – face to face.

I lifted my eyes to the charged air as the lights flickered and thunder rolled around us like a discontented beast.

“How can you keep staring at that when there’s a magnificent storm happening off the coast?” I glanced at my best – and probably my only – friend, Zeke, who kept his dark head bowed as he shrugged his shoulders and continued scrolling through his Instagram feed, pausing occasionally to look more closely at photos from whichever busty model type or band member he’d chosen to follow recently.

Instagram made him the ultimate voyeur.

“You can get struck by lightning through a window, you know,” he pointed out, his head still down, his thumbs still scrolling.

“Where’d you learn that? YouTube?”

He grinned, glancing up at me for the first time through his too long dark hair. It hung down past his liquid black eyes as he peered through the soft falling strands. His gaze was positively heart stopping.

“Probably,” he admitted.

Returning my attention to the window, I watched as rivulets of water streaked down the glass as the rain continued to beat down. It was torrential, as if someone was standing on the roof and spraying a hose on the world as opposed to the clouds leaking their usual shower of liquid. Out on the ocean, flashes appeared in the dark sky, cracking the horizon in zigzag patterns that lit up the water, creating colour where there seemed to be none before.

Blue. Purple. Silver.

“Seriously, Zeke, come and see this. It’s like the gods are at war.”

Conceding, he set his phone to the side and climbed off my bed. Coming to sit beside me, he folded his long jean-clad legs knee first on the window seat I’d been occupying and pressed his face up against the glass.

Flash. Pause. Boom.

I smiled, caught up in the magnificence of Nature’s wrath then clutched his muscular forearm as I spoke in hushed awe. “Did you see that?”

He didn’t respond, and I turned my head, noticing he wasn’t even looking out to the ocean like I was.

“Dawn?” He said my name as a question, his voice sounding preoccupied as he leaned closer to the window, his gaze lower than mine. “Who is that?”

Leaning closer to him, I followed his line of sight and saw movement in front of the house next door. It had been vacant for most of the year. Its previous occupant was an elderly lady by the name of Joan. But, her family had moved her into a nursing home and put the house up for sale when she’d fallen and cut her head open on the edge of the stairs. It wasn’t anything terrible, but her family thought it best to keep her under constant guard. So, off she went, never to be seen again. It was sad because I liked her. She baked ANZAC biscuits for me and loved to talk about the Golden age of cinema, which was something I was in love with too. It had been an odd combination – an old lady and a teenage girl – but, I’d really enjoyed visiting her. It felt odd seeing someone moving into her house.

“Looks like we’re getting a new neighbour,” I stated, watching as moving van rattled to a stop out front.

“Do you think it’s just a summer person?”

We watched as two men rushed through the storm and began to unload furniture protect by sheets of plastic, carrying a long couch up the path to disappear into the soft yellow glow of the house.

“No. I think they’re moving in.”

Flash. Pause. Boom.

A few feet away from the moving van, in the centre of the lawn, a girl twirled about like a child. With a smile on her face, she tilted her head back and let the rain thump against her skin, her hands above her head as her long saturated hair flicked about her like a windmill. Spinning. Spinning. Laughing. Laughing.

Zeke and I pressed our heads together. Watching. Watching. It was hard to tell from this distance, but she appeared to be our age, which is what made the sight that much more wondrous. Most eighteen-year-olds did everything they could to behave like an adult in order to be taken more seriously, and here was one who obviously didn’t give a fuck about being taken seriously at all.

As we continued to watch, it was as if we held a collective breath, afraid that if we made any sort of noise the spell would be broken, and the girl on the grass below, who looked like freedom itself, would be gone.

“Who do you think she is?” Zeke whispered, his voice filled with wonder as he continued to stare. Transfixed.

“I have no idea.”

Turning my head, I allowed my breath to exhale as I took in the expression on Zeke’s face. The way he watched her. They way he looked at her. Zeke and I had been friends since he moved in across the street in second grade. And in all that time, he’d never looked at me the way he looked at her in that moment.

Reaching up, I tucked a stray lock of my dyed black hair behind my ear and tried to ignore the pang in my chest as I forced my eyes away from Zeke and down to the twirling girl. Even I had to admit that she was quite magnificent, like a breath of fresh air in our small seaside town.

When she suddenly stopped twirling, she looked up at us, somehow sensing our eyes. She smiled then gestured for us to join her.

“I’m going to say ‘hi’.” Zeke scrambled off the window seat and was out the door in a streak of denim and faded red from his t-shirt. He’d moved faster than I’d ever seen him move to get to her. When I looked back at the girl, she was still looking up at me, seemingly unbothered by the rain and wind lashing about her face. She cocked her head to the side – a curious creature – and kept her eyes on mine. She had light eyes. I could see that even in the dim light of the storm and from the second floor of my family home. I lifted my hand, and I waved – just a small wave, barely even a finger wiggle. In return, the girl beamed, took a hold of her dress in one hand then spun around in sheer abandonment. She had so much joy inside her that I couldn’t help but smile back.

She stopped spinning when Zeke stepped out in to the rain with her, and she waited until he walked toward her. They spoke. They smiled. She held out her hand.

I stepped away from the window. I didn’t want to see anymore.

***

On the Eastern edge of Australia, tucked away between the headlands, is a picturesque suburb of less than fifteen hundred people called Hargrave Cove. Unless you live in the area, you’d have no idea we existed, for we’re hidden on the edge of a national park in the Illawarra region. The winding road you’d drive along to get to us is so steep that you feel sure you’re imminent death is just around the corner. It’s enough to turn many away. But, those who brave the treacherous drive become addicted to our shores, wishing they could live here, coming back time and time again to our pocket of paradise.

To cater for the summer tourists, we have a sprinkling of bed and breakfast establishments, one hotel, a caravan park, countless holiday rentals to cater to the high demand, and typical to most Australian towns, more pubs than one town really needed. But, Aussies love to drink, so all of them have managed to stay in business over the years – even in the quiet season.

Our homes are built on the edge of two hills that create a windbreak against everything but a direct headwind, and the wildest of summer storms.

They say Hargrave Cove is the kind of place postcards are made of. The sand is white. The water is clear. And almost every window has a sea view.

It’s the kind of place those living outside of Australia dream about. It’s also the kind of place most Australian’s dream of as well.

Unless of course, you’re me, and you’ve lived here all your life and have never, ever fit into the seaside way of doing things. I couldn’t wait to leave.

This summer would herald my final months of failing to fit into the sun and surf culture of Hargrave Cove. Zeke and I had graduated high school only weeks before, and with our university acceptance letters on the way, we were so close to saying goodbye to this place and starting a whole new life in the city where there was more than sand and pubs to offer, and the people actually wore shoes. Finally, our social life wouldn’t revolve around the tiny group of kids from our high school, drinking cheap beer and cask wine while passing a joint around a bonfire, thinking the epitome of cool was knowing all the lyrics to Nirvana’s greatest hits. It was all so lame. I was so over it. I couldn’t wait for Hargrave Cove to be nothing more than an introductory page in ‘The History of Dawn Tucker’ – I was destined for bigger things than bonfires and surfing. I felt it in my bones, and while Zeke and I sat on the outskirts of popularity, we had planned our future, far, far away from here.

This was just the beginning...

2

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“Dawn!” My eyes cracked open when mother called my name from downstairs. “Dawn!”

I rolled to the side, peeking out from under the bed sheet as daylight assaulted my eyes. What time was it? A quick glance at the old fashioned alarm clock – one of those brass ones with the bells on top – that sat on the white built in shelves on the wall furthest from my bed, informed me that it was only eight in the morning.

“It’s holidays!” I yelled, pulling my sheet back over my head. It was way too early to be up. What the hell was she even doing up? Normally she was passed out in bed until lunchtime after yet another desperate date from some guy she met online.

“Come downstairs, petal.” Petal. She only said it when she was trying to be nice to me. She’d started calling me that when I was young. I remember her sitting me in front of her dressing table mirror and brushing my golden hair, telling me I was going to grow up to be a beautiful rose, just like she was. Would you like that? she’d ask, Would you like to be as pretty as mummy? I’d nod enthusiastically, wanting nothing more than to grow up and become as beautiful as my mother. But, as I grew, my lack of popularity confused her, my hair was thick and didn’t hold much of a style, and my face never became quite as pretty as hers. I had a pointy chin and a dimple in one cheek that never completely vanished, my dark blue eyes were too big, and my lips were too full. I looked odd while she looked like a model, and really, at close to fifty, she still does. Her frustration with me grew when the more she tried to change me – to fix me – the more I pushed back, until I didn’t really look like her daughter at all. I became a black haired rockabilly version of someone she didn’t even know – someone she didn’t want to know. Perhaps my looks reminded her too much of my father. I didn’t know. I just knew I’d disappointed her. She hadn’t been expecting to have a daughter with brains.

“You have a visitor, Dawn.”

I sat up. A visitor? Besides Zeke, no one visited me. And Zeke would have just come straight up to my room.

Pulling the sheet off my body, I stood up and straightened my nightgown before running my hands through my knotted black hair, wiping the sleep from my eyes as I trotted down the cool wooden staircase.

“Hi there.” That girl from last night greeted me from where she stood in the entry hall. With her hair dry, she looked like summer itself. I felt as though I paled in comparison to her natural beauty and even felt a slight jolt of jealousy when I noted my mother looking at her in admiration.

This is what she wanted, I thought. This is the kind of daughter she’d wished for. Not me.

Like this girl, I was born a natural blonde, but mine didn’t stay that way, and by the time I was thirteen, it had become that dark caramel colour that needed to be lightened so it didn’t look mousy. That’s what my mother had said anyway. Eventually, and much to my mother’s dismay, I chose to dye it black to match my constant mood. It was more fitting, and I thought it made my dark blue eyes pop more and set me apart from everyone else’s idea of beauty in this town. As I grew and came to except that I was different, I found it helped that I looked different as well. It served as somewhat of a warning to those who thought I cared.

So, while my hair colour now came from a bottle, this girl’s waist length hair was every shade of blonde there was, and you could tell there was nothing artificial about it as it fell in soft waves over her shoulders. Her skin was smooth and golden, indicating she spent way more time outdoors than indoors, and on her face, she wore zero make up, had eyes the colour of the clearest part of the ocean. Her smile was white, her teeth naturally straight. She was tall – close to six foot, and she was slim without being skinny. She was exactly the kind of person Hargrave Cove wanted. She’d fit in perfectly here. I wasn't sure what she’d want with me.

“Can I help you with something?”

She extended her hand. “I’m Shea. We met last night. Well...” She laughed. It sounded like the tinkling of bells. I narrowed my eyes. “We kind of met anyway. I was the girl spinning in the rain.”

“I remember. And now you’re the girl standing in my entryway. Is there something you wanted? Zeke isn’t here.” I don’t know if it was the fact Zeke ran to her so willingly the night before, or the fact she looked like the boho version of every girl who never had any time for me. But I wanted her to go.

Another smile. She didn’t seem to notice, or didn’t care that I was trying to dismiss her. “I was looking for you. Since I just moved to the area and we’re neighbours and all, I was hoping you’d show me around.”

I lifted my arm and pointed lazy out the window. “The beach is there. The surf club is there. The shops run along Beach St. That’s about as exciting as it gets.”

“Dawn,” my mother interrupted. “Why don’t you take Shea out and show her what you kids like to do. It will do you good to get some sun.”

I looked down at my own pale complexion, kept that way with copious amounts of sunscreen and a penchant for sitting in the shade. “Eighteen is an adult, mum. I’m not a kid anymore.”

My mother waved off my comment with an exaggerated eye roll. She’d obviously slept with her makeup on and had mascara smudges under her eyes. How embarrassing. Sometimes I wondered which of the two of us were the adult in this relationship. Ever since my dad moved out to pursue a relationship with a dental nurse named, Missy, she had reverted back to a flirtatious teen. I couldn’t even tell you the amount of men she’d met online and had a one-night stand with. I’d lost count and stopped listening when she talked about it. My input was to make sure she always had plenty of condoms in her purse. However, even that had come at a price. Someone at the local pharmacy had noticed my regular transaction, and as a result, I spent the last year branded as a slut. Thanks, mum.

“Just go out and have fun,” she told me. “You’re far too serious, Dawn. You can’t spend your entire last summer with your nose stuck in a book.”

“I watch movies too,” I argued, trying to somehow flesh out the mediocre plotline of my current life.

My mother took my comment as a joke and laughed. “Go and have fun with your new friend, Dawn.”

Deciding against arguing any further, I conceded and turned to Shea. “Just give me a minute to get changed.”

“Why? I love that dress. Have you ever been to New York?”

Pulling at the ruffle on my Peter Alexander ‘Lady Liberty’ nightgown, I glanced at the statue’s face and shook my head. “No. But, it’s on my bucket list. And this is a nightie.”

“Oh.” She followed me up the stairs as I headed to my room. “We actually lived in New York for a year when I was sixteen. You’d love it.”

“How do you know I’d love it, Shea? You don’t even know me.”

Grinning, she watched me as I opened my rustic looking chest of drawers and pulled out some clothing.

“People aren’t so different, Dawn. All over the world, in all the towns and all the places, they’re intrinsically the same.”

I raised my eyebrows. “And here I was, thinking I was different. Excuse me.” Leaving my room, I headed into the bathroom where I relieved myself and washed before dressing in a cherry red pair of high waisted shorts, and a black and white polka dot halter neck top. I wasn’t tall and model shaped like Shea and my mother were, but I was slim and felt I had a decent set of curves at my disposal. And I made the most of my hourglass shape with the way I dressed.

When I returned to my room, Shea was holding a bottle up to her nose from my Gucci mini fragrance set that I had never touched but kept because I liked the tiny bottles. I moved to stand near her and brush my hair.

“You look hot,” she stated, her eyes taking in my outfit as she placed her index finger on the opening of the bottle and tipped the fragrance upside down. She dabbed lightly behind her ears then repeated the process for each of her wrists.

I laughed to cover my unease, not really understanding why someone I just met would want to compliment me in such a way. Was her comment just a joke? I felt that it must be, because I didn’t look hot. I looked like someone who didn’t belong in this town – something Shea was about to discover for herself by spending the day with me. I doubted she’d want to be my friend once she realised I was an outcast.

“This is definitely my favourite.” She held out her wrist for me to smell. “What do you think?”

With my brow lifted, I took a quick sniff of her wrist as I continued to brush my hair and pull it into an elegant bun on top of my head. “I think you should keep it. I don’t wear Gucci.”

Meeting my eyes in the mirror, she watched as I tied a red and black bandana around my head in place of a headband. “Too good for Gucci, huh?” she asked with a smile. “Then what’s your fragrance, Dawn?” She picked up my tube of Chanel red lipstick and handed to me. “Let me guess, you’re a Coco Chanel girl?”

Taking the black tube of lipstick from between her fingers, I leaned closer to the mirror and slid the perfect shade of red across my lips, pressing them together before turning to her to answer. “It’s my signature scent,” I said with a smile as I picked up my white-rimmed cat eye sunglasses, and as I slid them on my face, I pursed my lips, causing her to laugh. She had a really nice easy laugh, and I wondered how long it would take before that laugh was aimed at me instead of laughing with me.

***

“So, what’s the deal with you and Zeke?”

I knew I’d get asked that question.

We were walking along Beach Street, which is where everything is besides a few random cafes, the charity store, and a few pubs. Shea was eating a fruit salad with her fingers, and I was working my way through a bag of liquorice. I knew all that sugar was bad for me. I just didn’t care.

“Why do you want to know?” I asked, holding a piece of liquorice between my teeth and pulling until I heard the length of candy snap before I started chewing.

“You have the same anchor tattoo on your ankles.”

I looked down. “They’re fake,” I explained, looking down at the airbrushed tattoo we’d gotten together a few days before when we went to seaside markets. It had already faded slightly and would supposedly wear off within a couple of weeks. But they looked quite real and we’d even thought that we might get real ones as a promise to always be there for each other, no matter what the future held. I wondered how she’d seen his since he was wearing jeans the day before...

“We’re just friends,” I told her.

Across the road, a group of guys I knew from school went gliding past on skateboards.

“Hey, Dawn.” I made the mistake of looking up. “Who’s your new friend? Does she suck cock too?”

Scowling, I lifted my middle finger at them in salute, resulting in the rumbling of male laughter as they continued on their way.

“Friends of yours?” Shea dropped her container of fruit salad in a nearby bin, and I threw in the rest of the liquorice as well, the flavour becoming bitter after the rude jibe.

“That’s Scott Jennings, and the ‘Scott Jennings Wannabes’. Their interests include surfing, drinking, and fucking – not necessarily in that order. But, it’s all they ever talk about. I think there’s some latent homosexuality going on between some of them. They’re all too willing to strip naked and swing their cocks around in front of one another to be completely straight.”

“The philosopher Nietzsche seems to think that sexuality isn’t just one sided, in essence, his writing suggests that we are all capable of desire toward the same sex, the opposite sex, and even ourselves. The whole notion of chastity and single committed relationships between a man and a woman weren’t normal until Christianity became the dominant religion. Before that, there was quite the ‘anything goes’ attitude.”

“What the fuck are you on?” I asked with a laugh after listening to her lengthy diatribe.

She shrugged. “Philosophy. Open mindedness.”

Looking at her, I studied her face for a moment as she stood before me, smiling as she held her long hair back so the wind didn’t blow it across her face. She looked just like the girls who grew up here, but there was something different about her – her ideas, her words – every time she opened her mouth, an intelligence spilled from her lips that I hadn’t expected when I first saw her twirling in the wind and the rain.

“How old are you?” I asked after a while.

“How old do you think I am?”

“I had thought you were eighteen like me, but I’m beginning to think you’re older.”

“I’m eighteen. But, I like books.” She shrugged her shoulders as if that simple sentence explained everything.

“I like books too, but you won’t hear me quoting Nei–” I stopped because I couldn’t remember the name she’d used.

“Nietzsche,” she finished for me as we continued our walk down the path.

“Yeah. Nietzsche. What kind of eighteen-year-old reads philosophers?”

“It’s interesting as fuck, you should try it some time.”

A smile broke across my face, curving up my blood red lips. “Interesting as fuck, hey? See, now you’re sounding more like an eighteen-year-old.” We walked a few paces in silence. “You know, I didn’t think I was going to like you. But, I think I was wrong.”

She turned to me. “Funny. I liked you instantly.”

3

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“Thought I’d find you up here.” Zeke folded his long legs and sat beside me on the grassy area of the cliff edge at the lookout. It was the place we went to most, as you could see the whole town from up there without anyone bothering you. “Hi, Shea.” He leaned forward to look around me and smiled a shy smile.

I didn’t like the way I felt when he looked at her. Up until that moment, Shea and I had been having a great day. I’d walked her through the streets and shown her everything there was to see in Hargrave Cove in a few short hours. Then I’d brought her up to the Lookout to show her the best view of the Cove. We’d talked and laughed, and really, it had started to feel as though I’d made a friend in her. She wasn’t what I’d first thought she was at all. She wasn’t an airhead obsessed with her looks. She had a quick wit, and understood me when I talked about topics other than boys and fashion. I’d actually enjoyed myself, and I’d never had a girl my own age for a friend before, so there was that too. The way she and Zeke seemed to look at each other, well, it complicated things in a way I didn’t particularly want to explore.

“What do you have there?” Shea asked, using her eyes to indicate the wrapped parcel Zeke held in his hands.

“Smells like fish and chips,” I said, as I reached over took it from him before shuffling backward and peeling the tape from the butchers paper.

“I’m starving,” Shea groaned, reaching for a golden chip as the paper opened and its contents spilled across the greaseproof sheet in a steaming heap.

“Thought you might be. Dawn’s mum said you’d been gone since morning.”

“How did you know to bring it up here?” Shea asked him, as we all dug into the food. “Did Dawn text you when I wasn’t looking?”

Zeke laughed and shook his head. “Dawn doesn’t believe in mobile phones. I just knew this is where she’d be.”

“You too are pretty close, huh?”

He glanced at me, his full mouth pulled into a dimple producing half smile. “As close as two people can get without fucking.”

I rolled my eyes but smiled as Shea and Zeke both laughed. Then I threw a chip at Zeke, and he nudged his body against mine in that friendly way he always did.

Zeke and I were best friends.

Just best friends.

It was a friendship that had carried us through our youth and our awkward teenage years, and now it was moving into our adulthood. Two outcasts, fighting the outside world together – we were invincible as long as we had each other. We were the anchors to each other’s drifting boat. We gave meaning to what seemed an otherwise pointless existence.

For a long time, we hated that we didn’t fit in. I think Zeke was the one that suffered most because of it. I was teased, but it was because there was something fundamentally different about me at my very core. For a long time, and to appease my mother, I tried to look as though I fit in. But, when ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ just wasn’t an option anymore, I stopped giving a rats arse and began to celebrate my differences. I listened to my obscure music and devoured ancient horror movies, read books from every genre I could find until my eyes refused to see anymore. I stopped trying to be a part of things. I stopped trying to be something I wasn’t. For me, there was a freedom in that. Not giving a shit forced me to see the world outside Hargrave Cove. Out in that world was where I was meant to be.

Zeke however, had a different experience. He was a boy, and he was awkward, he was shy – it made him a target for the golden haired bullies who had everything so easy.

When we were in primary school, he was small and skinny, with wild dark hair and big eyes, so dark they were practically black. He was so painfully introverted that when he opened his mouth, most of the time a stutter would emerge instead of his actual voice, and I ended up talking for him. Of course, that didn't go down well with the bullies at all.

Then, when high school came around, he had a growth spurt that caused him to be all arms and legs. Speech-wise, he became even more awkward as his voice squeaked up and down during puberty. Besides talking to me, he just shut up all together, speaking only when absolutely necessary, and even then, he was obscenely quiet. People thought there was something wrong with him. There wasn’t. They simply never gave him the chance to feel comfortable around them.

Together we were freaks. Me by design. Him by force.

Then year eleven happened. Zeke’s parents took him and his little sister to Bali for the summer holidays, and when he returned, it was like he’d suddenly turned into a man – an incredibly hot man. I’d always seen his beauty, and I’d noticed his body changing, but suddenly, everyone else saw him too. Standing at six foot three, his body had filled out in all the right places – broad shoulders, narrow hips, a dimpled smile. If Jamie Dornan and Nina Dobrev had a love child, Zeke would be the result. He had this manly beauty about him that had started to turn heads. My jealousy and desire to keep him all to myself was born. I’d never had a threat of sharing him before then.

On top of his looks, he’d returned with a confidence that wasn’t there before – partly because he’d lost his V-card while he was over there – and it meant that he stood a little straighter, spoke a little louder, and laughed more freely.

I’d thought there was no way he’d want to keep hanging around with me – the socially inept, Dawn Tucker, once he was accepted by the masses. He’d gone from geek to smoking hot in what seemed like the blink of an eye, and honestly, I thought the moment someone like Olivia Hunter – the most popular girl in our school – showed an interest, I’d lose him.

But I didn’t.

He turned her down.

He turned them all down, later telling me that he was still the same person he always was. They didn’t like him before. So he didn’t like them now. I often wondered how true that was, because they didn’t stop trying. Girls always kept trying for Zeke. Sometimes, they did it right in front of me. I guess they didn’t see me as any sort of competition. I wasn’t pretty enough for the likes of him – just ask my mum...

“So, you two have never?” Shea looked between us, her eyebrows lifted part way up her forehead, a piece of fried fish held at the ready, about to enter her mouth.

“Why do you want to know?” I asked, trying to hide my defensiveness by stuffing my mouth with more food. It wasn’t any of her business whether Zeke and I had ever had sex – which we hadn’t. Obviously...

She shrugged. “Just curious. You’re close. And from the sounds of things you spend a lot of time together – why not spend a bit of time between the sheets too?”

Laughing as though the idea of us sleeping together was some kind of a joke, Zeke shook his head. “No. We haven’t done any of that. Best friends and fucking don’t really mix. Right, Dawny?” He reached over and took my glasses off my face, sliding them over his own eyes as he threw a chip over the edge of the cliff face and a seagull swooped down and caught it. He laughed. No matter how many times he didn’t that, it never ceased to amuse him.

Squinting in the sun, I waited until I’d finished my mouthful before answering. “Right,” I agreed with a smile, noting the tightness to my voice as the word came out. Am I really that undesirable that the idea of sleeping with me is comical? I cleared my throat then filled my mouth with more food, glancing at Shea as I did. She was sitting there, eating a handful of chips, one at a time, with her head tilted to the side in a way that told me she was assessing everything we said. When she met my eyes, I knew she knew full well exactly how I felt about my best friend.

Abruptly, I stood up and dusted myself off. “I think I hear Jack calling me at The Palms.” I took my glasses back from Zeke and slid them over my eyes. “You coming?”

I held out my hand and Zeke took it, standing before offering his other hand to Shea. “Jack is Jack Daniels. She wants to go for a drink,” he explained.

“I gathered,” Shea replied, allowing him to help her up while I bent down to pick up the remains of our lunch. I’d walked her past The Palms on the way up to the lookout and told her that was where my mate ‘Jack’ lived.

As we walked down the dirt path from the lookout, Zeke continued, “There are probably only three places in town that Dawn actually likes. The lookout is one of them, then there’s The Palms, and the post office.”

“The post office?” Shea asked.

I had been walking in front of them and turned around with a flourish and struck an exaggerated catwalk pose. “Because they’re the only reason I have such amazing fashion sense.”

“She’s an online shopping addict,” Zeke elaborated with a laugh as they stepped past me.

“You’re not much better,” I added, as I quick stepped a few paces then jumped onto his back – used to this, he caught my legs and carried me without giving it a second thought.

“True. There’s a lot of stuff you just can’t buy in Hargrave Cove.”

“Maybe,” Shea put in. “But, they seem to have everything you need. There’s a beauty in that, you know. I’ve travelled all over, and so far, this looks as close to paradise as I’ve ever seen.”

Zeke and I looked at each other then burst out laughing.

“Why is that so funny?”

I jumped off Zeke’s back. “It’s just that you’re saying that to probably the only two people who live here and don’t agree with you. Zeke and I are counting down the days until we get our acceptance into Uni so we can make plans to leave this place. It’s paradise to some, but to us, it’s been more of a prison.”

Her azure blue eyes met mine for a moment, filled with a dreamy softness that you didn’t see often in someone so young. It was reserved for those much older while they looked back and remembered, I recalled seeing that look in my old neighbour’s eyes as she regaled me with stories of her youth.

“Perhaps you’re just looking at it the wrong way.”

4

––––––––

Locals didn’t spend a lot of time at The Palms Hotel & Bar. It was a kitschy surf themed bar that was purely for tourists, decorated to look like a straw hut with surfboards, tiki lamps, and those strings of fake hyacinth fairy lights. They served pub-style food that you could eat outside on a balcony that overlooked Hargrave Beach and always smelled like citronella lamps to keep away the summer mosquitos.

The music was cool though, the manager, Luke, was a single dad who grew up in the Cove, and from what I knew, never had the inclination to leave. He was obsessed with folk rock and played Ben Howard, Angus & Julia Stone, and Keaton Henson, giving The Palms a relaxed feel that I totally loved and Zeke didn’t mind.

“Dawn has a crush on the bartender by the way,” Zeke informed Shea as we stepped through the doors.

“I do not.” I shot him a warning look and slapped him on the shoulder, then the chest, causing him to laugh and hold his hands up defensively. Adorably.

“We’ll grab a table outside if you want to get the drinks,” he said, steering Shea toward the side doors that lead out to the balcony. My eyes couldn’t help but linger on the place his hand rested – the small of her back. I took a deep breath and turned away.

“Did Zeke find another unsuspecting tourist to ditch you for?” Luke asked as he saw me approach the bar. Luke wasn’t a fan of Zeke’s. He’d walked me home once after Zeke had gotten a little too drunk and forgotten his best friend duties when he left the bar with some random girl from another town. I’d told Luke I could take care of myself, but he’d insisted, saying that friends didn’t abandon friends to walk home alone in the dark. Zeke had felt like an arsehole and apologised profusely, and he’d never ditched me again, but still, Luke held a grudge.

I shifted my glasses to the top of my head and slipped onto the barstool in front of him, pulling a short black straw out of the caddy and placing the end of it between my teeth. “She’s a new resident. Moved in next door to my place last night.”

His eyebrows lifted. “During that storm?” Without waiting for me to order, he began to mix a Jack and Coke for me then he pulled a Bundy Draught for Zeke.

“Yeah. Right in the middle of it.”

“She’s game. What’s she drinking?”

“Give her a vodka orange, she seems the type to me.”

“How do you rate her?” he asked, placing all three drinks in front of me.

I gave him money for the drinks along with a single shoulder shrug. “She seems OK. She’s smart. So, that’s cool.”

Ringing the drinks up on the register, he handed me my change. “She into all those crazy books you read?”

Zeke knew Luke didn’t really like him, so I was always the one ordering for us, and while waiting for drinks, I often talked Luke’s ear off about books and films, and anything else I felt like rattling on about at the time. He was a good listener, and he was a nice guy who seemed to have all the patience in the world. We got along well, and Luke was incredibly easy on the eyes – so, maybe I flirted with him a little. But, despite Zeke’s teasing, there wasn’t anything going on. I think Luke saw our friendship as more of a big brother type of thing that developed over the couple of years Zeke and I had been hanging out of The Palms. At first we went there for their spectacular fries and ice cold Coke during high school, but once we hit eighteen and were legally allowed to drink, we shifted to the harder stuff and upgraded to their wood fired pizzas.

Luke was thirty-five. He was a widower with a five-year-old son who now lived in the same street he grew up on so his mother could help watch his son while he worked. He had light brown hair that fell in a wispy mess that’s only style was however it dried after his early morning surf. He was tanned a golden brown all year round and had kind green eyes with flecks of brown in them. His strong jawline forever looked as though he’d forgotten to shave and he always wore a pair of tan cargo shorts with a white cotton t-shirt and an open Hawaiian themed short-sleeved button up. The only close-toed shoes he owned were canvas boat shoes that didn’t require laces. But, if he wasn’t working, he would wear flip-flops or go bare foot.

“She’s read Nietzsche,” I offered in explanation as to why I’d stated that Shea was smart.

“What’s that book about?” he asked, busying himself in the quiet of the afternoon lull by polishing glasses from the dishwasher.

“It’s not the name of a book.” I smiled. “Nietzsche is a philosopher.”

He frowned and looked off into the distance before returning his gaze to mine. “What does he philosophise?”

I gave him a bounce of my shoulders. “I have no idea. I haven’t read his work.”

Pressing his lips together, he nodded and returned his attention to the glass in his hands. “She must be smart then if she’s read a book that you haven’t.” Luke had it in his head that I was the smartest girl around, and often commented that he thought I’d be running the country some day.

“Right?” I grinned then thanked him for the drinks before carrying them outside to where Zeke and Shea were sitting across from each other and talking as they looked out over the balcony.

“Have a good chat to your boyfriend?” Zeke teased as I set the glasses down and took my seat in between them around the circular frosted glass top table.

“Quit it, Zeke, he’s like, thirty-five – way too old for me.”

Shea sat forward and looked inside to where Luke was serving an older looking couple at the bar. “Age is just a number, Dawn. He’s hot. I reckon he’s got an ace body under that shirt.”

“You think he’s hot?” I queried, putting my feet up on the rung under the table as I slid my sunglasses back over my eyes. “So you’d do him, and not care about his age at all?”

She picked up her vodka and orange and took a sip through the half sized straw. “Of course. I’m an adult. He’s an adult. As long as you’re both into it, what does it matter how old he is? He’s obviously interested in you, Dawn.”

“I doubt that,” I replied as I looked back at Luke, watching as he busied himself behind the bar. He was definitely hot, I wasn’t blind to that, but I was fairly sure he was just being kind to me because I was a regular customer. It wasn’t because he liked me. The guy had been married and had a kid of his own. There was no way he looked at me the way she was saying. I was just a kid to him.

“Believe me, Dawn. I know men.”

Considering she was only eighteen as well, I highly doubted she knew as much as she said. Frowning in thought, I turned my attention to my drink and used my straw to stir it, watching the ice swirl about in the dark liquid. “Well, it doesn’t really matter what you think, because it’s not like that between us. We’re just friends.” I lifted my eyes to meet hers. Who was she to come into my life and start poking her nose around where it wasn’t wanted?

“Friends can have benefits, you know. It doesn’t have to mean anything.” She grinned at me, moving her leg so she nudged mine gently with hers. I shifted away slightly, feeling uncomfortable with her insinuation. I didn’t like the way this conversation was going.

“I think it should mean something,” I retorted. “The whole ideal of ‘swiping left’ and ‘Netflix and chill’ leaves a lot to be desired in my opinion. No one seems to care about having decent human connections anymore.”

Zeke sat forward, placing his hand on my forearm to silence me before I went off on a rant. “Relax, Dawny, she doesn’t know your stance on the subject.” He turned to Shea to explain while I looked away and rolled my eyes. “Dawn feels very strongly about the current hook up culture. She thinks things should be more old fashioned.”

“And what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with dating and being committed to each other before jumping into bed and screwing?”

“Nothing.” He turned back to me. “But that’s your opinion, and not everyone here shares that.”

Looking away, I chewed the inside of my bottom lip to keep myself from ranting again. The amount of flack I’d copped from covering for my own mother’s exploits, when I knew those mocking me changed their partnerships as often as they changed their swimsuits, had me feeling as though I was the only person left on the planet who cared about actually getting to know a person before you got all naked and horizontal with them.

“Human’s aren’t meant to be monogamous, Dawn,” Shea pointed out. “We’re not penguins. Sex should be fun. It should be natural and unrestricted.”

“So you advocate random fucking?”

Smiling, she shook her head. “You misunderstand. I advocate unrestricted love.”

“Unrestricted? Surely you don’t think laws should be broken?”

Her expression stayed serene as she tilted her head slightly. “Of course not. They’re there for a reason. But everything else...I think it should be explored, and I don’t think there should be any shame attached.” She exchanged a glance with Zeke that had my chest tightening.

Looking away, I knocked back my drink and placed the glass with the remaining ice on the glass table with a thud. “Can we change the subject please?” Discussing monogamy and sexual desires was something that, unless you’ve witnessed the heartache a cheating partner caused, wasn’t something you could discuss with me lightly. Zeke knew that. It was why he never discussed girls with me, and why, besides sometimes picking them up in front of me, he tended to conduct any sort of casual relationship he had going on outside of my knowledge. I had no idea when and if he ever slept with other girls, and I was much happier that way.

I think.

I looked out to the water as Zeke took over the conversation and asked Shea where she’d lived before coming to Hargrave Cove. She answered that she’d lived all over. It was stuff I’d already heard throughout the day, so I sat quietly, half listening, half watching the world go by, thinking about how much better life would be if men could keep their dicks in their pants, and women could find value in things other than a reflection in the mirror. The shallowness of the world made me sick.

On the beach I could see Scott Jennings throwing a football to one of his Wannabes, his tan muscular body making every movement look choreographed. Off to his right, Olivia Hunter was laid out on a towel, her own entourage of Sunshine Barbie girls surrounding her, bikini tops untied as they baked and completely ignored the Skin Cancer Council’s recommendations regarding sun exposure to get the perfect line free tan. Every time I saw them, I reminded myself that I wasn’t like them. I didn’t care about how pretty I was or wasn’t. I didn’t care about hooking up with some guy at a bonfire every week. I didn’t care...

Or so I told myself anyway.

Pushing the thoughts from my mind, I focused on the fact that each day was one less day I had to spend watching them all from the outside. School had finished a couple of weeks ago, and we had a little more than three months until the University term would start. It was one last summer of not fitting in. One last summer of being judged for who I was – one last summer...

“Are you staying in town permanently, or do you have plans to go to Uni next year?”

“Oh, I don’t think University is the place for me. I prefer to get my education from life experience. It’s served me pretty well so far. And, as for staying here...” She looked out to the water and closed her eyes for a moment as she let the breeze caress her face. Then she turned back to us, her blue eyes mirroring the water behind her as she took a breath to speak. “I’ll let the wind decide.”

We let the comment sink in for a moment, as if it carried some sort of great meaning within its words. Then Zeke and I glanced at each other; his eyes were so full of amusement that I started laughing. “The wind? Who are you – Mary Poppins?”

Zeke had begun to laugh as well, and I suppose Shea saw the funny side of it too, because she reached into her drink and pulled out some ice, throwing it across the table at each of us. It started a war of flying ice and laughter that ended in Luke having to tell us to take it somewhere else.

“I’m sorry,” Luke said, his eyes meeting mine, genuinely apologetic.

I shrugged to tell him it was fine, and we all stood to go.

“Oh, lighten up, beautiful Luke.” Shea jumped up and twirled toward Luke, wrapping her arms around his neck as she looked up at him with a smile. He blushed and chuckled uncomfortably, gripping her hips to push her away while he looked to me for help. “We’re just having a little fun.”

I took a hold of Shea’s arm. “Come on, Shea. We still haven’t seen the beach.”

With a giggle, she released a very relieved looking Luke and spun around to grab both Zeke and me by our hands. “We should go swimming.” I waved goodbye to Luke as she pulled Zeke and me down the stairs to the beach.

Once we hit the bottom, she reached down the pulled her dress up over her head, letting it fly in the wind as she raised her arms skyward and let the billowing fabric go, running toward the water in a tiny black string bikini that left very little to the imagination. I felt the need to look away. But Zeke watched, tracking her movement with hungry eyes.

Instantly, my chest felt tight. Zeke wanted her, I could see that. And given her views on sex and relationships, I could see it would be very easy for that want of his to be fulfilled. Sex. They all wanted sex. What was so wrong with wanting more than that? Why couldn’t it be special?

Feeling like the third wheel, I considered going back up to The Palms to get another drink and talk to Luke, who didn’t seem to lose his mind over the attention Shea gave him. If anything, it seemed to make him uncomfortable. Fleetingly, I wondered if perhaps it was because he did like me in the way Shea had insinuated, but I dropped that idea as quickly as it appeared in my mind. It was more likely that he was uncomfortable because Shea was so young, and he was a grown man. Shea was just a kid, just like me. He was out of our league.

Letting out a small sigh, I found the closest bit of shade and headed over to it, leaving Zeke to stare after the most beautiful girl Hargrave Cove had ever seen.

Big hint – it wasn’t me.

5

––––––––

The afternoon sun felt as strong as it did at midday, and knowing my distaste for tanning, Zeke dropped a bottle of sunscreen on the sand in front of me. He’d managed to tear his eyes away from Shea for long enough to remember I existed. “Where'd you get that?”

He nodded toward the Sunshine Barbies. “From Olivia.”

My eyebrows lifted above the white rim of my sunglasses as I picked up the light blue bottle. “And she just handed it over?” Olivia never did something for nothing.

Taking the bottle from my hand, he flipped the lid and squirted some on his hand, gesturing for me to turn around so he could apply it to my back. “As long as I agreed that we’d turn up at the bonfire on Friday night.”

His hand was a warm contrast to the cool lotion as it moved against my skin. I closed my eyes for a moment, enjoying the connection a little too much. “Why would you agree to something like that?”

“I don’t know. It’s our last summer here. I guess I just wanted to see what it was like.”

“Does she ask you to the bonfires a lot?”

He didn’t answer for a moment. “Define ‘a lot’.”

I rolled my eyes at his response then turned as he finished with my back. “Whatever. It doesn’t even matter. You obviously said yes.” He handed me the bottle, and I began to apply the lotion to my legs and arms.

“Yeah, but I’m only coming if you do too.”

“I can’t imagine I was a part of the deal, Zeke.”

“It doesn’t matter what she meant. You and I are a package deal. If she wants me there, you come too. And we can bring Shea, show her what Hargrave Cove is really like.”

Lifting the side of my mouth in a sad smile, I looked out to where Shea was, splashing about in the water while one of the Wannabes tried to get her attention. She was laughing and drawing everyone in. There was just something about her that made people pay attention.

“Something tells me she’s already invited. She fits right in.”

“Does that bother you?” he asked, taking his eyes off her and meeting mine.

“Why would it?”

He shrugged a single shoulder. “I just know how you feel about this whole scene, and it seems as though you two get along pretty well. I’d hate to see things fall apart just because she fits in with Olivia and Scott’s crew. She seems nice.”

“She seems opinionated.”

“You like opinionated.” He bumped his arm against mine.

I grinned, looking out into the surf as Shea spun and let her hands skim the top of the water, sending a spray of water all over the Wannabe closest to her. Her laughter carried on the breeze and somehow made me feel a little lighter.

“Yeah, I like opinionated.”

I turned back to him as he smiled broadly, as if he was proud of me for making a friend or something.

In my stomach, there was a tiny pull – a niggle – that started a worry in my mind. What if he had always wished I’d make more friends besides him? Was I a burden to him? Did he secretly want to be a part of all this? Was I holding him back?

“You seem to like her too,” I said once I’d pushed my thoughts down as far as I could.

“She’s cool.”

“She seems to like you.” Butterflies fluttered about in my stomach. I needed to shut up, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself from commenting on his obvious interest in her.

“I guess.”

“Where did you two go last night?”

“Last night?”

“Yeah. When you went and spoke to her during the storm.”

“Oh, that. Nowhere. We just ran to her balcony so we were out of the rain. She told me her name. I told her mine. She asked after you, and then her dad told her she was needed inside. Then I went home. We didn’t hook up if that’s what you’re worried about.”

I shrugged. “Well, you could, you know...I mean, if you like her and all.”

He looked at me, his brow furrowed. “And you’d be totally fine with that?”

“I suppose.”

Shea came running up to us, wringing out her long wet hair as she trudged through the sand. “The water is amazing. Are either of you going in?”

“We don’t really swim,” I told her.

She released a puff of air. “There’s a lot you two don’t do, isn’t there?”

I shrugged. “It’s what separates us from the riffraff.”

“I’m sure,” she said with a laugh. “Just make sure you don’t miss out on having fun to prove a point.”

“Thanks, mum,” I mocked as I picked up the bottle of sunscreen and held it out to Zeke. “You’d better take this back to Olivia. Tell her you’ll see her Friday.”

“I’ll tell her we’ll see her Friday. You’re coming too. It’s our last summer in the Cove.” He turned to Shea and explained there was a bonfire later that week, and we were all going to attend.

Shea looked between us and took a breath before speaking. “I think you two should make this summer about firsts. Do everything you’ve never done and don’t give a fuck about the consequences.”

Zeke grinned, and I could see the mischief in his eyes. “We should show them all what fun really is.”

I shook my head, wondering what we really knew about having fun that didn’t involve long conversations about getting out of the Cove. But, I smiled along with them anyway, feeling the energy coming off them as they grew excited at the thought of partying like it was the last summer we’d ever have. “What kind of fun are we going to show them?”

“Our kind of fun. It’s time we shook this place up, Dawn – leave our mark. We need to have the most epic summer we’ve ever had, so that when we misfits leave this place they’ll all wonder what the hell happened.” Zeke seemed so excited at the prospect of going wild that I had to smile.

“Well, they’ll freak the fuck out when Mary Poppins here goes floating away on the wind,” I said, gesturing toward Shea.

Shea laughed and stretched out her arms, spinning around and acting as though she was floating away.

“All right, you want to party on Friday, Mary Poppins?” I asked with a laugh.

“Every day and night should be a party, but sure, Friday it is,” she said, linking her arm with Zeke’s and hugging herself into him as she held her other hand out to me, pulling me to stand with them. “This is going to be such fun. I’m so glad I met you two.”

She kissed us both on our cheeks.

***

We’d arranged to meet at my house after dark on Friday, knowing that, as always, I’d be the only one home. My mother would inevitably be going out on one of her ‘dates’.

It wasn’t always like that though. There was a time in my life when my house was filled with life and love, and I never felt alone. A time when I had to head home the moment the streetlights turned on. A time when my mother still smiled...

Each night when the sun slid from the sky and those little guiding beacons above were illuminated, I’d know my dad was home and that it was time for dinner. I loved my dad. I loved spending time with him. So, I’d drop whatever I was doing and race home, bursting through the door as I called out to him. I remember feeling instantly hungry when I opened the door to the smell of a home cooked meal. My mother wasn’t a particularly good cook, but she was a good wife and had dinner prepared for when my father got home from work every night without fail. Often, I’d get inside and find them standing together in the kitchen greeting each other in a passionate kiss or embrace. It should have embarrassed me, but I loved it. I loved seeing their love with my own eyes. It made me believe in true love.

Whenever he heard me come inside, my father would turn to me with a big grin on his face and say, ‘There’s my little mermaid’ because he always took me surfing and I loved the water. Then he’d pick me up and twirl me around to the tune of my giggling. ‘Let’s go get you washed up while mummy gets dinner on the table.’ He’d kiss her once more then escort me to the bathroom, switching on taps, handing out soap and holding the hand towel while I regaled him with tales about my day. He listened well, and he always smiled. It was my favourite part of the day, and that moment is something I still hang on to, looking on it fondly while wondering where it all went. It was gone all too quickly.

By the time I was twelve, he wasn’t home when the lights went on anymore. Since he was always working late, the house stopped smelling of home cooked food. Without my father around to give her purpose, my mother simply stopped. The glow of happiness I’d looked forward to was replaced with the glow of a cigarette out by the pool while my mother waited for the phone to ring and for my father to explain where he was that time. At first, there was always an excuse then he just stopped coming home altogether. Except that one time when he came back to say goodbye...

After that, my mum started her voracious ‘dating’, and without any real parental guidance in my life, I grew up way too fast. But, I held onto that memory of our happy times. I always held onto that ideal...

“There's some Lean Cuisine in the freezer.” My mother sauntered down the staircase, her focus on the clutch purse in her hands as she checked over its contents before her night out. “Or you can always call for take out. Just put it on the card.” That was my mother's answer to everything – the card. My father still paid all of our bills, and she did her best to spend as much of his money as possible. So did I, really. I suppose it was our way of punishing him for leaving. And he could afford it; he was a senior partner at one of the big law firms in the city. Money wasn't an issue for him. Keeping his dick in his pants during dental appointments was. “Although, if I were you, I’d go with the Lean Cuisine – you need to watch your figure.”

Rolling my eyes, I bit my tongue as I watched her stop in front of the hall mirror to fidget with her hair and check her teeth for lipstick. “Where are you going tonight?” I asked, not really needing an answer since I already knew exactly where she was going. Same place she was always going – out to land some guy who didn't really care, just so she could feel desirable for a few moments before returning home to an empty bed, drunk.

“The city.” She smiled. Still so pretty, her eyes were blue like mine with only slight creases around the edges. She'd had her breasts lifted six months ago and always kept in shape. Her hair was all blonde foils that set off the spray tan she maintained to golden perfection. My mother was what many referred to as a cougar. Although, I really wished she wasn’t. I missed the old version of my mum. “Don’t wait up.” She grinned and winked. My stomach turned and twisted.

I watched her tuck her clutch under her arm and head out to her Mercedes in the driveway. I'd turned away, planning to rummage in the freezer for something to eat before I got ready for the bonfire, but voices outside made me stop to go and investigate.

“Your daughter has been so kind to show my Shea around.” A foreign accent. French?

“I'd be more than happy to do the same for you. Surely you could use a personal tour.”

I could hear the flirtation in her voice. Oh god, mum. Not the neighbour...

“I may take you up on that.” He was flirting too!

Soft laughter. I moved to peek out the window beside the front door and saw a brunette man with one of those hairstyles that looked as though it was once short and neat, but was now a little too long and curling at the base of his neck. He was wearing a white lightweight shirt and a pair of brown linen pants without shoes. And he was talking to my mother with an intent that was so very obviously sexual. I rolled my eyes, wishing my mother had a little more self-respect, or at least some self-control. The man was Shea’s father I presumed. She hadn't mentioned the whole French thing, although I supposed it explained the whole moving around business – perhaps he was some sort of ambassador or diplomat or something...

“I'd like that.” My mother’s voice was light and girly. It turned my stomach and made me consider packing my bags and moving early so I didn’t have to witness another moment of this...this old people hooking up thing. He had to be almost fifty and my mother was forty-two. It was gross.

There was a pause where they smiled at each other for a ridiculous amount of time. It was like watching a train wreck. I couldn’t look away.

“Listen,” mum went on. “You wouldn't be interested in joining me for dinner would you?”

Oh, god, mum. Please stop hitting on him.

“I wouldn't want to intrude.”

Good. Go inside your house then.

“Oh, you wouldn't be. I mean, I had planned to meet a friend for a drink, but I can easily reschedule.”

He smiled. For an old guy, he was almost as handsome as Shea was beautiful.

“As long as you’re sure.”

My eyes rolled and I stepped away from the door, heading to the back of the house where I couldn’t hear them anymore. It was bad enough that she was sleeping with every guy she met in the city, now she was bringing it to our front door. Didn’t she care how her behaviour affected her daughter? I was the one copping the stares for buying condoms so she didn’t end up with some disease. I was the one going into the city to find her car when she was too smashed to bring it back on her own. I was the one holding her hair back as she puked, and I was the one making sure she was still breathing whenever she passed out. My mother was a mess. And her mess spilled onto me and seemed to cover everything as if it was The Blob in real life. I couldn’t wait to get away. I couldn’t wait to leave. I hated this life, and if I was honest, I spent a lot of time hating and resenting her for abandoning me the same way dad had. The difference being that he said goodbye and left, whereas she just stopped being my mum right in front of me. Some days I struggled to work out which one hurt more.

Opening the pantry, I dug out the bottle of Jack I kept hidden in the back and unscrewed the metal lid, drinking straight from the neck in great burning gulps. Then, shoving it back behind the cereal, I closed the pantry and rested my head against the cool white surface of the door as I waited in the quiet of the house while the alcohol entered my bloodstream in calming waves.

One more summer. A few more months. Then I’d be out.

***

“You look smoking hot tonight.” Shea stood in my doorway taking in my fitted dark jeans and the oversized zodiac print tank top I was wearing. It had a racer back and wasn’t sexy at all. It was cool and casual. I had purposely dressed down so I didn’t look as though I was trying too hard. I’d washed my hair and let it dry naturally before pinning up one side with a red clip, and of course I had my Chanel red lipstick on with dark eyeliner and heavy mascara. It was just how I rolled.

“That’s the second time you’ve said that lately. I know for a fact I don’t look hot at all,” I scoffed, my eyes grazing over her effortless boho goddess appearance. “You on the other hand...” She was wearing one of those cheesecloth dresses that had long flowing sleeves and some leathery plaited belt that cinched in the waist. You could see she had a bikini on underneath the thin fabric. Her long tan legs were bare and smooth, her hair was loose, and her face was once again make-up free. She seemed to be my exact opposite – light to dark – yin to yang. But somehow, we were getting along. I’d spoken to her daily since we met, and each time, our conversation never stalled. I liked hearing her worldly ideals and views on relationships and society. She thought it was all a strict regime pressed upon us by our government and religion. I guess that’s why I liked her – she didn’t care about fitting in, and she questioned everything.

She waved my compliment off and kissed my cheek before taking my hand and walking with me into the house. I’d found that she was a little handsy for my liking, although, now knowing that her father was European, the whole hugging and kissing and touching thing she was doing kind of made sense – it’s just what they did.

“Is your mum still here?” she asked, releasing my hand to slide onto one of the stools at the breakfast bar. I moved to the refrigerator and pulled out cans of drink.

“She left a couple of hours ago.” I set a can of Coke in front of her. “Hey, you didn’t tell me your dad was French.”

“My dad?”

“Yeah. I saw him with my mum earlier. They got talking and they’ve gone out to dinner together.”

She paused, her can halfway to her mouth as I saw a look of dissatisfaction flit across her features. It was the first time I’d ever seen her serene expression falter, and it looked a lot like how I felt about the situation too – disappointed.

She took a sip of Coke and reset her expression before responding.

“Belgian.”

“Excuse me?”

She set her can on the white marble counter in front of her. “He’s not French, he’s Belgian.”

“Oh, sorry.” I felt bad for misinterpreting his accent.

“It’s fine.” She pressed her lips together in a forced smile, and I felt a twist in my stomach, worried I’d upset her. It was strange. I’d never cared if I upset the girls around here before – especially ones who showed such an interest in Zeke. But, for whatever reason friends became friends, I felt strangely comfortable around Shea. I actually wanted her to like me. I never wanted anyone to like me. I only ever cared about my friendship with Zeke.

“Listen, I'm not too crazy about them going out together either. But, if it’s any consolation, my mother is a total mess of a human being. There’s no way this is going to turn into anything more than a one night stand.”

She lifted her can again, taking a long sip before placing it down and twisting the pull-tab with one of her long fingernails. “He’s allowed to see whomever he chooses.”

I shrugged and looked at the can I’d gotten for myself and pulled the tab, opening it with a hiss. “That’s parents for you though. They have a habit of doing all the things they would go nuts at us for doing.”

Our heads turned as a new voice entered the room.

“Please tell me that isn’t straight Coke,” Zeke said as he walked into the kitchen after letting himself in. In his hand he held a bottle of Bundaberg Rum.

“It’s straight Coke,” I replied with a smile, handing him my can, which he then topped up with rum. He did the same for Shea while I got another can from the fridge and opened it for him, taking a long mouthful before handing it over.

“Thanks, doll,” he said, giving me a wink while he poured rum into his can. When he set the bottle on the bench, he held his can aloft to make a toast. “To the best summer we’ve ever had.”

We lifted our cans and tapped them together, their fullness giving off a muted clunking sound.

“Something tells me we’re going to spend a lot of this summer hungover.” Shea laughed as some of the sweetened black liquid spilled from her can and onto her hand. She licked it up, snaking out a pink tongue to remove any trace. Zeke seemed mesmerised before realising I was watching then cleared his throat.

“It’s the Aussie way,” Zeke reminded her. “If you’d spent more time in the country growing up, you’d know that.”

“I grew up in Australia,” Shea retorted. “I just haven’t been back since I was sixteen. My mother remarried, and my stepfather is an anthropologist. We moved from country to country with his research.”

“So that’s who I saw today, your stepdad?”

She met my eyes, and I felt a slight agitation within her gaze before she nodded. “My mum married young and things didn’t work out with my dad so they separated before I can remember. He’s in some country western band touring all the outback pubs. I get a birthday card, and a Christmas card, but that’s about as far as it goes.”

“What made you come back to Australia?” Zeke asked. At the same time, I wondered where her mother was if her stepdad was out with mine.

“My mother, actually. She died not long ago and since she grew up not far from here she wanted her ashes scattered off some point.” She flicked the pull-tab with a twang. “I don’t know exactly where it is yet. It just holds some sort of meaning for her.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Zeke said, the mood of the room suddenly very sombre. I joined him in offering condolences.

Shea let out her breath before taking a sharp inhale and plastering a broad smile on her face. “Don’t be. These things happen. It’s the cycle of life.”

Knowing now that her stepfather studied religion, culture and the human condition, all the comments she’d made about human behaviour made perfect sense. It was like she was an anthropologist in the making – an observer seeking understanding and acceptance of all that she saw. I supposed that was part of what made her so interesting.

“Don’t look so grim,” she said after a moment where neither Zeke nor I knew what to say. “I’m fine. But I can promise you, if you don’t start drinking those cans of yours, this Aussie hangover isn’t likely to happen. This is supposed to be the summer of your lives, and I’d kind of like it to be the summer of my life too. So let’s start doing that. We can make a pact – anything that makes us feel shitty doesn’t get talked about. We only focus on the fun stuff.”

Zeke shrugged then glanced at me. “Dawn?”

I thought about the million and one things I was angry about on a daily basis – Shea’s father out with my mother being the current top of that list – and I decided I could do with a break from caring.

“Sure.” I lifted my can. “Not only are we going to have the most epic summer, we’re also going to refuse to let our problems drag us down. Here’s to fun and nothing else.”

Zeke lifted his can. “To fun and nothing else.”

Shea lifted hers. “Here, here.”

We all looked at each other, our eyes shifting, the energy in the air moving between us as we held our drinks together and made the decision to let go. In that moment, it felt like we could do anything.

6

––––––––

Whispers.

I was used to them. And walking along the beach with my arm linked with Zeke, and Shea on his other arm, was no different. I heard the words of bored teenage minds that thought everything to do with men and women was about sex, and that every rumour was true.

So judgemental. So hypocritical.

I began to second-guess my choice to attend the bonfire and made a move to pull back. I could change course and go to The Palms, Luke wouldn’t mind. I could keep him company during his long shift. But, Zeke caught my hand and held on to me, his large warm hand reassuring as it enclosed around mine.

Somehow sensing my distress, Shea shifted position and slipped her arm into mine, making light conversation about how clear the night was. She was a welcome addition to my tiny friendship group as she pointed out the constellations she could see that matched the zodiac signs on my tank top. She showed me Scorpio, Sagittarius and Aquarius. “That one is supposed to be Pisces, but I struggle to see how it’s a fish. As far as I’m concerned, it resembles a sperm.”

I couldn’t help but giggle. I enjoyed her frankness and felt grateful for the distraction. “It could be a fish,” I told her, holding up my finger to connect the dots.

She leaned in close to follow my path. “Ahhh, but those two stars aren’t a part of it. It goes like this.” She traced with her finger then turned to look at me, her eyes dark but sparkling in the dim light of the bonfire in the distance. “Do you see?” Her rum sweetened breath washed over my face, and honestly, I didn’t mind. I simply smiled and nodded.

“Yeah. I see,” I whispered in return, my head buzzing from the alcohol we’d already ingested.

She tightened her arm around mine, and for a moment, we continued to smile at each other, and it was nice. It felt as though we were the only people there, and all of the noise around us didn’t enter my ears.

“Zeke. I didn’t think you’d come.” Olivia interrupted our stargazing, bringing the world of eighteen-year-olds, bad guitar playing, alcohol and bonfires to full life around us.

“I said I would,” Zeke responded.

She stopped in front of him, looking up as he ran his hand through his hair, pushing the long strands back from his face, revealing those liquid black eyes of his that seemed to contain the universe in the right light. I watched Olivia react with an interested smile as she reached out and took him by the hand.

“I’d like to show you something,” she said. “Your friends will be fine without you for a moment.” She didn’t even look at us as she said it, and Shea and I looked at each other with our eyebrows raised.

“Go on, Zeke.” I couldn’t stop the laughter coming out in my voice. “She wants to show you something.”

Shea giggled. “You’d better go see what it is, Zeke. It sounds very important.”

Giving us a look that said he thought we were being childish, Zeke still chuckled along with us as he allowed Olivia to pull him away.

“We’ll be fine here!” Shea called after him, earning us a broad smile before he turned away. “Do you think she wants to show him her vagina?”

“Fuck off,” Olivia shot back at us, and I almost choked on my laughter.

Shea opened her eyes comically wide then took me by the hand. “Let’s go and meet some toads.”

***

“I'm surprised.”

“Surprised?” One of the Wannabes stood not far from me, letting the incoming tide creep up our legs. Dan was his name. I knew him from Hargrave High, same as everyone else. He knew me too, same as everyone else. And, just like everyone else, he'd never had any time for me. But he was drunk. And I was drunk. And we were alone.

“Yeah. You’re actually kind of fun.”

A laugh bubbled out of my throat, its edges laced with sarcasm. “Kind of fun,” I repeated, kicking my bare feet in the water as it rushed between my toes, foam spinning, ripples reflecting the moon. The sky was so bright.

“I mean it in a good way.”

I tipped a bottle of beer back, the liquid now warm as I swallowed it down, adding another layer to my intoxication. I looked up at the sky, the stars streaking and joining from my depressed vision as I heard the chatter and the laughter behind me while wondering what made me so ‘fun’. I hadn’t done anything particularly amusing. Most of my night had been spent drinking with Shea and laughing at her dancing to bad guitar music as if she was in a nightclub. I’d laughed at her until my sides hurt. But, it stopped being so funny when a couple of guys joined her, their hands roaming her body while she let them. She didn’t even know them and she actually let them touch her. Things got a little more intense when she turned to the one behind her and starting kissing him with her fingers twisted in his hair. The guy in front joined in, his lips on her neck, his hands on her waist. She shifted between them, and I wondered what the hell she was thinking. She didn’t even know them.

Swipe left. Netflix and Chill... Bonfires and fucking. I guess that’s just how it was. I seemed to be the only one who didn’t think it was cool.

I’d turned my attention to searching the gathering for Zeke. He’d been gone a long time, and sitting there, trying not to pay too much attention to the display going on in front of me, I began to feel strange about what he could be doing. The thought of him doing anything even remotely sexual with Olivia literally turned my stomach.

‘Come and dance with us, Dawn.’ I’d looked up at the sound of my name. Shea was beckoning me over as the guys continued to kiss her wherever she allowed.

That’s when I shook my head, picked up my half empty bottle of beer then headed toward the water, my eyes on the moon as it cast a long streak of pale yellow over the calm ocean.

“Do you maybe want to go for a walk?” Dan asked, moving closer to me.

I watched my feet, wiggled my toes, my feet sinking into the sand slowly.

“Not particularly. I’m fine right here.”

I wasn’t so drunk that I was going to go off and get groped in the dunes by ‘Dan the man’. No way. I turned around and looked again for Zeke, and saw Shea holding hands with the two guys and leading them up the beach. The sight made my chest twitch in this weird uncomfortable way.

“You know, I’ve heard the rumours about you.”

I turned my attention back to Dan. “Which ones. There seem to be quite a few out there.”

“The one about you doing...favours.”

“Favours?”

“Yeah. Favours.” He moved closer again, the distance between us small enough that I could hear his breathing and make out every word as he lowered his voice so no one else could hear. “I have money. And I’ve been thinking all night what a nice shade of lipstick that is. It will look real sweet around the shaft of my...”

My hand flew up and connected with the side of his face. “Shut your mouth.”

His face twisted in anger as he realised we’d attracted an audience.

“Is everything all right here?” It was Zeke’s voice. Thank god he was still there.

“This guy thinks I’m some kind of whore. He just offered me money to suck his dick.” Pulling my feet free from the sand, I shifted to stand near Zeke.

“Is that true?” he directed at Dan.

Dan shook his head, looking concerned as Zeke seemed to grow an extra foot in height in his anger. “She doesn’t know what she’s saying. She’s drunk. She heard wrong.”

Zeke’s arm shot out, and he grabbed Dan by the front of his t-shirt then growled in his face. “Don’t. Ever. Talk. About. Her. Like. That. Again.”

When Zeke released him, Dan stumbled backward, almost falling into the water.

“Let’s get out of here.” Zeke put his arm around my shoulders, and we began to walk back up the beach.

“You can’t blame me. Everyone knows she’s a slut.”

Within the blink of an eye, Zeke spun around, his fist clenched as it swung through the air and connected with Dan’s face. Dan went down, splashing in the water like the sack of shit he was.

But, it didn’t stop there. Zeke hauled him back up, his legs dangling as Zeke growled into his face. “Say it again, cunt.”

“Zeke!” I gasped, covering my mouth in shock. I’d never seen Zeke angry before, let alone raise his hand to anyone then insult them with the worst word in the human language. He sounded so...so vicious.

Immediately, Zeke released him, giving Dan a light shove before he turned around and stalked up the beach.

I ran behind him. “Zeke.”

My feet pushed through the sand, slipping and making it hard to catch up. His shoulders were tense, his fists still tightly clenched, and he didn’t look back. He didn’t pause. He just kept going.

“Zeke!” With my breath heaving, I lunged for him and grabbed his arm, finally catching up before he made it to the pathway that lead to the road. He stopped and turned to face me as I leant on my knees, trying to catch my breath. “Where are you going?”

“Home,” he stated, his voice flat and edged with annoyance.

I gestured to his feet. “You don’t even have your shoes.” I didn’t have my shoes either. They were back near where I’d been sitting with Shea before she went all dirty dancing threesome on me.

He looked down. Then all at once, the tension left his body and he sank to the sand, his long legs bent as he rested his elbows on his knees and looked down, his hair a dark veil over his chiselled face.

“We shouldn’t have come,” he said as I sat down next to him.

“Bonfires aren’t nearly as fun as they seemed from my bedroom window,” I added as I rested my head on his shoulder. He shifted and slid his arm around me, hugging me to his side.

“Or what they seem on TV.”

Chuckling slightly, I sat up, feeling his arm drop from my shoulders to the sand. “You certainly showed Dan.”

He glanced at me through his hair, his brow furrowed. “He shouldn’t have said what he did.”

“No,” I whispered, looking into his eyes, my heart beating like a hammer in my chest. I’d been alone with Zeke so many times before now, knowing how I felt about him, but never doing anything about it for fear of ruining our friendship. But, there was something different about this time. Perhaps it was because he’d just defended my honour. Perhaps it was because I’d witnessed a kiss-orgy earlier. Perhaps it was because I was jealous about the attention he’d given to Shea and then to Olivia. Perhaps it was just me trying to do something that scared me, and jumping, headfirst into the thing that scared me most. But, I couldn’t stop my eyes from going to his lips. I wanted to kiss him.

I wanted to kiss him desperately.

“Zeke.” I kept my voice soft as I reached up and swept his hair to the side, revealing his beautiful eyes that contained a whole range of emotion – anger, frustration, worry...interest? I leaned toward him. Closer. Closer.

His eyes dropped to my lips.

Closer.

A sharp intake of breath.

Closer.

I allowed my eyes to close and felt the softest brush of his lips on mine.

“Dawn. What are you doing?”

I pulled back, alarmed, my face suddenly feeling overwhelmingly flushed as I saw the wide confusion in his eyes.

“Oh god. I’m sorry. I’m...”

Quickly, I stood, backing away as I shook my head. I wanted to disappear, or at the very least rewind time. I’d just tried to kiss the guy I’d been in love with since I knew what the word meant. And he rejected me.

“Dawn.” He stood, his voice filled with something that sounded a lot like pity. Horrible, embarrassing pity. I didn’t want his pity. I didn’t want him feeling sorry for the awkward girl with the large eyes and big mouth. I didn’t want him feeling sorry for me because I wasn’t what he wanted. I didn’t look like the ideal. I didn’t look like Shea or Olivia, or even my mother. But I’d been OK with that. I’d been fine with it until that moment – the moment when I felt completely undesired by the one person I desired most.

I held my hand out, not wanting him to follow or say anything else. “Don’t. Please. Just...just blame it on the alcohol. Forget it ever happened.” Then I turned and I ran, somehow moving through the sand with a grace I hadn’t possessed earlier.

I ran. I ran and I cried, snot, slobber, heaving noises. It was terrible. When I stopped, I found myself in the car park of The Palms Hotel. I didn’t even realise that’s where I was headed. I stood at the edge of it, where the beach met the concrete, and I looked back expecting to see Zeke but seeing nothing but a dark grey beach and blackened sea. My breathing stuttered in my chest, and I brought my hands up to cover my eyes as I sobbed from my loneliness.

“Dawn?”

7

––––––––

“Dawn, what happened? Where are your shoes?” Luke moved across the asphalt toward me. “Are you hurt?”

I wiped at my cheeks and shook my head, feeling glad that I’d invested in waterproof makeup. “No. I’m just drunk and embarrassed.”

His concern grew as his green eyes searched me for any sort of damage. “Where’s Zeke and your new friend?”

I looked over my shoulder. “On the beach somewhere I guess.”

An expression flitted across his features that spoke of his displeasure.

“Oh, it’s not like that. He didn’t ditch me.”

He studied me for a moment, and I had a feeling he didn’t believe me. “Do you need me to take you home?” he asked, lifting his hand to brush a loose strand of hair away from my eyes.

I nodded then sniffled. “Yes, please.”

“Wait here, I’ll get the car so you don’t have to walk over the gravel. There might be glass.” His voice was soft as if I was some sort of wounded bird that he needed to be careful with. And as I watched him walk to his car, I took a deep breath to calm myself down. Trying to kiss Zeke wasn’t the end of the world, right? It was just...

My breathing stuttered as my emotions caught, and I realised it was just the end of a dream, a dream where we left Hargrave Cove together and while navigating our path away from all we knew, he’d finally see that he was in love with me. Zeke would finally see me. And he’d think I was beautiful because he knew my soul...

I felt so stupid.

Luke’s car pulled to a stop and idled beside me, and before I reached out, I took one last look over my shoulder. There was a figure there, shrouded in the dark. My breath caught. I knew it had to be Zeke, and I waited for a few beats to see if he’d come closer. But he didn’t. He stayed back then disappeared. So I got in the car, disappointed all over again.

I’d ruined everything.

“You sure you’re OK?” Luke asked as I slid into the seat beside him.

“I’m fine. Honestly,” I assured him, raising my hand to close the open sun visor that was unnecessary in the night sky. Although my hand stalled as I caught my reflection in the mirror. No wonder Luke had looked so worried about me. My dark eye makeup was streaked down my face and smudged around my eyes, and my lipstick had somehow managed to smear to the side as well. I looked like I attempted to make myself up like Pierrot the clown and failed miserably, using watercolour instead of face paint. “Holy shit. It was supposed to be waterproof.”

Luke pulled out of The Palms parking lot and glanced at me briefly as I tried to rub all the evidence of my tears off my face. I could feel the worry emanating off his body.

“There’s a backpack behind your seat. There are some Wet Ones inside it.”

Thanking him, I reached back and dislodged a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bag from the car floor and pulled it onto my lap. Inside it was a spare change of kids clothes, some colouring books and crayons, action figures, and picture books, along with the wipes. It made me smile. Luke was obviously a very good dad. He’d thought of everything.

While we drove along the darkened street, Luke kept looking at me as I cleaned up the mess off my face.

“Stop worrying, Luke. I’m fine, I swear. I was just stupid.”

“Don’t call yourself that, Dawn. You’re the smartest girl I’ve ever known, and whatever happened doesn’t make you stupid. It just makes you human. None of us are perfect. Even the ones who seem to be.”

He glanced at me for a moment and my breath caught. I had to force myself to look away by closing my eyes. The moment I did, the memory of Zeke's horrified expression flashed through my mind, and my eyes pricked again. I looked out the car window to try and hide my distress from Luke. I was so incredibly embarrassed.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“What good is it going to do?” I wiped the moist cloth over my face one last time then scrunched it up in my hand before returning the backpack to where it belonged.

“A problem shared is a problem halved and all that.” Luke shrugged and gave me a half smile.

I twisted the used cloth between my fingers, chewing the inside of my lip as I thought about whether I wanted to share my embarrassment with anyone just yet.

“I’m a bartender, Dawn. People tell me their problems all the time. So I guess that also makes me a pretty good listener.”

I took a deep breath and looked up at him. I knew I could trust him. I knew that no matter what I told him, he’d somehow make it all right. That was what Luke did. “I tried to kiss Zeke,” I admitted in a rush. For a split second Luke’s body tensed, and just as quickly relaxed.

“Tried?”

I shook my head, looking out the window and trying to swallow the lump that was forming in my throat. “He freaked out. I ran. Then I saw you. That’s the whole story.”

He was quiet for a while, and I wondered what he was thinking. Did he think I was being childish? Did he think it was a stupid thing to do too? Did he hate Zeke even more now?

Perhaps it was actually a bad idea to tell Luke. Perhaps I should have just kept my mouth shut.

“It was my fault. I knew he just saw me as a friend. But, we were drinking and...and I don’t know what came over me. Like I said, it was stupid. I’m just embarrassed.”

He reached over and took my hand, giving it a squeeze. “I’m sorry, Dawn. Anyone with two eyes in their head can see how much you like him. It’s his loss if he doesn’t view you the same way.”

I pressed my lips together in a sad smile. Everyone could tell I liked Zeke. Did they all think I was a walking joke? Where they laughing at me for wanting a boy who was so completely out of my league? I felt even worse. “A bit pathetic, don't you think?”

“No. Not pathetic at all. I don’t know why you put yourself down, Dawn. You’re smart, you’re beautiful, you’re funny... You’ve got everything going for you. I know it feels like a huge deal right now, but in the grand scheme of things, this is just a blip on the radar.”

I didn’t know what to say in return. My mind was swirling with alcohol and regret, and it was hard to see past all that even when someone was saying all the right things.

“And I can’t believe I’m saying this, because you know I don’t think Zeke is good enough for you, but maybe he wasn’t horrified – maybe he was just surprised. Talk to him. Either way, you’ve been friends for too long to let a drunken attempt at a kiss to change things.”

“I guess...” I mumbled, returning my attention to twisting the corners of the wipe in my hands.

He pulled up in front of my house. “Sleep on it. Things will seem better in the morning.”

“Promise?”

He grinned. “Yeah, I promise.”

Pulling the handle, I got out of the car and thanked him for the lift home.

“Hey, Dawn?”

I turned and leaned down so I could look at him.

“I watched that movie you suggested.”

Despite the overwhelming self-pity I was feeling after that night's events, a smile broke across my features. “Cat People?”

A chuckle rumbled out of his chest. It was soft and rippled through the air softly. “Yeah. Was it supposed to be funny?”

“Back in 1942 when it was made, it was supposed to be scary, but these days, yeah, it should be funny. That’s what makes them so great.”

He nodded. “In that case, I loved it.”

My smile broadened. “What was your favourite part?”

He thought for a moment. “That pool scene. The one where she’s in the water screaming, and there’s nothing around her but a few cat sounds.”

“Then her robe is all shredded when the lights come on,” I added.

“Yeah, and the receptionist is all ‘Gee whiz!’ about it.”

We laughed together but quickly fell quiet as our eyes met then held for a moment too long. I was the first to look away. “I’m glad you watched it, Luke.”

“Me too. But, do me a favour?”

“Sure.”

“Watch The Lost Boys with Kiefer Sutherland. I think you’ll like it.”

“OK, only if you watch Night of the Living Dead.”

He grinned. “It’s a deal. Sleep well, Dawn.”

“You too.” With a smile on my face, I shut the car door and walked up the path to my house, giving Luke one last wave as I went through the front door and he drove off.

Somehow, without even trying, Luke had managed to make me feel about a thousand times lighter. And all he’d done was be a nice person – a friend. Admittedly, it was odd that at eighteen I felt closer to a thirty-five year old man than I did to almost every other person my age. But, there was just something about Luke. I could talk to him about absolutely anything, and whether he knew about the topic or not, he still showed an interest and never once made me feel as though I was a naïve little girl. He treated me like an adult – an equal.

I thought for a moment of Shea’s comment about age not mattering and realised that perhaps it didn’t. I’d had an easy friendship with our previous next door neighbour even though she was in her seventies, and I had an easy friendship with Luke even though he was almost twice my age. Perhaps I was just an old soul in a young person’s body, and that was why I struggled with my own peers? It would make sense and explain away so many of my struggles.

Regardless of the reason, I realised that my friendship with Luke would probably be the only thing I would miss about Hargrave Cove when I left, and the thought of not seeing him anymore weighed heavy in my chest. I didn’t want to say goodbye to him.

8

––––––––

I awoke to the sound of angry voices.

For a few seconds, I wasn't sure if it was a dream, or if it was happening in reality.

The room was still dark, but I could tell that we were getting close to morning. When I checked the time, I saw it was 5:17am.

More yelling. The words carried clearly in the crisp morning air. “What’s good enough for you should be good enough for me!”

The voice was female. I was fairly sure it belonged to Shea.

Curious, I got out of bed, moving to the window in the dark, careful to keep out of sight as I looked across the short space between our houses and into her bedroom window.

Due to the angle of my window to hers, I couldn’t see more than sets of legs. Hers and a set of male legs wearing the same pants I’d seen on her stepfather when he was talking to my mother, which meant she was probably home too. I was about to go and check on her when they stepped a little closer, and he accused her of making a spectacle of herself.

“What do you think those boys are going to do?” he demanded, his heavily accented voice making his words sound harsher. “You think they’ll keep that to themselves? Every one in town will be talking about you by lunch time.”

“I don’t care what people think, Noa. Why are you allowed to fuck whomever you want, whichever way you want, but I have to be discreet?”

He stepped toward her. She stepped back. I could see him leering at her, close to her face. I held my breath, afraid that he was going to hit her.

“Because you are a woman, and I am a man,” he growled.

“Pig!” She slapped him. Hard. The clap of her hand on his skin echoed through the air, causing me to flinch at the sound.

I had to cover my mouth to hide my gasp. It was likely they wouldn’t have heard me, but still, I was watching something I shouldn’t have.

“You hit like a girl.”

“Arsehole!” She lifted her hand again, but he caught it mid-air and manipulated it so it was twisted behind her back. She struggled against his grip, and I struggled with what to do. I was afraid it was going to turn into something more. But exactly what that was, I wasn't sure. My answer came moments later when suddenly he released her. Then he kissed her.

Hard.

Crazy hard.

My eyes went wide and my mouth fell open.

She responded with equal intensity and wrapped her arms around his neck then jumped so her legs wrapped around his waist. Next thing, he was walking them toward her bed and their clothes were coming off.

What the actual fuck?

I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. It was like the plot of some awful step-related erotica. That shit just didn’t happen. It shouldn’t happen. She was seriously about to have sex with her step-father. Was that even legal? And why the hell was I still watching?

He had her naked and on the bed. He was on top of her and moving down her body. Kissing her breasts, his fingers, digging into her skin as he continued down, down.

I could see her nakedness. I was fairly sure that I knew what he was about to do. I didn’t have any experience in the bedroom, but I knew enough to know I should have moved away. I should have stopped looking. But I couldn’t. I was frozen. I was uncomfortable, and shamefully, I was aroused.

Her moans were soft as he positioned his head between her open legs, and the look on her face was this mix of pain and pleasure that had my breathing quicken and my insides tightening as I got caught up in what they were doing.

I didn’t realise I’d moved closer to the window.

The scene was...erotic, to say the least. She screamed out the way they do when they climax in movies. Her back arched. Her thighs closing. Her mouth open as she held onto his head. Her fingers pulling at his hair.

Writhing. Writhing. I kept watching. Squirming. Squirming.

When he pulled back, she stilled and smiled lazily, opening her eyes as he stood and removed his pants. Then all of a sudden, the smile fell from her face when her eyes found mine. It was gone for a mere beat then returned as if she was happy to see me there. My heart leapt into my throat, and I leapt back from the window, my hands going to my head as I died from embarrassment all over again. What the hell was I thinking? What the hell was I doing?

I rushed out of my room, setting my mind to do exactly what I should have done in the first place – check on my mum. I was supposed to be making sure she got home all right, not standing at my window playing peeping tom. What the hell was wrong with me?

***

My mother’s room smelled like a brewery, but she was sleeping soundly and breathing steadily. To be safe, I placed a bucket next to her bed along with some aspirin with a glass of water for when she woke up then closed her bedroom door and pulled on a pair of black shorts and a cream coloured fitted Tee that had a vintage car logo on the front of it. I shoved my feet into a pair of Iron Fist skull print flats then set off for a walk along the beach to find the shoes I had on last night. I didn’t bother doing anything more than pull my hair in a ponytail, and I forewent makeup entirely. It was barely six in the morning. I wasn’t expecting to run into anyone I cared about. Most of them would still be sleeping off the night before, which was what I would have preferred as well. But, there was no way I was going to be able to go back sleep after witnessing that. Even being in my room to get changed made me feel strange. I was worried there was still something going on outside my window, and I didn’t know how I felt about all that besides weird and wrong. It twisted my stomach with confusion and made my head ache.

To get to the beach, I had to walk past Shea’s house, and I walked as quickly as I could without running, my eyes straight and my head down until I got to the small rock face that led to the sand below. It wasn’t difficult, but my shoe choice didn’t really help, so I took them off and held them in my fingers, hopping over the sandstone rocks then jumping down onto the soft sand.

The moment I got onto the open beach, the wind began to whip at my hair, and I looked out to see a few early morning surfers catching waves in the cove. It was unusual for that to happen. Most days they had to surf out on the point, but a couple of times a month the wind blew straight through and created the perfect breaks.

When I was a kid, my father used to take me surfing. It was something thing we always did together. Something that was just for us. I’d loved it. But, I hadn’t touched a board since I was twelve, and he’d brought me down to the beach to surf and announced he’d be moving out because he’d fallen in love with another woman.

‘Can’t you fall in love with mum again and stay?’ I’d asked, trying to hold back tears as I kept my head down and rubbed wax on my board. I’d known something was going on. Even at twelve I’d noticed how sad my mother had become. I’d noticed that he wasn’t home for dinner anymore, and how they didn’t share any of those loving moments I used to watch so eagerly. Even though in my heart I knew, actually hearing him tell me it was over was a finality I didn’t want to face.

‘Love doesn’t quite work that way, Dawn.’

I’d looked up at him, at his handsome face and soft grey eyes, and I’d frowned. ‘That should be how it works, dad. You’re married. It’s supposed to be forever.’

He’d pressed his lips together and given me a pitiful look that said he thought I was just misunderstanding because I was a child. ‘Forever is an awfully long time. You’ll understand when you grow up.’ The thing was, I understood then, just like I understood now – I was never going to see him again. He’d chosen to let us go, he’d chosen to ruin our family, he’d chosen to walk away from his wife, and from his daughter. And I don’t think he regretted it for a moment.

After that day, surfing kind of lost its lustre for me. And as my anger toward my father compounded, my board continued to collect dust on the wall of my garage. I missed it though...

Up ahead, I could see the darkened patch of charcoaled wood that marked the place of the fire from the night before. And as I got closer, I could smell the charred ash mixed with salt and seaweed. There were a few empty bottles wedged in the sand along with random pieces of rubbish that didn’t belong in the soft white ground. But, I couldn’t see my shoes. It was a shame, because they’d been a favourite pair of mine – another pair flats that had little bats embroidered all over them. Super cute.

Letting out a sigh, I sat down on the sand and looked out at the water, allowing myself a quiet moment to really appreciate the beauty of this place they called paradise. Even though I was desperate to get away from Hargrave Cove, I wasn’t blind to its splendour. I could see it. I could see it all around me. The sky was painted with a master’s brush, all pink, peach and purple with just a smoky streak of clouds above the horizon. The water was a dark blue with perfect white peaks on each breaking wave. They were dotted with men and women in black wetsuits with colourful streaks up the side, riding on white boards. In the sky, seabirds played in the air currents. The air was fresh and cool in my lungs, the wind soft in my hair.

I could see the beauty. It was there. When I was alone with nothing but the thoughts in my head, I could definitely see it. I just struggled to feel it on a day-to-day basis. Perhaps it was the people. Perhaps it was just me. Perhaps, in my desire to get out of there, I’d forgotten to look around and feel the breeze on my skin and enjoy the simplicity of this seaside existence I struggled to be a part of.

Sighing again, I laid back in the sand, my arms outstretched as I looked up at the early morning sky. I slid my fingers through the cool surface of the sand, finding the warmth from the day before below. Above me, wisps of clouds floated past as the ocean filled my ears with its dull roar. I closed my eyes, trying to push out every thought I had by just focusing on the sound of the waves crashing on the beach.

I had so much I didn’t want to think about. My mother. My lack of a father. My almost kiss with my best friend. My new friend who seemed to be the opposite of me in every way. And my newfound voyeurism...

I groaned and rolled over in the sand, my cheek resting on my forearms as my stomach twisted again. I felt so...icky from standing there and watching what went on between Shea and her stepfather. And even worse that she caught me. “Oh god.” I rolled over again, my forearm now over my eyes as I lifted my head the dropped it back on the sand several times, wishing I could forget all of my stupidity over the last twenty-four hours.

“Trying to knock some sense into yourself?”

Lifting my arm, I needed a moment for my eyes to adjust before I could see Luke clearly. He was spearing his surfboard into the sand before he reached behind him and pulled down the zip of his wetsuit, working the tight fabric off his arms before pushing it down to his waist, revealing a very tan, very firm upper body. My mouth went dry.

Luke the bartender was ripped.

Sitting up, I forced myself to look away as he ran his hand over his hair then down his arms, flicking the excess water off onto the sand so he wouldn’t drip on me when he sat down beside me and undid the strap around his ankle that was attached to the leash on his board.

“Surprised to see you up this early,” he said as he wound up the cord.

“Couldn’t sleep,” I responded. “Thought I’d come and see if I could find my shoes.”

“Any luck?”

I shook my head. “They’re in the wind.”

“Easy come. Easy go.”

“What about you? Why did you come surfing so early when you had a late night?”

He shrugged. “Best time to catch a wave.” He took a handful of sand and held his other hand cupped underneath it, allowing the sand to slowly drain into his palm like an hourglass.

“Yeah, but don’t you need to sleep? You’ve got a kid to take care of, right?”

He looked at me with his soft green eyes that held a lifetime’s worth of worry and pain from grief. “I don’t really sleep much. A couple of hours and I’m sweet. Besides, who could miss this?” He nodded toward the horizon where the sun had climbed just high enough that it was a full orb above the water, casting a massive yellow glow across the ocean, making it shimmer like it was full of gold.

For a while, we sat quietly, watching it continue it’s slow climb into sky to signal the world that it was time to wake up.

“I’m never awake at this time anymore. I haven’t seen this in years.”

He clapped his hands together, dusting off the sand. “You should do it more often. Seeing the sun come up puts a lot of stuff into perspective.”

“Like what?”

“Like, no matter what happened the day before, the world keeps turning, and the sun keeps rising. Over and over again.” He stood to his full six feet of height and took a hold of his board. “I could even teach you to surf if you’d like. I reckon you’d really like it.”

“I already know how to surf,” I replied with a half smile.

His eyebrows lifted, and he pressed his full lips together. “You don’t say? I’ve got to admit. I didn’t think you were the type.”

I shrugged. “Well, I didn’t think you’d be the type to have six-pack abs, but there they are, clearly defined for all to see.” I gestured with my hand toward his stomach, causing him to chuckle. I blushed a little, stunned that I’d blurted it out like that. But, I was so surprised to see the definition of the body he’d been hiding under his work shirts that the words just came tumbling out of my mouth. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that.” I laughed uneasily.

He shrugged and laughed a little with me. “No worries, Dawn. It was nice to see you during your namesake,” he said, running his hand through his damp sun lightened brown hair.

“My what? Oh, the dawn – I’m Dawn. I get it. Funny.”

He grinned. “Hope you locate your shoes. I’ll see you around.”

Waving him off, I watched him run up the beach, his muscles rippling as he carried his board under his bronzed arm. How did I miss the fact that Luke had a body like that? I mean, I knew he was fit and all, but I certainly wasn’t expecting that to be going on.

Before he got out of sight, he turned back and gave me one last wave. I smiled and returned the sentiment then turned my attention back to the surf, sitting quietly until the pretty colours left the sky, turning into that light blue that would signal another hot day.

9

––––––––

After the beach, I detoured past the Hargrave Cove bakery and picked up a box of my favourite raspberry and white chocolate muffins and proceeded to ravenously eat one as I meandered home.

Luke was right. No matter what happened the day before, the world kept turning and the sun kept shining. I’d get through this. I’d talk to Zeke. I’d apologise and tell him it was a drunken mistake. And I’d talk to Shea as well. I’d swallow my pride and tell her it was wrong of me to watch what I watched the way I did. I could tell them both that the pact we made the day before wasn’t for me, and that I was content to spend the rest of the summer holed up in my room watching bad horror films and researching university courses, while spending my father's money on random online purchases.

Everything would be back to normal by the end of the day. I could fix it all.

As I turned into my street, I could see a dark figure that was undeniably Zeke, sitting on the front step of my house, a white box sitting on his lap that looked just like the one I was holding in my hands – no wonder Lauren, the bakery assistant, had giggled when I’d ordered. Zeke had already been there.

“Great minds think alike,” I said lifting the box slightly as I walked up the path and stopped in front of him.

“A peace offering,” he replied as he stood to greet me. He looked nervous, and fidgeted, shifting his weight between his feet. “Dawn, I’m so, so sorry about the way I reacted last night. I...”

“Don’t, Zeke.” I cut him off and gave him a smile that I hoped would put him at ease and tell him that I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I was drunk. It didn’t mean anything. I promise.” I didn’t want to sit and analyse it. I didn't want him to come up with excuses or reasons as to why he didn’t see me like that. And I really didn’t want any sort of uncomfortable conversation. I just wanted to pretend it never happened and remain the friends we always were. I opened the front door, and he followed me to the kitchen, setting his box on the bench.

“It didn’t mean anything?”

I shook my head, laughing in this uneasy way that I tried really hard to make sound real. Being around Zeke after trying to kiss him was way harder than I thought it would be. Inside, I was still dying of embarrassment. But, on the outside I was trying to be as cool and calm as possible. “No, it didn’t. I guess it was all that ‘do something that scares you’ stuff we were talking about before we left. I let it get to my head, and Shea was making out with two guys at once, so I thought I’d try something crazy too. Is that dumb?” I pulled a face that was more of a wince as I turned on the kettle and set about making tea.

He picked up a muffin and peeled away the paper casing. “Nah, I get it. I guess I just...I don’t know, I don’t want things to get weird between us. I mean...it’s not like I haven’t thought about it. I...I mean you’re g...”

My heart leapt into my throat and immediately my hand shot up, to stop him from speaking. “Let’s just stop there. We don’t need to do this.”

His mouth was flapping like a goldfish in his discomfort, and I needed him to know it was OK. I got it – he wasn’t into me like that. And for the sake of our friendship, I needed to make him think I didn’t like him that way either – even though I’d kind of been in love with him for, well, forever...

While I unwound the tea bags and dropped them into two mugs, I continued, “We were drinking. People were hooking up all over the place, and you’d just punched some guy out. I got caught up in all the hormones. I’m sorry, and I promise – I promise – that I’ll never do it again.”

Nodding, he separated the top of the muffin from the bottom and took a bite of the smallest part, chewing thoughtfully. “OK,” he said when he’d swallowed. “I won’t mention it again.”

Smiling, I ignored the pang in my gut as the kettle whistled. “Tea?”

***

Zeke stayed for a little more than an hour, and during that time I forced myself to talk casually and even asked how things went with Olivia the night before. He responded with a shake of his head, as he stirred his tea unnecessarily. “You know what Olivia is like,” he said, and I really hoped that didn’t mean what I thought it meant, because I did know what Olivia was like, and Olivia was a whore.

Without elaborating further, he changed the subject to talk about heading to the lookout later to check out the hang gliding school. “I thought it might be fun to learn before we go away for Uni. You want to come with?”

“Hang gliding? Since when did you want to learn hang gliding?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just something different – something that scares me a little. I never learned to surf, and honestly, I’m not interested in learning at this stage. But flying...” He grinned and ran his fingers through his hair, and the look in his eyes had me seriously swooning. He was just so damn beautiful. “Now, that would be cool.”

I found myself leaning forward on my elbows with my chin on my hands as I looked up in awe. “That does sound cool,” I admitted when he returned his eyes to me. My voice came out in this dreamy sounding way that had Zeke chuckling, and me feeling silly.

“So you should come then.”

I stood up and shook my head as I began to transfer all the leftover muffins into one box. “I think the whole epic summer pact isn’t really my thing. I’m just going to chill here and watch some movies.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Seriously? That's how you want to spend your last summer in Hargrave Cove?”

Shrugging, I glanced up from my muffin arranging. “Yeah. But, maybe Shea wants to go. You could ask her.” I had no idea why I kept pushing the issue of him hanging out with Shea. I suppose it was just that I could see that was where his interest lied. I said it, telling myself that’s what a best friend would do – they’d encourage their friends to pursue their desires, right?

His expression furrowed. “I thought you didn’t want things to be weird.”

Closing up the box, I transferred it to the pantry. “I don’t. How is this weird?”

“Because we do everything together.”

I turned to him and gave him a broad smile. “We do not. We do plenty of things without the other.”

He folded his arms across his chest. "Really? Name one."

Slipping my hand across the benchtop, I collected some crumbs in my palm as I faltered. “Sleeping?”

He responded with a laugh.

“Peeing?”

His laughter continued as I listed all of the basic things we did outside of each other’s presence.

Eventually he held up his hand. “OK, I get it. You don’t want to go.”

Leaning on the counter, I looked into his eyes, giving him a serious expression. “No. I don’t.” I don’t know if it was because I was uncomfortable over the almost kiss, or if I really just didn’t want to go, but it was probably the first time I flat out said no to being Zeke’s sidekick. I think I surprised him as much as I surprised myself; I could see it in his eyes.

“What we go up and get some information, will you at least consider it?”

I twisted my mouth in thought. “I kind of had my heart set on watching movies today.”

He nodded slowly, his eyes still on mine. “Want me to watch with you?”

I could tell he found my refusal to spend time with him a little off putting, and twenty-four hours ago, I would have jumped at his word. But, after all that had happened, I really needed some time to myself.

Besides, I was planning to watch The Lost Boys like Luke had suggested, and I really didn’t want to share that experience with Zeke; something about that felt unfair to Luke.

“Not this time. Go, test it out. If it’s super awesome I might get all jealous and decide to join in. But for today, spread your wings without me. We can’t do everything together forever, Zeke. It’s kind of a part of growing up.”

“Doesn’t mean we can’t try for as long as possible.”

Pressing my lips together in a small smile, I stood up and slid my hands into my back pockets. “Why don’t you drop by later and tell me how great it was. Maybe we can grab dinner at The Palms. I’m sure mum hasn’t bothered to shop for anything other than freezer meals again, and I’m kind of tired of Lean Cuisine.”

“OK. I get it. I’ll get out of your hair.” He stood up, and I felt relieved as I walked with him to the door. It was new for me to not want him around and I wondered what that meant for the strength of our friendship. As I said goodbye at the door, I found myself rubbing my foot over the anchor tattoo at my ankle, wondering if it’s fading was somehow symbolic.

“Dawn?” he said, just as he was stepping out the door, turning back to face me. I tilted my head in question then felt surprised when before he caught me in his arms, hugging me tightly against his chest. Something akin to guilt or loneliness washed over me as I breathed him in. He smelled of Omo washing detergent, baked goods, the sea, and Zeke – Zeke had his own special smell. He smelled of comfort. “Meet me at The Palms at eight?”

“Sure.” I smiled as he released me. “Have fun today. Oh, and Zeke? You didn’t happen to grab my shoes last night by any chance? I went looking for them on the beach this morning but they weren’t there.”

“I did look for them. But, they weren’t there when I went back either. Maybe Shea grabbed them for you?” Did that mean he’d gone back and spent more time with Shea after I’d left? Had he gone back for Olivia? My eyes narrowed slightly and I shook off the thoughts that threatened to cloud my mind, telling myself he just went back there for his shoes and mine then he probably went straight home like I did. “You should go and ask her.”

I knew I had to have a conversation with Shea, but the thought of talking to her made a bunch of butterflies take flight in my stomach. “Can you check for me? You’re going to ask her hang gliding aren’t you?”

His expression was hard to read as he looked at me thoughtfully.

“What?” I asked when he didn’t respond.

He shook his head. “It’s nothing. I’ll check for you, sure. See you soon, Dawn.”

“See you soon,” I said, closing the door as he stepped outside. The moment it clicked shut, I leaned up against it in the quiet, relieved that visit was over, while still kicking myself for getting so drunk I tried to kiss him.

Note to self – quit drinking or you’ll turn into your mother, throwing yourself at every guy who dares to smile at you. Quit drinking so you never lose control again.

10

––––––––

After Zeke left, I finished tidying the kitchen then headed upstairs to set up The Lost Boys to download on my iPad while I was in the shower. The cleansing water did wonders for both my physical and mental state, and I actually contemplated getting back into my pyjamas to spend all day in bed. But, when a knock sounded on the front door, I knew that option wasn’t really going to work out for me.

“Damn it,” I grumbled, dropping my towel and grabbing my robe so I could go to the door without seeming completely naked. Why did people always have to knock at the worst possible moment?

The knock sounded again as I made my way down the stairs. “Coming,” I called out, not worried about waking my mother, as she tended to sleep like the dead after a night out on the town.

Checking the sash was tied tightly around my waist, I opened the door a crack.

“I’m looking for Cinderella. She left both of her shoes at the ball this time.” Shea held up my missing ballet flats in one hand and pushed against the door with the other. I stepped back and let her through, and as always, she paused and kissed me on the cheek. But, she let it linger a little this time and something about her body language as she moved passed me had my heart thumping wildly in my chest, the calm I’d felt only moments ago dissipating as she turned around to face me.

“Well, aren’t you going to offer me a drink?”

I don’t know why I was so surprised to see her. After all, I had asked Zeke to enquire about my shoes, although I suppose I was expecting that she’d be at the lookout with Zeke.

“Didn’t Zeke ask you to go hang gliding?”

She grinned and answered as she placed my shoes on the tiles with their toes pointing up against the wall. “He did. But, as I’m sure you saw earlier, I was a little...busy this morning.”

My cheeks burned with a fiery heat that I felt sure would melt the skin right off my face.

“I...” I started, my mouth moving but struggling to form words. I didn’t know what to say. I’d thought I’d apologise and move on, but the reality of the conversation was way more uncomfortable than I’d told myself it would be. I mean, I saw her naked. I saw her...well...I saw her come...

Her smile broadened, and she got that feline look in her eyes that was somewhat predatory. “Did you enjoy what you saw?”

“I...” Breaking her gaze, I turned my head away, my stomach feeling sick and nervous and a whole bunch of other things that were too confusing to name. I tried to close my eyes to focus, but all I could see was the image of her and her stepfather – together – doing...things... A shudder rolled through me as my mind tried to reconcile what I saw.

A chuckle erupted out of her before she spoke again. Did she think this was a joke? “Relax, Dawn. I don’t mind that you watched. How about you just offer me a drink?” When I looked back at her, there was an upward tilt to the side of her mouth and a gleam in her eye that told me she was enjoying my discomfort. Suddenly, I wasn’t sure if Shea was a friend, foe, or something else entirely.

Swallowing hard, I nodded and went to the refrigerator. It was still morning so I reached out for the bottle of orange juice. I felt the cold air wash over me, and in my satin robe, I felt my nipples harden. A furtive glance confirmed they were embarrassingly obvious through the mauve fabric.

I was stuck where I was, needing to keep my back to her or turn around and have her see the protruding twin peaks. She’d laugh at me for sure.

Dear God, why on earth did you make us with nipples that do this?

Taking a hold of the juice, I took a step backward and placed the bottle on the counter, careful to keep my back to Shea.

“The uh...the glasses are there.” I pointed to show her the right cupboard. “I’ll just go up and get dressed. Help yourself to the juice. There’s a bakery box in the pantry.” I said it all in a rush then took off for the stairs, racing for the safety of my room, relieved when I was finally behind the closed door.

Quickly, I rummaged through drawers and dropped my robe, grabbing a pair of panties from the tangle of underwear and bras before I leaned forward to put them on.

“Holy shit!” I almost fell over. Shea had followed me in and was standing in the now open doorway, watching me.

With the grace of an albatross on land, I picked up my robe and wrapped it around my body like a sheet before standing upright and feeling incredibly indignant. “What the hell are you doing?”

She shrugged and closed the door before she took a few steps toward me. “You saw me naked. It’s only fair that I see you.”

I shook my head and stepped back, clutching the robe tighter around my body. “I didn’t...I didn’t mean to...I’m sorry.”

As I bumbled through my apology, her eyes slowly dragged over my body, and she moved around my room with catlike elegance, stopping at the window seat and looking down into her own bedroom. “How did it make you feel?” she asked after a moment.

I didn’t understand the question. “Excuse me?”

“Watching me like that – how did it make you feel?”

My head moved slightly in the negative. I didn’t know how to answer that. I didn’t want to answer that.

“Were you interested? Were you afraid? Were you...turned on?”

“It was...it was your stepfather.” It was the only part of the encounter I could actually voice. The rest of it felt too confusing for me to say.

She turned and faced me, her lips curving into a smile. “Yes. It was.”

“Is he? Are you?”

“Are we together? In love?” She shrugged. “I don’t know. But technically, he isn’t really my stepfather anymore – dead mother and all. It kind of voids the marriage.”

She moved toward me, with something predatory in her gait, it had me stepping backward and clutching the fabric around my body tighter.

“He promised to take care of me. But, our relationship is open. Noa doesn’t believe in monogamy. He didn’t when my mother was alive either. But, she didn’t mind. And I suppose I don’t mind either, I’m learning to share.” She stopped in front of me, and my breathing became sharp and shallow as her eyes dropped to my tightly curled hand. “Just as long as he doesn’t stop me from loving freely as well.”

Her eyes moved up to my face, slowly lifting until our gazes met. I was sure my eyes were wide and petrified, whereas hers were soft and sultry. I didn’t want to believe what was happening both in reality and with my body, and I stood frozen, barely breathing.

“I could do that for you, you know.”

I couldn’t speak and spoke only in a whisper. “Do what?”

She ran her fingers lightly around the edge of the fabric coating my breasts. “What you saw.” I swallowed hard and shook my head sharply as she placed her hand over mine. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting it, Dawn.”

All I could do was shake my head and stand there frozen. Why wasn’t I yelling at her to get out? Why wasn’t I telling her to stop?

Her fingers slipped beneath the edge of the fabric and ran along the curve of my breast, causing me to shudder and stare at her with wide eyes as my body reacted. She pulled at her lip with her teeth as she kept her eyes on mine and moved her hand so it ghosted gently over the hard peak of my nipple.

“Did you touch yourself while you watched me this morning?” she whispered, moving her hand down over my ribs. Her touch was so gentle that when it hit my stomach, I flinched back and gasped.

“No,” I managed, as her hand continued lower still, touching my thigh then moving up beneath the fabric.

“Do you ever touch yourself?”

Her hand cupped between my legs, and I didn’t know what to do. My insides were throbbing, and I knew I should have said stop, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t.

“Never.” It came out in a gasp as she slipped one finger between my folds and gently rubbed. My body quivered in a way I’d never felt before.

I wanted her to stop.

I wanted her to keep going.

“Never,” she repeated in a whisper. “I had a feeling.” She moved her finger back and forth, and I thought for a moment that she was going to enter me, but she didn’t, she stayed on the outside, focusing her attention on the small throbbing bump. Back and forth. Back and forth.

My breathing changed, and I began to lose focus, my legs shaking as if I was about to fall over. I even let out a slight moan as this warmth tingled all over my body, and I grabbed onto her for support.

I didn’t want her to stop.

“Let go,” she whispered in my ear, and I did. My body jerked as my centre seemed to explode and send ripples of pleasure coursing through my body as she continued to hold her hand between my legs. “That’s the way.” She brushed the hair back from my face, speaking to me gently as if she were my mother as small prickles of electricity seemed to run rampant through my body.

All at once, my senses seemed to return from me. I stepped back, holding my arm out to keep her away while the other still clutched at the robe. “What are you trying to do to me? I’m not a...I...” I had to blink rapidly to fight my tears. It all made no sense to me. This wasn’t what I was... I really had to fight to stop myself from getting hysterical. “I’m in love with Zeke. Not you.”

Smiling, she clasped her hands in front of her and looked at me as though she thought I was adorable. “I know that, Dawn. Consider what just happened a...an experiment; a bit of fun between friends. See it as me opening your mind.”

“I don’t want you to do that again,” I whispered, feeling so angry and hurt. I didn't understand why she did that to me. I didn't understand what it meant that I reacted the way I did. I didn’t understand...

Shea nodded, still smiling. “Very well, Dawn.”

“I think you should leave.” My eyes were burning. My lungs were aching. All over, I felt...wrong. That wasn’t how things were supposed to go.

Looking amused, she again nodded then began to walk out of my room. “Oh, and Dawn?”

“What?” I snapped, becoming agitated over this entire encounter. She had no right, and I was furious with myself for just standing there and...and letting her. I needed her to go.

“Your nipple is showing.”

With an embarrassed gasp, I pulled up my robe to properly cover my breasts, a tear snaking out of my eye. “Just get out,” I cried.

She laughed, and in that moment I never wanted to see her again. “I’ll see you through the window.”

Then she was gone. I burst into tears. I’d never felt more lonely.

11

––––––––

“I really think you should consider doing this with me,” Zeke said as he opened pamphlets about the hang gliding course he wanted to take and laid them out on the table between us.

Being a Saturday night, The Palms was packed and Luke had three extra staff members on to cope with the orders coming in from the bistro. A girl who was a couple of years above us at school brought out our three meat and sundried tomato pizza and set it on the table between us.

All the while, I was sitting there fidgeting, wondering if he’d somehow know what happened between Shea and me today. After she left, I did everything I could to put the event out of my mind, but it was all I could think about. I didn’t understand what it meant. I should have stayed home, being out in public and having Zeke – the person who knew me best in this world – sitting right across from me, I felt exposed. I felt as if everyone was looking at me differently.

Or maybe it was me looking at them...

I stared up at our server and she frowned. “Anything else?” she asked.

Did she know? Could she tell? Did I look different?

“We’re fine.” Zeke dismissed her and continued his pros and more pros list as to why hang gliding was a great choice.

The girl eyed me curiously as she took our table number, and feeling paranoid, I followed her with my eyes as she went back to the kitchen and said something to one of the other servers.

Were they talking about me?

I watched as she collected the order for another table and left the bar area without another glance at me. It was then that I caught Luke looking over from behind the bar where he was busily making drinks for the constant stream of patrons.

Nervously, I smiled at him, and he smiled in return. Something about that tiny interaction relaxed me. Perhaps I was being paranoid. Why would anyone know anything? I was being ridiculous.

“Are you listening?”

Folding my arms in front of me, I turned my attention back to the pamphlet as I pulled at the gold necklace that sat against my chest and moved the small gem back and forth, my fingers brushing lightly against my skin. “Of course I was listening, I just...”

Glancing up at me, his eyes dropped momentarily to what I was doing with my hands and widened. I stopped immediately and placed both hands on the glass table to still them.

“I really don’t want to learn hang gliding, Zeke. I’m sorry.”

Clearing his throat, he glanced at my necklace again then used his long finger to point at one of the pictures. He was talking about how amazing the view would be from up there, but honestly, all I could think about was what those long fingers would feel like if he were to touch me intimately with them. The way Shea had...

Would it feel the same? Better? Different?

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, Shea’s visit had awoken something inside me – a curiosity of sorts that meant my mind kept drifting to consider exactly what it would be like have actual sex. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and my body seemed to ache every time I did. To my shame, I’d touched myself as well. I needed to see if my body would do it again. It did. And just thinking about it made me blush. I didn’t know what it all meant. I was losing my mind. I was losing control.

“Are you all right?” Zeke asked, his brow creasing as he looked at me with those eyes. Oh god, I loved his eyes. I wanted him to touch me and pin me down with those eyes of his. I...

I inhaled sharply, forcing the images out of my mind. What the hell was going on? I was never like this. “What?”

“Fine. If it’s that boring, I’ll put this stuff away.” Zeke moved the pamphlets to the side, but I quickly clapped my hand over his to stop him. “No. I want to hear about it. Maybe...can’t we just do the tandem option or something?”

His eyes met mine, peeking through that long fringe of his with a hint of surprise in them. At first I thought it was because I’d actually agreed to compromise on this whole hang gliding thing, then I realised it was because I was still holding his hand, and I’d said ‘tandem’ – was that considered sexual?

I released him immediately, my cheeks heating all over again. I was seriously becoming the queen of embarrassment. This summer would be remembered as the summer I died from self-generated heat stroke. I needed to start thinking before I acted, before I spoke. I was normally more careful.

“Well, that was awkward.” I laughed it off and tried not to feel hurt when he pulled his hand from the table, taking the pamphlets with him and hiding them all in his lap. “How about another drink?” I suggested to change the subject.

“Sure,” he said, his voice squeaking slightly before he cleared his throat. “I’ll wait here though. Do you mind?” He adjusted the pamphlets on his lap again and looked away from me. While I winced inwardly, feeling as though I was fucking up yet another moment with Zeke by my constant fantasising over being more than just friends. I needed to stop.

Pressing my lips together in a smile, I stood then headed to the bar, standing near where Luke was working.

“What am I even doing?” I moaned, leaning on the bar and holding my head in my hands.

“Have you two sorted everything out?” he asked, his eyes glancing at me quickly as he continued to serve other customers.

I shrugged. “I think I’ve made him feel weird,” I admitted. “The consequence of drunken actions, I suppose.”

“Alcohol tends to make people very honest. It’s why I tend not to drink.” The side of his mouth curled up in a way that made the light laugh lines around his eyes crinkle adorably.

How is it that men got better looking as they aged?

“Seriously? You don’t drink at all? What secrets are you hiding in that head of yours that you’re afraid of letting out, Luke MacIntosh?”

He finished with the other patrons then went straight to serving me, making our usual order up. “You’d be surprised, Dawn Tucker. There’s quite a lot going on in this old head of mine.”

“You are so not old, Luke,” I said as I pulled a twenty out of my pocket and handed to him.

“Compared to you I am,” he responded as he entered the drinks into the register.

“Age is just a number.”

“Let me know if you believe that in another eighteen years.” He gave me that same lopsided smile as he dropped my change in my hand then set three drinks on the counter in front of me – a Jack and Coke, a Bundy Draught and a vodka orange.

I looked over my shoulder and saw that Shea was now sitting with Zeke laughing about something he said as she ate a slice of our pizza. My stomach started flipping flopping all over the place. Was she telling him what we did? Were they laughing at me? Oh god, I wasn’t ready to see her yet.

I turned back to Luke. “Listen, is it OK we get these taken over to the table. I kind of need to use the ladies.”

“Sure,” he said with a kind smile. Then he tapped the service bell behind the bar and yelled “Drinks up.”

I slipped around the side of the bar and into the ladies room, grateful that there wasn’t a line inside, and I could go straight into a cubicle. I didn't really need to go. I just needed some time to myself to think. Seeing Shea there had surprised me. After the whole awkward series of events that led to her, well...touching me the way she did, I kind of needed some time to get it straight in my head. That time would mean I wouldn’t allow her to convince me to do anything else I would consider stupid and regret later. I didn’t know what it was about her. She just seemed to get her way. Maybe she really was Mary Poppins and had a little magic in her, but instead of using it to bring families together, she used it to make virgins turn wanton.

Rolling my eyes, I laughed quietly at my own thoughts, knowing she was nothing of the sort. I was the problem. I was the one who was like a deer in headlights whenever she was around. She was like this bright light I couldn’t look away from, even though it was burning my retinas. She fascinated me in the way she interacted with people and everyone just seemed happy she was there. I saw it in the way Zeke looked at her, and I saw it in the way she’d interacted with the Wannabes and the Sunshine Barbies at the bonfire. Everyone just accepted her – they wanted her. I didn’t understand how someone could fit in so easily with people I’d struggled with all my life.

Perhaps I was jealous.

Perhaps I wanted to be her.

Perhaps I just wanted her.

I didn't know where my true motivation laid, but any of those thoughts were unsettling. I’d felt so sure of the person I was before she’d come to town, and since then, I kept questioning myself and seemed incapable of making my own decisions or standing my ground.

Flushing the toilet, even though I didn’t use it, I emerged from the stall and set about washing my hands, looking at myself in the small oval mirror. My makeup was perfect. My hair was set in waves that fit with my rockabilly styling, and my outfit was a fitted black top with a white Peter Pan collar paired with a set of denim capris and the black bat shoes that I’d thought I lost to the beach last night. I leaned toward the mirror and reapplied my lipstick, pressing my lips together as I clicked the cap back on and slipped the gold tube back in my pocket.

“Maybe you should just go home,” I said to my reflection when my feet refused to move. I obviously wasn’t ready to go back out there.

Quickly, I convinced myself that leaving was the best idea I’d had all day then opened the door with a view to dart straight for the exit door without being seen.

Unfortunately, my plan was foiled the moment I stepped out of the bathroom when Shea caught sight of me and loudly called out my name. With a broad smile she rushed across the room and took me by the hands. “Dance with me.” Her eyes were wide and sparkling as she spun about to the tune of Ben Howard’s In Dreams. The caramel coloured halter neck maxi dress she wore floated about her body as she laughed and grabbed my hands again. “Come on.”

“No, Shea. I really don’t want to,” I objected, but Shea just kept on smiling and placed her hands on my hips, making me sway from side to side with the rapid beat.

“Come on, Dawn. Lighten up and stop being so serious all the time. We’re just having fun.” She placed emphasis on her final words, and I took them to mean that was what she wanted from me – fun.

Taking my hands again, she pulled me back toward the table I’d been sharing with Zeke, while still dancing. I glanced at him, rolling my eyes during my awkward dance when he met mine with a laugh and a shake of his head. Shea lifted my hand above my head and spun me as the rapid plucking of guitar strings filled the air and some of the patrons began to clap as we danced and laughed.

I was laughing.

I was having fun.

I couldn’t help it.

Without even trying, I was back under her spell and having the time of my life, forgetting all about the fact that only a moment ago the solitude of my own home had seemed like the place to be. I’d been trying to get away, but she pulled me right back in. Like everyone in the room, I was under her influence, and when the song finished, the room applauded. She gave a curtsy, and I applauded her too, because really, it was her show. I was just being carried along like everyone else.

For fun.

As the next song started, the music dropped to its normal level. I turned toward the bar, seeing Luke adjusting the volume with the twist of a dial. He’d turned it up while we were dancing, and when I met his eyes, he winked at me and looked proud. Something about his reaction made me feel a little proud too.

Shea wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek in full view of everyone. “You were wonderful. Come. Sit.” She hooked her arm with mine and guided me back to the table so I was sitting beside her. “Who knew Dawn could dance like that.” She said it just as we sat down across from Zeke. I knew exactly what she was doing, and I shook my head with a laugh.

“No. I can’t dance at all,” I responded dismissively.

While at the same time, Zeke said, “I knew.”

I met his eyes and smiled. “That was all Shea. I just went along with it.”

“Well, I like seeing you happy. You should laugh like that more often.” His statement implied that I wasn’t often happy and very rarely laughed, and I wondered if that was how he saw me. Most of our time together had been spent planning for a future that was outside Hargrave Cove. We’d sat on the outskirts, watching all the popular kids be happy and carefree. All the while, we’d been mocking them, mocking this place, mocking this life. We’d spend our lifetime hating and waiting; even judging...

Was our friendship based on mutual misery?

“Zeke was telling me about his hang gliding aspirations. Are you going to learn as well?” Shea asked after a moment, her hand floating up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

I glanced at her, blushing from the attention, then reached across her and took a slice of lukewarm pizza. “It looks cool, but I don't think I want to learn how to do it myself.”

Shea let out a dreamy sounding sigh. “I think it would be wonderful – as if you were a seabird floating on the ocean breeze.”

“So why don't you go and learn with him then?” I suggested, thinking that Zeke had already mentioned it to her.

She picked up a pamphlet and looked at it more closely. “You know, I think maybe I might."

A smile broke across Zeke’s face. "Seriously?"

“Yeah,” she said, and they had this moment of excitement between the two of them before she thought to turn to me. “That is, if you don’t mind of course.”

“Why would I mind?” I couldn’t really say, No, don’t you dare spend time with him. It had been my idea after all. So I went with the most appropriate answer and hoped she was enough of a friend that she wouldn’t purposely cut my grass in her bid for free love – not that there was really any grass to cut, I knew that. But still, I didn’t want to think about Zeke doing those things I saw through the window with Shea. She could have anyone. She didn’t need to choose Zeke.

Chewing quietly on my pizza, I sat and listened to them talk excitedly about the hang gliding course. Shea touched Zeke more than she needed to, and at the same time, she slid her hand under the table and onto my thigh. She glanced at me, that same look in her eye that she’d had when she came to my house earlier in the day. Pulling away, I excused myself to get another round of drinks, although that time I really did leave the bar and go home.

When they came knocking on my door later, I pretended I wasn’t home, drowning out the sounds of their knocking and calling out with a set of noise cancelling headphones and a vampire movie.

Back in my own world, I felt so much better. Although, I did everything I could to avoid looking out my bedroom window. I had a terrible feeling about what I’d see. What if they were in her room? What if they were on her bed? What they were doing the things I didn't want to know about? It was better not to know. It was better to stay away.

I slept on the couch downstairs that night.

12

––––––––

“You know you’re eighteen right? You should be sleeping this early on a Sunday.”

“And you know you’re thirty-whatever-you-are right? Shouldn’t you be sleeping too?”

Luke chuckled. “I’m thirty-five.”

I knew that. I don’t know why I pretended I didn’t.

“Exactly. So, surely you have arthritis or something by now.”

“I thought you said I wasn’t old.” His green eyes twinkled with amusement.

A smile spread across my lips. “You’re not. But, you did say you’d teach me.”

“And you said you already knew how to surf.”

“I do. It’s just been a long time. I need someone to keep an eye out for me. Can you be that guy for me, Luke? Can you be my spotter? After all, I did watch a vampire movie for you.”

He grinned. “You watched it?”

It was almost six in the morning on Sunday, and Luke and I were standing out on the point where the surf was most commonly at its best. He’d already been in the water and was dripping wet as he stood in front of me. I was in my swimming costume, since I didn't have a wetsuit that fit me anymore, with my father’s old Billabong board under my arm, the leash strapped to my ankle, ready to go and give this surfing thing a try again. I’d been struggling to sleep last night and after catching only a couple of hours shut eye then waking up as if I’d slept for eight hours, I’d remembered Luke suggesting I surfed again, so I figured, why not? I wasn’t punishing my dad by not going out, I was punishing myself.

“Yeah, I watched it.”

“And?”

“And...it was kind of cool,” I admitted. “For a film in colour.”

He laughed, a rumble that seemed to come from his belly and bubble out of his throat. “You’re such a film snob.”

“I like the simplicity of black and white. I like the dialogue, and those over the top accents they used. But, I did like The Lost Boys. It was fun. I might even expand my repertoire a little.”

“Dude, if you want more 80s and 90s classics then I’m your guy. Those decades were my time. There’s a lot of great stuff from back then. And it was all before cinema became more about effects than about a good story.”

“Did you just call me ‘dude’?”

With a chuckle, he ran his hand through his salty wet hair. The early morning glow of the sky illuminated the highlights developed from a lifestyle of saltwater and sun. “I think I did. So, are we surfing, or what?”

“Yeah. We’re surfing. Let’s see if I remember how to do this.”

“It’s like riding a bike,” he said as he ran with me into the water. All the while, excitement bubbled low in my stomach and filled my chest.

It kind of felt like I was having fun...

***

“Daddy!” A small boy came barrelling into Luke as an older woman with wispy blonde and grey hair stumbled over the sand, calling after him.

“Sam!”

“Hey buddy,” Luke said with a smile, picking up the sandy haired boy and spinning him around in the air. The boy, Sam, wrapped an arm around Luke’s shoulders and looked over at me with a scrunched up face.

“Who’s that?” he asked as if I wasn’t even there to hear him.

With a grin, Luke answered. “Her name is Dawn. She’s one of daddy’s friends.”

“She’s real pretty.”

I totally blushed. A five-year-old paid me a compliment, and I blushed.

Luke chuckled. “Yeah, mate. She is. But she’s out of our league, I’m afraid. She’s heading off to the city in a couple of months to go to university and be somebody really important.”

I blushed even harder. He was just being nice, I knew that, but it was nice to have a man say those things, even if they weren’t true.

Sam’s eyes widened. “Really? Like someone on TV?”

“Maybe.” Luke set him down on the sand.

“It’s nice to meet you, Sam,” I said, holding my hand out to shake his tiny one. He placed his palm against mine and gave my arm a hard pump.

“Nice to meet you too, lady!” he shouted. Then he ran off toward the woman who I assumed was Luke’s mother who was keeping her distance by sitting a short way away in the sand.

Sam threw himself at her.

“He seems like he never runs out of energy.”

Luke reached up a hand and undid his wetsuit, pulling it down his arms and revealing that ripped torso that secretly may, or may not have been part of the reason I’d found myself drawn to this part of the beach so early in the morning.

God, he had a good body.

“No, he’s like the energizer bunny on crack,” he joked – but in a nice way. I could tell he loved his son very much, and I could also see the sadness in his eyes over the loss of his wife. It was all there, swirling about in the green and brown flecks that coloured his irises. I found myself wishing I’d known him before she died and wondered what he was like when they were together. Was he the same Luke he is now? Was he different? Did he grow up as an outsider like me, or did he fit in like the Wannabes? Did he have dreams of being something more than a bartender before? What were they? I found myself really wanting to know him - him, down past all the surface stuff that I already knew, beyond our mutual enjoyment of a good horror film. I wanted to know his joy, his sorrow, and even his secrets. I wanted to know him.

“He must keep you very busy.”

“He does. Mum’s great with him though. They’ve got an understanding, I guess – he behaves, she lets him choose what he wants to eat.”

I looked over at Sam who was lying against his grandmother and eating some sort of sandwich while he looked out to the surf.

“They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. So I guess it works.”

Luke laughed. “Yeah. I guess it does. Listen, I need to get going. But, today was fun. If I see you here again, I’m not going to hate it.”

I smiled, pulling at my bottom lip with my teeth to stop myself from laughing. “Oh, dude, that kind of burns. Was that a compliment or something else entirely?”

“Did you just call me ‘dude’?”

I couldn’t stop the laugh this time. “I think I did.”

“You did good today, Dawn.” His voice softened, as did his expression as his eyes swept over me.

I laughed. I’d wiped out about ten times. But, I was getting my legs back toward the end of it.

He began to walk away when I stopped him by calling out. “What do I watch next?”

Looking up at the sky, he thought for a moment, his thumb and his index finger on his chin. “Goonies.”

“OK.” I smiled, watching him walk over to his son and his mother. I saw him pick up Sam and hold him laughing in the air, and I saw his mother speaking to him, her eyes on me, disapproving. I wondered if she’d heard the rumours about me. I wondered if she believed them. Luke shook his head, whatever she was saying, he was telling her she was wrong. His faith in me lightened my heart as I picked up my board and towel then spent a moment surreptitiously watching him play with his son without further comment to his mother. Then I went home, and before I even thought about eating or going for a shower, I set up a new download.

***

Halfway through the Goonies, I almost wished I had a mobile phone so I could text Luke while I watched it. It was funny, I was on the edge of my seat, and the story was great. Heading downstairs with my iPad in hand, I hit pause and slid my headphones off my head, setting them both on the benchtop so I could get something to calm the growling that was nagging in my stomach.

As I reached for the handle on the fridge I stopped, noticing my mother sitting at the table staring out at the backyard pool with a lit cigarette balanced between her fingers and an untouched coffee sitting in front of her.

Her hair was a mess. She’d obviously gone to sleep with it still coiffed, and it was sticking out in bleached tufts while her makeup was nothing more than dark circles under her eyes and a faded stain on her lips. Her skin seemed a little sallow. I wondered who the lucky man had been last night and hoped it wasn’t Noa again, because the idea of them together totally creeped me out.

“You’re smoking in the house now?” I waved my hand in front of my face to advertise my disgust for her polluting the air inside.

She turned and blinked at me as if I’d just snapped her out of a daze. “What?”

I pointed at the offending item. “You’re smoking inside. Since when did that happen?”

Looking at her burning cigarette, she scowled and looked as though she didn’t realise it was even there. Frowning, I cocked my head to the side and studied her more closely. “Are you OK? Mum?”

She sucked in her breath as though I’d frightened her, even though she knew full well I was standing in front of her. Reaching out, I placed my hand on her forehead to check if she had a fever. But she felt fine.

“Maybe you should go back to bed,” I suggested, concerned that something had finally happened to her. As much as I hated the way she behaved, and wished that she’d return to the mother I’d known before my dad left, I still cared that she was OK. See her this way scared me.

Moving the cigarette to her mouth, she inhaled deeply as she shook her head and reached into the pocket of her robe. “He’s cutting us off,” she said through her exhale. Smoke billowed out of her mouth, coating the words in their ashen stench as she slid a folded envelope onto the table between us.

“You mean dad?” I picked up the envelope and slid out the letter, unfolding it and seeing that it was covered in a mess of creases, indicating she’d obviously scrunched it into a ball then smoothed it out again.

“You’re eighteen. Legally, he doesn’t have to pay anymore. We’re on our own.” She sucked back on the cigarette again then dropped it into her coffee, the smoking tip hissing as it hit the milky liquid.

I scanned the letter. It wasn’t even from my father. It was from his lawyer. It was written in a formal language outlining my father’s decision to cut off his financial support. “What about university?” I asked, knowing that if he didn’t help pay for my housing, fees and supplies then I wouldn’t be able to go.

“Doesn’t say.” A fat tear formed across her left eye and fell down her cheek. “I’m so sorry, petal. I never thought he’d do this.”

Clenching my teeth, I fought my own urge to cry and took a steadying breath. That money coming in was the very last link I had to my father, and in some messed up way I’d thought it meant he still cared. But I was wrong, so very wrong. It was simply an obligation. He didn’t care enough to stay. He didn’t care enough to visit. He didn’t even care enough to call. He’d walked away because he didn’t care at all.

“Well, we didn't think he’d take off with a girl half his age either. But it turns out he’s just a cunt.”

“Don’t talk about your father like that,” she snapped. But, I think it was more out of habit than a true reprimand, because the moment she said it she began to cry. “What am I saying? You’re right, he is a cunt.”

Stepping forward, I wrapped my arms around her, feeling so sorry for her in that moment. She’d given my father the best years of her life, and the moment things got hard he traded her in for a younger model. She felt robbed. She felt discarded. This letter was the final nail in her coffin, and mine too; he didn’t care that he was taking away my chance at a bright future, he didn’t care that he was ruining my carefully laid plans. He was just waiting for the right moment to be rid of us.

“I’m so sorry, mum,” I whispered, saying both to her and to myself as I held onto her, and she held me back.

“We can’t do this without him, Dawn. I’ll be forced to sell the house. I need talk to him. I need to get him to reconsider.” She pulled back and lightly touched my cheek with her well-manicured hand. “We’ll sort this out, petal, I promise.”

“OK,” I whispered, hugging her again while knowing there was no point. It was all so clear now. Just like that day on the beach, I understood that it was over, and there wasn’t anything we could do about it. We’d just gone from having everything provided for us to dirt poor in the matter of moments, and it was total utter bullshit.

13

––––––––

“Is Zeke in?”

Zeke’s mother answered the door when I’d knocked, and shook her head. “He said something about taking some lessons at the lookout. You might find him up there. I could call him for you if you like?” She knew I didn’t believe in mobile phones, but I knew calling him wouldn’t make a difference. If he was up at the lookout, he’d be doing his hang gliding training and would have his phone switched to silent.

“It’s OK. I’ll just talk to him later.” I pressed my lips together in a smile and began to step away.

“Is everything all right, Dawn?” she asked, her dark eyes glowing with concern. They were the same colour and shape as Zeke’s, and her hair was just as dark as well. He got his height from his father, as well as the rest of his physical features, but the eyes and hair were all his mother.

“Yeah,” I lied. “I’m just tired is all.”

“OK, I’ll let him know you stopped by.”

Thanking her, I left and returned home, heading up to my room and reading the letter from the lawyer over and over again. Each time, my anger and frustration grew to a new level. As if it wasn’t bad enough that he’d taken off all those years ago without a backward glance, now he was ending his financial support right when I needed it the most.

How the hell was I supposed to go to UTS now? The fees and books alone would cost more than a part time job could net me. He’d completely ruined my life – again. Part of me wished him dead. Part of me wished he’d never existed. Part of me wished I’d never existed. It was all becoming too hard, and I didn’t know what to do. The Dawn Tucker story was supposed to start in Hargrave Cove then pick up pace when I moved to the city and immersed myself in the world of art and culture, creating a name for myself in the film industry as a great visionary of my time. But I couldn’t see that happening anymore. Now that I was legally an adult, and my dad didn’t want anything more to do with me, my story was going to begin and end right were I was, in a town that never wanted me, in a place that never felt like home. Well, that was great. Thanks a fucking lot, dad. He just officially became a sperm donor in my mind. Arsehole.

I balled the letter up tightly in my hands and threw it in the waste paper basket beside my desk. Then I went over to the other window in my room, the one that looked down to our backyard where my mother was pacing up and down beside the lap pool we hadn’t used in years with the phone pressed against her ear as she yelled down the line. Her hand gestured wildly as she demanded to know what we were supposed to do.

“She’s you’re daughter, Kevin.” She reminded him of that fact over and over again. But I could tell by the increasing frustration in her voice that he wasn’t budging, we were seriously on our own. “Shit!” The phone call ended and she dropped the cordless in the pool, letting it sink to the bottom as she crossed one arm across her middle, put the other to her face, and covered her eyes. “Shit!”

Heading downstairs, I went to the sliding door and pushed it along its tracks, stepping out onto the warm concrete to comfort her. Now, more than ever we needed each other. Now, more than ever, I needed to make sure she didn’t spiral out of control. We’d never survive if her drinking got any worse. We’d never survive if her desperation got any worse either.

When my father left us, I’d cried for days. I’d begged my mum to try and get him to come back. I’d yelled and told her that love didn’t just end. I’d held so tight to the memory of their love – the quiet moments in the kitchen when I came home – and I’d sworn that that was the way it was supposed to be. I’d been angry at my mother for giving up. I’d been angry at my father for walking away. I’d felt betrayed, let down, lied to. But none of that was anything compared to the hot seething burning blackness in my gut that made me wish I was anyone’s child but theirs. I knew it was wrong to think like that. I knew there were many that had it worse than me, but in that moment, I had nothing but rage in my heart. My father had left me with a mess of a mother who was more dependant on me than I ever was on her. Now he was taking away his only saving grace, leaving me yet again with an unskilled mother whose only skill to list on her resume was that she was once voted the prettiest girl in school. She hadn’t gone to university. She’d never worked a day in her life. My father had swept her off her feet, promised her the world then took it all away. Now he was taking it all away from me too. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to shake him. I wanted to scream in his face and call him a cunt.

As I watched my mother cry helplessly, a lump formed in my throat. The worst part of all of this was that I knew she still loved him. She still cried for him in her sleep, and rambled about him when she was drunk. She couldn’t let go. In all honesty, if he came back and begged her to try again, I’m sure she’d say yes.

I guess that’s why all of this hurt so much. He’d broken her heart and the wound wouldn’t close. Then he’d left me, his only daughter, to pick up the ruined pieces. He’d robbed me of my happy life, and now he was robbing me of my happy future.

In that moment, I promised myself I was never going to be dependant on a man to take care of me. I was never going to be like that. I was always going to be my own person. I didn’t want to end up like my mother. I was too smart for that.

“We’ll be fine, mum,” I said, coming up behind her and sliding my arms around her waist, resting my head on her shoulder. “We never really needed him anyway.”

Reaching back, she pet me softly on the side of my head. “I need a drink.”

I watched her walk inside and rummage through the pantry, my heart sinking when she emerged with my hidden bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please don’t spiral out of control, mum. Please. I need you to be the grown up now.

The moment the thought entered my mind, I knew it was pointless. There was no way she was going to be of any help. She’d never coped without him when we had money. There was no way she’d cope without it.

Even so, I watched, willing her to stop even as she pulled down a glass and filled it until it almost overflowed then gulped the alcohol down like it was water. Disappointment filled me as I envisioned my night ahead. This wasn’t going to be pretty.

When she finished, she filled the glass again. Well, at least she’d thought to use a glass instead of necking the bottle. That was something, I guess.

***

“And he never even made me orgasm.”

Luke was onto something when he said that alcohol brought out the truth. My mother had finished the bottle of Jack Daniels then moved onto a bottle of Wild Turkey I didn't realise she’d had hiding underneath the sink in the laundry. She’d also moved on to drinking straight from the bottle, and for a small woman, she had a grip on that thing like a fucking vice. I couldn’t take it away from her, even though I’d tried multiple times.

“Why doesn’t he love me?” She looked at me with wide eyes that looked as though they were coated with a thick layer of glass then broke down and cried. As much as I hated going through this, my heart was breaking for her over and over again. I sat and listened to her wails and attempted to force her to drink some water in between gulps. “He said I was beautiful. He promised –promised – that he’d never leave. But he did. HE’S A LIAR!” She threw her head back and yelled the last part, her limps sticking out in the effort before she slouched back onto the couch, her hair covering her tear stained face.

“Give me the bottle, mum,” I coaxed, sitting on the coffee table in front of her and taking a hold of the bottle and her wrist. “Don’t let him do this to you. He’s the arsehole here. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re still beautiful. If all those dates you go on don’t tell you that then I don’t know what will.”

She fought me for a moment then released the bottle into my care. “They’re not him,” she said quietly.

I pressed the glass of water into her hands. “I know,” I whispered, pushing her hair out of her face and genuinely feeling sympathetic toward my mother’s mental state. I’d been feeling sorry for her while also thinking she was weak and pathetic. Tonight, I was understanding that she was a mess because she was broken, and in a way, I’d contributed to it, I’d abandoned her too. I’d been so busy with my goal to get out of Hargrave Cove that I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I should have fought for her to stay home and spend time with me instead of enabling her by supplying her with condoms and taking care of her when she came home messed up. Granted, I was the child, and she was the adult. But as I’ve been learning, age was just a number, and sometimes the responsible one was the youngest person in the house. I could have done more. I should have done more.

I was cleaning up the destruction when I should have been addressing the cause. I guess I figured that I was hurting too, and I just didn’t want to deal with it, but seeing her completely falling apart in front of my eyes showed me that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. She might be the parent in our relationship, but like that letter from my dad’s lawyer said, I was an adult now, and it was time to start acting like one.

Moving to sit on the couch beside her, I put my arm around her and she rested her head on my shoulder. I felt her tears continue to flow as they soaked through the fabric of my shirt. “We need to forget about him, mum,” I murmured, gently stroking her hair as if she was a child. “It’s just you and me now, and we don’t need him. You don’t need him. And you don’t need those other men either. What we need is each other. We can do this, mum. As long as we have each other, we can do anything.”

As the words left my lips, I felt so sure of them. My path in life was changing. My priorities had been altered. I had a new plan forming in my mind of how it needed to be. Somehow, we’d get through it. I was going to help her be strong. I was going to fix it all...

I watched the sun set that day through the back sliding door with my mother passed out on my lap. The sun was a muted orb of gold that turned everything in my house a subtle orange colour that would forever remind me of the day I finally grew up and started looking at the world like an adult instead of a kid who was simply the right age.

Twice, there was a knock on the door. And twice I ignored it. I knew it was probably Zeke, and possibly Shea too. But, I didn’t want them in that moment. I didn’t want to be a part of their carefree lives. They had their whole futures ahead of them, while I was struggling to work out what I was going to do to survive the next week without my mother completely falling apart on me. I simply wanted them to leave me alone. I wanted to be with my mum.

For the first time in my life, I had a real problem to overcome. It wasn’t just kids not liking me. It wasn’t just not fitting in. No. It wasn’t anything as juvenile and meaningless as popularity. The problem I faced was real. It was life changing, and it would force me to accept responsibility for my life and take back my control. But then, control is a funny thing...

14

––––––––

Unable to sleep, I sat on my window seat looking up at the clear night sky. My mother was sleeping soundly on the couch, and I had decided to shower and retire for the night, only to spend my time in bed tossing and turning because I couldn’t stop my mind from hanging onto my angry thoughts toward my father, and the confusion that laid itself inside my heart.

The same thoughts kept rolling around and around inside my head. What was I supposed to do? How could I fix it? I was on my own. Mum wouldn’t be any help. She was too much of a mess...

We were going to lose everything. I could feel it in my bones.

As I looked up at the sky, I tried to remember where the constellations were that Shea had shown me. All I could see were millions of glittering stars. The only thing I could clearly identify was the Southern Cross, and that was only because it was a prominent feature of our national flag.

A light flicking on caught my attention, and I looked down to find Shea looking up at me from her window. Thankfully, she wasn’t naked or in the throes of passion with anyone this time. I don’t think I could have handled another shock after the day I’d had.

Lifting my hand, I acknowledged her presence. In return, she gestured for me to open my window. So I did.

“Where were you today?” she asked in soft voice that still managed to be loud enough to carry between our houses.

“I was here. I just wasn’t up for visitors.”

She tilted her head slightly, a concerned look in her face. “Did something happen?”

When I went to open my mouth and tell her that dad cut us off, I decided against it, instead saying, “I just wasn’t feeling well.”

“Is that why you took off from The Palms too?”

I nodded.

“It wasn’t anything to do with me or Zeke?”

“I just haven’t been feeling well.” And it was true. I hadn’t been feeling well, the confusion over my feelings and the anger toward my father had made my stomach churn constantly.

“OK. If you say so. Do you need anything? Chicken soup, paracetamol?”

Pressing my lips together in a smile, I shook my head. “I’m fine. What did you get up to today?” I asked to change the subject.

A smile spread across her lips. “Zeke and I went to our first hang gliding lesson.”

“Did you jump yet?”

“Not yet. It was kind of like an orientation day. We did all those getting to know you exercises and went through an introduction of what to expect over the next couple of weeks. They said we get to use the simulators tomorrow.”

“There’s simulators?”

“Yeah. It’s crazy technical.”

“Sounds it.”

“It’s not too late for you to come along, you know.”

“I know,” I said with a smile, knowing full well that it was too late. Even if I wanted to join them, I wasn’t one of the rich kids of Hargrave Cove anymore. I wouldn’t be able to pay the enrolment fee. “I’m fine keeping my feet firmly on the ground. You can just tell me all about it.”

“I’ll come and see you tomorrow when class is over.”

“Sure.” I smiled. “I’d better get some sleep.”

“Hope you feel better in the morning.”

With a nod of my head, I moved away from the window, closing it before I returned to my bed and tried once again to sleep.

When I finally did drift off, it was filled with unsettling dreams that had little to do with money but everything to do with feeling abandoned. My subconscious was a sadist.

***

“What are you up to today?” Luke asked as we walked up the beach after spending the early morning in the water. Surfing was becoming somewhat of a guilty pleasure for me. The only person who knew anything about it was Luke, and that suited me just fine. He was the one person I felt that I could talk to without any sort of pressure involved. We simply got along, and we could talk or we could sit on our boards quietly. He was easy company and didn’t seem to mind having me around.

I stopped at the front of his car and leaned on my board as he went to the back of his car to change. All I could see was his head over the lid of the boot once it was open, and I wondered if he’d notice if I took a step to the side so I could get a better view.

“I was planning on taking a trip into the city. I’ve got some stuff I need to do in there.”

“Oh yeah? You scoping it out for Uni next year?” He squinted in the sun as he looked up at me then slammed the boot shut, pulling his shirt down as he walked back around the car. I got a quick glance at his abs before his white t-shirt met the waistband of his cargo shorts, and I had to hide my smile. His abs were the best part of my morning.

“Not really. I was kind of thinking of dropping in to see my dad.”

Opening the door of his car, he nodded. “Well, I might see you in there. I’m taking the rugrat into the aquarium today.” He reached up and checked that his board was securely tied to his roof racks. “You could tag along with us if you have time.” He ran his hand over his damp hair and shifted on his feet. “No pressure though.”

“Oh, um...I’d really like that, but...”

He waved his hand in the air as if to push the moment to the side. “Don’t worry about it, it was just a random thought.”

“No. I’d love to come. It’s just that I need to do a couple of things in there, and I don’t have a phone. If you give me a time to meet you, I can make sure I’m there.”

He grinned, looking at me incredulously. “You don’t have a phone?”

“No. I actually don’t believe in them. The world was just fine before mobile phones came along.”

“Seriously? You don’t own a phone?”

I began to laugh as I shook my head. “I never wanted one.”

With a chuckle, he gripped the back of his neck and raised his brow. “Well, I’ll be...Black and white movies, and you dress like it’s the fifties, and now no phone. Dawn Tucker, you’re the most old fashioned eighteen-year-old I’ve ever known.”

Laughing, I shrugged. “I’m not crazy, if that’s what you’re wondering. And I’m not old fashioned about everything.”

Leaning on the top of his open door, he looked at me in a way that spoke of great interest, as if he wanted to figure me out. “Well, I look forward to finding out.” He stood up straight again and put one foot in his car. “How about you meet us out front around eleven – does that give you enough time?”

If I caught the early train, it would give me two hours to see my father and visit a pawnbroker. I was running seriously low on cash and with my mother seemingly incapable of doing anything that had to do with being an adult, I knew that if I didn’t do something, pretty soon, there’d be no money at all. I was going to sell my jewellery.

“Yeah. That will be fine. See you then.”

***

What does it mean when your own father declines to see you? I guess it means exactly what you already knew – he doesn’t love you, he never wanted kids, he’d just pretended to like you...

I wondered how a man who, in my fondest memories, was the perfect gentlemen, the perfect father, the perfect husband. What had happened to him? Had I imagined it all? Had I been holding onto a false ideal? I couldn’t understand how he could go from cuddles in the kitchen and surfing on the weekends to absolutely nothing. Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Did my mother do something to turn him away? How did he switch it all off? How did it all just end in the blink of an eye?

All my life, I’d tried to be strong. I’d tried to be smart and interesting. I’d lived in hope that when I grew up, he’d see me and tell me I was the most beautiful, the most clever, the most refined young lady he’d ever met. I’d hoped that once I grew, he’d welcome me with open arms and proud eyes and tell me that it wasn't me, it was my mother that he’d left, I was simply collateral damage...It was so stupid. It was a fairy tale that would never come true, and after everything that had happened, I couldn’t believe that I’d seriously held a hope in my heart that he still cared.

The kids at school were right, I was a loser; even my own father didn’t want me.

I’d waited in the reception of his work for over an hour, and in the end, the receptionist told me that he’d gone into a meeting and wouldn’t be available for the rest of the day. I knew she was lying for him. I’d heard his voice travelling down the hall as he joked with some other guy over god knows what. I couldn’t make out the words. I could only hear the laughter.

I needed to let him go. I didn’t realise until that moment that I’d been holding on to him. But, I needed to let it go – the fairy tale, the hope – to move forward, I needed it to be gone.

“Do you think I could leave him a note?” I’d asked to the receptionist. She’d given me a pen and a pad of paper along with a smile laced with pity. I ignored the pity and took the notepad, scrawling a quick note that simply said, Dad, I dropped by to see you but you were too busy. Story of my life, I suppose...I want you to know that I’ll be OK. I know you aren’t worried now, but one day, you’ll be an old man and you’ll wonder what happened to me. When that time comes, I want you to know that I forgive you. Whatever your reasons, I forgive you for walking away, and I forgive you for not being there, and I forgive you for taking away my future. I’ll make my future on my own, and I’ll be fine because I’m letting you go now, just like you let me go that day on the beach. Have a wonderful life. Mine is just beginning. Dawn.

Folding the letter in half, I thanked the receptionist and left the offices feeling about a hundred times lighter. I don’t know what I’d expected going there. I guess I just hoped that if I spoke to him and explained what his withdrawal of support meant – if I could promise not to overspend and get a job for extras – if he’d just pay for my schooling – maybe he’d understand. Maybe he’d still help. Maybe he’d be the father I’d always hoped he would be.

At least I got my answer, I suppose. I knew now that there was no help except for the help I could give myself. There was a strange freedom in realising that, and after I went to the pawnbroker and got a measly five hundred and twenty seven dollars for eighteen years worth of jewellery, I also stopped into a vintage inspired clothing store and arranged to bring in my collection of rockabilly fashion and footwear. Five hundred dollars wasn’t going to last very long, and I needed money to live more then I needed to be fashionable.

Tucking the card of the clothing store into my purse, I checked my watch and realised I only had fifteen minutes to make it to the aquarium to meet Luke and his son.

“Oh shit,” I said to myself, knowing that even if I ran it would take me twenty minutes to get to Darling Harbour on foot. Feeling that I had no choice, I sacrificed some of my cash and paid for a taxi to get me through the city streets.

Fifteen minutes later, the driver dropped me off at Cockle Bay Wharf and I had to walk the rest of the way. I hoped Luke wasn’t a stickler for time as I rushed through the crowd gathering for a harbour cruise and kept my eyes peeled for his beach styled hair.

I found him standing in front of a giant wall mural discussing the different marine animals with Sam.

“Luke,” I called out as I arrived in a fluster. I really hated being late and felt awful for making him and his son wait in the heat. He turned to me and smiled, and in my relief that he wasn’t annoyed with my lateness, I gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek. He stiffened slightly, and I realised what I’d done while silently cursing Shea for her constant hugs and kisses with friends. It had obviously rubbed off on me. I released him and tried to act as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. “I’m so sorry I’m late. Have you been here long?”

“Ah...” Luke looked lost for a moment.

It was his son who spoke up, holding up the fingers on his right hand. “Only five hours.”

My eyebrows shot up. “Five hours?”

Luke cleared his throat. “He means minutes. We just got here. You ah...you look nice.” He glanced at the halter neck dress I was wearing. It was sea blue with little birds holding red flowers in their mouths all over it. I’d teamed it with a pair of black heels and had my hair done up in a French bun and my make up was my usual red lips and black lined eyes.

I held out my dress, inspecting it as if I’d never seen it before. “Thanks. I had that meeting with my dad, so I had to look nice.”

“I like your red lips,” Sam put in, and I smiled and thanked him.

“How did that go?” Luke asked.

With a shrug of my shoulders, I tried to keep my features even. “It didn’t. He was too busy.”

“Sorry to hear that.” In his eyes was a kindness instead of pity. It made me feel as though he understood without me having to explain what was going on.

In response, I smiled then took a breath and looked at Sam. “Who’s ready to go and see some sharks?”

“Me!” he yelled.

“Then let’s go in. My treat,” I said with a smile.

“Please,” Luke added, touching my arm before I opened my purse. “I asked you here. It’s my treat.”

Then our eyes met, and I blushed.

***

“I should have worn flats.” I sat down on the edge of a wooden bench as Sam ran to play with some other kids in the nearby Tumbalong Park. He’d gone through the aquarium, talking about all the things he saw as if he were a wildlife documentary then, with his newly acquired toy shark in his hand, continued to burn his energy on the play equipment.

“Take them off for a bit.” Luke sat beside me then gestured for me to lift my foot to his lap.

“Seriously? They’re probably all stinky.”

“I’m told I give a good foot rub. It’s fine.”

“OK,” I conceded, lifting my foot and placing it on his thigh. “But if you feel lightheaded from the fumes let me know. I don’t want you to pass out.”

With a chuckle, he took a hold of my foot and pressed his thumb into my aching arches. I almost moaned from the pleasure and instead just focused on his skilful hands, kneading at my feet.

“I haven’t seen you at The Palms much this week.”

Turning away, I watched Sam as he chased a little girl with the shark. “I’ve been tired from the early mornings, I guess. Just been vegging out at home watching movies.”

“Anything I might like?”

“Well, I watched Goonies like you suggested.”

He grinned. “You like it?”

“Yes.” I couldn’t help but smile in return as his grin broadened.

“See? I pick good movies.”

“You do.”

“Favourite part?”

I thought for a moment. “The bone piano. That was really cool.”

“I like that part too.” He gestured for me to switch feet, and I closed my eyes as his thumbs pushed away the aching on that side too. Bliss.

“What about you? Have you watched ‘Night of the Living Dead’?”

“I have.”

“And?”

“It was bloody awesome. I could see where all the current zombie shows and movies got their roots.”

I grinned. I loved these conversations. “Favourite part?”

He made a face that told me he had a few. Then he blew out his breath and said, “When Barbra was done in by the horde with her brother in it. The tension was great during that part.”

“Yes! Or when Ben is trapped outside and has to fight his way back into the house with all the zombies closing in and Mr Cracker won’t let him in.”

Luke nodded sagely. “I really hated that Cracker guy.”

I laughed at the fierceness of his comment then turned as Sam ran up to us.

“Hey dad? Can we get an ice cream?” He stopped short, looking at my foot on his father’s lap. I pulled it away quickly as if we were doing something wrong and slipped my feet back into my shoes.

Luke looked at me with his eyebrows raised. “You want an ice cream?”

“Only if I can buy this time.” With a smile, I stood up and Sam slipped his hand into mine, jumping along beside me and talking quickly about how high he could climb on the rope structure. I thought it was sweet and glanced at Luke who had a slightly funny expression on his face. I wondered if maybe I was doing the wrong the thing and waited for a moment until he was walking beside us. “Is this OK?” I asked, gesturing to Sam holding my hand and Luke nodded just as Sam reached out for his hand too then lifted his feet off the ground.

“Weeeee!” he yelled as he swung between us, acting as though it was the most normal thing to do in the world. I loved every moment of it.

***

“So, what movie should I watch next?” I asked in the train carriage on the way home. The rocking had caused Sam to drift off to sleep, and he was lying with his head resting on his dad’s lap in the seat opposite me.

Luke had been watching the scenery flick past the window, his eyes vacant as he stroked his son’s blond hair soothingly. He had to blink a couple of times to focus on me, and it caused me to smile, I liked seeing him so relaxed. I liked seeing him with his guard down too. Normally, I saw him at work or in the water surfing. I never saw him completely at ease.

“Um, well...I guess we could always watch one together? I’ve got Wednesday night off next week, and this little guy goes to bed around eight. You could come around if you like?”

I tried to fight the smile that was pulling at my lips, I was ridiculously excited at the prospect of spending an evening with Luke. Watching a movie together wasn’t exactly anything monumental, but with my life feeling so out of control with my family and relationships, I was beyond happy that my friendship with Luke was becoming more of a prominent feature in my life. I needed someone like Luke in it. He accepted me exactly as I was, and I was completely comfortable around him. He was kind, understanding, easy to talk to, and easy to laugh with. He was everything a man should be; he was a gentleman.

I loved how nervous he appeared while he awaited my answer. It was almost as if he worried he was overstepping some sort of invisible line; maybe he was...but it felt right. Spending time with Luke was quickly become my favourite thing in the world. Just being around him made everything that was wrong with my life feel OK.

I allowed the threatening smile to overtake my lips and tilted my head slightly in question. “You want me to come to your house?”

I swear I saw him blush before he dropped his eyes for a second. “Yeah – as friends of course.” My smile faltered as he met my eyes. “Or maybe...” he added quickly, before he ran his free hand over his messy brown hair and chuckled at himself. “Jesus, you can tell I don’t invite people around often.”

“I’d love to come and watch a movie with you, Luke. I’ll even bring popcorn.”

He released his breath. “Really?”

I laughed. “Don’t look so shocked.”

“No. I’m not...I just...” His eyes met mine. “I guess I’m just worried you’ll think I’m some creepy old guy who can’t make friends his own age. Not that I don’t have any friends – I do – I just...”

My expression grew serious as I saw the concern in his green eyes and etched into his features as he muddled through his words. “I could never think that way about you, Luke. You’re probably my most favourite person in the world.” As a grin spread across his lips, his relief softened his expression. I loved being the reason Luke smiled. “Besides, it’s not like I’m that awesome at making friends within my age group. In case you haven’t heard or noticed, I’m not the most well liked person in Hargrave Cove. There are some pretty nasty rumours out there about me.”

By the look on his face, I knew that he’d heard them. “People are threatened by things they don’t understand, Dawn. Don’t take it as a reflection on you, take it as a reflection on them.”

I let out my breath slowly, and blinked quickly as my eyes pricked. I’d always acted as though the things they said didn’t affect me, but talking to Luke about it and having him understand brought out my real feelings over my situation. “It’s hard,” I whispered. “I try to act like it doesn’t bother me. But, I see the way people look at me, and I hear the whispers. It hurts, you know?”

Reaching out, he took a hold of my hand. His touch was warm and comforting as he ran his thumb softly over the back of my palm. “Do you know why I work at The Palms?”

I shrugged. “Because you need a job?”

Pressing his lips together, he chuckled then sat back against his seat, his hand leaving mine as he ran his hand over his hair again. “That, and the fact the locals don’t go there. You might be too young to remember, but when my wife passed away there was some speculation as to whether it was an accident or not. Some people thought perhaps I’d done something to drive her away, or if there was something wrong with her mentally since Sam was still a baby when it happened. It was just a freak accident. I knew that. But the questioning looks and the whispers still pissed me off. These were people who’d known me since I was a kid, people I’d grown up with, people who were supposed to be my friends...” Frowning, he seemed to get lost in his memory for a moment, and I wanted to ask him what happened to her. At the same time, I didn’t want to interrupt him or seem rude or pushy. It was the first time he’d ever broached the subject of his wife with me, and I knew that he just needed me to be quiet, and listen, and wait until he was ready. “I love Hargrave Cove,” he said finally. “I’ve spent almost all my entire life there. But, there are some real judgemental arseholes about, you know?”

“Yeah. I know,” I whispered, and this time, I reached out and placed my hand on his. He seemed surprised for a moment as he looked at our joined hands. Then he met my eyes, and for whatever reason was behind it, we both laughed. Perhaps it was to release the tension because we’d become so serious, or perhaps it was just a relief to finally address the topics we never spoke about.

I released his hand and sat back in my seat as we fell quiet. “I like spending time with you, Luke,” I said suddenly, the compliment falling from my lips before I’d had a chance to consider the implications. I simply had a need to let him know.

In response, he smiled and met my eyes. A tension seemed to fill the air as our gazes locked, and I struggled to look away. It was something I hadn’t felt before, and I wondered if Luke was feeling it too. He didn’t look away either. I felt warm. I felt good. I touched my face as I felt the blush creep over my cheeks.

“I like spending time with you too, Dawn.”

I bit my lip to try and stop the resulting grin from taking over. That simple admission meant more than I cared to admit. It set my heart racing, and even though I knew it was probably silly, I began to entertain the thought of Luke and me becoming something more...

“Is Dawn your girlfriend?” Sam’s sleepy voice cut through the air, asking the hard questions, as children tend to do.

I saw conflicting emotions in Luke’s eyes as he quickly looked away from me as if we’d been caught doing something wrong.

“No. I’m not,” I answered, feeling odd as everything I’d thought I was feeling soured at Luke’s reaction. It was so stupid of me to think he could possibly like me in that way. He was almost twice my age, and was simply being nice to me because he understood what it was like to have rumours make you feel like an outsider.

Sam stretched his arms up and twisted so he was looking into his dad’s face. “You should ask her out, dad. She’s real good fun.”

My heart leapt into my throat and I held my breath as I kept my eyes focused outside the window.

“We’re just friends, mate. Dawn and me, we’re just friends.”

Releasing my breath slowly, I ignored the plummeting feeling in my stomach and forced myself to glance at Luke and smile as he looked at me apologetically. Sam shrugged as if it made no difference to him then sat up and crossed his legs, holding his hand out to his dad. “Can I play your phone?”

Seeming flustered, Luke handed over his iPhone. “Sorry about that,” he mouthed, his expression as uncomfortable as I was feeling in that moment.

Holding up my hand, I waved the awkwardness away and shrugged my shoulders. “It’s fine.”

We fell quiet, sitting there as if we had nothing to say to each other, which was so unusual for us. We stayed that way until the train pulled in to Hargrave Station. “Need a ride home?” Luke asked as we stepped out of the carriage.

I shook my head. “I think I’d like to walk,” I said, even though my feet were still killing me.

He looked at me strangely for a moment, and I smiled to hide my discomfort, looking away then down to Sam when he started swinging off his dad’s arm, bored.

“Thanks for letting me tag along today, Sam. I had fun,” I told him.

He rubbed his fingers under his nose as he squinted up at me. “Do you want my shark as a souvenir?” He held the plastic toy out to me. Moved, I shook my head.

“It’s all yours, buddy.” Touching him lightly on the head, I lifted my gaze to Luke. “I guess, I’ll see you on the water. Thanks for today.” I turned to walk away but Luke caught me by the arm.

He released me as soon as I faced him and shifted slightly on his feet as if he was warring with what he wanted to say. Running his hand over his stubbled chin, he took a breath to speak. “About that movie...”

“It’s fine. Some other time perhaps?” I said with my voice as light as I could make it to hide my growing disappointment.

“No. I still want to. Next week is good. I just...I was thinking.”

“Yes?” I stepping closer.

“How about you pick a movie, and I pick a movie? We can watch both.”

With that simple suggestion, I felt about a hundred times lighter and my smile became genuine as I looked into his eyes. They were still troubled, but there was something else in there too, something that told me he was worried he’d upset me, something the told me he cared.

“Sounds perfect,” I said softly. Then I kissed him on his cheek and left, smiling almost the whole walk home, even though my feet were aching like crazy.

Luke was beautiful. Luke was kind. Luke made me smile.

Luke was my friend.

And really, with everything going on in both of our lives, that was exactly what we needed to be, because just being around him made me happy, and I had a feeling being around me made him happy too.

15

––––––––

“Are you hiding from me?” Shea was sitting at the kitchen table when I came downstairs from my morning shower. Thankfully, I was dressed this time. I didn’t need a repeat of the whole robe incident from the week before. Frowning, I looked around and wondered how she got in. “Your mother. She was on her way out.”

I paused, my brow knitting tighter. “Did she say where she was going?”

Shea stood with a sigh and ran her fingertips along the table top as she moved toward me. “No. But I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Noa headed out around the same time.”

“Do you think they’re together?”

She shrugged and lifted her hand to take hold of a section of my hair before she lightly ran her fingers down it. “Makes sense, don’t you think?” Then without warning, she leaned in and kissed me. Quickly. Softly. It was more of a suck of my bottom lip than anything.

Flinching, I frowned. “Don’t do that.” I didn’t need her messing with my head again. I didn’t want her filling my mind with her beliefs when I was trying so hard to keep a hold on mine.

“I’ve missed you,” she countered, her hand moving up the skin of my arm as she moved to kiss me again.

“Shea. Stop. I don’t want that.”

She paused with her hand on my shoulder but didn’t move away. “Why? Because I’m a girl?”

I glanced up at her clear blue eyes. “Yes. No. You...you confuse me.”

“How?”

“Because I’m not...I’m not...”

“A lesbian?”

I released my breath. “Yes. I like boys – men.”

“You like Zeke?”

Frowning, I nodded, at war with my feelings that seemed to be stretching in so many different directions. “I do like, Zeke. I look at him and...well, you know how I feel about him, and even other men, I see them and...”

“And they interest you.”

“Yes.”

“And it confuses you that I interest you too?”

I nodded. She always seemed to know exactly what was going on inside my head. It was disconcerting. “Yes.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being interested or even experimenting with someone of the same sex. Do you remember the first day I met you, and we were talking about that philosopher Nietzsche?”

“You said he wrote about people being capable of all kinds of love. And that sexuality was fluid.”

She smiled and ran her fingers through my hair again. “That’s because it is. You don’t need to be defined by a label. You can have a preference, and for you, it’s obviously men. But every so often, you may find yourself attracted to a woman. It’s why monogamy doesn’t work. You never know what’s around the corner waiting for you.”

Shea seemed so sure of everything she was telling me. And knowing that she had far more experience with sex and relationships than I ever did made it so much harder to argue with her. She spoke with a logic that was difficult to deny. It went against everything I believed in, everything I’d ever dreamed of, but still, it made sense because I was experiencing everything she kept talking about. I was finding myself attracted to more than one person at a time – Zeke, Shea and Luke... I didn’t understand it, and I certainly didn’t want to admit any of it out loud. For so long, my focus had been on winning Zeke’s heart. Then Shea came to town and filled my heart and mind with questions and confusion. I didn’t know which way I was supposed to be pointed anymore. I was like a compass without a magnetic pole to point at.

She moved to kiss me again. And again I pulled back. “I feel guilty,” I blurted.

“Why?”

“Because I’m supposed to want Zeke. It’s what I’ve wanted all my life.”

She nodded, her expression understanding, and her voice a whisper when she spoke. “You can have us both.”

I didn’t want that.

I didn’t know what I wanted...

“He...he wouldn’t want to do that.”

She grinned and brought her mouth to mine, whispering against my lips. “If Zeke could have us both, he wouldn’t even flinch. Like all men, he’d simply say yes.” Then she kissed me. In my mind, I wanted to object to her words and her actions. I wanted to tell her that Zeke wasn’t like that. He wouldn’t be OK with her kissing me. He wouldn’t want us both.

But deep down, I knew she was right, and deep down, I was happy she was kissing me, because deep down, I was enjoying it. I liked it.

“Shea!”

The spell was broken and I pulled away quickly, guiltily. Her name was being called from outside by Zeke.

“It’s time to go up to the lookout for the hang gliding course. Will you meet us up there when were done? We can have a picnic or something, all three of us.” She touched my face lovingly, and I almost cried when I realised that I wished she was still kissing me.

Pressing my lips together, I nodded and watched her leave, my head still feeling a little dizzy from the rush of her kiss. It was strange. I’d always thought kissing a girl would feel completely different to kissing a boy, but really it felt pretty much the same – lips and tongue. Not that I had that many boys I’d kissed to compare it to. It had only been with one of the Wannabes back in the days when I was trying to fit in. We were fifteen and he tried to grab my boob. So really, kissing Shea was better than that. But it wasn’t overly different.

That part surprised me. Everything about my reaction to Shea surprised me.

***

“Do you think we could talk?” Zeke looked uncomfortable when I’d arrived up at the lookout with our usual staples – fish and chips and a bottle of Jack.

“Sure.” I glanced at Shea who smiled and took the canvas bag and picnic rug from me. Then I followed Zeke over to a large eucalypt that was bent awkwardly from growing for years against the sea winds.

Sliding my hands into the back pockets of my navy shorts, I looked up at him. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to make sure you’re OK.”

Releasing a short laugh, I gave him a shrug. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because I didn’t kiss you that night. You’ve kind of been avoiding me ever since.”

“Have I?”

I had. Of course I had. So much had changed in such a short amount of time, and looking at Zeke was just another reminder that all of my dreams were never going to come true. I had no money for university. The guy I’d spent my life pining for had rejected me, and the only person who really seemed to want me was a girl who believed anyone could fall in love with anyone, and that didn’t exactly make me feel special when I broke it down that way.

“You have. Can we talk about it? Please?”

The memory of that night flashed in my mind. It was the first night my dreams started crumbling. Closing my eyes, I felt the embarrassment of his horrified expression all over again. I really didn’t want to talk about it. “Zeke. No. Can we just forget about it?”

“I need to say this, Dawn. I have to tell you that I’ve regretted the way I reacted every moment since it happened.”

My mouth fell open. “Wait, you what?”

“I regret not kissing you back.”

It was like someone stole the air out of my chest and my ability to comprehend. “What are you saying?” I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions; I done enough of that lately. I needed for him to spell it out for me very carefully before I could react.

“I’m saying that if I’d known you’d get so hurt that you’d stop talking to me, I wish I would have kissed you.”

My brow knitted. His explanation hadn’t helped at all. I was growing more confused. “But you didn’t want to kiss me at the time?”

“Yes. No. I mean. Shit. I didn’t kiss you because I didn't want to mess up what we had. But I’m a guy, Dawn, and you’re, well...” He gestured toward me as a whole. “You’re gorgeous. I know you think you aren’t, but you are. You’re pretty, like...Audrey Hepburn pretty.”

“Audrey Hepburn pretty?” I pulled at my lips with my teeth as I smiled. Then he ran his hand through his hair as if he was slightly agitated by my question.

I didn’t understand his reaction. I’d taken it as a compliment.

“You don’t watch current movies, Dawn. I can’t exactly say you’re a hotter version of that chick in Jessica Jones because you have no idea what I’m talking about.”

“OK,” I whispered, feeling slightly reprimanded instead of flattered. He noticed.

“Shit. This is coming out all wrong.” He took a hold of my hands and looked into my eyes. “The point is, of course I’d thought about kissing you before that night. But, I thought it would change our friendship too much if I did.”

Nodding, I thought perhaps I was beginning to understand. “And you don’t want things to change?”

“No. But, it feels like they’re changing anyway, and now I regret reacting the way I did. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry. I should have kissed you.”

Frowning, I tried to piece together what he meant. “What I’m hearing is that if you had to choose, you’d rather not kiss me at all, but if forced, you’d kiss me to save our friendship – is that right?”

He laughed. “Are you serious? That’s what you took from that?”

“Well, yeah,” I started to say but I didn’t get the chance to finish because before I knew what was happening, his hand wrapped around the back of my head and our lips were pressed together.

In my surprise, I opened my eyes wide and just looked at him without responding. “Dawn?” he said against my lips.

“Yes?” I said against his.

“You have to move your lips.”

“Oh, right,” I said, pulling away a little and tilting my head, suddenly feeling very self-conscious knowing that Shea could be watching.

“This isn’t quite how I imagined it,” he said as he started to laugh. He rested his forehead against mine, his hand resting in the curve of my neck with his thumb gently caressing my jawline. It felt nice, and I didn’t want him to stop so I placed my hand on top of his to keep it there.

“I’m sorry. I just wasn’t expecting that. Do you think maybe we could try that again later? Maybe when we don’t have such an audience.” I inclined my head toward where Shea had set out the blanket and food, and he nodded his head.

“We can wait as long as you need.” Leaning forward, he pressed his lips against my forehead then pulled me into a hug. “As long as you don’t quit talking to me again.”

I nodded against his chest. “I promise,” I said, my mind still whirling. Did this mean that Zeke actually wanted me? In the same way I wanted him? I still wasn’t sure.

“All sorted?” Shea asked as we sat down with her and she took the lid off the Jack Daniels and took a swig. “Ugh, that stuff is rough. Here.” She handed it to Zeke who first offered it to me then took a drink himself.

“Yeah. We’re all sorted,” I told her with a smile as I exchanged glances with Zeke.

“Good,” she said, looking genuinely pleased. “Then let’s eat.”

***

“No. I’m serious. He demonstrates with his arse poking out like this.” Zeke took on the comical pose of their hang gliding instructor. Falling backward, I clutched my stomach. It was hurting from laughing so hard.

The moment I tried to get back up the world started spinning. It was possible I’d had a tiny bit too much to drink and chose instead to lie back down and watch the stars form complete circles above my head.

“You feeling OK?” Shea’s face entered the kaleidoscope sky, and my eyes found their focus.

“You’re really pretty,” I told her in all sincerity.

“And you’re drunk.” She laughed and continued to hold herself over me.

“So are you.”

“I’m very drunk.” Taking my hand she pulled me up to sitting then sat in front of me and pushed my hair back from my face.

Zeke was sitting beside us now, spinning the empty bottle in between his legs. “We’re going to be fucked for class tomorrow,” he stated, his words a little slurred. Between the three of us we’d put away the entire bottle of Jack Daniels, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to manage to get up to surf tomorrow.

Shea gasped and clutched his hand. “Oh Zeke! You just gave me the most fantastic idea.”

Giving her a curious look, he met her gaze.

“Spin the bottle.” She picked up the empty Jack Daniels bottle and moved it to the centre of our little circle.

“Aren’t we getting a little old for this?” I laughed and looked to Zeke for support, although, he gave me a look that spoke only of interest. I felt tense.

“It’ll be fun,” Shea promised. It’s what she always promised.

I found myself nodding.

“I’ll go first.”

Sitting there nervously, I watched her place her hand on the bottle and spin. No matter who it landed on, I didn’t think I’d be comfortable. I didn’t want to watch her kiss Zeke, and I didn’t want her to kiss me in front of Zeke.

Slowly it went around. One. Two. Three. The neck of the bottle pointed at...me. Not knowing if I could go through with it, I started to fidget, wanting to move away as I watched her crawl toward me. She stopped with her knees against mine and took a hold of my face in her hands.

“Have you kissed Dawn yet, Zeke?”

It took him a moment, and he had to clear his throat so he could speak. “Um, no. Not yet.”

She ran her hand down the side of my face, so gently as she looked into my eyes. “I have. She’s quite...perfect.”

“What?” he exclaimed, just as Shea put her mouth to mine and kissed me hard, holding onto my head as her mouth took over mine.

I frowned when she pulled away, wondering what kind of game she was playing at. Then I saw the look on Zeke’s face and I understood. His expression was one of complete and utter arousal. She wanted to show me that she was right, and that he’d want us both.

She reached out and took his hand, pulling him closer to us. “Maybe we don't need the bottle,” she whispered, pressing a light kiss to his jawline before taking his mouth in hers as well. A surge of jealousy reared up inside me as I watched their mouths move together, and I found myself wanting to leave. But Shea gripped my hand, and as she pulled away from Zeke, she pulled me forward. “Now I want to see you two together.”

And this time, we didn’t hesitate. This time, we kissed properly, our mouths moving, along with our tongues. Everything was working right, but for some reason, it didn’t feel any different to kissing Shea. It didn’t make sense. Kissing Zeke was something I’d wanted to do forever. I loved him. Where were the fireworks? Where was the feeling that all of my dreams had finally come true?

I felt myself being lowered to the rug. I felt hands on my body, and lips on my skin – neither felt any different to the other, which in a way, saddened me. I was drunk. I was aroused. I was overwhelmed. I was confused.

I switched between them both, kissing Zeke, kissing Shea, touching their bodies through their clothes, while they touched mine. Then hands were getting lower and my discomfort levels grew. I wasn’t ready for where it was going. I wasn’t ready.

I forced myself to sit up.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, struggling for breath. “I can’t do this.”

16

––––––––

After that night, I was thankful that Zeke and Shea were busy with their hang gliding course. It made it easier to avoid them during the day, and in the evenings, I kept complaining of feeling unwell to avoid long conversations or drinking sessions with them. I denied that I was feeling odd about our three-way makeout session on the lookout, but I was. It had made me feel as though I was compromising on everything I’d believed relationships to be. I felt as though they were pushing me to take things way beyond our friendship, and I struggled to find a way to be around them without the discomfort of what it felt like to be in that situation with them. I wondered often if they were doing things when I wasn’t around. And again, I found myself too scared to look out the window that could see into Shea’s room. It was easier to hope that Zeke would say no to her. It was better not knowing if he’d perhaps said yes... I didn’t want to know. I didn't want to know...

They both seemed to think it was all just a bit of fun. I couldn’t help but think that it was more than that. It felt like it was more than that. It felt as though I was standing on the edge of a cliff, and I could either step away or jump. And I was too frightened to jump. It felt as though I’d lose myself forever if I did...

After avoiding them for what remained of the week, I knew I was pushing my luck, but I kept up with my farce, complaining of aches and pains that weren’t really there just to avoid facing them.

On top of my emotions regarding Zeke and Shea, I was still trying to navigate the world with my newfound sense of poverty. I knew I wasn’t entirely destitute, but I was definitely struggling. In the past week, I’d also returned to the city and sold all of my rockabilly clothing and iron fist shoes, keeping only the most casual of all my clothes, and that one outfit I’d worn to the city that day with Luke, because it was my favourite. I’d quit wearing so much make up – my tube of Chanel red was running low, and I didn’t want to waste it on day to day wear.

I spent a crazy amount of time each day pouring over bills and my dwindling cash supply, trying to work out a way to make the money stretch as far as it could.

My mother was still absent more than she was home, and I tried to take her credit card to stop her from spending on it, but we just ended up in a fight, and I ended up crying over the credit card statement, wondering how we were supposed to get the money to pay for it. I was feeling miserable. I was feeling confused. I felt incredibly alone and wished my mother would for once wake up and take some sort of responsibility for her life.

How did everything manage to get so hard so fast? If only life were a movie, I could hit rewind and pause it before everything turned to shit. Things were easier then. They were more simple. Which was just the way I liked them. I wanted that time back...

Honestly, the only thing that was saving me from losing my mind was getting out of the house to surf every morning and clear my head.

Under Luke’s watchful eye, I was getting my sea legs back and wasn’t wiping out anywhere near as often as I was in the beginning. It was like I was rediscovering this whole side of me I’d forgotten long ago, and I liked that part of me. It was the part of me that loved the sea and would miss it when I left. It was funny how your perspective of something changed when your choices were taken away; even if I wanted to stay in Hargrave Cove, I couldn’t anymore. We simply couldn’t afford it.

“The waves aren’t so great this morning.” Luke paddled up and came to a stop beside me. I’d beat him into the water that morning, which was unusual. Normally he was first, but there weren’t many surfers out today. I guess they saw the surf report and decided not to bother. I saw the report too; I just wanted to be on the water regardless of the conditions.

The gentle waves bumped along beneath my board, rocking me from side to side as I dangled my legs in the water and looked out to the horizon as if the waves might suddenly appear if I watched closely enough.

“It’s still worth it for the sunrise,” I commented, remembering our initial conversation from a few weeks ago.

“So you’re a convert now, huh?”

“I suppose.”

We fell quiet for a while then Luke turned to me and spoke. “We still on for those movies tonight?”

Grinning, I turned to him and smiled even though I was shivering slightly from the cold. “I wouldn’t miss it. I’m bringing Karloff’s The Body Snatcher with me.”

“OK.” He nodded thoughtfully. “In that case, I’m going to counter your offer with...” He paused and worked his jaw as he tried to come up with a title.

“I can’t believe you haven’t chosen a movie yet,” I exclaimed, splashing him playfully.

With a chuckle, he held up his hand to deflect the water. “The Shining!” I stopped splashing, and he lowered his hands and presented me with a gorgeous smile. “We’re going to watch The Shining.”

“I’ve actually wanted to watch that one. Good choice.”

Still smiling, he dipped his hands in the water then ran them through his hair, slicking it back from his head. I’d grown to enjoy watching Luke’s little rituals, and using seawater as a styling product was one of them.

“Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you if everything is OK with you. I keep seeing your friends at the bar without you, and Zeke and Shea keep telling me that you aren’t feeling well. But, I know for a fact that you’re fine.”

“You haven’t told them anything have you?”

He shrugged. “What do I have to tell?”

I dropped my hands below the surface of the water and pushed back and forth. “Just, this. I don’t want them to know.”

“Surfing? Why?” he sounded genuinely perplexed.

“Because it’s mine. It’s the only thing I have left, and I don't want to share it.”

He assessed me quietly, taking in my words, but not saying anything to push me to elaborate, he simply rubbed his hands together and nodded. “Well, if you’re going to keep coming out here at this hour, you might want to get your hands on a wetsuit. You’re shivering in that thing.” He nodded toward my swimsuit, which did little to protect me from the morning chill. My skin was covered in goose bumps, and I was indeed shivering.

“I’m fine like this,” I lied. “I don’t need one.”

“Listen, it’s awesome that you feel badarse and all, but you kind of do need one. You’ll end up with a chill in your kidneys.”

“Jesus Christ, Luke. Get off my back. You’re not my dad,” I snapped, not meaning to be rude, but not wanting to keep going with a line of conversation that was going to force me to admit that I didn’t have the money to pay for one.

“I’m just giving you some friendly advice.”

“I don’t need it OK? I said I’m fine, and I’m fine.”

“Why are you even arguing over this? Just go and get a fucking wetsuit, Dawn. I’m sure they’ll have something that will match with your style if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I don’t give a fuck about my style, Luke!” I yelled, splashing him with water in my annoyance.

He shot water back at me.

I glared at him then kicked my leg out. My plan was to shove against his board. But, that plan backfired when he caught me by the ankle and pulled me off my board.

Squealing, I went under the salty water to the sound of the world muting as the noise of the sea entered my ears. The calm under the surface was so peaceful that I let myself relax into the current as I held my breath and watched the early morning rays of sunlight slice through the water’s surface. It looked majestic. It calmed me.

A rush of bubbles blasted past me as strong arms wrapped around my waist and hauled me back up.

“What the hell is your problem?” Luke yelled when we broke the surface.

“I want you to leave me alone – that’s what my problem is!” I yelled back, instantly annoyed again.

A flash of hurt crossed his face as he released me. “If that’s the case, then I’m sorry for harassing you, Dawn. It won’t happen again.” Then he turned and lifted himself out of the water and back onto his board.

I felt guilty straight away. None of my problems were his fault, and I shouldn't have been taking them out on him like that. I didn’t want to see Luke upset. I wanted to be the reason he smiled. Not the reason he frowned.

“Luke,” I called out as he began to paddle away. “Luke, I’m sorry.”

He kept going as if he couldn’t hear me, and needing to make it right, I pulled myself back onto my board and quickly followed suit, heading back to the beach to catch up to him.

When I made it to the shore, he was already walking up the sand with his board under his arm. He was leaving.

“Luke!” I called out as I ran after him, pausing just long enough to untie the leash from my ankle so I could drop my board on the sand. “Wait. Please.”

He stopped and turned with a sigh. “Listen, I don’t know what your problem is right now, but I’ve got my own shit to deal with. I don’t need some kid with daddy issues using me because the boy she’s been pining for is hanging out with another girl. I was trying to be nice. Hell, I even thought we were friends, which was stupid considering our age difference, but we get along, so I ignored the warnings from everyone telling me it was a bad idea to hang out with an eighteen-year-old girl. But you didn’t seem eighteen to me, and I liked hanging out. But seriously, I can’t get involved with your drama. What the fuck was that, Dawn? Who the fuck goes under the water and just lets themselves sink? That’s fucked. Why would you do that to me?”

A lump had formed in my throat as he ranted at me. Every point he made hit me with almost targeted precision to my very core. He knew me. He knew me so well that he knew how to hurt me. I didn’t understand why he wanted to hurt me so harshly. He’d been nothing but nice to me in a town full of people who judged me constantly. He was one of the few people who understood what that felt like and had gotten to know me for me. Why...why was he using that all against me now? Daddy issues? Pining for a boy? Some kid? Had he always felt that way? Had he ever really wanted to be my friend at all?

Everything was falling apart. Everything was a mess. Luke was the last good thing in my life. I had never felt panic more than I felt it in that moment. I needed him. I needed his friendship, and I was petrified that my one moment of madness when I’d stayed under the water for a beat too long had scared him away for good. I needed to fix this. I needed to explain...

“I’m sorry, Luke. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I just...I just let the quiet surround me. I’ve been stressing out because my dad cut us off since I’m eighteen now, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to go to Uni now without his support. So when you told me to get a wetsuit like it was no big deal. I don’t know, I guess I didn't want to admit that I couldn’t afford one. I didn’t want to admit that we were poor now.”

He looked at me for a moment, his green eyes intense as his brow furrowed and he thought over my response. “Money? That’s what you’re upset about?” I nodded. “Jesus, Dawn. Who gives a fuck if you don’t have money anymore? Do you think I have cash to throw around? Life is hard and most of us live week to week. Listen, it sucks that your dad isn’t going to pay for Uni, but it isn’t the end of the world. Get a job; get government assistance so you can still go to school. Sell some of the shit you don’t use on eBay. There are ways around it. Just...” His eyes scanned me up and down as he shook his head. “Just grow up.”

I opened my mouth to respond, but honestly I didn't have any words. For the first time since I'd known Luke, he treated me like a child, and honestly, he made me feel like one too. He made me feel like a spoiled brat, a dramatic teenager – a selfish bitch. I couldn’t believe he threw my feelings toward Zeke and the fact my dad had left in my face the way he did. That hurt. It hurt a lot.

With a shake of his head, he turned around and walked away, and the moment he was far enough up the beach, I turned away and dropped down onto the sand with a distressed gasp. His flippant reaction and anger toward my situation had felt like a punch in the gut. I honestly thought that once I’d come clean, he would have understood. But instead, he put me in my place, and regardless of whether he spoke the truth or not, I felt about two inches tall because of it.

Tears of self-pity burned in my eyes as I watched the sun meander its way up past the horizon and into its resting point in the early morning sky and thought about my sorry life. Watching the sunrise, I was reminded of Luke’s earlier comment about the sun always rising and the world always turning, and I also remembered how my mother had promised she’d take care of things promptly before spiralling into a drunken mess that I was once again cleaning up, and once again covering for.

I sat there for a long time with Luke’s words echoing in my mind. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt overwhelmed. I’d been trying so hard to find a way to keep following my original path, hoping things would somehow get better. My focus had stayed on trying to find a solution to make of my dreams still come true. But it wasn’t working. My friendships were all fucked up, my family was fucked up, and as a result, I was fucked up too. I had absolutely no clue what it was I was fighting for anymore. I had no clue what it was I was supposed to do. I was completely and utterly lost. No one wanted me. No one cared what I wanted, or what my dreams were. I had no idea why I was still fighting or why I still cared. None of it mattered. Even I didn’t matter. No one cared enough about me to stick beside me and fight on my behalf – not my parents – not my friends. Why was I trying? What was the fucking point? What was the fucking point?

Pressing my palms against my eyes, I cried into my hands, already knowing the answer.

There was no point. There was no fucking point at all.

***

Walking back home later than usual, cradling the ache of my self-pity in my chest, I had the unfortunate pleasure of running into a few of the Wannabes as they carried their surfboards toward the water. They were always late surfers and spent the day on the beach with the Sunshine Barbies – it was part of the reason I liked going early. I could avoid seeing them completely if I timed things right.

“Hey Dawn,” one of them yelled out. Stupidly, I turned at my name just in time to see Dan grab his cock through his shorts as he made a kiss noise at me. Scott Jennings clapped him on the back as he laughed and looked at me with uncaring eyes.

As the others continued to cackle, I turned away and hurried off, trying to stop myself from getting upset. I didn’t want them to see that they could hurt me. I was at my lowest point mentally, and I couldn’t face their jibes at that point.

By the time I got home, I’d managed to calm myself down. It was after nine, and when I walked up the street, I could see Zeke sitting on the front step waiting for me. In his hand was the mail, and as I drew nearer, he held up two envelopes that I was pretty sure held our exam results. They were the last thing I cared about. Knowing I got good enough grades for my top school choice would just compound the feeling of hopelessness I already had going on. I didn’t want to face that knowledge, but I also didn’t want to face telling Zeke everything that was going on. I’d already had Luke throw all of my upset in my face. I didn’t need Zeke making light of my situation as well.

So, as I approached, I fixed a smile on my face and tried to act casual.

“I thought we should open these together.” He didn't say anything about the surfboard under my arm, but I saw his eyes moving over me, taking everything in. “Nice to see you’re feeling better.”

The way he said it told me that he knew I’d been full of shit lately, and I could hear the tightness in his voice. It made me realise that by focusing only on how I was feeling, I’d been shutting him out of my life. I didn’t know if that was a good thing, or even if time away from Zeke was something I actually wanted. But when I looked into his eyes and saw that he was hurt, I felt a pang of guilt and wondered if perhaps I really was being a spoilt brat like Luke insinuated.

The only thing I really knew for sure was that I felt like absolute shit.

“Come on in,” I said, propping the board up against the wall in the entryway before kicking off my slip ons and heading into the kitchen barefoot. It was already quite warm and the cool of the granite tiles felt good beneath my feet. I took out a glass then looked back at Zeke. “Water?”

“I’m fine thanks.” I filled my glass and drank thirstily, still feeling awful about my fight with Luke plus my run in with the Wannabes – they were such arseholes.

I didn’t know if I was capable of any more confrontation, but knew it was coming as I watched Zeke drop the mail on the table as if he didn’t even care about his exam results when I knew he did.

He turned to me. “Since when did you start surfing again?”

I shrugged. “Since the bonfire, I guess. It’s no big deal.”

“It is if you’re well enough to go surfing but not well enough to talk to your friends. What’s going on with you, Dawn? Is it because I’ve been hanging out with Shea? Because if it is, I don’t know what to say. You’re the one who suggested she do the course with me. And it’s not like I’m dating her. If anything, she spends most of her time talking about you.”

I didn’t want to know what he and Shea did together.

“It’s got nothing to do with Shea.”

He walked back into the kitchen and stood in front of me, his dark eyes looking down at me intently. “Is it because of what happened up at the lookout?”

My stomach twisted slightly, and I shifted on my feet. “Partly. I...I feel awkward about it. Embarrassed. I...I’m still a...I’ve never...” I hated admitting something I was fairly sure he knew. But, the way he looked at me made me feel the need to explain. “I’m still a virgin, Zeke. I wasn’t ready for where that was going. And honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for where that was going.”

Slowly he let out his breath, his eyes looking genuinely surprised by my admission. “Jesus, Dawn. I didn’t realise. I’m sorry. I never would have done that if...Shit.” He shook his head apologetically, and I wondered how the person who was supposed to be my best friend didn’t realise that I was still a virgin. When had he seen me dating someone? He knew how I felt about hooking up. It’s part of the reason I felt so awful about what was going on with Shea.

Folding my arms across my chest, I looked down, frowning. “Listen, I get that Shea is all about free love. And maybe you think it’s a pretty sweet idea too. But, when you told me that you wished you’d kissed me, I kind of thought it was about just kissing me and not Shea as well.”

“It was just a game, Dawn,” he pleaded, reaching his hands out and taking a hold of my upper arms. “And I do want to kiss you. I want to kiss you a lot, actually. But, I have to admit that I’m worried about turning our friendship into a relationship. I think it’s a bad idea to get too serious until we’re sure we can work out, especially since we start Uni soon.”

I didn’t want to talk about Uni. I didn’t even want to think about it. I just wanted things back the way they were. I wanted to go back to the beginning of the summer and forget all of the awkwardness and upset. It was too much. Honestly, I just wanted someone to hold me.

“What does all that even mean?” I looked up into his dark eyes, feeling more confused than ever and completely, utterly lost. I wanted to cry. I felt so incredibly alone.

Lifting his hand, he gently brushed his knuckles against my cheeks. I closed my eyes, craving the touch, craving kindness. Then he leaned down and kissed me. I responded instantly, my mouth opening, my tongue moving as my stomach skittered hopefully while my mind tried to chase all of my horrid thoughts away.

“All this just means that we keep an open mind and see where our feelings take us, one day at a time.”

My inexperience and neediness had me nodding, and his knowledge of my attraction to him had him smiling. He had me completely wrapped around his finger. I was so desperate for someone to want me, and I so desperately wanted that someone to be him. It meant that maybe all wasn’t lost after all. Perhaps I was just being overly dramatic the way Luke had said...

“I have to go. But, can we talk later?”

He kissed me again and I nodded, my hands struggling to release him as he moved to leave. “Wait, what about your results?”

He grinned, and I wondered if he had any idea how sad I was, or if he even cared. Did he care about me? “We’ll open them later tonight.” Then he gave me a wink and I opened my mouth to tell him that I already had plans that night. But then my heart sank and I forced a smile as Zeke left and I realised that after my argument with Luke on the beach, movie night would be cancelled. I’d assume it meant we weren’t talking anymore either. I’d assume it meant I had no one to surf with anymore as well.

Tears sprung to my eyes and my hand dropped to my stomach as it twisted at the thought of my friendship with Luke being over. It felt as though my body physically rebelled against the thought of my world without him in it, and I sat down on the couch, covering my face with my hands and crying anew. I didn’t want it to be over. I didn’t want him to hate me. He was the only person who actually saw me. I couldn’t let that go. The idea of losing his friendship hurt more than his angry words ever could. I knew I’d upset him. I knew he was angry with me. But, I also knew that I had to fix things. He was too important to me.

17

––––––––

“Peace offering?” I held up the DVD and a box of microwave popcorn when Luke opened the door. From the look on his face, I could tell that he wasn’t expecting to see me. I knew that. But I had to try.

Placing his hand on his face, he raked his fingers over his stubble then slipped outside, closing the front door behind him. He wasn’t going to let me in.

My stomach dropped, and my eyes pricked.

He pushed at his hands the way guys do when they’re about to crack their knuckles – one hand fisted as the other pushed against it – but he didn’t produce any sound. It was more like he was wringing his hands in discomfort. I took a step backward, knowing what he was about to say, not really wanting to hear it.

Clearing his throat, he started. “Listen, I...I really don’t think this is such a great idea anymore.”

I nodded slowly then forced the lump in my throat away with a swallow. “Which part? The movie night, or our friendship?”

His hand lifted and ran across his facial hair again. He struggled to meet my eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe both.”

Blinking rapidly, I tried to keep my calm. “I’m sorry about this morning, Luke. I never meant...”

“It’s not just that. We’re just...” He pulled at his lip with his teeth and finally met my eyes properly, shaking his head as he looked at me – I mean really looked at me, as if he was seeing all of me, even my soul. “You’re only eighteen, Dawn. This isn’t right.”

“Why does that have to matter?”

“Because I’m a thirty-five year old man who is spending way too much time with you.”

“I thought you liked spending time with me.”

“I do, Dawn. I like it way too much; I’m almost old enough to be your father.”

“You’re only thirty-five.”

“And you’re eighteen, Dawn. Can’t you see what a problem that is?”

With our eyes locked, I could see the torment swirling in his eyes. I wanted to hug him and shake him at the same time. He was turning me away when I knew he didn’t really want to. I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to fight for me. I wanted him to be the one who was always there for me no matter what.

“You’re worried about how it looks, aren’t you?”

Letting his breath out, he swiped his hands over the top of his head then gripped his neck. “I don’t know. Maybe. It’s a small town. People talk, and I’ve got a son to worry about. I need to think about him before anything else.”

Looking down at my feet, I slowly nodded, pressing my lips together as I took a calming breath through my nose. I couldn’t argue with that. Luke was the kind of father we all wished we had – one who cared and did what was best for their child. Sam was undoubtedly the most important person in his life, and I couldn’t argue about what was best for him. If Luke saw our friendship as a problem for his son then as much as I hated the idea of not spending time with him, I had to accept it. Sam had lost his mother, and Luke had lost his wife. I didn’t want to make their life harder, even if they made my life better, even if I needed someone too.

“I’ll go then,” I said finally. “But, you should have these anyway. Maybe you can watch the movies on your own or something.” I held out the DVD and the box of popcorn, and when he didn’t take it, I placed it on the old wrought iron table that sat on his front porch.

“I’m sorry, Dawn,” he said as I turned away to leave, and I stopped before I left the enclosed porch and rested my head against the pole that reached up to the roof and was decorated with climbing vines that had wrapped their way around the railings.

I smiled at him, even though leaving made me feel incredibly sad, lost and lonely. “You know, one thing I’ve learnt living in this town is to ignore what other people think. Fitting in isn’t everything, and sometimes, when you’re different, you manage to find the most unlikely friends. Sometimes they’re older. Sometimes they’re younger. And sometimes they’re the exact same age. Friendship doesn’t seem to care about age much. It’s only people who do. I’m really going to miss you, Luke.” With that, I turned and made my way down the stairs of his home, inhaling the richness of the soil in his garden and the sweetness of the flowers that grew there, and I understood why he always smelled so good.

I glanced back once and waved, seeing him still standing on the porch watching me leave. Then I walked back home with a heavy heart, fighting tears in my eyes.

***

The sun normally set at around 9pm during the summer, and by the time I had walked from Luke’s house to Beach St, the sky was beginning to change colour.

“Dawn!”

Turning at the sound of my name, I saw Shea jump up from within a group of Wannabes and run toward me. I don’t know why – it was her life and she could be friends with whomever she pleased – but I really hated seeing her with them. I turned away and kept walking.

“Didn’t you hear me call your name?” she asked when she caught up to me.

“I did. I could see that you were busy.” I turned back and glanced at the Wannabes.

Looping her arm with mine, she stopped me from walking and turned back to them. “We were just talking. You should join us. They’re actually a lot of fun.”

Planting my feet, I shook my head. “I’ve experienced their fun a few times.”

“Not with me you haven’t.” There was a twinkle in her eyes as she pulled me toward them, and I resisted. I wasn’t in the mood.

“Come on, Dawn. I promise we won’t bite,” Scott Jennings said, smiling his perfect smile as he sat on the top of the bench in only a set of board shorts.

“I’m sure you won’t. I just really want to go home. It’s been a long day.”

“You could always hang out with us. We’re heading down to the beach later. Gonna set up sleeping bags and sleep out, watching for some comets that are supposed to come down.”

Shea turned to me and grabbed both of my hands. “It’s supposed to be beautiful, Dawn. Please come with us.”

“I don’t think so. You have fun though.” I gave them a wave then left, feeling strange to have Scott Jennings invite me like that. We’d never talked much before. He had no reason to want me there, so I assumed I was only invited because of Shea and wouldn’t be missed.

“I’ll be right back,” I heard Shea say to them before she came running back to me.

“What’s going on with you?”

I stopped and shook my head. “I don’t know. I honestly...I don’t know. Everything seems to be changing, this summer isn’t turning out anything like what I’d planned. I just feel like my friends aren’t my friends anymore.”

“What kind of a thing is that to say? I’m your friend. Zeke is your friend. And Luke, he’s your friend.”

I shook my head, tears threatening to fall if I didn’t get back my control. “No. He’s not. Not anymore.”

With her eyes lighting up with understanding, she took my hands in hers and looked into my eyes. “I think we should go and talk. Something’s obviously happened to upset you.”

“What about your meteor watching?”

With a soft smile, she shrugged. “You’re more important.” Then she turned back to the Wannabes and told them she’d have to catch up with them another time. “It’s a girls only night tonight, boys.”

They responded with snickers that told me they took that comment in the dirtiest way possible, and I quickly pulled my hands from Shea’s grasp. “What have you been telling them?” I demanded.

“Nothing,” she responded calmly. “They’re eighteen-year-old boys. Their minds are in the gutter. Didn’t they do a study that found out men think about sex every seven seconds or something like that?”

I scoffed. “That seems like a grossly inflated number to me.”

She shrugged. “Seems just about right from where I’m standing. Come on.” She slipped her arm in mine again, and we started walking back to our street. “Why don’t you tell me what happened with Luke.”

And I did. I told her about the surfing and explained to her how much time we’d been spending together. Then as we arrived at her house, I told her about the trip to the city with his son. Listening intently, she led me inside her house, and I took a moment to take it in before I continued my story. I’d never been in there before and their main décor consisted of books. Everywhere. And they weren’t even in bookcases. There were just stacks and stacks of them all around the edge of the room and on every surface.

There was the lounge that I’d seen carried inside during the storm, and there was an old desk and a chair. A free standing lamp. A small kitchen table and a few stools. But other than that, it was just white walled, exposed ceiling beams and books, books, books. Old books, new books, books with no covers at all. It smelled like a library and incense and felt incredibly temporary. As if they didn’t want to go to the trouble of putting everything away properly because they’d only have to pack it up again.

“And what happened after you got back from the city?” Shea asked, as she led me up the stairs and into her bedroom. I told her about back and forth movie suggestions that had been going on for months and that after that trip he’d invited me to watch a movie with him. Then I told her about the argument that morning and how he turned me away from his house.

“Now, I don’t even think he wants to be friends. He thinks I’m just a kid. He’s worried about what people think because he so much older than me.” I sat on the end of her bed, still trying not to cry.

“It sounds as though he likes you as a lot more than a friend,” she said, moving over to an old looking dresser where I saw the bottle of perfume I’d given her during our first meeting sitting next to her iPod dock. It seemed to be the only piece of technology the house had so far. She hit play and this soft sounding melancholy played from the speakers as a female voice sung soft and clear. I didn’t know the song, but I liked the way the music made me feel.

As she headed back toward me, I pressed my lips together and shook my head.

“It sounds as though you like him a lot more than a friend as well.”

“No. It’s not like that between us.”

She reached up and ran her hand down my hair, shifting it away from my face as she looked at me intently. “Then why are you so upset?”

“Because I really like being his friend.”

Nodding sagely, she placed her hands on either side of my face and whispered, “I promise to always be your friend, Dawn.” Then she pressed a soft kiss to my cheek, and I felt dampness where her lips were, realising that she’d just kissed away my tear.

“This isn’t what friends do,” I whispered back, my confusion about my feelings for Shea swirling about inside me, mixed with my upset over Luke, and Zeke’s unwillingness to be anything but vague with me.

“Says who? Is there a rule book on friendship that says I can’t kiss you when you’re sad and help you feel better?”

She pressed her lips to mine, and I took a hold of her wrists. “Shea,” I protested. “I...” I felt trapped with a desire to run and a desire to stay. I was so sad, so alone, so confused. She was making it worse, and she was making it better. I needed someone to want me. I needed someone comfort me.

“You’re so beautiful, Dawn. I wish you could see what I see when you look in the mirror.” Her fingers continued to move along my jawline then down to the soft skin on my neck.

“Shea,” I objected in a whisper.

“If you really want me to stop, I will. Just say the words.”

I thought about saying them. I thought about telling her to stop, but honestly, I was gripped with anticipation as her eyes dropped to my mouth as she moved closer, and closer. I just wanted someone to hold me. I wanted someone to care.

“Close your eyes, Dawn,” she whispered, and I did, just as her lips met mine. I parted my lips at the connection, and she first took my top lip between hers and then the bottom lip before shifting to lightly run her tongue between the seam of my mouth. The way she moved urged me to reciprocate, and I was mimicking her actions and kissing her back. It was different to the last time. I wasn’t drunk. And at first I was timid, but when she slid her tongue into my mouth and it moved against mine, I responded in kind and found myself making tiny sounds as my head grew lighter and my insides tightened.

I just wanted someone...

As the kissing continued, our breathing increased, and I found that she was making the same sounds I was and took comfort knowing I must be doing things the right way. Slowly, we leaned back until we were lying on the bed, side-by-side and kissing with our legs entwined. My hand was on her waist, and her hand was wrapped around mine. She pulled me closer, so I pulled her closer.

Then her hand shifted and pushed up the fabric of my shirt. I felt the cool air brush along my heated skin, and then I felt her hand slide underneath and move higher toward my breast.

“Shea?” I asked, pulling back to catch my breath. “What does this even mean?” I kept going back to her, kept finding myself in this same situation, in this same state of arousal. In the same state of wanting.

She lightly moved her fingers along the base of my bra, back and forth as she spoke to me. It felt kind of exciting, and I felt my nipples harden at the experience. “It doesn’t mean anything,” she answered in a whisper. “None of this does.” Her hand moved up over the cup of my bra, and she ran the tips of her fingers on the inside beneath the lace, brushing my flesh, causing a reaction between my legs. I gasped, and pulled back a little, fighting the feeling that was building inside me.

“But, it’s supposed to mean something. It should mean something.”

“You’re wrong. It should feel exactly as it does. And this feels right, don’t you agree?” She slid her hand further inside my bra, taking the weight of my breast in her hand before rolling her thumb over my pert nipple.

My breathing quickened again as a jolt went between my legs. “Yes,” I admitted in a gasp.

“Do you want me to stop?” she asked, dropping her head to lightly kiss my neck as she continued to roll my nipple between her fingers.

I was struggling to think. “I...” Her tongue ran along my skin then she took my earlobe between her teeth. “I...”

“You what?” she whispered, moving to kiss my jawline. When she brushed her lips against my mouth, something changed in the way I reacted. I was hungry, and I kissed her back with the energy that was building in my body, using my tongue, tasting her coconut lip balm. The energy in me seemed to increase, and as I lost myself in her mouth and took one of her breasts in my hand, she removed her hand from under my shirt.

Slowly, she shifted downward and cupped her hand between my legs, staying on the outside of my shorts. I moaned as her hand rubbed at the gathering heat. It was as if my insides were screaming to be touched and my mind was so caught up that I didn’t want it to stop. And the feeling just seemed to get more and more until suddenly my body jolted, and it felt as though a great throbbing burst between my legs.

“Holy hell,” I gasped, my eyes flying open as my body pulsed beneath her fingers. She’d done it to me again, and I’d let her. I’d wanted her to. I needed the comfort of someone touching me.

She smiled kissed me softly before she withdrew her hand and rested on the pillow beside me. “Feel better?”

“I think so.” I lay there, breathing heavy as I looked up at her ceiling then turned my head to face her. “Should I...should I do that for you too?”

She shook her head. “No. I like doing that for you. I like making you feel good.”

Frowning, I wondered why she liked doing it. Did she get some kind of pleasure out of watching me? Was it a power thing? I didn’t get it. Didn’t people normally want some soft of reciprocation? I shifted so my hands were resting beneath my face as I lay facing her. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Is that what sex is like?”

“No,” she whispered. “It’s only part of it. And it isn’t something all men know how to do. That’s why we need to learn how to pleasure ourselves so we can teach them how our bodies work.”

I curled into myself, feeling a mildly satisfied throb within my body. “Do you think Zeke knows how to do that?”

She shrugged. “Do you still want him in that way?”

My brow furrowed, remembering the conversation with him earlier. He didn’t want a relationship straight away. He wanted to see how things were. “It’s they way I always imagined it.”

“Well, you can show him what to do if he doesn’t.”

I nodded, my mind moving along at a mile a minute as I tried to reconcile what was happening between us. “That doesn’t upset you does it – that I want to be with him still?”

Sitting up, Shea released her musical laugh and twisted her hair so it sat over her shoulder. “You don’t need to worry about me, Dawn. I know how to share.”

There was something a little tight within her voice, and I wondered if that were really true. I wondered if perhaps she was doing all of these things simply because she was in love with Noa and it was what he wanted.

“I think someone should worry about you,” I said after a moment, feeling suddenly sad for her.

“Why is that?”

“Because everyone needs someone who worries.”

She shrugged. “I have Noa, he worries about me – in his own special way.”

I looked at her closed bedroom door, now curious as to where her stepfather was. “What would he do if he caught us in here? I mean, I heard him yelling at you about the boys from the bonfire.”

She looked down at her hands, her cuticles seeming to be fairly interesting to her at that point. “Oh, that was just because they were boys, and boys aren’t very discreet. Men, on the other hand, they like to talk but they don’t need to brag like boys do. I’d imagine that if Noa caught us in here, and saw you writhing on the bed the way you just were, he’d do what most men would do.”

“And what’s that?”

“Exactly what Zeke did, he’d join in.”

I sat up quickly and straightened my clothing, suddenly worried that he was going to come into her room and do just that. The idea of having actual sex with someone like him was definitely something I wasn’t comfortable with.

“Relax,” she said, noticing my discomfort. “He’s not here. He’s off at some meeting or something. He’s staying out overnight.”

Relieved, I encircled my bent legs with my arms and rested my chin on my knees and just looked around her bedroom, noting all the things I couldn’t see from my window. She had an overflowing built in closet with a full-length three-way mirror, and a private bathroom. But otherwise, it was as sparse as the rest of the house.

“You can tell you move house a lot.”

“Who knows, maybe we’ll stay this time.”

I glanced over at her with a raised brow. “You think?”

She smiled. “Who knows? Noa is very...eccentric, and sometimes we find we don’t fit in so great.”

“What do you mean?”

“He has a penchant for married women.”

“Are you serious?”

“Well, he doesn’t believe in monogamy, and I guess it’s his way of trying to teach others that humans are designed for pleasure. Sometimes he tempts women, and sometimes he tempts men, and sometimes, things end very badly. Jealousy is a dangerous thing.”

“Do you get jealous?”

“As long as I’m the relationship and they’re just sex, I don’t have a problem with it. It’s when he dates that I struggle with our arrangement.”

“Does he get upset when you date?”

Her eyes dropped and she smiled in a way that made me realise I was right about her relationship with Noa. She felt more for him than he did for her. “No. He doesn’t. But, he says my jealousy is just because I’m young, and I haven’t had a lot of experience. He says it will get easier with age and more partners.”

I thought about her situation and felt that it must be awful knowing the person you loved was out there making love to someone else at any given time. It would be such a horrible way to live. I didn’t think I could do it no matter how much time went by, or how many sexual partners I had. “Do you worry that he’ll meet someone else one day and bring her, or even him, to come and live with you?”

She answered in a whisper. “I do.”

I released a heavy sigh. “I don’t know how you do it. I see how destroyed my mother is after my father cheated on her then left to be with a woman who isn’t much older than me. I don’t know if I could knowingly share someone.”

“Isn’t that what we’re doing right now? You know I’m with Noa, and I know you intend to be with Zeke.”

“Yes, but this is different,” I argued.

“Is it?”

“Well, yes, don’t you think it is?”

“I think that knowing and accepting is far better than hiding what you’re doing and being dishonest with your lover. There’s nothing wrong with being with more than one person at a time, or even at the same time if that’s what interests you. It’s just society’s view that is skewed and trained to see relationships as between a man and a woman that must ultimately lead to the life sentence of marriage and kids. It doesn’t need to be like that. Love comes and it goes, and attraction can turn into friendship or the other way around. Having an open relationship, and an open mind to accepting pleasure in all its forms just leads to an ending of oppression – an ending of judgement and bigotry. They need to get rid of the rules and just let people love how they want to love.”

“I don’t want to share Zeke with anyone.”

“You already have,” she reminded me.

“I don’t want to do that again.”

Her tone changed. “Then you can’t expect him to share you.” She stood and went over to her iPod dock then shut off the music, her hands on her hips as she let out a sigh. “On second thoughts, Noa isn’t staying out tonight, and he’ll probably be home soon, you should probably go.”

I knew she was lying. I’d done something to make her reject me too. What was so awful about me that people kept turning me away? I stood to leave. “I wasn’t trying to upset you, Shea. I was just trying to be honest about how I feel.”

She turned to me and smiled. “I know that. I’m not upset. We just have different outlooks on life and love. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s only something wrong with denying it. Which you are. You need to figure out what you want, Dawn. Is it me? Is it Zeke? Is it both of us, or is it someone entirely different? The choice is yours to make. Just don’t make rules for others then readily break them yourself. That’s how people get hurt.”

“I know what I want.” I wanted my life back. I wanted to go back to the beginning of summer when my future was still ahead of me, and Zeke was the only person I cared about loving me.

She scoffed. “You have absolutely no idea, little one. You’re still learning what you want.”

Why was she being so mean?

“What makes you the authority on all things to do with relationships? As far as I can tell you’ve never actually been in one. All you’ve done is fucked a bunch of people.”

Pulling her head back as if she’d been slapped, Shea tried to compose herself and released a humourless laugh. “If you’re so sure about what you want, Dawn, go out there and take it. No one is stopping you.”

“Fine. I will.” Frowning, I left her house, wondering what the hell had her so bent out of shape. I wasn’t denying anything. I knew what I wanted, I’d known for a long time. Life was just throwing curveballs my way and making everything harder than it needed to be. But, if I worked hard and focused on my dreams, I could let all of the other shit go and still have it. Zeke had finally showed an interest in me, and I could figure out another way to get money. I could still have it all, I could still follow my plans.

I was going to prove to Shea that she was wrong. I didn’t want her, she was just confusing my mind. Zeke was the one I wanted. It had always been that way.

I wasn’t denying anything.

18

––––––––

“Hey?” It sounded more like a question than a greeting when Zeke answered the door. It had taken him a while as he’d had his iPod blasting tunes into his ears. “I was going to come and see you later. Is everything OK?”

“Are you alone?” I responded, looking at the driveway to see that there were no cars. I was nervous. But, I was there with a goal. I was there to prove there was still hope. My future could start right now if I’d just reach out and take what I want.

He frowned. “Uh, yeah. Dad’s still at work and mum and Tina went to the city to see some ballet. They’re staying overnight. Why, what’s up?”

“This.” I grabbed his face and kissed the crap out of him, and his arms immediately gripped my waist, and he pulled me into the house and shut the door, kissing me right back.

“Why do you taste like coconut?” he asked.

Instantly, I felt bad for coming straight from Shea’s over to Zeke, but I hadn’t been thinking at the time, I was more intent on proving to her that I knew what I wanted – that I wasn’t lost. I wasn’t thinking about how out of character any of this behaviour was. I just needed my life back.

As Zeke waited for an answer, I felt guilty. It was the right emotion to feel under the circumstances. But instead of explaining or backing off, I kissed Zeke harder, hungrier, trying to drown out the voices inside me that told me what I was doing was wrong. Zeke wanted me, and I wanted to be with someone who wanted me. As I continued to kiss him aggressively, he responded in kind, his hands moving down to grip my arse and pull me harder against him.

I could feel his hardness between us, pressing into my stomach.

A jolt shot down to my centre as I imagined what it would be like to take him inside me. Then I moved to slide my hands under his shirt. I wanted him to take it off. I wanted to feel the tight skin on his firm chest. I wanted this.

I knew what I wanted. I wasn’t lost. I wasn’t confused.

I wanted someone to love me...

With a groan, he whispered against my mouth. “Are you doing what I think you’re doing, Dawn?”

“Take me to your room,” I whispered in answer.

He began to move toward the stairs, still kissing me. “This isn’t going too fast for you?”

“No. I want this. I want it to be you.”

I knew what I wanted.

I wanted someone to care about me...

He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me up the stairs and promised me he’d be gentle. I smiled as he took me into his room and laid me on the bed, kissing me the entire time, his hands touching me everywhere. He made me feel wanted, and I wondered why we’d waited so long. We could have been together this entire time.

He took his shirt off first, and I sat up then ran my hands over his chest. It was firm and smooth. The chest of a person who was naturally slim and kept fit but didn’t work hard at it. It was a chest I knew well, but one I’d been unable to touch in this way until now.

Then he leaned down and kissed me again, his tongue smooth and warm in my mouth. Being with him was everything I expected it to be but better than I imagined. I could feel my body heating and aching in all the right places, and when he took my shirt off, and then my bra before he cupped my breast in his hand, I’d prepared myself for the natural progression of things. He was about to touch me in a way that would make my body quake in the most magnificent way, and it would be better this time because I was in love with Zeke.

His hands moved from my breasts and down to the waistband of my shorts. And despite the brief flash of disappointment when he stopped paying attention to my chest, a nervous excitement filled me as he undid the button and then the zip.

Sitting back, his eyes took in my naked chest, his liquid black eyes looking silken with desire as he hooked his fingers into the waistband of my shorts then pulled both them and my underwear down my legs, leaving me completely naked and completely vulnerable.

He slid his fingers between my thighs, groaning when he connected with my wetness. “You feel amazing,” he moaned as he pushed his long fingers inside of me. I gasped, feeling the first stretches of penetration as he worked his fingers against my walls. In and out. In and out.

Withdrawing his fingers, I let out a moan of protest, wanting him to touch me longer.

He grinned at my sound and moved his hands to the waist of his shorts. “It’s coming,” he promised, and I waited in anticipation as I watched him remove his shorts and reveal to me his...

Rock hard giant fucking cock!

I’d seen photos in textbooks, and I’ll even admit to getting curious and watching a brief horrifying moment of porn. But holy shit, how did those things get inside?

I smiled up at him when he reached into his bedside table and took out a condom that he opened with his teeth then rolled down his shaft. “You still OK?” he asked, his voice soft and loving, even though it seemed he was about to jam that thing of his inside me.

This was all happening rather fast. Where was the touching that caused that frenzied need to be touched some more? Where was the extra kissing and the fondling? Where was the heat that would build at my core? Why wasn’t he touching me the way Shea had? Didn’t he know what to do? He was supposed to be experienced...

“I’m OK,” I whispered, still holding out hope that the good stuff was coming.

He climbed on top of me and kissed me again, long and slow. And my body responded positively, but I craved to be touched. I wanted his hands on my body. I wanted his mouth in my secret places. I wanted him to do the things I’d witnessed and experienced. Instead, he placed the head of his penis at my entrance and introduced me to a whole new experience.

It was called virgin sex, and it hurt like a bitch.

“I’m going real slow,” he whispered, looking down at me as he moved his hips back and fourth a little more each time. “Tell me if you need to stop.”

I nodded, breathing deep as I felt myself stretch around him painfully. I appreciated his concern. I appreciated his promise to stop if I needed to. I just didn’t appreciate the unexpected burning tearing feeling that was happening between my legs.

I tried to breath through it.

“I’m halfway. You’re doing great,” he said, while internally, I was freaking out. He already felt so large, and he was only halfway. Oh god. I didn’t want to be a quitter, but I didn't know if I could keep going. “Relax, baby, you’re doing great, Dawn. You’re doing great.” He kissed me. He stroked my hair. He moved in and out in small increments. It all seemed so caring, and I was grateful that he took his time, but I was even more grateful when finally he announced he was all the way in.

My insides ached. No. They throbbed.

“Don’t move,” I said suddenly when he shifted his hips to thrust again.

“You OK?”

I nodded, looking up at the ceiling as I took a deep breath and willed myself to relax. This had been a bad idea. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what I needed. Sex wasn’t the answer. Zeke wasn’t the answer either. I was simply being stubborn by trying to prove a point. This was the worst idea I’d ever had. I wished Zeke had have said no. I wished he had have looked at me and seen the mess I was in and told me to go home, or better yet, I wish he’d held me. I just needed a goddamned hug because I was upset. I didn’t need...I didn’t need this. Fuck.

I was such a fucking idiot. Who, in their right mind did this? Who threw away their virginity to prove a point? I hated myself for being so needy and lonely and stupid. I seriously wanted to cry. I wanted to run away. I wanted to run to Luke.

But he didn’t want me...

“Dawn?”

“Just give me a minute,” I whispered, holding on to my emotions. He nodded, leaning down to press a kiss to my forehead, to stroke my hair, to kiss my mouth. He was being so...kind. I suppose that was something...

“I promise the next time will be better. It’s just the first time that’s hard.”

“Is it this hard for guys too?” I asked naively, even though I knew full well it wasn’t. I think I was just in shock and was speaking to alleviate the fear I had of the hard rod wedged into my insides, and the regret I already felt over putting myself in this position in the first place.

He chuckled, and it made his dick move inside me in a way that didn’t feel all that bad. “No. But it’s incredibly fast. The first time we get in there, it’s over in about two seconds.”

To distract myself from our own awkward situation, I imagined him not even being able to get a full thrust in during his first experience then began to laugh. This was all so ridiculous. What the hell was I thinking?

He sucked in his breath and closed his eyes for a moment.

“Did I hurt you?”

“Not at all,” he replied. “Quite the opposite. Your laughing is going to make me come.”

“Seriously?” I laughed again, not on purpose, but because I was finding the situation a little ridiculous. My best friend of eleven years was balls deep inside me, waiting for me to be ready for him to move again. And then he was going to come inside me. Me. Being inside me felt so good that he was about to come.

Then it hit me. The reality of what we were doing. We were making love. It was what I always wanted, and under any other circumstance, this would have been the happiest moment of my life. If this had happened at the beginning of summer – at the time I wanted to go back to – this would be my most perfect moment.

Reaching up, I brushed his hair away from his eyes and took the time to really look at him, to look at the face I’d loved for so long, the face that belonged to the one person who had been my only friend for most of my life. And suddenly, what we were doing wasn’t so awful anymore. Suddenly, it felt OK. Suddenly, I realised this meant something. It was what I’d always wanted.

“Move inside me, Zeke.”

The smile left his face, replaced by a look that could only be described as ecstasy as he slowly moved. Back and forth. It still ached, but it was more bearable after he’d given me time to adjust to his size.

Watching him move, I grew fascinated by his expression. I’d never seen him look that way before, with his lips parted and his features soft as his eyes met mine. For the first time, I watched what it looked like when a person came. Just before it happened, he got this far away look in his eyes. Then it was as if he couldn’t breathe for a moment as his whole body shuddered, and I wondered if the release for him in that moment, felt as good as the release I’d felt by the hand of another. That’s when I felt sad. I wished it had been him. I wished he had been my first everything. Somewhere along the way, I’d completely lost my way and let my emotions pull me away from my plans. Sex with Zeke would have meant so much more if he’d managed to make me come as well.

He kissed me when he was done. He kissed me as though he loved me, and I hoped that it was true. Then he pulled out of me and checked again if I was OK. “Yeah. I’m OK. What about you?” I wasn’t OK. I didn’t know what I was.

He chuckled and gathered me into his arms so I was resting my head on his chest. “I’m great. I just had sex with the hottest girl I’ve ever known.” I smiled and hugged him back, feeling as though perhaps Zeke did love me as much as I’d always loved him. He kissed me on the top of my head and slowly, I realised he was fast asleep.

What was I supposed to do now?

His arm was tight around me, and I was kind of pinned to his chest. Lying there, I thought about everything that had happened and everything I had done. What had I been thinking? Why was I acting this way? My head and my heart felt torn, pulled into so many different directions that I couldn’t figure out what I was doing, or where I was going. I was out of control.

I was turning into my mother.

The realisation hit me like a led balloon in my chest. I was doing everything I hated her for doing. I was running from person to person, using their attention to try and make the emptiness inside me feel somewhat full. It didn't work for her, and it didn’t work for me. I swore I’d never turn out like her. I promised myself I’d stay in control. I closed my eyes, trying to fight the tears. I’d cried enough tears. I’d cried enough. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I didn’t...

When morning came, I still hadn’t slept from all the regret that was swirling around inside me, tormenting me and reminding me that I had completely lost my way. The moment Zeke released his hold on me, I slid out of bed and got dressed before quietly sneaking out of the house. The first thing I did when I got home was turn on the shower and try to wash away some of the filth I felt was covering my body. As the water hit against my face, I finally let myself cry. I cried for the little girl who dreamed of an unrealistic kind of love. I cried for the teenager who had a dream to make something special of her life. And I cried for the young woman who recently learned that love was conditional and everyone left. I cried...

I stayed there until the water ran cold and I was shivering against the wall. What had I done? What was I supposed to do? I was so incredibly lost.

Shea was right. I had no idea what I wanted, and I hated myself for it.

19

––––––––

Pulling the blanket a little tighter around my shoulders, I wrapped my arms around my knees as I sat on a large flat volcanic rock, looking out at the dark grey water beyond the point. The waves were practically non-existent as a drizzle rained down a thick oppressive blanket. No one was around; save for a fisherman who was throwing his line in from the beach not far from where I was sitting. The air was humid. The rain was cool. The world felt as miserable as I did.

My eyes hurt. I’d spent days locked in my room with headphones on and my guilty pleasure – old romantic movies – trying to block out the rest of the world, trying to forget my problems. But, even days filled with Audrey Hepburn didn’t help, and I just ended up looking at Cary Grant and thinking it was his fault I was the way I was. He gave me high expectations of a passion that drove my actions, and a partner whose witty banter was even more of a turn on than his looks were. There was something to be said for witty banter – more people should learn how to give a good back and forth. I’d thought I had it with Zeke, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that perhaps we didn’t have that at all. Perhaps we were just so used to being with each other that we didn't really know any other way. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to turn to. I didn’t even know if any of it mattered anymore. I didn’t know if I mattered. If I were to simply disappear, would anyone care? Would anyone come looking for me?

“Dawn?”

I turned my head at the sound of my name, wiping the water from my face with the edge of the blanket. I was soaked through, but I didn’t care. It felt right to feel awful.

Luke came and sat down beside me, he was in his wetsuit, although I wasn’t sure why, there weren’t any waves worth riding. I glanced at him, watching as he picked up a small smooth rock and ran his thumb over its surface while he looked out at the grey sea. His hair was slick with water, pushed back from his face in his usual style, on the ends the water beaded and fell. Drip, drip, drip.

“This is where it happened,” he said after a while, still running the smooth rock between his fingers. He glanced at me. “Did you know that?”

I shook my head. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I had a feeling it had something to do with his wife.

His gaze drifted back to the water. “This was her favourite time to swim because the water is so flat and warm. She’d swim right out to that yellow buoy out there then back to shore. Invigorating, she called it.” He smiled a sad smile, his focus far away as the rock turned, and turned between his fingers. “I like to come out here on days like this to visit her. I don’t go to the cemetery, I feel closer to her here. I feel like I can still talk to her here. I tell her how much I miss her, and I tell her all about Sam, and the mischief he keeps getting into. I tell her the funny things, and I talk to her about my life. Recently, I’ve also been talking her about you.”

A tinge of surprise hit me and fluttered about in my stomach. He looked at me, his eyes clouded with his thoughts. I wanted to know what he’d said. I wanted to know why he felt the need to talk to her about me. I wanted to know what it meant. But I didn’t want to be selfish; I’d done enough of that.

“Does she ever talk back?” I asked, my voice coming out quiet. I hadn’t spoken to anyone in days.

Releasing his breath, he focused on the rock in his hand. “No. Never.”

“I’m sorry, Luke.”

Dropping the rock, he wiped his hand over his face and shook his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Slowly, I let out my breath, not knowing what to say to a man who so clearly lost the love of his life. It hurt my heart to think about it, and after hearing what he said, I felt as though I was intruding on his time with her.

“I should go,” I said, releasing the blanket to place my hands on the ground so I could get up without falling. His hand wrapped around my forearm.

“Don’t.” His eyes stared directly into mine and I felt my heart pick up speed. “Stay. Please.”

When I nodded, he released my forearm and picked up my blanket, tucking it back around my shoulders so the wool would protect me from the cold rain. Then we sat there quietly and looked out at the miserable world together. Two lonely souls, set adrift by circumstance.

“I don’t know how to let go, Dawn. I don’t know how to move on.”

“What would she want you to do?” I asked, taking in his features as he frowned and kept his focus on the water.

He shook his head. “I don’t know. We never talked about it. We didn’t expect it all to be over so quickly.”

“Then ask her.”

He glanced at me, his eyes confused. “She doesn't answer back,” he reminded me.

“Maybe you’re just not listening right,” I offered. “Maybe you’re trying to listen here.” I lifted my hand and gently touched his temple with my fingertips. “Instead of listening here.” I touched my fingertips above his heart. “I’m sure she just wants you to be happy. People always want their loved ones to be happy.”

He looked out to the water again, his face set in a thoughtful frown. I stood up to leave, knowing that he needed some time to himself to think and spend with the memory of his wife. This time, he didn’t try to stop me from leaving, but I wasn’t upset, in fact, I was OK. He was talking to me again. It may have just been a moment, but perhaps all wasn’t lost after all.

***

“Pssst!”

The exaggerated hissing sound floated in through my bedroom window late the next night. I closed my eyes, wishing it were just a cat, but knowing that it was Shea. I was still trying to ignore everyone, but since seeing Luke, I’d started to feel the weight of sorrow I’d been buried under lifted. I’d felt so awful about falling into the trap of promiscuity that I’d been convincing myself that I’d been delusional, and that my ideas about love and relationships were childish and out dated. But, seeing the way Luke still loved his wife after years of being without her, made me realise that people still believed in the kind of love I’d always dreamed of. It was devastating that he’d lost it, but the fact he still wanted her back made me see how beautiful and pure his heart was. He gave me faith in humanity just by sharing his troubles with me out on the point in the rain, and I so wanted him to find happiness again. Luke deserved to be happy. He’d lost so much.

“Pssst!”

Knowing I needed to face the world again at some point, I got up and went over to my window.

“What is it?” I asked, opening my window and leaning out to see Shea.

“Catch,” she said, and without waiting for me to respond she threw a nylon rope up to me.

Reflexively, I caught it, shrugging my shoulders as I held on to the tangled blue and white mass. “What the hell do you want me to do with this?”

“Tie it on to something then throw it back.”

I laughed. “You can’t be serious. Use the front door.”

“Noa is entertaining. I’m not supposed to be seen.”

Finding that strange, I frowned but shook it off. Their relationship was strange, and I wasn't sure I'd ever understand their ways. I was learning to just accept their oddities and move on. Trying to figure it out just caused confusion in my own heart. “Why don’t you just slip out the back? You can come through my front door, mum is out, and even if she were home, she wouldn’t care. Don’t kill yourself trying to climb between two buildings like some sort of wannabe circus performer.”

“Come on, Dawn,” she grinned. “A little danger is just part of the fun. Humour me.”

Rolling my eyes, I couldn’t help but find her demeanour amusing. It was as though nothing in life affected her for more than a moment. The last time we’d seen each other, we’d touched, and we’d fought, then I hadn’t spoken to her for nearly a week. She was acting as though nothing had happened and was just looking toward the next thing to entertain her. I wondered what it would be like to think that way – to have such a freedom in your conscience that nothing mattered for long, to have the ability to simply let go of your troubles and smile in the face of it. I supposed that if I could learn anything from Shea that should be it.

“Fine. But, just know this goes completely against my better judgement.” Then I looked around my room for a suitable anchor point. I decided on the leg of my heavy oak bedframe. That thing was a bitch to move and had four men puffing and grunting under the strain of getting it upstairs.

“There, it’s done,” I told her as I threw the remaining rope back to her.

She caught it with a grin and pulled back with her entire body, causing the rope to become taught as she disappeared from view and tied it off on her end.

“I’m coming over,” she said, reaching above her to swing off the rope that I assumed she tied to the exposed beams along her ceiling. Satisfied that it could hold her weight, she stuck one leg out the window then the other.

“I think this is a really bad idea.” My heart flew up into my throat as I envisioned her plummeting to her death on the ground below.

“Live a little, Dawn.” She swung off the window ledge and walked her hands along the rope, one after the other as if she was a child on the monkey bars. The entire time, I had my hands over my face, my eyes peeking between my fingers, freaking out that she was going to fall. And the entire time, she had a broad smile on her face as if she were having the time of her life.

Chalk and cheese.

The moment she was close enough for me to touch, I reached out and grabbed her, helping her through the window then falling back on the floor in a thump, my hands on my forehead, relief washing over me that she’d made it.

“Are you crazy?”

She flopped on the floor beside me and looked up at the ceiling as well, still smiling. “No. I’m alive. Feel my heart.” Turning to me, she took my hand and held it against her chest. I could feel the thudding beneath my palm. “It was a rush.”

“My heart’s going like that too. Except I don’t feel as though it was a rush. I feel sick because I thought you were going to make me watch you die.”

Releasing my hand, she turned to her side. “You are way too uptight.”

“I’m not. I'm simply careful.”

She raised her eyebrows "Are you?"

I turned to her. "What’s that supposed to mean?"

"I saw you go straight from my house to Zeke's.”

“And?” My gaze flicked away from hers, I couldn’t look her straight in the eye.

She waited a beat before she responded. “Perhaps you're the one who should be elaborating.”

Instantly, tears pricked at the back of my eyes. I thought I’d moved past crying over the disaster that was my first time, but the instant I was reminded, I felt awful all over again.

I shook my head slightly and swallowed the tightness in my throat. “You were right. I have no idea what I want. I should have waited," I whispered. “I...” I turned and looked at her, my eyes swimming as I felt this great need to talk through what had happened. “It was horrible.”

“You had sex with him?”

A tear fell from my eye and I nodded. “It hurt.”

She reached out and ran her hand down the side of my head, combing her fingers through my hair. “Why did you do it?”

I hesitated, but decided to simply speak the truth, she seemed to know things without me telling her anyway. “I wanted to prove to you that sex with someone you love meant something.”

“But you’re not in love with Zeke are you?”

“I don’t know anymore.” I closed my eyes and let out an unsteady breath. “It wasn’t what I was expecting.”

“The first time can be hard. Especially if you rush it.”

“He didn’t do any of the things I did with you. It wasn’t anything...”

“Sometimes we have to tell them what we want, or they won’t know what to do.”

I shook my head, tears falling out of my eyes. “Do you think this means I’m in love with you and I just don’t want to admit it?”

She smiled as her fingertips brushed the side of my cheek. “You don’t love me, Dawn. And you don’t love, Zeke. You love someone else entirely.”

“Who?” I asked, the knowledge tickled at the edge of my mind. I knew the answer, but I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t think it was possible.

Moving toward me, she pressed a light kiss to my lips before moving to kiss my crying eyes then hold me against her chest. I listened to her heart beating and the vibration of her voice as she stroked my hair and spoke.

“First, I think you need to learn to love yourself. And once you do, you’ll see them for who they are, and together, you’ll live happily ever after.”

“I thought you didn’t believe in monogamy.”

“I don’t,” she responded. “But, that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in happy endings.”

***

When I opened my eyes it was still dark inside my room. I seemed to be naturally waking before dawn no matter how much I wanted to stay in bed. Perhaps it was the surf calling to me? Although, I’d been neglecting my board of late and chosen to wallow instead.

I rolled onto my back and stretched my arms above my head. Beside me, Shea was sleeping peacefully. Our shift to my bed had been more about comfort than anything of an intimate nature. We’d lain awake and talked for hours, falling asleep only when our eyes got too heavy to hold open.

We didn’t do anything. We didn’t kiss. We didn’t touch. We just talked and then we slept. Our relationship seemed to be shifting. I was glad.

Rolling to my side, I took a moment to really look at Shea. I struggled to identify what she was to me. I found her to be exceptionally beautiful, and while I enjoyed the things we’d done, it wasn’t something I craved. I felt a natural comfort with her, and I loved her mind and her spirit, and I enjoyed her company.

Reaching out, I brushed a strand of hair away from her face and watched her as her eyelids shifted with REM sleep. I wondered what she was dreaming about and whether it was a good dream or a bad dream. I wanted it to be a good dream. I wanted her to wake up with a smile on her face. She was beautiful when she smiled.

As the room lightened, I slid out of bed and moved over to the window, looking out to the water where I could see the white caps of breaking waves coming straight down the beach. I smiled because it meant you could surf in the cove, and I grabbed my swimsuit and a pair of shorts and a shirt, and headed to the bathroom to get ready.

“Where are you going?” Shea asked sleepily as she watched me pull a jumper over my head when I was done.

“Surfing,” I responded, feeling more like myself just by making the decision to get back on the board.

She nodded and went back to sleep without further question, amusing me that she could so easily transition between sleep and wakefulness that way. I decided on my way to get my board from the wall in the garage that Shea had very quickly become my best friend. She was the first female best friend I’d ever had, and I supposed that’s what made her so special to me.

As I opened the door that led from our house to the garage, I was surprised to see my mother's car was still there. I hadn't heard her come home last night after she said she was going out.

Shrugging it off as an oversight, I took my board of its position on the wall and hit the button on the electric garage opener, ducking underneath it as soon as there was enough space.

Since the wind was good on the beach closest to our house, I headed for the shortcut down the rocks at the end of the street, just past Shea’s house. The world seemed to glow a soft grey in the transition from night to day, turning everything into out of focus shapes without colour. Sound travelled further, seeming louder than it would during the day. I could hear the wind. I could hear the water. I could hear the click of a closing front door.

Pausing slightly, I turned my head to the sound, half expecting that it was Shea returning to her home, or perhaps following me out. But it wasn’t Shea. It was my mother. She was leaving Shea’s house. Her shoes were in her hand. Her shirt was untucked, and her hair wasn’t brushed.

“Dawn.” The surprise was evident in her voice when she saw me standing on the footpath, gaping at her, knowing immediately that she was the company Noa had been entertaining.

I shook my head at her. Seeing her leave that house and knowing what she’d most likely done inside there felt wrong to me. I’d hoped that when dad cut us off that she’d quit jumping into bed with every guy who looked her way. But she was never going to change.

She opened her mouth as if to say something to me. Perhaps she wanted to explain. Perhaps she was going to come up with some sort of excuse as to why she was sneaking out of my friend’s house in the early hours of the morning. But, I didn’t really want to hear it and simply turned away and continued toward the beach where I could already see a few people heading into the water.

Instantly, I felt a little calmer and quickened my pace as the wind rushed past me, whipping at my hair and clothes and making it a little harder to hold my board straight.

I headed to the centre of the beach where the waves were at their strongest, and on my way, I saw Luke’s car pull into the beach parking lot. I wanted to go to him. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to see if he was OK. But, I still wasn’t sure where I stood with him. All I really knew was that he needed space to figure things out. So I continued along, keeping my eyes forward as if I didn’t see him, even though it pained me to do so.

“Dawn.” The slamming of his car door echoed through the morning, and I stopped walking, turning to the sound. Glad he called to me.

“Hey,” I said with a smile as I watched him walk to the boot of his car. I walked up the beach to join him.

“Thanks for listening the other day.” There was a kindness in his voice that I took as a good sign. He reached back and pulled the long cord that secured his zip. I felt a sinking feeling when I realised I missed the part where his chest was bare and inwardly rolled my eyes at myself for even thinking that.

“It’s what friends do for each other. That is, if you’ve changed your mind about hanging out.”

He stood with his hand on the top of the boot, holding it up as he looked at me. “I owe you an apology, Dawn. The way I reacted last week was over the top. I shouldn’t have said all those things to you that morning, and I shouldn’t have turned you away that night.”

I shrugged and chewed at my bottom lip. He’d hurt me, I couldn’t deny that. “A lot of what you said made sense. Even though I’m just a kid, I could still see that. I don’t want to make your life harder.”

“You make my life better, Dawn. And you’re not just a kid. Everything you said about age and what people think not mattering was right. I’m trying to raise a kid who doesn’t worry about what others think about him, and there I was doing the same thing. I was an arsehole for putting you down the way I did. Actually, I was an arsehole for pretty much everything I said to you that day.” He shifted and ran his hand through his hair before releasing a heavy sigh. “I don't know, I guess I just forget that you’re young so I hold you to a higher standard than I would anyone else your age. When you actually act your age, I don’t know, I guess it just surprises me is all. But then we talk again, like we did out at the point, and you talk to me like you know exactly what to say, exactly what I need to hear. And it reminds me how smart you are, and how easy you are to talk to, and how well we get along, and how well you seem to know me. I was an arsehole for trying to push you away.”

Pressing my lips together, I nodded slowly, understanding what he was trying to say. We had a special friendship, he and I, and while it didn’t make sense on paper, in practice, the world was a better place when we were together.

“Did you get any of the answers you were looking for that day?”

“I think I did.” He reached inside the boot of his car as he continued to talk. “You were right, she’d want me to be happy. And, if it’s not too weird for you, she’d want me to give you this.” He held out a black wetsuit with a pink strip down the side.

“This was hers?”

He frowned a little and nodded. “I tried to teach her to surf, but she didn’t really take to it. You don’t have to keep it if it’s too weird; it can just be a loaner until you can save up for your own. But, you need a wetsuit, and this is the best I could do. I’d like you to have it though as a peace offering. I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did.” As I reached out and took the wetsuit, he looked away, appearing slightly forlorn as I held it up in front of me. “It should fit you.”

“I don't know what to say. Are you sure this doesn’t upset you?” He’d said he didn’t know how to move on or let go so, I knew that giving me the wetsuit had to be a huge deal to him. I didn’t know how to feel about it, but I was most definitely touched by the sentiment and wanted to be sure he was entirely sure about me wearing it.

He gave a shrug of his shoulders as he shut the boot and moved to unclip the strap that secured his board to the roof of his car. “Just say thank you and put it on, Dawn. I’m fine.”

“Thank you,” I said with a smile, and he nodded in return then went back to getting his board, while I pulled the wetsuit up my body. It was a snug fit but comfortable, although I struggled getting the zip up. “Shit. Can you?” I asked, turning my back to him as I twisted side to side and tried to free the stuck zip.

Moving behind me, he inspected the zip, and I could feel his fingers brush against the skin on my back as he tried to get it moving. I got a tightening feeling in my chest as I always seemed to whenever Luke was in my personal space. I told myself it was because it was so unusual for him to be close to me, let alone touch me. Most of the time, he kept his distance.

“There,” he said, when he had the zip moving again. “It’s been in storage for a while and was just a bit stiff.”

“Thanks,” I said, letting out my breath as I turned to face him and ran my hands down the side of the fitted suit. “

There was something strange in his eyes as he quickly took in my appearance then looked away. “Looks good.” He cleared his throat and tucked his board under his arm.

I was worried seeing me in her suit was too much for him as I held my hands at my ribs while I adjusted to the tightness of the suit. She was obviously smaller than I was. I also didn’t know how to feel about wearing something that belonged to her. As a whole, the situation felt...awkward. But to get past it, I knew we needed to talk. I’d known Luke for a couple of years, and it had only been recently that he’d even broached the subject of his wife with me. I wanted to know more about her. I wanted to know more about what he was like when he was with her. I wanted to know how she died.

“What happened to her, Luke? You don’t talk about her a lot. I’d like to know about her.”

He looked toward the surf. “I talk about her a lot actually, especially to Sam. For some reason, I don’t know why, I just haven’t spoken about her with you too much.” His gaze shifted to meet mine, and with the sun starting to rise, I could see the green in his irises along with the grief-tinged intensity of his expression. “It’s a pretty simple story. Boy meets girl, they get married and have a kid...Her name was Alexis. I called her Ally. I met her one day when I was in the city. I used to manage a nightclub in there. We dated for a bit then got married, and I moved out West where she was from. Then we had Sam and we talked about moving back here for the fresh air and seaside lifestyle.” He let out a heavy breath and looked away again. “So, we came back to look at houses, bought one. Then about six months later, she died during one of those storms. You know, like the one we had at the beginning of summer when your friend moved here?” I nodded. “Ally was out swimming, thinking it was just a normal rainy day, and it the storm just hit so suddenly.” Frowning, he shook his head. “She washed up the next morning, and...well, everything went to shit after that. I quit working in the city and moved houses so mum could help with Sam. I wanted to fall apart, but I had Sam, so I just kept going, one day at a time. Ally would have hated it if I fell apart because she was gone. She’d probably hate that I still have all of her stuff boxed up in the garage instead of donating to the Salvo’s. But, she’d be glad I pulled out the wetsuit for you. She was always the first person offering to lend something if someone needed it. She was a good woman, and she would have liked you. I know she would have liked you.”

“I probably would have liked her too. Seems you’re a fairly good judge of character.”

“You think?” He smiled.

“Well, you’re friends with me, right?”

He released a short laugh and nodded. “If you’ll still have me.”

I met his eyes and gave him a meaningful smile. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

As we walked down to the water together, I thought about everything he’d told me. His wife had drowned. I’d had a feeling after I spoke to him out on the Point, but now I understood why he’d gotten so angry with me when I stayed under the water. I’d reminded him of what happened and made him scared that I might drown too. “I’m sorry for scaring you that day, Luke. I’m sorry for staying under the water.”

Luke looked at me gravely and nodded. “Just don’t do it again?” I nodded and he gave me a small smile followed by a sigh. “Well, now that I’ve depressed the fuck out of the both us, are you ready to catch some waves?”

“Absolutely.” Then we entered the water together, each of us quiet with the weight of his loss as we paddled out beyond the breakers. I thought about what that must be like, losing someone you were in love with, but really, it was unimaginable unless you’d experienced such a thing. I thought Luke was so strong to keep going day after day, knowing his wife would never come home. He was quickly becoming the person I admired most and I’d hated going a full week without his friendship. I never wanted to do anything to jeopardise his friendship again. He was too important to me.

20

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“I was thinking," Luke said as he towelled off back at his car when we were finished surfing for the morning. I’d pulled my wetsuit down to my waist and had my towel wrapped around my shoulders as I squeezed out my hair and let the drips fall onto the asphalt at my feet.

“Did it hurt?” I grinned at him, watching as he did my favourite part of every surfing session and pulled his wetsuit down to his waist.

He laughed and did exactly what I was waiting for. I tried to watch without staring, and tried to pretend my fingertips didn’t tingle every time I saw that bronzed skin and watched him dry it off.

“Shockingly, no, it didn't hurt.” Luke continued to talk as he got changed. Like most surfers, Luke had mastered the art of wrapping himself in a towel and getting out of his wetsuit and into dry pants without anybody seeing anything in the process. “But it might help you.”

“How so?” I asked as I pulled the rest of my wetsuit off and offered it back to him in case he’d changed his mind.

He shook his head. “Keep it.” The he went on. “I can get you a job if you want one.”

“A job? Like, at The Palms?”

“I can get you something within the hotel. We always need help, especially over the summer season. And the money’s good. It will mean you can save up to pay for your books, and your fees at Uni. I’m assuming you got your grades back already.”

I nodded, and looked down, still feeling a little sad that my plans couldn’t be what they were. But, at the same time, I knew there was another way. Luke had helped me see that.

“You’re still planning to go to Uni, right?”

“I suppose, yeah.”

“You suppose? Dawn, I can’t count the amount of times I’ve told you how smart I think you are, so let’s just add this one to the tally. You are the smartest girl I’ve ever known, and I will seriously pick you up and force you to go to university if I have to. Don’t let a little thing like money get in the way of becoming a big deal in this world. You’ll regret it everyday if you don’t.” He closed the boot of his car with a shirt in his hand and moved so he was in front of me then leaned up against the car as he pulled his shirt over his head and folded his arms across his broad chest.

“You’re right, and I will go. It’s just; I applied to UTS and Sydney for first round offers. Wollongong is my back up.”

“And?”

“And, my marks were good, so I’m likely to get first round offers from the top two.”

“I don’t understand how this is a problem.”

“I can’t afford to live near UTS or Sydney.”

“You know there’s this thing called a train, right?”

“Of course I do. An hour and a half each way.”

“Dawn,” he said, stepping toward me and placing his hands on my shoulders. “If you want something, you have to find a way to make it happen. Looking for problems will only make you fail. Use that big brain of yours. If you really don’t want to commute, I’m sure there’ll be people in need of a roommate somewhere within a half hour radius. You can do this. Don’t be such a defeatist.”

“Who’s a defeatist?” I turned my head to see Shea smiling as she approached us.

Luke quickly released my shoulders and leaned back up against his car, again folding his arms. “Your friend is. She’s...” I shot him a warning look that I hope told him that Shea had no idea about my money problems. It had been hard enough admitting it to him; I wasn’t ready to tell anyone else yet, not until I knew exactly what I was doing, anyway. His eyes flashed with something – understanding, disappointment? I wasn't sure, but when he turned back to Shea, he altered what he’d been about to say. “Dawn seems to think she’ll never do a 360 off the backside. I keep telling her she just needs to get more air.”

Giving him what I hoped was a grateful look, I turned to Shea. “I keep wiping out on the landing.”

Shea laughed. “I have no idea what any of that means, but it sounds like Luke knows what he’s talking about. I think you should listen to him.”

With a smile, Luke stood up. “See, even your friend thinks you should listen to me.” Then he moved around to the driver side of the car and let us know he had to get home. We watched him drive off and waved him goodbye. I felt bad that he seemed unhappy about covering for me, and hoped he wasn’t going to be angry with me again because of it. I didn’t like it when Luke wasn’t happy with me.

The moment he was out of sight, Shea slipped her arm in mine and smiled. “Dawn. That man!” she gasped as I picked up my board and began to walk back home with Shea beside me.

“Luke? What about him?”

“He is...oh my god, Dawn. I saw him before he put his shirt on and even from a distance.” She grinned and shook her head. “He is ripped.”

“So?”

“So he obviously likes you.”

“And?”

“And you obviously like him.”

“No I don’t,” I denied straight away, causing her to laugh. “I’ve already told you we’re just friends. And we almost weren’t that anymore until a couple of days ago. Please don’t do any of your man voodoo on him.”

“My man voodoo?” She laughed at the notion. “Listen, you can deny it all you want, but there’s a reason Zeke always teased you about Luke being your boyfriend, and there’s a reason you’re hanging around him, and why you were so upset when you thought he didn’t want to be friends anymore. You like him. And I don’t blame you.”

“He thinks I’m too young for him, and he’s still mourning the loss of his wife. There’s nothing more than friendship going on. Besides, I’m supposed to be in love with Zeke.”

“And you’ve been questioning it a lot lately. I think you love the idea of Zeke. I think you feel safe with Zeke. He was a good choice for your first time. But your chemistry lies with surfer boy – I mean, man. How old is he again?”

“Thirty-five.”

“Thirty-five,” she repeated. “Take it from me, Dawn, older men are so much better than boys our own age.”

I pulled my arm from hers and quickened my pace, growing annoyed at the way she was talking about Luke’s and my friendship. “That’s not how it is between us. Please leave this alone. He’s my friend. That’s all.”

She skipped ahead of me and turned so she was walking backwards facing me. “Well, if that’s the case, you won’t mind me trying for him.”

My mouth fell open as a sense of panic roiled around in my stomach. I didn’t want her anywhere near him. “Stay away from him, Shea. He doesn’t need your games or your relationship wisdom. He’s a good man.”

A smile spread across her face. “There it is,” she said.

“There what is?”

“You practically pushed Zeke and I to do that hang gliding course together, which, thanks for asking, we didn’t finish because we were too busy fulfilling other...pursuits to take our exams.”

I stopped walking. I didn’t want to know this. I didn’t want to know what they did when I wasn’t around. It was hard enough knowing that I wasn’t Zeke’s first time. I didn’t want to know that’s he’d been doing exactly what I was afraid of him doing. Why was she doing this? “He said nothing was going on between you two.”

“There isn’t. I made it clear that we weren’t an item. I told him I didn’t want it to affect yours and my friendship. He said that you’d told him to, and I quote, ‘Go for it’ if he was interested in me. He said you two talked about it at the bonfire and you were fine with it.”

I clamped my mouth shut, having nothing to say in response, because it was true. I hadn’t meant it, but I still said it. I told him to go for it. I didn't think he would though...

“That’s when I told him that it would matter. I told him you were in love with him and that he was stupid if he didn’t see it.”

I felt betrayed. “You said what? Why would you tell him that? Why would you say that and then fuck him anyway?”

“Don’t be angry, Dawn. He’s just a boy with big dick. He likes to get it wet whenever he can.”

Her response made it sound so dirty and meaningless. “You’re supposed to be my friend, Shea. I can’t believe you had sex with him. If you were worried about me, why did you do it at all?”

She shrugged. “I had sex with you too.”

“What? No we didn’t.”

“Sex isn’t always intercourse, Dawn. I touched. You came. It was sex. So really, you’re both even.”

“Is that why you did that? To make us even?”

She laughed. “No, Dawn. I did you both because it’s what I do. I fuck people, and I have a good time doing it. No apologies. No commitment.”

“Except with Noa, right? You’re committed to him. But, he isn’t committed to you. Did you know he was with my mother last night?”

Something flitted across her features. It looked a lot like hurt. I was glad. She’d just hurt me and now I hurt her. She couldn’t just do whatever she wanted without consequence. There was always a consequence. “He can do whomever he likes,” she said, and I remembered her saying the same thing the last time I told her about him going out with my mother on the night of the bonfire. Not long after that, she’d gotten drunk and taken two guys home that had been the catalyst for that huge fight I’d heard them having.

“Why do you let him do this to you?”

“I don’t let him do anything. We have an understanding. I’m fine with the way things are.”

“An understanding? Seems to me, he’s off doing whatever he wants while you stay at home, giving him whatever he wants, when he wants, and when he doesn’t want it, you act out. You fuck people you don’t care about and you try to make him notice you. You try to make him choose only you.”

“I act out? You think that’s why I’m with you? You think I was acting out because he was seeing your mother?”

I hadn’t thought about that. But suddenly, I thought perhaps she had.

“Did you?”

She laughed, and it was a hollow sound, the bells were gone and it was as if her façade had slipped. “Of course. It’s all a game, Dawn. All of it. It’s just a game.” The light and beauty that shone from her had fallen away, and in it’s place was a bitterness that felt cold. Finally, I was seeing her without her mask, and it hurt me to see that the person I thought was my friend look at me as though she thought I was a joke.

“What are you talking about?” I was growing confused by her shift in demeanour. I’d seen glimpses of it before – this wild look in her eyes where she seemed more feline than human. A predator. But, it was the first time I’d seen it out in the open. I had to wonder if this was really her or if she was cracking under the realisation that Noa was most likely having a relationship with my mother.

She looked around and gestured to the world around her. “All of this. You. Me. Zeke. Him. Your mother, and the woman who runs the flower shop. It’s all a game. It’s what Noa and I do. We fuck around. We mess with people’s lives and then we leave. But we always, always leave together. And we laugh at you all for believing in love and fairy tales, and all that bullshit you’re looking for. It makes it so easy, Dawn. You’re naivety, it made you so, damn, easy.”

I couldn’t help it. My hand flew up and slapped hard against her cheek. Her head snapped to the side and immediately, a red bloom took over her smooth golden skin. She laughed at me.

All at once I was seeing her for who she was – an insecure girl who was trying to get the attention of her father figure by any means possible. She was playing games with people’s feelings. And so was he. It was kind of sick.

For a long time, I just glared at her, while she continued to laugh, and when I finally spoke, my voice held none of the anger I thought it would. Instead, it held pity. “I’d wanted to be your friend, Shea. And if I’m honest with myself, I didn’t mind the idea of being your lover. If all of this was just a game – a game for you and Noa to laugh about – then I feel so incredibly sorry for the both of you, and I feel sad for your soul. Using people like that, Shea, it just turns your soul black. Do me a favour – you don’t call me, and I won’t call you.”

“Zeke doesn’t love you. He just fucked you because I told him to.” Her response was like a twist to the knife she’d already plunged into my chest. But, I refused to become upset. I simply pressed my lips together and forced a smile.

“Goodbye, Shea,” I said, then I turned and walk away and with every step, it felt as though my heart broke in my chest as her words really sunk in. I’d been so jealous of her, so enamoured by her easy way with others. I’d watched her with childlike wonder and felt empowered by her attentions. It had all been a cruel joke. I didn’t understand how someone else could find sport in treating other people that way. Even worse, I couldn’t understand how I could be so easily duped. She’d really made me feel as though I was someone special. Now, I just felt like a fool, and worse, I didn’t know who to trust. Did I trust Shea, or did I trust Zeke? I so wanted her to be wrong. I wanted everything she said to have been a lie. I wanted Zeke to want me, not her. I wanted him to have chosen me, not because he was told to, but because he actually wanted something real with me, just like I’d always wanted from him. I didn’t know what to believe anymore. I wanted answers. For once, I wanted to know, I wanted to know everything that had been going on behind my back. I was tired of being played for a fool. I needed to find out exactly who my friends were, once and for all.

21

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Rushing through the door, intent on getting out of my swimsuit so I could go and question Zeke, I almost walked straight past my mother. She was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee in front of her, freshly showered and dressed impeccably. Had I not seen her walk of shame with my own eyes, I would never have known she’d spent last night being entertained by a certain Belgian while his stepdaughter pretended to be my best friend for fun.

“I need to talk to you,” my mother said, her legs crossed elegantly in front of her. She reminded me of her old self. The one I hadn't seen in a long time. The one who was married to my father. She wore tailored white pants and a sapphire blue silk sleeveless blouse. Perfect hair. Perfect make-up. I was instantly concerned.

“Can it wait until I've had a shower?” I gestured to the fact that I was standing in my swimming costume with a towel wrapped around my waist, having left the board and wetsuit in the entry on the way in.

“I’d like to talk to you now.”

“What's going on?” Her voice had been stern, and there was no ‘petal’ attached to it. I knew whatever she had to say wasn’t going to be good.

She gestured for me to take a seat, and I did, thinking for a moment she was going to tell me that someone had died. Perhaps that would have been better than what she really had to say.

She took a deep breath. “I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been spending a lot of time with Mr Dumont from next door.”

“I have noticed,” I responded. I'd only seen evidence of her with him a couple of times, but spending time with him would certainly explain her almost constant absence from the house of late. “You’re dating him?”

She nodded.

“Is it serious?”

“Yes,” she said in a whisper, her cheeks blooming with a blush of what I thought might be love on her side. I wondered if she knew about his ideologies. I wondered if she knew she was likely a pawn in a sadistic game between stepfather and stepdaughter. “Noa would like me to go away with him when he leaves at the end of the summer.”

“He’s leaving?”

“Yes. I would've thought Shea had told you. They were just renting next door for the summer. He travels most of the year for work, and with you away at university, I have the time to travel too.”

“And what about Shea? Is she going with you?”

She shook her head and looked confused. “Why would she? She’s eighteen now. I’d assume she’s going to get a job or go and study. Noa certainly never mentioned her joining us.”

“So, you’re just going to run away with him? What do you know about Noa, mum?”

She smiled like a schoolgirl in love. “That he’s a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady. He’s a professor of anthropology – the top of his field too. He travels around lecturing and writing papers for top tier journals. It's very exciting. And best of all, he’s honest.”

“Honest? What do you know about his beliefs?”

She shook her head. “What are you talking about?”

“The fact that he doesn't believe in monogamy. That he and Shea have been in an open relationship for some time now.”

“Don't be ridiculous, Dawn. He is not having a relationship with his stepdaughter. If she told you that, then I’m afraid it’s because she’s not entirely stable. Noa told me all about her. She’s been quite a handful for him ever since her mother died. She has sex with anything that moves. He’s even thought about having her committed for her own protection. I think I should have warned you about her before you became too friendly. I hope she hasn’t led you astray.”

“This is just a game, mum. To the both of them, toying with us is just a game.”

“A game? Don’t be so ridiculous. You’ve obviously been spending too much time with that girl. She’s filling your head with lies.”

I actually felt as though my head was going to burst. “But I saw them with my own eyes, mum.”

“Saw who?”

“Noa and Shea.”

“No. You didn’t.” She laughed dismissively.

“He was fucking her.”

She stood up from the table. “I don’t have to listen to this. That girl has obviously filled your head with her madness. I suggest you end that friendship, toute suite, before she drags you down to her level.”

“I can’t believe you’re reacting like this. Why would I lie? What motivation do I have to ruin this for you? I’m simply concerned that you’re choosing a man who isn’t being honest with you after what you went through with dad.”

“He is honest, Dawn. After the string of women your father hid from me, it’s refreshing to know that Noa won’t lie about it.”

“So you do know.”

“That he practised an open marriage with Shea’s mother? Yes.”

“And you’re fine with that?”

“Honestly? Yes, I think I am. It’s really no different to what your father did, only this time, I’ll know upfront and I can see whomever I choose as well.” She smiled. “It’s...refreshing.”

“This is crazy.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was like I’d fallen down the rabbit hole and everyone had gone completely mad.

“No. It’s ideal. Humans aren’t meant to be monogamous.”

I did my best not to roll my eyes. "So I've heard."

She looked at her watch. “I’ve got to get going. Noa and I will be gone for the weekend. We’re going for a drive along the Great Ocean Road so he can see the coastline before we fly out next month. And there’s so much to organise. I’m going to put this place on the market to help pay for your university expenses. Noa promised he’d take care of me, but I can’t expect him to take care of you too. So this is my way of making sure you’re set.” She walked over and placed her hand on my cheek, tilting my head up slightly as she smiled down at me. “Looks like we’ve landed on our feet after all, petal. I told you I’d fix this for you.” She opened her purse and counted out six fifty dollar notes then placed them on the table in front of me.

“I don't want his money.”

“It’s not his. I sold my rings to get us through. You’ll be set once the house is sold. I already spoke to the bank manager about setting up a university fund for you. And once Noa and I are married, I’ll never have to worry again, he’s incredibly wealthy you know.”

“What? Wait – you didn’t say anything about getting married.”

“I didn’t? Oh, I thought that was the first thing I said.”

“I’m fairly sure I would have remembered that one.”

She giggled – giggled, and waved her hand at me dismissively as she began to head out the door. “Oh, well, we are. I’ll give you the details when I have them. I’m so happy, Dawn,” she said with a sigh then she headed out the door, leaving me reeling. Although, I wasn’t surprised. All she wanted was some guy to pick up the pieces for her, and I guess that’s exactly what she got. I felt so saddened by it all as I stood there, wondering what was the truth and what was fiction. Was Shea telling the truth about it being a game, or had she said all that just to hurt my feelings? Was my mother seriously marrying some guy after knowing him for little more than a month? And what would happen if Shea was right and it was a game? Would my mother completely fall apart again? And where would all of that leave me?

My head was spinning, and I felt sick. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to believe. Was it my mum? Was Shea mad? Or was my mother delusional? Both seemed highly possible in that moment. Nothing made sense to me anymore. I felt as though the only person who could help me make sense of everything was Zeke. He’d been my friend for longer than anyone else, and I knew him well enough to know when he was lying.

22

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“Hey. Where the hell have you been hiding? I’ve been worried about you since we, you know. Are you OK?” Zeke ran his hand through his too long hair and held it back from his face set with worry.

“I just needed to...process.” So much was happening, and it was all going too fast. I was struggling to keep up, and more than anything, I wanted to scream at the world and tell it to stop. All my life, I’d been wanting to get to this moment – when school was over and Zeke would want me. And now that it was here, it felt clouded and confused. I didn't know if it was because of Shea, or because of my parents, or if it was just me. But, this summer hadn't been any of what I expected. This summer I was becoming the mess of the century.

“You don’t regret anything do you?”

I shook my head. "I don't know. Did you have sex with Shea?"

His expression fell. "Jesus. Come inside. We can talk in my room.” He took me by the hand and pulled me into his house before leading me upstairs. The moment we got up there, he sat on the end of his bed and wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging me to him, his head against my ribs as he held on tight. “I don’t want to lose our friendship over this, Dawn.”

My fingers went into his hair. The dark glossy mess that I’d longed to run my fingers through for so many years. I still had such affection for him. He was all I’d ever wanted, and all I wanted in this moment was for him to tell me that Shea lied. I would have believed him. I didn’t want it to be true. But I knew that for once, I needed the absolute truth. I needed to start seeing people for who they were and not who I wanted them to be.

“You’re not going to lose me. Just answer the question. Did you have sex with her or not?”

He looked up at me, his eyes serious. “Yes.”

Nodding, I slowly released my breath. “Why did you act like nothing happened?”

“We agreed not to tell you. It was just something that happened. It wasn't like being with you.” He stood up and took my face in his hands. “Being with you was amazing, Dawn.”

I laughed, finding that hard to believe.

“I mean it, Dawn. It was special.” As if to prove it to me, he lowered his head and took my mouth in his, kissing me slowly, but with intent. It felt nice and pulled at the longing inside my heart. “You’re all I’ve been able to think about ever since.”

His kiss deepened and I so wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that all the things Shea had said weren’t true and that she was lashing out in anger because maybe she’d already found out that Noa had proposed to my mum. Maybe she was trying to hurt me because she was hurting. And maybe, if I just let him, Zeke would make me feel better, just like Shea had made me feel better when I was upset about my fight with Luke.

I let out a sigh as I thought about Luke, and the way he was always there for me. Always ready to listen to me talk, always willing to spend time with me and share my interests.

Then Zeke turned us around so he could lower me to the bed and climb on top. I opened my eyes and tried to focus on him – the face I’d always wanted in my life, and I tried to find that part of me, tried to find the happiness that comes with getting everything you ever wanted. But I struggled to find it. Even though I kept looking.

I wasn’t as nervous this time, and he spent more time touching me than he had the first time. His touch made my chest feel fluttery and my insides ache with desire. And when our clothes came off and he pushed inside, it didn’t hurt the way it had before. It felt...nice. It felt good, and I found myself moaning, my body wanting that explosive feeling to happen again. But that feeling never came.

When he was done, he shuddered and held himself steady. Then he kissed me in the nicest possible way and rolled off. I didn’t want him to fall asleep again. The moment seemed all to brief and empty of true feeling. And I wondered if perhaps Shea was right, perhaps I didn’t love him. Or perhaps I was just broken and sex would never feel the way I hoped it would.

“Zeke?”

“Hmmm?” He looked at me with a lazy grin on his face.

“Do you love me?” I’d wanted to ask him the hard questions, and this was probably the biggest one I had. I needed to know how he felt.

He rolled on his side and placed a hand on my hip, looking into my eyes. “You’re my best friend, Dawn.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

Lying back, he let out a great sigh. “Does this have to be love, Dawn? I mean, can’t we just have fun together and see what happens?”

“So, that’s a no?”

He shrugged. “It’s an I don’t know. It’s an I’m eighteen and don’t really know what love is to make a judgement call. I know I feel strongly about you. Like I said, you’re my best friend, Dawn. I just don’t know if this is the big one for us. I want to keep seeing you though. I want to be with you more than any other girl I’ve ever been with.”

“What about Shea? Do you still want to be with her?”

He blew out his breath. “Jesus, Dawn. You’re full of tough questions today. I...I don’t know how to answer that. I mean, was it good with Shea – yeah – but, it was just sex. There wasn’t any feeling involved. It’s different when you feel something.”

A sudden sadness hit me in my chest as I realised I’d done the same thing. I’d done things with Shea without feeling any real emotion for her – just like the boys from the bonfire, and I’m guessing just like many partners before us.

“And there’s feeling with me?”

With a curious look on his face he chuckled slightly. “Of course there is, Dawn. You’re my best friend.”

I didn’t know what that meant. Did it mean that he was more attracted to me, or that he just felt more because he knew me so well? But then, did he know me? And did I know him? If he was my best friend, why didn’t it feel special for me? It felt good, but then, it had felt good with Shea too. And I had began to see her as a best friend of sorts before she’d unloaded that whole game thing on me earlier. So was that just how it was? Sex felt...good with both, but slightly disappointing at the same time? Or was I just doing it wrong?

I watched Zeke as his eyelids grew heavy, and my mind kept turning, trying to figure this whole love and sex thing out.

“Did you know that Shea was having a relationship with her stepdad?”

Suddenly, his eyes popped open and he seemed wide awake. “No kidding?”

I nodded. “I saw them through the window of my room.”

“Doing...” he pointed between our bodies. “What we just did.”

Again, I nodded. “She’s in love with him, but I think he was just using her for fun.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“She tried to tell me that it was all just a game.”

“A game?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Everything she did since coming here. She said that she and Noa make people fall in love with them for sport then they leave town and laugh at them.”

“That’s pretty fucked up. Do you believe her?”

I let out a sigh. “I don’t know. My mother seems to think Shea’s crazy and said that Noa contemplated having her committed. She also said Noa asked her to marry him. Why would he do that if it was just a game? Why would they be going away together this weekend?”

He sat upright. “Are you fucking serious? Your mother is marrying Shea’s stepdad? When did this happen, and why haven’t you told me any of this?”

“I just found out today. I’d seen them together a couple of times but I didn't know it was serious until Mum announced she’s leaving town with him at the end of the summer.”

“And what about Shea? What’s going to happen to her? Do they seriously think she’s unstable?” He looked worried.

“I think he’s planning to leave her behind. And I think she already knows. When I saw her earlier today, she was talking crazy. That’s when she told me it was all a game to mess with us. It was like a switch flipped and she started saying things to hurt me – that’s how I found out about her and you. I was angry at first and then I was sad, but now, I’m worried about her. What if she is crazy? What if she hurts herself because she’s obsessed with Noa? What if she hurts him, or my mum?”

“What if she hurts you? I think you should stay away from her, Dawn. I’m seriously getting really worried here.” He brushed his fingers lightly through my hair then ran them lightly down the skin on my arm. It felt nice. “What possessed your mum to agree to marry this guy? They can’t have been dating long.”

I looked down for a moment and frowned. I hadn’t wanted to tell him about my dad. I didn’t know why I was still keeping it a secret. I just knew that it derailed our plans for university so I suppose I didn't want to influence his decisions about where to go when it came time to choose. But, now that mum was getting the guy and selling the house for the money, it didn’t really matter anymore. Somehow everything had gone back to where it was supposed to be, but now, it didn’t exactly sit right.

“Dad cut us off. Said he wasn’t going to pay for me to go to Uni, and he cancelled her payments. It was get a job or land a rich guy. She chose to land a rich guy.”

“Does she know about him and Shea?”

“I told her but she didn’t want to know about it. He even told her he doesn’t believe in monogamy, so she’s marrying him and agreeing to open relationships. I just don’t get it.”

He continued to stroke my arm gently as he looked at me with deep concern etched into his face. “Jesus, Dawn, no wonder you’ve been so distant lately. I wish you’d told me. I feel like such a dick for thinking it was all because of me.”

A laugh erupted out of my chest. “Well, it was partly to do with you. I’ve been really confused, Zeke. My life is a bit of a mess.”

“So it seems.”

We fell silent for a moment, looking into each other’s eyes, and I leaned down to kiss him, stopping when the deep bass rumble of a stereo system felt as though it vibrated the whole neighbourhood.

“What the hell?” he said, sitting up as I moved away then picked up my clothes and dressed as I went to the window.

“Is someone having a party?”

Pulling his pants back on, he followed me to the window and looked down as our street filled with cars, and people were heading in to Shea’s house.

“What the fuck is going on?”

“I think this is Shea’s version of telling Noa to go and fuck himself.”

“I guess it wasn’t a game on his side then. He must really be leaving her.”

“Look at all those people...”

“Jesus. I’d thought she was a bit wild, but this...this is just batshit crazy.”

“I think we should go and make sure she’s OK. She might have been awful to me earlier today, but I don’t want her getting hurt.”

We pulled on the rest of our clothes and our shoes and headed over there.

“Pay the piper.” A huge brawny guy stood in front of the door with his arms folded, blocking our entry.

I looked at Zeke. “I...I don’t have any money.”

“Then you have to take a shot.”

“What?”

A girl with blue hair in pigtails, who was dressed in short black fitted overalls and a striped shirt the same colour as her hair, produced a tray of identical blue shots. “Bottoms up,” she cackled.

Zeke and I glanced at each other warily. “What’s in them?” he asked.

“Alcohol,” the girl replied as if it was the dumbest question of all time.

Zeke and I rolled our eyes and downed the shots. They tasted like aniseed with a slight chemical aftertaste.

“That wasn’t just alcohol,” I said, worried about what we’d just ingested.

“I added a touch of love. E-tards make a party so much more fun.”

She giggled, and the big guy pushed us through the door into the crowd. A burst of papers flew up in the air as a group of people cheered and danced, their bodies pressed together as they gyrated to the pulsing beat that emanated from the large portable speakers that had been set up in the corners of the room. There seemed to more people in this one house than there were in our whole town.

“What the actual fuck? Who are all these people?” Zeke looked bewildered as we pushed our way through people we didn’t recognise as they tore about the books that had been stacked around the room. It hurt my heart to see.

“I have no idea,” I responded, my eyes scanning the crowd, trying to pick out Shea, and trying to keep my mind focused. I’d never taken any drugs before, and I didn’t know what would happen when it hit. I wanted to find her and get out of here before then.

With his hand wrapped tightly around mine, Zeke used his body as somewhat of a human plough to get us through the dense mass of bodies and up the stairs. Once there, we had a better vantage point but were still unable to see her.

“Keep looking,” I said as Zeke looked at me with his lips set in a line. He knew Shea just as well as I did and none of this was good.

We pushed past the people on the stairs, and the moment we stepped up onto the landing, I heard a familiar squeal.

“You’re here!” Shea barrelled herself into Zeke’s chest, wrapping her arms around his neck and practically sticking her tongue down his throat. My mouth fell open and Zeke pulled back in shock.

“What did you just put in my mouth?” he demanded, wiping his lips with the back of his hand.

She pouted. “Nothing bad. Here, wash it down with this.” She held her hand out and some guy passed her a clear plastic cup with what looked like beer in it and she handed it to Zeke who took a sip and swished it around his mouth.

“What are you doing, Shea?” I demanded and she turned her attention to me.

“I’m having a party, and I’m so glad you came. I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I didn’t mean it. I do care about you, Dawn. I care about you so much.” She seemed as though she was already drunk as she spoke then grabbed my face with both her hands, kissing me roughly the way she did Zeke. She tasted of the shot we’d been given at the door, and I wondered what the hell else she’d given Zeke. Her pupils were dilated. “Do you forgive me for being so mean? Please say you do.”

I pulled her hands away from my face. “Shea. Don’t.”

She pouted. “You’re still upset with me, aren’t you? Don’t be, please. Come with me. I can make it better. You know I can make you feel better.” Her voice dropped to a whisper as she did this sort of body roll thing against me and tried to take me by the hands.

Trying to avoid her, I shook my head and felt the first stirrings of that shot within my system as my skin began to heat and my body grew lighter. It was as if I was floating as my eyes looked around the room. Someone pushed past me, brushing against my skin and all the hairs on my body stood on end as blissful skitters raced around my body.

I looked at Shea, my eyes wide, my mind floating. She was smiling.

Zeke and I glanced at each other. He frowned, confusion on his face as he glanced down at his hands and moved his fingers. Slowly, a smile crept over his face. “Holy shit,” he said, moving his hand over his chest then pulling at his shirt. I could tell his body must have been feeling the same blissful skitters as mine.

“Feels good, right?” Shea asked, pulling a small pill out of her pocket before putting it into her mouth. With a sly grin, she took a hold of my face again and kissed me until the pill dissolved within both our mouths. “Get ready for the party of your life.” Her voice entered my ears like a smooth ribbon, curling all the way through me, my skin prickling, seeking to be touched.

Some other girl had her hands on Zeke’s arm and was dancing sensually to the music, running her fingers up and down his bicep.

“Shea, who are all these people?” Zeke asked, his voice sounding far away even though he was right beside me. I reached out and took a hold of his hand, needing to hold on as my mind continued to drift away.

“I don’t know.” She laughed, it sounded almost crazy, as it was bouncing around in a tin. “I announced a party on Twitter and here they are.”

I placed my other hand to my head, fighting to keep my wits. “I think. I think you need to call this off, Shea. It’s getting out of hand.”

Shea grabbed a blue shot off a passing tray, knocked it back then stepped toward me, sliding her arm around my shoulders as she leaned in. “Look around, Dawn. Do you see all this? Not the people – the house, the books, my life? It’s already out of hand. It’s already gone. He’s leaving me. Way I see it, I can go out quietly, or I can do it with a bang. I’m going to do it with a bang.”

“Shea...” Even the sensation of my breath leaving my mouth along with my words was beginning to feel good, and I closed my eyes as a shudder of delight ran through me.

“There you go. Just feel it, Dawn. Lose yourself in the bliss. There’s a reason they call it Ecstasy.” Shea’s voice floated through the air as if it were a corporeal being. It felt like a warm hug enveloping my body, brushing through my hair. I was on fire in the best possible way. I had no worries. I had no cares. All I had was happiness. All I had was desire. There was nothing else in that moment.

“Kiss for me.”

Shea pressed both Zeke and me together, and before I knew what we were doing, we were kissing as though we were possessed and our joined mouths were the only things that could save us from eternal damnation.

His mouth on mine felt better than it ever had. His tongue was the most amazing texture. And his hands on my body felt as though each touch was to my most sensitive spot.

With my head spinning, I could feel his mouth all over my body, his hands stripping away my clothes. I was falling, falling. The beat of the music vibrated through the cells of my body causing me to feel like a serpent, moving and alive with the beat. Deep inside, I could sense my real self, buried underneath the haze, but screaming to get out, begging me to open my eyes and see.

Get out, Dawn. This isn’t you. Open your eyes and get out of there. OPEN YOUR EYES!

It took a crazy amount of convincing from my subconscious, but I managed to get my eyes open, and to focus on what was going on in front of me. And it wasn’t what I expected. The lips attached to mine didn’t belong to Zeke, they belonged to Dan. Dan of the Wannabes. Dan who had accused me of being a whore. Dan who I didn’t want.

The shock of seeing him snapped my mind to life. “Stop,” I moaned, my voice far too quiet as I tried to sit. I pushed his face away, and he was so far gone in his own drug induced haze that he didn’t fight me, but he did keep trying to grope me. As I shifted out from underneath him, I realised there were other lips on me. Other hands. And worse still, I was almost naked. So were they.

“Oh god. Zeke!” Dan’s lips managed to connect with my neck, his hand grabbing at my chest, and I placed my hand on his face, pushing him toward the other guy who was trying to get into my pants.

I needed to get away.

“Zeke!” The panic that rose in my chest helped me stay focused, but my body was heavy as I dragged myself from the bodies I was entangled with. They turned to each other and continued their kissing and groping without me, and I moved quickly, taking my chance but struggling through the drug’s foggy haze. Each movement felt as though I was moving in a dream, and every move I made needed to be deliberate and involved all of my concentration. “Zeke!”

I grabbed the first shirt I could find. It was some band t-shirt that fit me like a dress, but at least it covered me from the pawing hands of the – I didn’t want to admit what was going on, but the nakedness, and the moans forced the word into my mind. It was an orgy. I’d almost taken part in a freaking mass orgy. I thought I might throw up. I thought I might scream. There wasn’t a single thing happening in this house that I was OK with. I needed to get out.

“Zeke!” I had to keep backing away to keep from getting pulled back in. I just wanted to get out of there. None of this was me. None of this was ever me. I’d lost myself somewhere along the way, and I didn’t want to be this girl anymore. I didn’t want this life. I needed to go. I needed to get away from it all.

“Hey, that’s my shirt.” Some guy, covered with tattoos and piercings came toward me. “Give it back.” He reached out and tried to pull the shirt from my body.

“Stop!” I yelled, dodging his attempt again and again. My feet fell from under me, and I tumbled downward, my body jarring as I slid down the wooden steps.

A strong set of hands dragged me up, and a familiar face came into view. “Are you all right?” It was Scott Jennings. “Here, let me help you.”

Of all the people I didn’t particularly want helping me, Scott was probably top of that list. But, I needed to get out of there, and he seemed my only option.

“I need to go home. Please.”

He nodded. “Let’s get you some fresh air.”

23

––––––––

“You’re going the wrong way. My house is back there.”

My words didn’t seem too coherent, and my feet kept sliding out from underneath me. Scott held me up with one arm around my waist, and the other holding my arm hooked over his shoulders. I was losing control.

“We’re just going for a walk.”

His voice was calm, but even in my poor state of coherence, I could sense the undertones and continued to protest.

“Home.”

“I’m taking you somewhere quiet. You can rest there.”

The thing about Hargrave Cove, was the fact it’s a cove. There was an abundance of lush bushland and tall beach grass all around the edges of the beach and all the way up to the points. It was very easy to find somewhere to hide. Somewhere no one would find you – especially at sunset – especially when there was a party going on. Anyone who saw you just thought you were a couple of kids who’d had too much to drink. And they thought nothing of it and turned their heads the other way...

It was how they got away with it...

“Please. Just take me home.”

The alarm bells were ringing, and I tried to pull away. I even managed to get loose at one point, but my body had lost all strength, and I fell flat on my face, sand getting in my mouth, up my nostrils, in my hair.

“Get up.” Strong hands. Harsh voice. Rough grip. He pulled me up as though I weighed nothing, took hold of me and continued to walk. To drag.

My legs slid, trying to gain traction, failing. “Please.”

I landed on my back within the grass, my eyes watering as I tried to summon the strength to push him back. I tried to fight the effects of the drugs in my system.

I pushed against his head when he pushed up my shirt. I pulled at his hands when they pulled down my panties. I pushed at his chest as he pushed open my thighs. Then I cried and closed my eyes, hopelessness overwhelming me as I braced myself for what was next.

A roar.

I cried harder, my hands covering my face as my body went cold. I rolled to my side, praying that he’d stopped.

The sound of cracking bone.

Shivering, I lowered my hands. Shaking, I opened my eyes.

“Luke,” I whispered, flinching as his fist collided with Scott’s face.

Blessed relief washed over me, just as I felt my mind slip, and my consciousness let go.

***

I woke with a start in an unfamiliar bed with a familiar scent on the sheets. I knew it instantly, and rolled over in distress, not sure of what I’d done or how I’d gotten here.

“You’re up.” I looked over to where the voice came from. In a chair a few feet away from the bed sat Luke. He had a blanket pulled over him and a pillow at his back. He’d obviously slept there. He’d given me his bed.

“How did?” I pushed myself up to sit, feeling my head start banging the moment I moved. I winced and pressed the palm of my hand to my eye socket to try and stop it.

“How did you get here?”

I nodded, wincing again as it felt as if my brain was moving around my head.

Luke’s quiet footsteps sounded like someone scraping sandpaper right next to my ear. I tried to look at him and saw that he was reaching to the bedside table where there was a glass of water. He pressed the glass into my hand then lightly touched my forehead, checking my temperature as I drank, I supposed. Then, taking the glass, he placed it back on the bedside and sat on the edge of the bed, setting his worried scrutiny upon me.

“Do you remember much about last night?”

Searching my mind, I struggled to recall anything but fuzzy images. “I...I was trying to stop Shea?”

He nodded, as if he already knew, his eyes looked pained as he watched me try to recall. “Do you remember being out on the beach?”

Shaking my head, I knitted my brow tightly as I searched the haze in my mind. “Scott Jennings. He...he wouldn’t take me home. He...he didn’t...he didn’t...did he?” My stomach turned and twisted as I remembered trying to fight him off me.

Luke took my hands in his then shook his head. “No. Thank god. I grabbed him as he...” Luke’s voice cut out, unable to finish the sentence as he pressed his fingers to his eyes. “Jesus Dawn. I just kept thinking all night, what if I hadn’t been out there? What if I’d come straight home instead of going for a walk? What if he’d...” He wiped his hand down his face, sniffling as he shook his head then wiped at his eyes. “What if I’d lost you?”

Tears slid from my eyes as my chest ached with regret and sorrow. It felt as though my life was slowly crumbling into a pile of unrecognisable rubble around me. And somehow, Luke kept being the one who was picking up the pieces.

“I’m so sorry, Luke,” I whispered eventually, trying to wipe at my tears that were so filled with self-pity that they wouldn’t stop flowing.

“Why would you be sorry?”

“For dragging you into my mess of a life.”

Using his thumb to gently rub the back of my palm, he looked into my eyes with an intensity that seemed to burn from within him. “I would prefer to save you a hundred times a day than to see you get hurt even once.”

I looked down at our joined hands and felt a warmth travelling up my arm, like tiny pulses of electricity that were racing to my heart and kicking it up a notch. Twisting my hand slightly, I moved my fingers so they entwined with his then back into his eyes. “Thank you for being there, Luke.”

He nodded his response, his eyes shining with emotion as I continued to cry over everything that had gone wrong with my life and held on to the one thing that was right.

Then, as quickly as the feeling was there, it went away, chased by Luke pulling his hand from mine and clearing his throat as he stood up from the bed and placed his hands on his hips. I pulled my hand back to my lap, clasping them together, one hand so much warmer than the other and somehow filled with a void from where his hand was.

“The police are going to visit you later. They arrested him. You’ll have to give a statement.”

“Oh. I...I guess should probably get going then,” I said to fill the awkward silence of the tension filled room.

With a frown, he stepped back when he looked as though he wanted to step forward and leaned against a chest of drawers. “I’d prefer it if you stayed.”

“Luke, I can’t expect you to do that. You have a son to take care of. My life is absolute chaos right now. I’ll just be a burden you don’t need.”

“Last night, you were out of it a lot. But, you told me everything, Dawn. And not just about the party. You told me about Shea. Zeke. Everything that’s happened between you three. Your mother and Shea’s father. The way...” He hesitated and didn’t continue. A muscle ticked in the side of his jaw as he crossed his arms tightly across his chest, dropping his eyes to the floor as if he couldn’t even look at me.

A great wave of sadness descended upon me. No wonder he’d pulled his hand away. He was probably disgusted by what he knew. I know I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about it all. This summer had been nothing but one stupid decision after another. And now the only person who’d looked at me as if I was some sort of enigma of this town now knew I wasn't any better than any other hormone driven girl my age.

Wiping at the tears on my cheeks, I took an unsteady breath. I felt so ashamed by everything he’d listed, and I didn’t know what to say. I tried to find the words, but all I found was an overwhelming force within my body that presented itself in a flood of emotion pouring from my eyes. I covered my face, trying to hide behind my hands as my world continued to fall apart around me.

“Dawn?” He’d moved closer to the bed again. “Jesus. Don’t cry.” He sat and gathered me into his arms, and I couldn’t help myself. I cried against his chest, feeling safe in his arms.

“I’m just so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

He held me tighter and rocked me gently, his hand stroking my hair. “What could you possibly have to be sorry about?”

“For the things I’ve done. I don’t know why I did them.”

“You did them because you’re young. Because you’re inexperienced, and because some people who were supposed to be your friends took advantage of that.”

I pulled back and shook my head. “I know you don’t like them, Luke, but they didn’t force me. No matter how it happened, I still chose to do most of those things.”

He held my face in his hands and wiped the tears from my cheeks. “It’s got nothing to do with whether or not I like them, Dawn. But the way I see it, a true friend would have remembered all the times you stated what you wanted in a relationship, and they certainly wouldn’t have taken something from you that they can’t give back, whether you offered it to them or not. You said yourself that Shea did it for sport.”

“Oh, god, I really did tell you everything, didn’t I?”

Pressing his lips into a smile, he whispered, “You did,” as he reached up and brushed some of my hair back behind my ear. When he did it, it felt nice. It felt natural. Luke leaned forward and pressed his lips to my forehead as he inhaled the charged air around us. “You deserve better in your life, Dawn. Don’t settle for other people’s games.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Stay. Right here. Stay with someone who wants what’s best for you. Stay with someone who wants to protect you. Stay with someone who... who loves you.”

He loved me? My eyes flew open and met his. I could see his soul in them, open and exposed, risking everything by saying those words. How could he love me? How could he be so sure? We’d never even kissed. We’d barely touched. I’d done everything with Zeke, I’d given him my virginity and he still didn’t know how he felt. But Luke knew. He’d been there for me more times than I could count, and he loved me. He loved me.

“Oh, Luke,” I said in a quiet gasp, my eyes filling with tears as I reached out and took his hand.

“You don’t have to say anything back. It’s OK if you don’t feel the same, just...don’t go back there.”

Nodding, I blinked, letting my tears spill down my cheeks as I lifted my hands and placed them on either side of his cheeks, running my palms and my fingers down the coarse stubble in his jaw. I could feel the heat of his breath on my face as I hesitated and shook, scared by what this all meant. My lips brushed against his, and it caused me to gasp and tremble as I kept touching his face as if I wasn’t sure if he was real. Could this possibly be real?

“Dawn,” he gasped, my name so soft on his lips it sounded like a sigh.

“OK,” I whispered. “OK. I’ll stay.” Then I pressed my lips to his and the resulting surge of emotion through my body was unlike anything I’d ever experienced or was likely to experience again. It was the kind of kiss they wrote songs for, the kind of kiss that changed lives. The kind of kiss that outdid all kisses before it and made me sure of where my path was heading. It had been leading me to Luke. I never thought it was possible. I never thought a man like him could love me when nobody else seemed to care or want me. But he did want me, and honestly, I wanted him. So much. I just didn’t believe it was possible until now. It was always Luke.

24

––––––––

The street looked like a warzone when Luke dropped me off to get my things the next day. Churned up brown earth and wilting flowers replaced the lush green lawns and vibrant gardens that had been there before. All around, white papers torn from books blew around like the white peaks of the breaking waves in the distance. Broken bottles. Broken garden statues. Broken car windows.

Several residents stood in a group, their features set in grim lines as their heads shook from side to side while they directed angry glares at ground zero – Shea’s house.

Tut, tut, tut. That girl was out of control...

Based on the reports from the local radio station, police had been called in and broken everything up, making several drug related arrests in the process.

I didn't know if Shea and Zeke were among them. Although, I kind of hoped at the very least that Shea was one of them. Perhaps being charged and forced her to take responsibility for her own actions would make her see that the games she was playing were hurting her more than anything.

One could only hope.

“I can wait while you get your things. I don’t mind taking the day off work.”

I shook my head and unclasped my seatbelt, taking a deep breath before I opened the door to Luke’s car. “I need to see this through,” I told him. “I need to talk to them.” We’d had a long talk after the police had come to take my statement about that night, during which I explained to him that I needed to talk to both Shea and Zeke and explain to them why I wasn’t going to continue my relationships with them anymore. I’d spent a lot of the summer hiding from my feelings, and now that I finally knew what they were, I wasn’t going to run away anymore. I was going to stand up and tell them that I was done. They were hurting me by toying with my feelings, and I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. I didn’t want to play sharing games either. I wanted Shea out of my life, and I wanted Zeke to be nothing more than a friend. Most of all, I wanted a relationship with Luke. I wanted something real and meaningful with him. No games. No deception. No sharing. Just us.

“I really don’t want to leave you alone,” he said, and I placed my hand gently on his forearm.

“Scott is still being held by the police and they said he’ll be convicted with my testimony. I’ll be OK. I promise that I’ll get my things, say my peace and then I’ll come and meet you at The Palms, OK? I won’t let them mess with me anymore.”

Taking my hand, he pressed a kiss to my knuckles. “OK.” Releasing my hand, he looked around the street, taking in those few residents who were now trying to repair some of the damage. “This is crazy.”

I let out my breath. "This is Shea. She's like a storm.”

“More like a hurricane. Listen, if don’t hear from you within an hour, I’m coming back to get you. Here, take this.” He pulled his mobile phone from his pocket and handed it to me.

“Luke,” I objected.

“Please, Dawn, just humour me. I’m already of half a mind to lock that door and get you out of here. I’ll feel better if you have it. The number for the bar is in there if you need me. Please.”

Taking the small device in my hand, I held it against my chest then leaned across and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. I saw his eyes flash as I pulled away, feeling more cared for than I ever had in my entire life.

He loved me...

“I won’t be long. I promise. Besides, I haven’t told you what I thought of the The Shining yet.”

Grinning, he ran his hand over the smooth surface of the steering wheel. “You watched it? What did you think?”

“I’ll tell you later.” Smiling, I got out of the car and headed to my front door and punched in the code to get in. Never before had I been so grateful for the keyless entry. But never before had I been drugged and lost my clothes, either.

Giving Luke a wave as I went inside, I watched through the window beside the door until he drove away. It took him a while, and for a moment, I thought he wasn’t going to go. But, after a couple of minutes, he pulled away from the curb and did a U-turn to get out of my street.

A nervous feeling filled my stomach as he left my sight, and I headed straight upstairs to shower and put on some fresh clothes. While in there, I did my usual self-analysis of my most recent disaster. I wished I could forget all about it and pretend it hadn’t happened. But, I was so grateful to Luke for being such a comfort to me. He’d been more understanding than I would have given him credit for under sober circumstances. I’d thought for sure that he’d be disappointed in me for letting Shea put her ideals on me and compromising my own. Getting involved in her world ended up leading me into the most terrifying of circumstances. I could only thank the heavens that Luke was there to save me. He was like my guardian angel. Always there when I needed him. Always ready to help.

He loved me...

The thought had me smiling on a day when I should have been rocking in a corner crying my eyes out.

Luke loved me...

I’d thought Zeke was my best friend. I’d thought we were destined to be together because of all of our shared history. Unfortunately, I was quickly realising that he wasn’t much different to the other guys our age. They all seemed to think with their dicks, and I was obscenely disappointed in Zeke for being a cliché when I’d thought that he was somehow more enlightened. Perhaps that was just me romanticising our friendship. Perhaps it was just me seeing what I wanted to see instead of what was really there.

What was there, was a guy who while spending time with me was going through his Instagram feed looking at models. A guy who while eating out with me would hit on the tourists and get their numbers to hook up with later when I couldn’t see. A guy who left me alone at parties to hook up with a girl he’d sworn he wasn’t interested in. A guy who couldn’t complete his hang gliding course because he was too busy fucking the girl from next door. A guy who let the drug take over then left me on my own. If I could fight it, why couldn’t he?

And Shea, well, it saddened me to admit it, but she was obviously never my friend. She continued to prove that over and over again with her actions. Luke was right, friends would have respected my wishes. Friends wouldn’t have pushed when I grew uncomfortable. Friends wouldn’t have slept with the boy I was interested in. My ideals may have been romantic and a little old fashioned, but they were mine. I wanted to fall in love. I wanted my relationships to mean something. But, instead I’d managed to enter into something entirely meaningless with two people who obviously saw nothing wrong with that. And really, that was my fault. I should have been stronger. I should have said no. I should have walked away. I should have stayed away when I did.

I felt worse when I got out of the shower, weighed with my own confusion and regret over my continual poor decisions, and upset about what happened on the beach. Biting on my knuckle, it took me a moment to regain control as my sorrow got the better of me. It had been a near miss. I’d been lucky. But, it didn’t change how frightening it had been.

Pulling on a pair of black leggings and an oversized jumper, I twisted my damp hair into a knot and went around my room to collect the things that were most important to me. I needed to get out. Luke was waiting for me. I needed to completely end things with Zeke and Shea, and I needed to remove myself from a life I never really fit into.

“Just fuck off!” I heard the slamming of a car door, followed by the slamming of the front door of a house.

Closing the zip on my suitcase, I stood and went to the window, watching as Noa said something to my mother and they parted ways; him going inside his house, and her coming to ours. She didn't look happy.

The fighting continued. “I told you to fuck off. Get your stuff and fuck off with your goddamn fiancée.”

“What stuff? Everything is ruined, Shea. Your childish behaviour saw to that. What in heaven’s name was going through your head? Did you think I’d somehow see the error of my ways and decide to marry you instead of her?”

“You promised to take care of me! Now you’re dumping me for her? She’s old.”

“I did take care of you, Shea. Had you been capable of behaving like an adult, I’d have continued to do so. But your asinine jealously and reckless behaviour is not only tiresome, but it’s becoming a burden.”

I heard my mother call my name at the same time Shea began to scream at Noa and call him every name under the sun. I stepped away from my window and met my mother as she made it to the top of the stairs.

“What were you all thinking?” she demanded the moment she set eyes on me, her eyes wide and angry, her mouth set in a straight line.

“Excuse me?” I was shocked that she was attacking me.

“With that party. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was for Noa and myself to go to that police station and see all the other parents in the area bailing out their children for taking part in a sex orgy next door? I can’t believe you were involved with something like that. I thought I raised you better.”

“You’re not even going to listen to my side of the story?” I couldn’t believe she was speaking to me that way, after all I’d done for her, after all she’d put me through... She wasn’t even asking if I was OK.

“Don’t even try to deny it, Dawn. You may be against mobile phones, but the rest of the population isn’t. There are videos and photos up everywhere. I have never been more embarrassed or ashamed of you. Honestly, I think your father was right to cut you off. We’ve given you far too much, and you seem to think you have some kind of privilege to behave in whichever way you choose. It’s time you found your own way, Dawn. I won’t be helping you either.”

“I was almost raped last night, mum.”

“Raped? That’s not what it looked like to me.” She folded her perfectly manicured hands across her body and looked at me sternly. Feeling as though a knife had been pushed into my gut, I had to fight with myself not to cry. This was the ultimate betrayal.

“This is really rich coming from you, mum. The woman who has slept with probably half of the men in Sydney to try and assuage her lonely heart. The woman who came home drunk and vomiting for years while her daughter cleaned her up and sat there making sure she didn’t choke on her own vomit in her sleep.”

“How dare you speak to me like that? I am your mother.”

“And I am your daughter. How dare you. How dare you! You checked out of motherhood years ago, and I’m the one who picked up the pieces. I’m the one who kept things going, who made sure there was food in the house, and the bills were paid. You are a complete mess of a human being, who can’t seem to function without the acceptance of some man you can be a trophy to. Thank god you’re still pretty, mum, because god help you when your face wrinkles beyond the help of surgery, and your arse falls so completely you can’t get the crease line out. Because Noa will do exactly what dad did, and he’ll find another woman to run around with. Someone prettier, someone younger. And he’ll let you go. And you’ll be alone next time, because I won’t be there to look after you.”

“Pack your things and get out of my house,” she hissed.

I walked into my room and picked up the bag that was already packed and sitting on my bed.  “I’m already one step ahead of you,” I said as I pushed past her and headed down the stairs. “Have a nice life, mother.” They were my parting words as I walked out the door, stepping into an environment that was charged with electricity as the wind picked up and pushed dark clouds across the sun. Across the road, Zeke’s mother pulled into the driveway. Zeke got out of the car and called out to me.

“I don’t care how old you are, Ezekiel Harris. You are grounded indefinitely. Get inside.” He gave me an apologetic look, while his mother gave me a disappointed one. I returned their stares with a blank expression as the first drops of rain touched down, hitting the skin on my arms, slapping against my face. The weather felt ominous, like the chaos of my life.

I took the shortest route to The Palms, along the beach. And as I passed Shea’s house, she stepped out the front door and dropped down on the front steps with her head in her hands. I’d planned to go to her and tell her that I didn’t want anymore to do with her. But she was already broken, I didn’t need to break her any more. And as for Zeke, I’d get the chance to talk to him when things calmed down, but for now, I needed to carry on. I needed to walk away.

It was just a pity they didn’t let me...

25

––––––––

“Where are you going?” Shea came running after me as the thunder rumbled overhead.

“I’m leaving,” I responded, squinting my eyes as the rain hit heavier, cold hard drops of water, slanting sideways, leaving their mark with each stinging slap.

“Don’t leave, Dawn. You’re angry with me, aren’t you? Please don’t be. I was just having some fun. No one got hurt.”

“I got hurt, Shea. You destroyed whatever little trust I had in you with the drugs and trying to get me involved in that...I never wanted that. Never...”

“It was just meant to free your mind so you could enjoy everything your body could experience.”

I stopped walking and turned to face her. “Was it supposed to get me almost raped, Shea?”

The smile fell from her face. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that I tried to leave. I didn’t want to be there. Then Scott Jennings offered to help me. But he didn’t help me. He dragged me down to the beach and...” I shook my head as I looked out at the angry sea. “If Luke hadn’t saved me...”

“I’m so sorry, Dawn. That wasn’t what was supposed to happen.”

“And what was supposed to happen? You had ecstasy floating around that place as party favours. What the hell did you think was going to happen?”

She shook her head, her mouth moving, her eyes wide. “I...I don’t know.”

“You’re actions have consequences, Shea. This isn’t just some game between you and Noa. It’s the lives of everyone your destruction spills out onto. You go around and you make people fall under your spell then you tear their lives apart. There are fucking consequences, Shea. People – people like me – they get hurt.”

She grabbed a hold of my hands. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Dawn, please. I didn’t mean for you to get hurt. And it wasn’t a game. I was upset and I said things to hurt you. Please don’t be angry with me. Especially not now. You know he’s leaving me, don’t you leave me too. I couldn’t bear it. I care about you. I do. I care about you.”

I pulled my hands from hers. “I don’t believe you, Shea. You say now that it wasn’t a game, but in your mind, I think it was. You just do whatever you want and you don’t seem to think about how you’re hurting people.”

“Dawn!” The yell came from down the beach, and we both turned our heads to see Zeke running after us.

Shea turned back to me and grabbed my hands again, talking quickly. “Please, Dawn. Wherever you’re going, take me too. We can be together. Just you and me if you’d like. Or you, me, and Zeke. It can be all three of us. We can all live together and love each other. It could be beautiful. You could have everything you’ve ever wanted, and I promise, I promise I’ll teach him how to be an amazing lover, and if not, at least we’ll know what to do, right?”

Rain was dripping off the end of her nose, plastering her hair to the side of her face as she was trying to pull me toward her. It seemed as though she was completely losing her mind. “No, Shea. What you need is some kind of professional help to sort out whatever is going on in that mess of your mind. You need help.”

She released me, her eyes wide, her expression hurt. “There’s nothing wrong with me,” she gasped. “You’re the one with the problem. You’re the one who is so uptight you don’t know how to have fun.”

I looked at her with my face set in confusion. She was jumping from one thing to another, desperation to anger. “Go home, Shea,” I told her, just as Zeke arrived beside us, out of breath and dripping wet.

“Where were you?” He glanced up at the angry looking sky over the sea, flashing and swirling, kicking up the water in frantic peaks as it pushed toward the land. “When the cops came, I looked for you. But they got me before I could find you. I’ve been worried.”

“I left. Group sex isn’t really my thing.”

He glanced at Shea, who was still standing there instead of leaving like I asked her to, and ran his hand through his hair, slicking the wet strands back from his face as he licked the rain from his lips. There was something in the way they looked at each other – something intimate, something between only them...

I let out a hollow laugh. “You two weren’t a part of the group, were you? That’s why I couldn’t find you. You’d gone off on your own.”

Shea answered for him. “We just got carried away.”

“It was the drugs, Dawn. I thought you were there, I swear.” Zeke reached out for me, and I pulled away.

“Why did you sleep with me in the first place, Zeke? Was it because you wanted me or was it because you didn’t want to lose your friend?”

Again, he glanced at Shea. It hurt seeing the secret look between them. I hated knowing they had knowledge of things that I didn’t. “Of course I wanted to, Dawn,” he said when he turned back to me.

“But you didn’t want me though, did you? Well, not at least until Shea put the idea in your head.”

He opened his mouth to say something then closed it again as if he thought better of it, coming out eventually with, “I’d thought about you in that way before.”

“But Shea’s the reason you decided to, right?” They glanced at each other uncomfortably. “Was this a part of your game? Did you take bets to see how quickly you could get the virgin into bed? Did you call each other afterward and laugh about it?”

“It wasn't like that,” Zeke said, trying to reach out to me again. The sky flashed a few moments before a loud crack of thunder whipped at the air.

“No. I bet it wasn’t. You probably lay in bed together after fucking, laughing about me instead. How long was this going on? All summer?”

“Dawn,” he argued. “It wasn’t like that. Everything between me and Shea was just sex.”

“Just sex?” I glanced at Shea whose expression was a mixture of fright and upset.

“It didn’t mean anything,” Zeke reiterated, and I noticed Shea flinch out of the corner of my eye.

“You don’t get it, do you? It’s never just sex. It means something to me, and it should mean something to you. And the fact that you left me last night to be with her – drugs or no drugs – means there’s something there.”

“Dawn,” she interrupted, reaching out to touch my arm, wanting to have her say. But I was so angry, so betrayed that I turned to her and growled through clenched teeth.

“Shut the fuck up!”

“But, Dawn,” she gasped.

“Go away, Shea,” Zeke snapped. “This doesn’t concern you.”

“Why don’t you both just fuck off out of my life and leave me the hell alone,” I yelled, my words spitting water as the rain passed over my lips. “Leave me the fuck alone!”

I turned to walk away, but Zeke grabbed my arm. “Dawn, she means nothing to me. Not like you do.” He spun me around and kissed me hard. I pushed against his chest, fighting him, but he held me steady, fighting me with his mouth, and when I relaxed, his kiss softened and released me. “I want you, OK?” he promised me over the noise of the storm. “Just you.”

I shook my head. “But I don’t want you anymore.”

He took a step back as if he’d been slapped and couldn’t believe it.

“I’m sorry, Zeke.”

Lifting his arms, he pressed his hands on either side of his head. “I think...I think I love you, Dawn.”

I laughed, I couldn’t help it. For years, I’d wanted him to say that to me. For years, it had been my greatest desire. Then out of fear of losing me, he finally forces himself to say it and all he can do is ‘think’ it. “It’s too late, Zeke. Hearing you say that doesn’t change how I feel. I’m sorry. I don't feel the same way. I thought I did, but I don’t.”

His hands went to his hips and he turned away, took a step then turned back. “I don’t want to lose our friendship.”

“Then don’t.”

He laughed humourlessly. “You think it’s that simple? I should just be your friend and love you without having you?”

I nodded. “It’s surprisingly easy. I’ve been doing it for years.”

He stopped and looked at me for a long time the rain sheeting between us on a slant.

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice you sooner,” he said finally.

“I’m sorry I took so long to try and kiss you.”

With a smile, he nodded. “I guess we’ve both got really shitty timing.”

“Yeah. We do.”

“Friends?”

“Eventually.”

He walked toward me and wrapped me in his arms, holding me tightly as the sky flashed and the thunder rumbled quickly after.

“I think we’d better get in out of this before the storm is on top of us,” he said, glancing at the sky.

I agreed and reached down to pick my wet bag up off the sand. “Where is Shea?” I didn't know exactly when she’d left us, probably when Zeke kissed me and we’d yelled at her to go. I looked up and down the beach expecting to see her. She couldn’t have gotten far.

“Holy shit. She’s in the fucking water.”

Abandoning my bag, I ran with Zeke to the water’s edge and yelled with him into the rough surf, pleading with her to come back.

“What the hell is she doing out there?” I cried, when she looked back then dove down beneath an oncoming wave.

“She’s going to get herself killed.” Zeke pulled off his shirt and ran into the surf.

“Zeke. No. It’s too rough out there.” I looked around, knowing from the lifesaving lessons we were all forced to take as kids that there was no point in going in the water to save someone without anything for them to grab onto. Drowning people panicked and tended to push their rescuer under to save themself. I looked for anything that could float, hoping to come across some driftwood that I could get to him before he went too far. But there was nothing. All I could see in the distance were the lights from The Palms Hotel. “Zeke, I’m going to get help!” I yelled. Then I took off at a run, my legs pumping faster than I ever thought they could possibly go.

When I hit the stairs that led up to The Palms, I slipped and banged my knee, a sharp pain coursing up my leg as I hit then righted myself and kept going, leaving bloody footprints to be diluted by the rain as I continued.

The door to the outside had been locked against the storm, and I banged on it, getting Luke’s attention immediately. The only other people in there were an older couple having an early lunch. He rushed over to the door and unlocked it.

“I knew I shouldn’t have left you. What the hell did they do?” His eyes were filled with anger and concern as he tried to guide me into bar to take care of me.

“I’m fine, Luke. Shea and Zeke are in the water. She won’t come out, and he’s trying to save her.”

Immediately, his eyes lifted to the incoming storm then dropped to the water below. “You’re hurt,” he stated, looking down at my bleeding knee and pulled me further into the bar. He glanced outside again, his mouth set in a grim line as he returned his gaze to mine. “Stay here. Please. I can’t help them if I’m worried about you too. There’s a first aid kit behind the bar. Stay here, please.” I nodded as I watched him remove one of the old surfboards that were attached to the wall for decoration. “Promise me.” I nodded again.

“I promise. Just promise you’re going to come back.”

He grabbed me and kissed me quickly, roughly. It was so fast, but it felt like my chest might explode from the force of it – as if it had the power to change the world. “I promise,” he said. Then he pulled off his shirt and removed his shoes before he took off out the door and ran as fast a he could toward the water.

My heart was in my throat as I watched him through the grey haze. The sky was angry as the sea began to swirl and darken. It wasn’t safe to be out there. I was scared they wouldn’t make it back. I was petrified I’d just sent Luke rushing toward his doom. I wanted this all to stop. I wanted to rewind to the beginning of the summer and make completely different choices.

But life doesn’t give you do overs, and despite the older couple telling me to stay indoors, I went back out into the rain and watched from the balcony, my hands gripping the railing so hard that my knuckles were white as I searched the dark waters.

I could see Shea and Zeke getting jostled by the waves that seemed to angrily slap them closer together then drag them further apart. It was like a dance of the undercurrents and occasionally one of their heads would drop beneath the surface. I gasped in fear each time, wishing there was something more I could do. Off to the left, Luke fought the crashing surf on top of the long white board. His powerful arms dug through the water, and a lifetime of surfing gave him the skill to avoid getting knocked off the board.

Flash. Pause. Boom.

Out on the ocean, flashes appeared in the dark sky, cracking the horizon in zigzag patterns that lit up the water, creating colour where there seemed to be none before.

Blue. Purple. Silver.

They needed to get out of there.

I couldn’t stay still any longer. I went to run down to the beach. The moment I stepped, my foot slipped in the water and blood that had pooled at my feet because of my knee. I went down hard, and the older couple rushed out into the foul weather to help me up.

“I’m fine. I’m fine,” I assured them, turning my gaze back to the water. “Oh god. Where are they?”

Flash. Boom.

Lightning streaked down from the sky with all the ferocity of the gods and lit up the water.

“No. NO.”

I ran. Half sliding as I went down the wet stairs and back onto the beach. Again, I pumped my legs faster than I thought possible as I searched the water for them, my hands in my hair, my heart in my throat.

“Luke!” I screamed. “No. Please! God no. LUKE!”

Off to my left I saw a flash of white within the water and ran for it, stopping when I saw it was a piece of the board. It washed up on the beach, floating at the edge of the water lazily. I grabbed my head, feeling as though it was going to explode as I again searched the water. Where were they?

A coughing sound caused me to turn my head as Zeke emerged from the surf. He was barely walking and kept falling over. But he was OK.

“Where’s Luke and Shea?!” I screamed at him, looking left and right, my vision blurred by the amount of water hurtling down from the sky. “Where is he?”

“I...I don’t know. We were all together then this wave....” Zeke dropped to his knees, coughing up water, exhausted from his ordeal. He groaned and sat back on his heels. “We got separated.”

“Oh god. No. Please.” I begged and muttered and tried to keep calm so I could see. I contemplated picking up the half of a board and going out there to search myself. But then Zeke stood up and shouted.

“Over there!” He pointed past me, and I turned just as something dark washed up on the beach. Luke. Thank god.

There was still no sign of Shea.

I ran, ran to him, knowing his life depended on me making it to him as fast as possible. Then I dove on the ground beside him, skidding to a stop in the coarse sand with Zeke hot on my heels. “Oh god, he’s not breathing.” Tears burned in my eyes as my heart stopped beating in my chest. All the sound disappeared from the world as the surf push his lifeless body further up the sand. I grabbed a hold of him. “No. No. No, Luke. You can’t leave me. You can’t leave your son. You can’t. You can’t.”

Frantically, I put my hands on either side of his head and positioned him so I could force air into his lungs.

One. Two.

“Let me help.” Zeke dropped to the sand beside us and quickly positioned himself over Luke’s chest, pushing his hands down, beginning the count to thirty.

“Oh god, I still can’t see Shea,” I cried, my eyes darting between Luke’s prone body, and the rough surf. As angry as I was with her, I didn’t want the sea to take her. I silently prayed for her to be all right while I vocally begged Luke to wake up. I felt as though this was all my fault. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please wake up. Please.”

As soon as I heard Zeke yell ‘thirty’ I pinched Luke’s nose and breathed for him again.

One. Two.

Zeke began the count anew.

One. Two. Three. Push. Push. Push.

“Luke, please. Don’t die. Don’t die. I love you,” I cried, my hands either side of his face, fingers in his hair. “I love you. Please.”

Cough. Splutter.

Zeke fell back. “You love him?”

It was as if I could actually see the life return to Luke as the blood flow returned and added colour to his face.

“Luke,” I gasped. “Help me,” I said to Zeke, he had a shocked expression on his face, but he snapped out of it enough to help shift Luke to his side, and he continued to expel the water from his lungs.

The sound returned to the world, and I cried happy tears.

“You love him?” Zeke asked again, his tone shocked.

I glanced up and him, my fingers moving gently through Luke’s hair as I nodded. “I do.” Zeke sat back and shook his head in disbelief, and I wondered briefly if he’d always thought I’d be here waiting for him, and that he had forever to work out how he felt. But, like the anchor tattoos we’d gotten at the market, what we had was only temporary. It wasn’t love. It was infatuation. “I’m sorry, Zeke.”

Luke shifted and groaned. “Holy shit. Dawn.” His arm moved so it was wrapped around my waist and his head shifted to my lap. He coughed again. “What are you doing here? You promised to stay inside.”

“And you promised to come back.”

He looked up at me and smiled. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

I smiled in return. “Yeah, but I had to come and get you.”

With a slight cough, he attempted a laugh and tried to sit up. “Did everyone make it?” he asked.

I shook my head solemnly. “We still can’t find Shea.”

He closed his eyes. Devastated. I knew this would hurt him after the way he lost his wife, and I wrapped my arms around him. “I’m so sorry, Luke.”

He held me back tightly, and we stayed that way as lights flashed while emergency crews drove down the beach, jumping out and yelling instructions at each other as Zeke told them where he last saw Shea.

Two jet skis and a red lifeboat were dispatched, the high-pitched drone of their motors now louder as the storm had moved overhead and was now a hard rain.

We were wrapped in blankets and Luke was sat inside the rescue truck as they checked him over and called an ambulance to take him to the closest hospital.

I stood beside him, holding his strong hand with my left, holding Zeke’s smoother hand with my right, and together, all three off us stared out at the surf, willing them to find her. It was a moment when all our differences and jealousy and anger were put aside, and we could stand there unified, hoping for her safe return.

In my mind, all I could see was the girl who was dancing in the wind and the rain on the day she arrived while her words echoed in my ears ‘I’ll let the wind decide’.

As if knowing my thoughts, a gust of wind pushed against my body, whipping my wet hair and causing the woollen blanket around my shoulders to billow about my waist. A cold shiver ran down my spine.

“Bring her back,” I whispered into it.

It felt as though it blew harder. Angry. It felt as though it said no.

The emergency crew searched the water, back and forth, their circles getting larger and larger as we waited with our chests aching from our held breath. We could hear the radio communications. No sign. No sign. No sign.

An ambulance arrived and Luke was loaded onto a stretcher.

“You’ll need to let go of him, miss,” one of them said to me.

“I can’t.” Luke’s grip was too strong, and I wasn’t about to try to pull away. I didn’t want to let go of him either. It seemed too important that we stay joined.

“I want her with me,” Luke insisted, only releasing me when they agreed to let me ride to the hospital in the ambulance with him.

“I’ll let you know when they find her,” Zeke assured me as he released his hold on my other hand, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t want him to take it back.

I looked out at the dark and angry sea and felt the calm of dread wash over me. I knew it was over. “She’s not coming back, Zeke. She’s gone. In the wind, just like she wanted.”

His brow creased as his head shook in denial. “Don’t talk like that. They’ll find her. They have to.”

I reached up and pulled him into a hug, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I’m so sorry, Zeke. It wasn’t supposed to end like this.” Then I turned around and followed the paramedics as they carried Luke up the beach and placed him in the back of an ambulance then gave me a dry blanket when I climbed in with him.

He reached his hand out to me and I took it, pressing my lips to the back of his hand. “Luke,” I whispered, reaching out with my other hand to stroke his hair as the paramedics closed us in, feeling the love I felt for him warming up my heart.

As we started to move, I looked back toward the beach, and I swear I saw the figure of a girl in the rain, twirling about like a child, her hands above her head as her long saturated hair flicked about her like a windmill. Spinning. Spinning. Laughing. Laughing. She had a smile on her face as she tilted her head back and let the rain thump against her skin, and the wind blew through her hair and stuck her dress against her body. Then, I blinked and like a mirage, she was gone. I’d been seeing things.

My heart sank and a tear fell from my eyes.

“Goodbye, Mary Poppins,” I whispered, as the beach faded to grey in the distance, taking the last light of the day with it.

It wasn’t supposed to end like this...

26

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They called off the search about eight hours later. They’d covered every inch of water in the cove as well as out on the points probably a dozen times. My mother and Noa had left town shortly after. But, before they left, Noa had stood at the edge of the water and released Shea’s mother’s ashes to join her daughter. That girl was out of control, the locals said, shaking their heads back and fourth as they watched the spectacle. I found the whole horrible situation absolutely heartbreaking as I listened to Zeke fill us in when he’d arrived at the hospital with my bag of clothes in hand, and an expression of absolute sadness on his face. I’d never seen him looking so lost, and my heart went out to him. He felt responsible for her loss, as did I – she’d gone out there immediately after we’d rejected her. And even though she was out of control, and mostly reacting to her break up with Noa, we felt as though we were the hands that pushed her over the edge, and while we cried together, we struggled to meet each other’s eyes.

Guilt was funny like that. You could live with it, but it was almost blinding to look at directly.

When Zeke left, I rummaged through my bag and found some dry clothes in the centre of everything and went into the bathroom attached to Luke’s hospital room to get changed.

I splashed water on my face and dried my hair via the hand dryer. Then I stared at myself in the mirror, my blue eyes wide and haunted, my skin paler than normal with dark circles under my eyes. A tear streaked down my cheek and I wiped it away, splashing water on my face again as I blew out my breath and tried to get a handle on my emotions. Everything was such a mess, more so than it had ever been. I was riddled with guilt, and anger and disappointment. I felt awful for being so happy that Luke had made it when Shea was still gone, and I felt even worse for being relieved when Zeke left because he was hurting too.

A soft knock rapped against the bathroom door before it cracked open just a touch. “Are you OK in there?” Luke asked.

“I’m decent, you can come in,” I said, turning around so I was leaning against the small vanity that held the washbasin.

“I’m sorry about your friend,” he offered, releasing the door so it clicked shut behind him.

Another tear streaked out of my eye and I swiped it away. “I don’t want to cry anymore,” I whispered, frowning when the tears just kept falling.

“Why?” He moved so he was standing in front of me.

I shook my head and swallowed hard. “Because I’m angry at her. She did it on purpose.”

“I know,” he whispered, reaching out and running his hands lightly down my hair until he was cupping either side of my face. “But you can’t blame yourself. You’ll go crazy blaming yourself. Believe me, I know what that’s like.”

“I’m so sorry for putting you through this, Luke.” I felt as though I was forcing him to relive losing his wife. “I’m just...I’m so, so sorry. You almost died and...and...I’m sorry.” Tears were pouring down my cheeks, wetting his hands as he tried to wipe them away for me.

“Dawn,” he said, his voice calm and soft as he waited for me to calm down and meet his eyes. “I love you too.”

“You. What?” That was the last thing I expected him to say in that moment.

“I heard you say it to me on the beach, and I want you know that I love you, and that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, because it’s love that’s going to get you through this. Together, we’ll be OK.”

His mouth closed on mine, and I quickly relaxed into it and released a contented sigh as his mouth moved against mine in a soft but possessive way that had my head spinning and my heart soaring. Tears continued to pour from my eyes as I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him against me, kissing him deeply, knowing finally that this was definitely how it was supposed to feel. Every nerve ending in my body was alive and singing, and although I was feeling a wreck after recent events, his arms around my body and his lips moving with mine felt right. They felt like home, and I knew that this was it, this was what I’d been looking for. Despite the age difference and every other difference that could so easily create a chasm, Luke and I somehow fit together. And in a moment of great grief, he was the light that pushed away the darkness and filled my heart with hope.

“Oh Luke,” I whispered, as I rested my head against his hard chest, listening to the firm thudding of his heart against his ribcage. I fought the urge to cry again as I remembered the feint sound his heart had produced when he’d washed up on the beach and I’d thought I lost him. “You should rest.”

He kissed me briefly then let out his breath before he took my hand. “So should you.” Then, leading me to the bed, he made enough room so I could fit against his body in the narrow space. “You never told me what you thought of The Shining,” he said after a few moments, his voice sounding heavy with the need for sleep.

Smiling, I took a hold of his hand and pulled his arm tighter around me. “I liked it a lot,” I whispered.

“What was your favourite part?”

“The part where he breaks through the door.”

“Hmm. That was mine too.”

Then he hugged me even closer, making me feel safer than I’d ever felt before. There we stayed sleeping in each other’s arms until the sun came up and a new day was born, and I was reminded of something Luke once said to me.

No matter what happened the day before, the world keeps turning, and the sun keeps rising. Over and over again.

For the first time in what felt like forever, I felt hopeful. I felt as though everything was going to be OK.

27

––––––––

Three weeks later...

With a groan, I rolled over and switched off the 5am alarm on my newly acquired phone. I’d been forced to join the 21st century when I started work at The Palms and needed to be contactable. So far, I hated the thing. But, I had to admit I found it handy in my burgeoning relationship with Luke. It meant that we could talk or text whenever we were apart, and I loved talking to him just before bed each night. So maybe I liked having my own phone – just a little bit – not that I’d ever openly admit it to anyone.

Getting out of bed, I went to the bathroom then pulled on my swimsuit then my wetsuit and grabbed my board from where it lived beside the door. With the board tucked under my arm, I quietly left the room I’d been renting at The Palms in my bare feet. I found it funny that I now did something I'd always found so ridiculous about the residents of Hargrave Cove, but my need to wear shoes in this tiny beach town had disappeared somewhere along with my need to escape it. After eighteen years of living here, I was actually beginning to look at this place as my home.

“Hey gorgeous.” Luke was waiting for me beside his car outside. He had his wetsuit on, but it was only pulled up to his waist and his t-shirt was on. I think he’d figured out how much I loved watching him pull his shirt off and pull the wetsuit over his muscular chest, so he saved that part for me to watch every morning.

“Hey you.” I pressed a kiss to his lips just as the shirt came off and placed my hands against his warm chest and let out a contented sigh. This moment was definitely one of the reasons I wanted to stick around. I was in love with Luke, but I was in lust with Luke’s chest.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me tight against him. I loved the possessive crush of my body against his, and the way his mouth took over and kissed me deeply, stealing my breath and turning cold mornings warm.

“Are we surfing today?” he asked, and I looked out at the water and saw the caps of white out on the point. There were already a few other surfers dotted about the water, riding the waves.

“Maybe,” I grinned as I stepped away from him and watched as he pulled his wetsuit up then grabbed his board.

Luke and I had a habit of making out in the water before we paddled out of the cove to the waves at the point. So we didn’t always get to go surfing. Even so, we were taking things slow. In the three weeks since the storm and the incident on the beach, we’d done little more than a bit of heavy petting when we should have been surfing, or steal a few make out sessions when we were on break at work. He was behaving like a true gentleman and didn’t even try to come into my room, instead leaving me at the door with a passionate kiss that had my toes curling in my shoes and my fingers curling in the fabric of his shirt. I’d wanted to pull him in there so many times, wondering if his kisses and touches were any indication of what it would be like to have sex with him. But, I didn’t want to rush it, and I didn’t want to rush him. I knew I was the first relationship he’d had since he lost his wife, and I wanted him to be sure when we took that next step.

Our relationship also had other obstacles, well, not exactly obstacles, but definitely concerns that other relationships for someone my age didn’t typically have. Our age difference was huge. It didn’t change the attraction, but being at such different fazes of our lives certainly had an impact. Luke had a son to think about, and I had my future to think about. I was going to University soon, and while I’d opted to go to Wollongong, there was still the need for university housing, which meant that I wouldn’t see Luke every morning once I left. Given the choice, I’d stay in Hargrave Cove and commute to the University each day. The owner of The Palms had offered to let me keep working after the summer season was over, and if I could find somewhere to stay that was within my price range, I would definitely prefer the commute just so I could still see Luke every day.

“I don’t understand why you won’t just come and live with me. It doesn’t have to be in the same room, but I have a spare room. We can be roommates,” Luke said when we were sitting in the unopened bar eating cereal at one of the tables while he read the paper, and I went through the real estate listings, hoping to find something local before I had to commit to the university housing. As much as I would have loved to go and live with Luke like he’d offered, somehow, it just didn’t feel right. He’d been saving me from myself for so long that I needed to take the time to learn how to stand on my own without the help of anyone else. I’d sworn I wouldn’t turn out to be as dependent as my mother, and that’s exactly what I’d been doing by working and living at The Palms and paying my own way.

“Sure, Luke, that would be awesome. I’m still trying to win your mother over. Staying in the house isn’t exactly going to do that.” Luke’s mother barely spoke to me. Whenever I spent time with Luke and Sam in a casual setting, if she was there, she’d almost act as though I wasn’t. Luckily Sam loved having me around, so his boisterous excitement made up for the discomfort.

“You know she doesn’t live in the house with us, right? She’s just in the same street. Sam sleeps at her place a lot because I work so late.”

“Oh.” I had only been inside Luke’s house during the daytime because we were trying to introduce Sam to me casually, and the one time I had slept there, I’d been so upset over what had happened with Scott Jennings that I hadn’t given her absence in the house much thought. I guess I just assumed she and Sam were still asleep. “But still, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Not yet, anyway.”

He shrugged then leaned across the table and kissed me. “No pressure, gorgeous. We’ve got our whole lives to live together. I’m just giving you the option if you can’t find anything else. Because the way I see it, we’re destined for this whole lifelong commitment thing anyway.”

“Jumping the gun a bit there aren’t you? I thought the guy was supposed to be the commitment shy one.”

Again, he shrugged. “The benefit of age is knowing what you want when you see it. And I’ve wanted you for a long time, Dawn Tucker, I’m just giving you time to catch up.”

Desire skittered around in my stomach as I grinned and met his eyes. “I want you, Luke MacIntosh. I definitely want you.”

His eyes darkened as the sexual tension in the air increasing, causing me to blush slightly at my boldness. I wanted Luke so much that it was a constant ache in my chest.

I cleared my throat and dropped my gaze, lightly touching my heated cheek as I went back to the share accommodation listings, and tried not to climb over the table and throw myself at him. When I glanced back up at him, he was watching me with an interested and amused smile, and I blushed even more, causing us both to laugh slightly through the tension.

When I looked at the listings again, right near the bottom of the page. I saw a tiny listing that simply read ‘Room for rent. Hargrave Cove. Price Negotiable’ with a number beneath it. “Oh my god, there’s a room available here.” I put my finger on the listing and rushed over to the phone behind the bar since my mobile was in my room and pushed in the number on the handset.

“It’s ringing.” I smiled as Luke watched me with amusement. “It’s still ringing.” I tapped my fingers on the bar, knowing I was likely to get put through to voicemail.

On the sixth ring, a recorded male voice cut in – a very familiar male voice. “You’ve reached Luke MacIntosh...”

His amusement turned into a chuckle as I hung up the phone and gave him the best unimpressed look I could whilst trying not to smile. “Very funny,” I said as he moved to lean up against the bar beside me.

“It's no joke, gorgeous. I seriously want a roommate, and if it's not you then I might have to get some other gorgeous eighteen-year-old girl to rent the room instead.”

My eyes went wide as I opened my mouth in a huff. “You wouldn't dare.”

He shrugged. “Maybe I would. Got my eye on one particular eighteen-year-old who really needs a place to stay, but if she seriously doesn’t want the room, I don't know...”

I slapped him on the chest. “Don't even joke about that.”

He caught my hand and pulled me to him for a kiss. I forgave him instantly. “OK. No jokes. You know you’re the only one I want. I only put the ad in the paper to show you how serious I was about you moving in. But, I’ll wait until you’re ready. I meant it when I said there was no pressure.”

I slid my arms around his waist and looked up at him. “Do you really want me to live with you that much?”

He moved his hands to my waist and lifted me up onto the edge of the bar so we were eye-to-eye then he nodded. “Just image how many crappy old movies you could force me to watch.”

I grinned. “And imagine how many crappy old eighties movies you could make me watch.”

“Is that a yes?”

“It’s a big step, Luke. I mean, we haven’t taken any other big steps yet. Are you sure it’s not rushing things?”

He moved his hand so his fingers threaded into my hair, and he pulled me toward him so our mouths were aligned. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to take that next step with you, Dawn.”

Something about the growling undertone of his voice set my insides dancing about excitedly. “What’s stopping you?”

“I want it to be right. I want to wake up with you the next morning, and if I’m honest, every morning after that.”

He lowered his mouth to mine and kissed me in a way that made me gasp as his hand slid down from my hair to rest on my throat, his palm on my chest and his fingers moving against my delicate skin.

“I don’t want to have you then send you on your way. I want you with me. Always.”

His kisses moved to my jaw, down my neck, across my chest, his fingers ghosting across my cleavage.

“I want that,” I gasped, my fingers moving up to grip his hair as the space between my legs seemed to swell to bursting.

“Come home with me tonight,” he whispered, his hand moving to wrap around my waist and pull me against him. I felt his arousal between my legs, hard and long, pressing through the fabric of our clothes and let out a moan. “You can give me your answer in the morning.”

He withdrew his body from mine and looked me in the eye. I was so flushed, so turned on, that I simply nodded, and he grinned. “Is this how you win arguments?” I asked when I got my voice back. But, it still came out all breathy and his grin broadened as he reached up and pushed my hair behind my ear.

“Only the ones I think I might be losing.”

***

The day seemed to take forever to end. Luke had to close the bar at midnight, and my shift at reception ended at ten. I had two hours to kill and after having the longest shower of my life that involved as much preening as I could possibly do to prepare for him finally seeing me naked, I still had just over an hour and decided to go and wait for him up in the bar.

The moment I walked in, he looked up from what he was doing and grinned. I was wearing one of the only Hell Bunny dress I’d kept from before – the blue one with the birds on it. It was simple and classic, and it made me feel beautiful.

I no longer owned all the rollers to do my hair, so I’d tied it up in a bun on top of my head and used a thin coat of the red lipstick I’d been saving for a special occasion.

“You look like you’re going on a date. Someone I know?” he asked with a cheeky grin as I walked up to the bar. There were a handful of patrons about, and he was in the process of pulling a beer.

“Some guy I met in a bar once,” I responded, leaning forward and folding my arms across the bar so they pressed my breasts up just enough to enhance my cleavage. Luke’s eyes almost popped out of his head, and the grin became uncontrollable. “I think you might know him. He’s about yay high.” I held my hand up at his height. “The most amazing green eyes you’ve ever seen, and if you ever saw his chest.” I waved my hand at my face in exaggeration as if I felt faint. “Oh my.”

“He sounds dreamy,” Luke joked, as he placed the beers he’d poured in front of the customer and took their money.

The customer, a man of about forty-five, turned to me and nodded in agreement. “I’ll say,” he added in all seriousness. Luke and I tried not to laugh.

“Last call,” Luke announced to the room, leaning across the bar to give me a quick kiss before the final rush for drinks before closing. “All joking aside, you look good enough to eat,” he growled in my ear before he pulled away and went back to work.

He placed a Coke in front of me, knowing I didn't drink anymore then I went and sat on a table not far from him, watching him serve customers with a smile on his face and private glances for me.

The anticipation leading up to this night had me so on edge that I felt I might explode. I begged the gods of good sex to please let him be as good as the tension was promising me. I thought that if this feeling turned into something as disappointing as my previous experiences then I might just go and join a convent and give up sex all together.

When Luke locked up, there was about ten minutes worth of paperwork to do and a dishwasher that needed starting then we were out the door and to his car, hurrying like two school kids. He opened the car door for me. “Is it crazy that I’m shaking with nerves over this?” he asked, resting his forehead against mine as his fingers drifted lazily up the bare flesh of my arm. “I’m excited and nervous and...” He blew out his breath. “It’s been a really long time for me. I’m scared I’ll disappoint you.”

Those simple words meant the world to me. The fact that he actually cared about disappointing me told me that he wanted me to experience just as much pleasure as he did. My stomach skittered with nerves and excitement in response. “If we weren’t nervous, it would mean we didn’t care about each other as much as we do.”

“I love you, Dawn. I wanted to say it now, before...you know.”

Smiling, I nodded, reaching up to touch his check and run my fingers over the short hair on his face. “I love you too.”

He kissed me as he guided me into the passenger seat of his car then clipped me in, still kissing me, as if his life depended on it.

He let out his breath and laughed a little. “God, I love kissing you.”

Closing my door, he ran quickly around the car to the driver’s side and got in. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

I grinned and reached over to him, running my fingers through his sun bleached hair. “Are you?”

With a nervous laugh he nodded. “Ridiculously ready.”

I wasn’t quite sure what that meant but I laughed anyway and held his hand as we drove the short distance to his house. Sam was with Luke’s mother, so I wasn’t too concerned when the first thing he did when he opened the front door was pin me against the wall and kiss me.

“I have had about five hundred dreams of you like this,” he admitted, his mouth hungrily kissing my mouth, my neck, my chest. “I’m afraid it’s going to be fast the first time. But, I’ll make up for it. I promise you. I’m going to make love to you all night.”

“Promise?”

He grinned. “Have I broken one yet?”

My fingers tightened in his hair as his hands moved down my body, gripping my breasts as his mouth kissed me fiercely. I moaned and pressed myself against him as he squeezed at my skin and rubbed his thumb over my nipple as it pushed through the fabric of my dress.

“Oh, Luke.”

“Dawn.”

Pulling me away from the wall, his hands slid down my thighs as he gripped then lifted me off the floor, sitting me on a pine buffet along the base of the staircase.

He kissed me roughly, just like I needed him to, his hands sliding further under my dress, between my thighs until he hit the lace panties I’d chosen to wear especially for the occasion. His fingers trailed lazily along my centre and as he pressed a little harder, he moaned.

“You’re so wet, Dawn.”

In my limited experience, I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but by the sound of his voice he liked it, and when he slipped his fingers beneath the edge of my panties and pushed them inside me, the shudder in his breathing sounded as blissful as it felt.

“Oh, god,” I moaned. It was the most blissful feeling as his fingers worked in and out, sliding out, up over my most throbbing point before sliding through my juices to push back inside. It was the most amazing thing I’d ever felt happening between my legs, and with his breath on my neck, his lips pressing lightly against my skin, I pulled at his hair and rocked my hips against his hand, my insides coiling tighter, tighter until, “Oh God.” It felt so right to be calling out when he was making me feel so alive, so perfect. I released his hair and my hands flew up to grab the railings on the stairs as I bucked against his hand. He kissed my neck, his fingers still working inside me as he shifted to kiss my mouth, his tongue working in unison with his fingers, making my body feel as though it was going to explode all over again.

This was what sex was supposed to feel like.

“I need to be inside you,” he whispered, his voice thick and gravelly as his hands worked between us.

“I want you inside me, Luke. I want you. Now.” I gasped, surprised again at my boldness, I’d never had this urgent need to be with someone before and it made me vocal. I liked it.

Grinning, he readied himself, making quick work of the condom before pushing inside me. I let out a long moan as my insides seemed to cry out in happiness. “Holy fuck, Dawn. You’re so...Oh my god. This part isn’t going to last very long.”

I wrapped my legs around his waist as he gripped my hips and thrust his hard shaft inside me, back and forth, over and over again.

I moaned and I gasped, the feeling inside me matching the intensity of my feelings for him. It was hard, and it was fast, but it was amazing, and I didn’t want it to end while at the same time I longed for the explosion within me that I felt building.

He reached between us, his thumb slipping into the small space above our joined hips, rubbing at my clit, causing me to moan so loud that it was almost embarrassing. But I didn’t care. It felt so good. So right. “Oh God. Luke.” I came. Hard. Not knowing that I could do that again so fast and so easily. I wanted more.

Luke groaned and shuddered, and I felt him pulsing inside me as he took a hold of my face and kissed me while he spilled himself inside me, taking things down a notch as he held me and made me feel as though I was the most desirable being in the world.

“I’ve never felt that. I...” I breathed when we came up for air. I couldn’t believe how good it was. I knew that Luke and I had an amazing connection but wow. I wasn’t expecting it to be quite like that.

His chest was heaving as he pressed his forehead against mine and caught his breath. “I can do better.”

“Better? Jesus, Luke, that was the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt.”

He grinned. “But it gets better,” he promised. “Let me show you.”

Then he carried me up to his bedroom and he showed me a whole lot of things I’d never known, and I loved every single one.

***

That night was the last night of summer. You could feel it in the cooling air, but more than that, I could feel it inside of myself. I wasn’t the same person I was when the first storm had brought Shea to Hargrave Cove. I wasn’t that same naïve girl who was desperate to run away from all of her problems by leaving town. No. Now, I wanted to stay. I wanted to build my life here.

I’d spend so long taking care of my mother, and being the responsible person in our household, that in my hatred for the position that was forced on me, I’d lost the person who I was. I’d thought I wanted to be accepted by my peers, and I’d hated the Wannabes and the Sunshine Barbies for what seemed to me like a charmed life – the life I’d thought I was supposed to lead but could never really grasp. But when I got a taste of it, their world wasn’t for me either. My old next-door neighbour, Joan, had always called me an ‘old soul’, and I’d come to realise that she was right. My body might have only been eighteen, but my mind certainly didn’t fit there. My mind existed was with the dreamers, the storytellers, and the misfits who looked at life a little differently just like I always had. And finally, I found true happiness and acceptance of myself within my heart.

As summer passed, my life had changed. My path had altered. The very core of who I was had softened, and within it, I found love in its purest form. It helped me open my eyes so I could see it. I could see the Paradise in Hargrave Cove. I found it in the early morning sunrise. I found it in the mirror when I stopped wearing my makeup like a mask, and I found in the man who was sitting beside me the whole time with a set of six-pack abs and a quick wit that had me laughing just as much as his wise words had me contemplating.

That summer, I lost myself.

That summer, I found myself.

That summer, I’d found love.

That summer, I’d found Luke.

28

––––––––

It was the first day of autumn, and along with the changing air, I felt as though I was inhaling happiness. “I love waking up next to you,” Luke murmured as he wrapped me in his warm body, kissing my neck as his hands slid over the skin on my stomach, turning me so I was facing him and my leg was hooked over his waist.

His hardness was on the inside of my thigh as I ran my fingers down the side of his face then pressed a loving kiss against his lips. “I love waking up with you, too. Make love to me, Luke.”

His hands roamed and his arms pulled me closer. I loved the feel if his hard body up against mine, it was as if we melded together.

“Lie back,” he instructed with a soft growl in my ear. I did as he asked, running my fingers through his thick sun streaked hair as he disappeared beneath the sheets. He brushed the coarse hair along his jaw on my inner thighs before he wrapped his arms around them, holding me steady, as he tasted me with a moan. “So sweet, Dawn.”

Lying back, I stretched my arms above my head as my whole body filled with an intense desire that had me moaning as he lapped at my core. He made love to me with his tongue. Then his fingers. Then both his tongue and his fingers. “Oh, Luke,” I cried, my hands going back to his hair as my thighs closed and my body exploded. “Luke!”

He kept going, driving his fingers in and out of my core, kissing me between my thighs, licking gently until I felt the shudders subside and turn into warm satisfaction.

“Mmmm,” he moaned, as he kissed his way back up my body, paying particular attention to my hardened nipples as he caressed my breast and inhaled my scent, as he wrapped his arm around my waist and rolled so he was on his back and I was on top.

He reached over for a condom. “What’s it like without one?” I asked, and he looked up at me with soft eyes, his hand reaching up to wrap lightly around my neck before trailing lazily down my chest.

“It’s...different. A little messier, I guess.”

“Is it better?”

His hand continued to move downward. He nodded.

“I’d like to try it.”

“Are you on birth control?”

I nodded.

“And you’re...?”

“Clean? Yeah. I’m clean. You?”

I nodded, biting at my lip as I took the condom from his hand and placed it on the bedside table. “I want to feel you. Just you,” I whispered, as his hands rested on my hips and I shifted above him, reaching between us to take a hold of his hard rod. “I like the way you feel in my hand. I want to know what you feel like inside me.”

With his eyes locked on mine, he watched as I positioned him at my entrance and slowly lowered myself down his length, my breath coming out in a shaky gasp. “You feel amazing inside me.”

He tilted his hips up to push as deep as he could and let out a light moan. “Dawn.”

I moved above him, pushing through my thighs as my fingers ran over his hard chest, loving the feeling of his muscles beneath my fingertips, and the rise and fall of my fingers as I slid them down his abs. He sucked in his stomach sharply as if ticklish, and I grinned as I rode him then did it again.

Grabbing my wrists, he grinned as he pulled me toward him them caught me in a kiss as we continued to roll our hips. I tasted myself on him, and I didn’t know what I’d been expecting, but it was kind of nice. Especially knowing the way the taste got there.

Flipping us so I was on my back, he hooked his arm beneath my knee and pushed my leg up to my chest as his thrusts deepened to the point where my eyes were rolling in ecstasy. “Oh, God.”

“Feel good?”

“Oh, yes, Luke. Ohhhh.”

My body shook as I came, and I felt him come too, pulsing inside me, his heat filling me as his body shuddered and he leaned down to kiss my mouth.

“I wish I never had to leave this bed. I don't want to stop making love to you,” he murmured against my mouth. “I don’t want to stop kissing you.”

“I love you,” I gasped, kissing him back, holding him tight.

“I love you.”

A double beep sounded, signalling a text message on Luke’s phone. With a groan, he leaned over and picked it up, checking the read out with a concentrated expression before he dropped the phone on the bed and looked back to me.

“We’d better shower and dress. Mum’s bringing Sam over in about twenty minutes.”

“Oh.” My stomach instantly started churning with nerves. What was she going to think seeing me there first thing in the morning? Was she going to judge me and think I was leading her son astray? I didn’t want her to hate me. “Maybe I should go home.”

Grinning, he shook his head. “Shower with me. Stay. She doesn’t hate you, stop worrying.”

Letting out my breath, I nodded, the idea of showering with Luke far outweighed my worry of his mother’s judgement.

***

“You got to have a sleep over! Why can’t I have a sleep over?” Sam barrelled through the door and skidded to a stop at my feet. I was freshly showered and wearing a pair of shorts and a fitted T-shirt while I drank orange juice and Luke cooked breakfast. “Hi Dawn. Notice anything different about me today?” Sam presented me with an exaggerated smile and I could see that one of his front teeth was missing.

I opened my eyes wide to show my excitement for him. “Did the tooth fairy visit you last night?” I asked as he proudly showed myself and Luke the new gap in his teeth.

“No,” he yelled. “It only came out FIVE minutes ago.”

“Luke, I put his tooth in a...Oh, hello Dawn,” Annie, Luke’s mum said as she arrived in the doorway. She clasped her hands together and looked incredibly awkward as she pressed her lips into a line. “Sleep well?”

“Hi, Annie. Yes thanks,” I answered, glancing at Luke who quickly kissed my forehead then took the eggs off the stove before scooping Sam up and growling like a bear against his neck, causing the five year old to erupt into fits of giggles.

“You’re not going to have any teeth left soon,” he said, before setting Sam down on the floor then asking his mother if they could talk outside. He did it all so fluidly and so calmly that I was incredibly impressed by all he accomplished in such a short time.

Both Annie and Luke went outside where we couldn’t hear them.

Sam turned to me. “I think he forgot to ask granny if he could have a sleepover.”

“I think your dad might be old enough to have sleepovers whenever he wants,” I pointed out kindly. Sam nodded sagely.

“You’re right. It’s just me who has to ask.”

Smiling, I asked him if he’d eaten breakfast while I made some coffee for Luke and took plates out of the cupboard.

“I had cereal. That’s how my tooth fell out. Did you get to stay up late and watch movies? And did you get to eat popcorn on the couch? I’m never allowed to eat popcorn on the couch.”

I set everything on the table and looked down at him with a smile.

“Do you spill it?”

Sam put his hands on his hips and twisted his mouth in thought. “I do. Because it’s very buttery.” He extended the sound of ‘do’ so it was more like ‘doooooooo’. “BUT, I never wipe my fingers on the leather. That’s a BIG no no.”

I gave him a wink. “Thanks for letting me know. I don’t want to get in trouble off your dad for doing the wrong thing.”

Luke entered the room and gave me a reassuring smile as he picked up Sam and told him they were going outside to find the morning paper. “Mum wants to talk if you can handle that?” he said as he pressed a kiss to my temple.

Taking a deep inhale, I nodded. “Yeah. I can handle that.”

Then I watched him walk back outside as Annie walked in and they exchanged glances. Maybe I couldn’t handle it...

“Good morning, Dawn,” she said before she smiled. “Don’t look so worried. I’m not going to bite your head off. I just wanted to have a chat because from what I understand, things between you and my son are quite serious.”

I nodded. “Very serious, and I know you probably have concerns over my age, but I assure you, it’s not going to be a problem. I’m all in with Luke and I understand this is a relationship with his family as well as him.”

Annie smiled. “I’m glad to hear you say that. As you know, he’s been through a lot with the loss of his wife and raising a son on his own, and he needs someone who understands that and wants to stick around.”

“There’s no where else I want to be, Annie. Luke is my home. I feel lucky to have found him so early in my life.”

Nodding, she looked back to the doorway where Luke and Sam had returned. “All good?” he asked, and Annie turned to him and smiled.

“You’re right, Luke. She’s definitely very special.”

I blushed then thanked her, feeling the last of my worries slip away as we sat down to eat as a family. It felt perfect, and I knew what my answer to Luke was going to be.

***

I stayed again that night. The next morning Luke and I skipped our daily surf again to make love before we had to go to work instead. Every time with him was both satisfying and life affirming, showing me that I was right all along – when two people have a true connection, sex is absolutely wonderful no matter what way it’s done. It didn’t hurt that Luke seemed to know what he was doing, but the way my body reacted when he touched me, wasn’t something you can share with just anyone. It felt like something that could only happen when you found the one. And of that I was sure.

“So, have you made a decision?” Luke asked as we drove to The Palms to start our day of work.

“About moving in?” I asked, trying to act vague but already knowing what my answer would be, I’d been torturing him for an entire day; it was time to give him an answer.

He glanced at me and raised his eyebrows. “You’re killing me here, Dawn. My heart is on my sleeve.”

“The answer is yes, Luke, I’d love to share a home with you and Sam.” Sam had even asked me if I would live with them all the time too. For a second, I’d thought Luke had put him up to it, but he swore black and blue that Sam had come out with it all on his own. I believed him, Sam was forever blurting out exactly what was on his mind.

Pulling on the wheel, he swerved and pulled up on the side of the road. “You’re serious? You’re going to move in?”

I grinned and nodded. “I am.”

Then he leaned across the centre console and pressed a kiss to my lips. “I love you so much,” he said.

I kissed him back. “I love you too.”

The sound of a siren cut through the air, breaking into our moment as emergency services vehicles sped past.

“Do you think?” I asked Luke, turning my head and watching them fly past and when I caught sight of a van that said ‘Coroner’ on the side, I knew I didn’t need an answer. My stomach twisted. “Oh god. Shea.”

Epilogue

––––––––

As if in defiance of the dire reality of the situation, the sun shone brightly the day Shea’s body finally washed up in Hargrave Cove. And for a town that seemed so happy to judge people from afar, they all turned up for the spectacle as the coroner arrived to collect her body.

For twenty-five days she’d been adrift at sea, and the sight of her was almost unrecognisable after that long in the water. When Luke drove me to the beach, I’d ran to where her body lay, only to be stopped by police doing crowd control.

“Please. I know her,” I pleaded, only to be told that everyone there knew her, and that I’d have to stand back with everyone else.

Luke’s hand covered mine and squeezed gently. “I’m so sorry, Dawn. I know how much you’d cared for her.”

And I had. It was true. Despite all the things she’d done, and the games she’d played, Shea had been a breath of fresh air in my otherwise stagnant life. It was because of her I opened my mind and was able to see where my heart’s desire truly lied. Before her, I’d been too scared, too stubborn, too closed off from the world to truly enjoy all the joy and wonder that was right in front of me, begging for me to reach out and grab it with both hands.

I called my mother, thinking she could tell Noa that they’d found her, but she said he’d already said his goodbyes – they were already in Switzerland and wouldn’t be coming back. Disheartened but not surprised by their reaction, I then put in a call to Zeke to tell him.

He’d been so distraught after she disappeared that the moment he got his university acceptance for UTS, he moved out of town. I thought he’d want to know. I thought he’d want to see her. “I’m not coming back, Dawn,” he told me over the phone. I could hear the sound of a female giggle in the background. “I’m sorry. I’m glad they found her though.”

Disappointed in a man I’d once thought was a friend, I realised how deluded I’d been all those years when I’d held onto him. I obviously needed him far more than he needed him, and in the end, I suppose we were both holding each other back. Now, we were apart, living our lives as completely different people. I wondered if we’d ever really known each other at all.

“Are you OK?” Luke asked, seeing the sadness overwhelm me as I slowly lowered my phone from my ear and squeezed my eyes shut tight. I’d cried so many tears over that fateful day that I’d thought I didn’t have any left. But seeing her, a lifeless husk tangled with seaweed and indistinguishable from the beautiful girl she’d been, filled me with such sadness that I couldn’t hold it in. No one wanted her. She’d died alone.

Luke caught me before I fell. And I heard whispers about lesbians, drugs and orgies, and of a girl who was out of control, coming from the townspeople around us. I shut out their voices, forcing myself to think of her kindly and remember all that was good about her, forcing myself to remember the dancing girl – the one who had this crazy idea that everyone could love each other, but who in the end, turned out to be in just as incapable of sharing her affection as the rest of us.

“It’s OK, babe. I’ve got you. I’ve got you. It’s OK,” Luke whispered, holding me tight against his chest, kissing my in my hair, and understanding my tears and knowing my heart, because he was in it.

Just like that, her story – a story that had mixed with mine in the most confusing and unusual way – had come to a completely inglorious end.

It seemed so sad when she’d had so much light inside her during her life, so much love to give to the world, that she’d be remembered for a party and a salacious lifestyle.

But not in my mind.

I would choose to remember her as the girl that came to our quiet cove riding on the wind of a storm, creating an energy and excitement that forced us all to see who we were and what we meant to each other. She left the way she promised she would – she left in the wind.

I swore that some days, her musical laugh could still be heard during each cool breeze, tinkling like wind chimes, reminding me of all the good in my life. Reminding me that while her story had ended, my story – my real story, the story she helped shape, was only just beginning. And it would keep on going. And going. And going. Because no matter what happened the day before, the world kept turning, and the sun kept rising. Over and over again.

THE END

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Books by Lilliana Anderson

The Confidante Trilogy

Confidante: The Brothel

Confidante: The Escort

Confidante: The Madame

Beautiful Series

Too Close

A Beautiful Struggle

Phoenix

A Beautiful Forever

Commitment

A Beautiful Melody

A Beautiful Rock

Devotion

A Beautiful Star

A Beautiful Taste

A Beautiful Danger

Entwined Series

Our Hearts Entwined

Our Lives Entwined

Drawn Series

Drawn

Drawn 2 – Obsession (Aaron)

Drawn 2 – Redemption (Damien)

Drawn to Fight

Zac & Evie

Hugo & Meg

Fire & Lies Trilogy

On Wattpad

Partners

Standalones

47 Things

In the Wind

Never Again

For information on upcoming releases visit
www.lillianaanderson.com

About the Author

Lilliana Anderson

Bestselling Author of the Beautiful Series, Drawn and 47 Things, Lilliana has always loved to read and write, considering it the best form of escapism that the world has to offer.

Australian born and bred, she writes New Adult Romance revolving around her authentically Aussie characters  with all the quirks you’d expect from those born Down Under.

Lilliana feels that the world should see Australia for more than just it's outback and tries to show characters in a city and suburban setting.

When she isn't writing, she wears the hat of 'wife and mother' to her husband and four children.

Before Lilliana turned to writing, she worked in a variety of industries and studied humanities and communications before transferring to commerce/law at university.

Originally from Sydney's Western suburbs, she currently lives a fairly quiet life in suburban Melbourne.

Visit her website at www.lillianaanderson.com

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